Perspective on False-self Wounds

Understand and Reduce
Reality Distortions

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        THIS is one of a series of Web articles on family Project 1: adults assess themselves and other family members for false-self wounds, and help each other reduce any you find. This article...

• offers perspective on the widespread psychological wound of reality distortion,

• describes typical examples and wound symptoms, and...

• common impacts of this wound, and...

• suggests key recovery options.

  About Reality Distortions

        We each usually believe our perception of the worlds within and around us is "true." People controlled by a false self often unconsciously skew their perception (interpretation) of inner-personal and interpersonal reality. Their ruling subselves see things that aren’t there, and/or don't see or feel things that are there. Classic examples are denying or minimizing an addiction, a major illness, a toxic or ended relationship, and these psychological wounds (e.g. denying denials).

        Reality distortions combine with up to five other wounds to promote chronic health and relationship problems, including ineffective communication, blocked grieving, parental neglect, and divorce/s. True (vs. pseudo) recovery from false-self dominance can significantly reduce reality distortions over time.

        Common distortions include...

Misinterpreting (assuming) the motivations and actions of others ("Pat's not calling back obviously means she's angry and punishing me.");

Imagining behaviors, motives, events, and attitudes that don’t exist ("Don't lie to me, Manuel. I know you're having an affair!")

Reducing complex situations to only two options - black-white or "bipolar" thinking. This usually comes from subselves' fear of the unknown (self, social, and spiritual distrusts), and the protective need to control by reducing uncertainties and ambivalences to manageable "yes-no" / "right-wrong" / "good-bad" / "your fault-my fault" terms. Chronic black-white thinking seriously hinders effective problem solving.

Inventing reasons to explain why things are, rather than accepting some painful truth ("I drink because you're always harping at me, Martha");

Minimizing events and event-impacts on one's Self and/or on others ("I think Jackie's adjusting wonderfully to her Dad's leaving us. Her nightmares and school troubles will soon be over.")

Repressing painful thoughts and/or feelings ("No, I've completely recovered from Mom's death. I'm done grieving, thank the Lord."), and...

        More common reality distortions...

Magically projecting our shameful thoughts, fantasies, wounds, or desires on others - "You're the one with a toxic-anger problem here, kiddo, not me!"

Having recent and/or chronic "amnesia." Many people ruled by false selves describe a wide range of "blanks" about important childhood periods, events, and people. This often comes from an unconscious avoidance of the pain, rage, and sadness associated with childhood traumas like abandonments, humiliations, abuses, losses, and terrors. 

        These strategic amnesias may also come from an inbred horror of seeing our key early caregivers as flawed, cruel, selfish, weak, uncaring, and/or abusive (wounded) people who really couldn't nurture us well enough.

       Typical "amnesia" symptoms sound like "I can't remember my life before age nine  / what usually happened after I came home from school  / any birthday parties for me when I was a kid,"... Excessive amnesias can promote vague or sharp feelings of personal anxiety, "incompleteness," or "wrongness." They're specially common and dramatic for survivors of chronic childhood neglect.

Exaggerating and catastrophizing - "You are always late!" / "You never tell me the truth!" / "The way you spend, we're going to be bankrupt and live on the street for the rest of our lives!"

Idealizing ("wishful thinking") - "Well other couples may have major stepfamily problems, but our love, experience, and commitment will protect us from that!"

Denying these distortions, and fervently denying our denial and underlying false-self wounds. This may be called the master reality distortion.

        How can you tell if you or another person is controlled by subselves who need to protectively distort reality "too much"?

Typical Symptoms of Excessive Distortions

1)  Vehemently and rigidly insisting that events, feelings, conversations, and decisions that others witness didn’t happen, or happened at a different time, place, or circumstance (“I / you / they) never (said / did / thought / felt) that!”; I am not a workaholic!”)

2)  Fervently declaring that major disappointments, losses, or traumas “aren’t that important,” and/or “don’t effect (or bother) me.”

3)  Genuinely believing a key relationship is “fine” when others see major problems; or perceiving major problems when there are none ("I know you're thinking about leaving me!").

4)  Believing a partner is (not) having an affair when they aren’t (are).  (Also a dis/trust symptom.)

5)  Steadily avoiding responsibility for one’s life, health, decisions, behaviors, and happiness: adopting a “martyr” or "victim" role and insisting “I can’t help it.” (wound mix: excessive shame + Self-distrust + reality distortion)

6)  Mis-assuming and "mind-reading" - often reading incorrect meanings into others’ statements and/or actions (“You are angry at me. Don’t you deny it!”), and denying or rationalizing that. A common example is mistaking informational feedback as criticism.

7)  Projecting one’s own shameful traits onto others (“You’re the liar here, not me!”) This is also a symptom of toxic (excessive) shame and guilt.

8)  Refusing to see “flaws,” “weaknesses,” and/or these psychological-wound symptoms in one’s self, or a revered partner, parent, hero/ine, or child.

9)  Rationalizing that clearly abusive, criminal, self-harmful, and/or unethical acts are “really OK, because…”

10)  Minimizing one’s own needs, risks, feelings, consequences, responsibility, and/or those of others [“no big deal (to me)!” and “You’re making a big deal out of nothing!”] The flip side of this is a chronic tendency to exaggerate and/or catastrophize (imagining the worst, and acting as though it were certain.)

        More common symptoms of false-self reality distortions...

11)  Seeing inner-wound symptoms like these as trivial and unremarkable: “So what’s the big deal?”

12)  Having distorted or no clear ideas about what emotional, spiritual, and/or physical abuses and child or self neglect are.

13)  Tolerating any of these without complaint.

14)  Believing and justifying distorted concepts of high-nurturance parenting and relationship goals, priorities, and techniques.

15)  Insisting “My childhood and early family were fine / wonderful / healthy / loving / functional /…" when they clearly weren’t.

16)  Believing “My parent/s really loved me,” and being unable to describe how they demonstrated that; and/or amplifying, distorting, or inventing parental behaviors to “prove” their love.

17)  Consistently idealizing outcomes, and/or expecting unrealistic attitudes, behaviors, or outcomes from people and situations.

18)  Interpreting people, relationships, and events as manifesting "prophesies" in a sacred or occult text, rather than seeing real causes-and-effects.

19)  Believing that Satan, the Devil, "demons," "evil spirits," or malevolent ghosts are causing personal or global troubles, vs. psychological, social, genetic, and environmental realities. 

There are many other symptoms - these are illustrative. In general, the more symptoms above that you or another person has, the higher the odds you or s/he is dominated by a well-meaning false-self trying to protect your vulnerable Inner Kids by distorting scary and painful realities. Recall: this is one of 12 false-self symptom checklists in Project 1.

Common Impacts of Excessive Distortions on Other People

        Typically kids and adults who repeatedly hear things like "You're crazy!", "You're wrong!", "I never (did / said / thought) ______ !", and "Yes you did (say / promise / do) _____!" have reactions like...

  How do reality distortions affect typical marriages? in many direct and indirect ways. How depends partly on whether one or both partners are ruled by a false self, and are in true (vs. pseudo) wound recovery. Though every relationship is unique, some representative distortion > reaction patterns are...

How do typical caregivers' reality distortions affect dependent kids? Dozens of factors shape the answer to this question, including a child's age, gender, birth order, who else is around to intervene, and how they intervene. Some general reactions look like this:

        A minor child with several caregivers who often have significant reality distortions and other false-self wounds will probably exaggerate the kinds of reactions shown above. Also, typical kids of divorce encounter different views of "reality" in each of their bioparents' homes, and/or between their two sets of relatives. If there's a lot of competition, distrust, and blaming / counter-blaming in or between their two family groups, typical kids' false selves will try to adapt to the "war" they didn't cause and can't control.

Options for Confronting and Reducing Major Distortions

        Recall that significant reality distortion is a symptom of the real problem: a disorganized personality ruled too often by protective Guardian subselves who distrust your resident true Self and a benign, responsive Higher Power. So the best way to reduce major reality distortions in yourself is to intentionally harmonize your inner team of subselves and free your true Self to lead them. These Project-1 Web articles and this related guidebook offer an effective way to do this over time.

        If your partner, an ex mate, a child, or a relative seem to have significant reality distortions and other false-self symptoms, see this for practical options. For more general perspective, study these slide presentations on personality subselves, the silent [wounds + ignorance] cycle that may be harming your family and descendents, and false-self wound recovery. If you have trouble viewing these slides, see this.

Continue assessing for false-self dominance, "score" your results, or study wound-recovery, these questions and answers, other Project-1 articles, or recovery-related books.

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Updated  July 16, 2008