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Project 1 in this
nonprofit site proposes that the
personality of normal adults
and kids is composed of a group of
subselves or parts.
It also proposes that many relationships and families are significantly
troubled because adults' personalities are conflictual and dominated by a
"false self" - several short-sighted, reactive subselves who
lack skill at
group leadership and wise long-range decision-making. On first hearing these
alien premises, typical people (i.e. their ruling subselves) are often skeptical
or disbelieving.
To explore whether subselves do govern your
personality and behavior is to...
adopt an open mind ("I'm not sure
whether subselves exist or not, but I'll learn more before deciding.") and...
experience a
safe inner "dialog"
between your true Self (capital
"S") and one or more other subselves.
This
article offers guidelines on how to have such a dialog. I suggest you read
this whole article before trying to have an inner conversation.
Prepare
An essential first step is to
adopt attitudes of nonjudgmental curiosity. If you try an inner
dialog assuming "This can't work" or "I can't do this,"
you'll probably get what you expect. Choose a mindset like "I don't know
what will happen. Let me try this experience and find out." Difficulty
adopting a neutral attitude probably means your ruling subselves are
afraid of something.
Pick a Trait (Subself)
Pick a time and physical setting where you won't be distracted for 10 or 15
minutes. Get comfor-table, and identify several qualities or
traits that contribute to your unique personality. For example, you
might think "I'm ...
Try out the idea that each personality quality or trait is brought to you by an
individual subself who specializes in that trait, like a player in an
orchestra or a sports team. To expand your awareness, take a few minutes and
study this summary of
common subselves.
Each person
has a unique mix of some of these subselves, not all of them. Note that one
group of subselves are young - inner children. They're very reactive, and
"specialize" in bringing you primary emotions like curiosity, awe, anxiety, silliness,
rage, guilt, confusion, loneliness, and shame.
If you're curious about your
subselves, read this and return.
Now imagine choosing one of these subselves to interview, like meeting a
distant relative for the first time. Pick a
"neutral" or helpful subself, not one which causes you significant problems. Pause
and reflect: how do you usually behave when you meet
someone for the first time? Meeting a subself is just the same.
Have you ever been in a class, team, committee, or group which had a really
effective leader? Recall why you felt s/he was "effective." Now try out the
idea that one of your subselves is a naturally talented, motivated, wise
group leader.
A premise here is that every adult and child has such
a skilled subself - their
true Self (capital "S"). In this inner dialog,
your Self will interview another of your subselves.
If you're curious about your Self,
read this and return.
Questions to Ask
Before your interview, clarify what you want to learn about this subself.
Here are some useful questions. Keep in mind that each subself has its own
unique values, goals, attitudes, and perceptions. These may differ a little
or a lot from your Self's view of the world.
"Is there a name you'd like to be
called?" Some parts feel very strongly about this and others are
indifferent.
"How old are you?" Each
subself has its own developmental age, which often differs from the age
of your body.
"Where do you live?" Some
subselves may believe they're living in one of your past dwellings. For
now, just accept that.
"Do you know who I am?" Some
subselves don't know your true Self exists - or they do, but aren't clear what
the Self's leadership role is in your personality.
"What year is it?" It's
not unusual for young subselves to believe it's some year in your past.
If you get such a response, postpone trying to teach them the truth in
this first dialog - just learn.
"What is your job - what do you
do?" Every subself has a main function or role, which they may
or may not be able to articulate.
"How do you like your job?" Be
open to any answer...
"What would happen if you stopped
doing your job?" Typical subselves feel some catastrophe will occur
to you,
including social rejection, poverty, injury, loss, or death. If so,
don't
dispute that or reassure them for now.
"Is there anything or anyone
that makes your job specially fun? Specially hard?"
"Do you know you're part of a
family or team (of subselves)?" Some subselves believe they're all
alone. Others know vaguely or clearly of (some) other subselves, but
don't feel included among them. A long-range goal is to have all your
subselves appreciate each other as a group of specialists with a common
purpose.
"What caused you to appear?"
Often the answer is some trauma or stressful period in your childhood.
Be open to anything - a thought stream, a memory, an image, or something
else.
"How do you feel about me asking
you these questions?" Expect an answer ranging from "I don't know,"
to "I don't care" to "I've waited so long to talk to somebody!"
"Do you worry about anything in
particular?" Some subselves may never have thought about this.
Others may not want to disclose yet.
"Is there anything you want me to
know about you or your job?"
If you're interviewing a young
subself, you can ask "Do you know where (your) Mom / Dad is now?" It's
not unusual for subselves to have a distorted answer.
"Is there some change you'd really
like?" If you get an answer, affirm it, and ask the question again.
"Would you be willing to talk with
me again?" Once subselves believe such dialogs are safe, they
usually say "yes."
Note the respectful theme of these questions, and ask
any others that occur to you.
What to Expect
Before your interview, prepare for any of these common outcomes:
1) The subself you choose is
willing to respond (give you thoughts, senses, and/or images) without conditions or interference from other
subselves. This is the best case!
2) Your subself will talk,
but sets conditions ("OK, but I'm not going to talk about _____.") If
this happens, honor the conditions for now. A main objective here is for
your subself to feel heard, respected, and safe.
3) Your mind "goes
blank" when you try to focus on your chosen subself. This usually
indicates a protective subself doesn't trust this alien new
experience, and is blocking it. If this happens breathe well -
Blocker subselves often
inhibit normal breathing to minimize scary emotions.
Then
shift your focus
to interviewing your protective Blocker subself without judgment. ["Is there
someone who doesn't want me to talk to (the subself you chose)?"]. If the
Blocker will talk, ask her or him respectfully to describe what s/he thinks
might happen if you had the original dialog. Your goal here is to learn,
not argue, debate, or persuade.
Another possible inner-dialog experience you may have is...
4) You keep
thinking about
"other things" (can't concentrate) as you try to interview your
subself. This usually indicates that several subselves are activated by what
they think you're doing, and are all "talking at once." Options: ask them
all to get quiet, and speak one at a time.
Ask each subself to identify
itself by name, an image, and age; and to say what s/he needs, thinks and/or
feels. Justlisten empathically for now
- make no promises, explanations, or requests. Then if it feels right, you
may ask them to be quiet so you can conduct the original interview. Either
way, you experience communicating with your subselves.
5)
With any of these outcomes, you
may experience subtle or obvious physical reactions like shifts in
your heartbeat, breathing, skin temperature, and muscle twinges or tensions. If
so, they may or may not be caused by the subself you're interviewing.
Option: ask that subself if s/he is causing the reaction/s, or if
s/he knows which other subself is. If such reactions become too distracting,
end the interview respectfully. A future option is to focus on the subself
causing your body reaction, and ask what s/he's trying to communicate.
Stay aware that all subselves are trying to help you in their own
unique way! See this for more
perspective.
Experience Your Subselves
When
you feel ready, notice what time it is, get physically comfortable, and
close your eyes. Vividly imagine
being in a comfortable, safe meeting place
indoors or in nature. It may be real or imaginary. If the latter, your
Self is doing the imagining.
Verify that you can form inner images by picturing your partner, favorite
child, special friend, or a cartoon figure. Focus on the subself you want to
interview, and ask if s/he will give you an inner image.
Be
open to the first thing that appears, even if it "makes no sense."
Images
may be of a real or imaginary person, a memory or fantasy, an animal, or cartoon figure,
an abstract shape or color, or an object. If you don't get a stable image, that's
OK. Focus on a memory that hilights the personality trait you've chosen.
Remember how it felt to be that trait.
Ask
the image or the feeling (i.e. think) "Are you willing to talk with me for a
few minutes?" Trust the first
thing that occurs, without judgment - a thought, image, sense, or feeling.
If you have an image of the subself, notice if it changes - e.g. if the
image is of a person or animal, whether it looks at you (your Self) or not.
If you sense a "yes" response, explain what you're doing, just as
you would with a physical person. That might sound like "I'd like to
learn about you, so I'd like to ask you some questions. Is that
OK?" Notice the first thought or feelings that happens, and react
accordingly.
If it
is OK, then ask the questions (above) you've chosen, one at a time. After each one, be
still, and notice the first thought/s, image/s, and/or feeling/s that occur
without
judgment. If you get a thought like "That's weird / stupid / impossible...",
know that another subself is commenting on the first subself's response -
not your Self.
Ignore the judgment, and continue. If a response merits it,
ask a related question. For example, if you ask "What's your job?" and your
subself answers "To keep you safe," you might ask "Safe from what?" The
idea here is to act just as you would talking with a physical person.
If
your subself says "No, I don't want to answer any questions now,"
acknowledge that with respect. Then ask something like "Is there something I
can do to make you feel more comfortable?" or "What might happen if you did
answer?" Stay empathically aware that this initial experience may be too alien or scary
for this subself now. If so, thank the subself, and consider
focusing on another one.
As
you start to get responses, notice how you're feeling about this subself of
yours. If you feel anything but neutral interest, compassion, or
appreciation - e.g. scorn, dislike, anxiety, guilt, or distrust - another
subself has probably
blended with (taken over) your Self.
Subselves
are alert, and react fast as the environment changes. If you
get judgmental feelings, pause and ask the subself that has taken you over
to "step aside" or "unblend" and let you continue the interview. See if your
attitude toward the first subself shifts. If the judgmental subself won't
step aside, shift your focus and interview him / her.
Be
comfortably alert for your Blocker activating and interrupting your
interview - e.g. you get no response to a question, you lose the
subself's image, or your mind "goes blank." If that happens, refocus on your
Blocker, and ask what s/he needs.
As always, trust the first thoughts or
feelings that occur, without judgment. Stay focused:
experiencing the process of
dialoging with your subselves is your primary goal here, not getting answers to
your questions.
When
you feel "done" or the subself indicates s/he wants to stop, ask two final
questions: "How did it feel to talk
with me?" and "Would you be
willing to talk with me again?" Be open to any response. As you would
with a physical person, thank your subself for the interview, and say
goodbye.
Reconnect with your body by flexing your fingers and toes, moving your
torso, opening your eyes, and breathing from your belly. Notice any thoughts
or feelings about this experience, without judgment. Option: write down what
you recall about the dialog, and any reactions you have about it.
Recall
your initial attitude about whether personality subselves are real or not,
and see if anything has shifted. Notice what time it is. Often, doing a
subself interview ("parts work") evokes a mild or deep trance (inner focus),
which may cause "time distortion" - e.g. "a short conversation" may take 15
or 20 minutes in real time.
What Next?
The
purpose of this exercise is to help you decide whether normal
personalities - like yours - may really be composed of subselves or not. If you feel this
is credible, the next step is to decide whether the concepts of
true Self and
"false self" are
believable. If so, then see if false-self
"wounds" make sense (a)
in general, and (b) in your life.
The ultimate goal here is for you to
decide "Who has been running my life - my Self or some other subselves?"
For perspective on what it's like to be dominated by a well-meaning false
self, read this comparison,
this summary, and this true
example when you finish here.
To
increase your perspective, try...
interviewing one or more other subselves. If
you first talked with a
Guardian
subself, try interviewing an
Inner Child,
or vice versa.
Think of a current stressor in your life,
and see if you can identify two or more subselves who may be causing the
stress. Keep in mind that Guardian subselves exist solely to comfort and
protect one or more inner kids - so usually subselves are paired up.
For
example: if you're reluctant to tell someone the truth about something
now, that may be a
Liar/Evader subself who is dedicated to protecting a
Scared, Shamed, or
Guilty Child.
If you can
identify subselves "causing" your problem, wonder what would happen if
you (your Self) negotiated with them to change their values, attitudes,
priorities, or job (role)...
Rough-draft
a roster of your talented inner team, and wonder
"Which of these subselves are
making my main decisions recently?" Your family of subselves make
up who you are as a unique person. If you weren't composed of subselves,
that would read "...make up who you is(singular)."
If you haven't recently, study these slide
presentations on personality subselves and
false-self wounds, and the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle that stresses many average
families. If your browser doesn't display these slides properly, see
this.
Review these
Q&A items on false-self wounds and recovery.
If
you suspect your Self has been disabled too much, then decide whether or not
to
assess yourself for false-self
dominance by using the 12 worksheets in
Project 1. If you're sure
a false self has been running your life, then decide if you care enough
about yourself and your future - and any dependent kids - to commit to personal
wound recovery
- i.e. to freeing your
Self to
guide and harmonize your group of talented subselves over time.
As you confront these profound decisions, some frightened, distrustful subselves will
probably try to deflect you from working at true recovery. Also expect the people
around you to be skeptical, anxious, or critical of these ideas and your
recovery - because their subselves are unaware, scared, and/or distrustful.
Options: if you are or were in a committed primary relationship,
assess whether your partner is or
was ruled by a false self. If you're
co-parenting a troubled child, assess whether
s/he may have acciden-tally
inherited false-self
wounds. If any of these people are significantly wounded, see
this.
In
the last generation, many
resources have appeared to help wounded people heal and live more
centered, authentic, contented lives. From 15 years' experience, I recommend
"inner-family therapy" or (personality) "parts work" as an effective way to heal over time.
The guidebook for this life-changing
work is "Who's
Really Running Your Life?
Free your Self, and guard your kids." (Xlibris.com, 2002,
2nd ed.).
If
you still doubt the reality of personality
subselves, read this letter with an
open mind. Otherwise, try this
Reality Check to see where you stand.
Is
there someone you want to discuss these ideas with and/or show this article
to?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/01/dialog.htm
Prepare