Project 1 of 12 - assess for psychological wounds and reduce them
	Comparison: Typical Behavioral Traits of True and False Selves Signs of who controls someone's life By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/01/f+t_selves.htm

Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.         This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources.         Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.         This article offers a reliable way to tell who controls your or someone else's life.         Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

Background

        Many neurologists, philosophers, and everyday people propose that we each have a self. There has been rich and raucous debate across centuries and cultures about what that is. After 15 years' study I propose there are two types of self which regulate your personality and behaviors every day.

        If our early-childhood nurturing is wholistically-healthy enough, we seem to automatically develop a  personality subself which acts like a naturally-talented orchestra leader, athletic coach, or chairperson. This subself has clear, realistic wide-angle, long-range vision. S/He consistently makes healthy, balanced minor and major decisions based on the dynamic input of our five or six senses and vocal other subselves.

In this best case, our complex evolving network of neural computers is directed and coordinated each moment by this highly-skilled true Self (capital "S"). When that happens, kids and adults report feeling a mix of grounded, calm, purposeful, focused, optimistic, strong, "up," content, alert, aware, alive, resilient, centered, resilient, secure, potent, and compassionate. Remember the last time you felt a blend of these?

Enter the (Protective) "False" (Pseudo) Self

        But... if very young kids experience significant lack of wholistic nurturance, their personalities (brains) seem to develop a different kind of self (small "s"). Their true Self seems overwhelmed or blocked from developing and directing their actions by other well-meaning but limited, impulsive Vulnerable and Guardian personality subselves who want to "run the show."

        False-self formation and dominance is normal, widespread, and promotes survival vs. growth. It's like a distrustful, disgruntled violinist, tuba player, and lead tenor pushing their talented conductor off the podium and fighting over who will lead the orchestra.

        We kids and adults can range between "a little wounded" or "a lot," depending on (a) our local environment and situation, (b) how many members of our personality "orchestra" are vying for control, and (c) how intense their values and perception conflicts are.

        These squabbling subselves become our false or pseudo self. If someone has been directed by a false self most of their life, s/he experiences that as normal. The idea that there is another subself in them that - if allowed to - can consistently make "better" life decisions is alien and weird. Do you relate?

Note: A common first-reaction to "personality subselves" is anxiety about being crazy or having a "multiple personality." Since about 1980, psychiatrists and sociologists have guesstimated that about 5% of  Americans seems to have extreme personality fragmenting.

        That was called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), and is now dubbed "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (DID) by psychiatrists. The common clinical term for "personality splitting" (false-self formation and dominance) is dissociation. 

Research repeatedly suggests that such massively fragmented people survived extreme abuse and psycho-spiritual neglect as young children. The great majority of us, probably including you, do not have anywhere close to this DID degree of personality fragmenting - but we do have some.

       In this site, a Grown Wounded Child (GWC) is an adult who's personality is "significantly" ruled by a false self, according to someone. Before recovery, we're usually unaware of false-self dominance and its impacts, though we're adept at spotting false-self symptoms in other people! 

        The bad news: Being significantly controlled by a false self has powerful personal, re/marital and parental implications. In my experience, the high majority of troubled, divorcing, and re/married co-parents are GWCs in major denial.

        The good news: Once identified, false-self dominance can be significantly reduced over time (and true Selves enabled), via self-motivated personal recovery.

        Project 1 in this site is devoted to assessing for, and healing, significant false-self dominance. See the Project 1 guidebook Who's Really Running Your Life? by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW (Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.).

Trait Comparison

        Here's a way to sense who's leading someone's personality (like yours) recently or situationally. For more detail on behavioral symptoms on each of the six common false-self wounds, follow these links.

Common True Self Behavioral Traits

Common False-self Behavioral Traits

Alert, awake, aware Generally "up" and "light," (mood) Usually realistically optimistic Focused, clear, and centered Compassionate, kind, forgiving Firm, strong, motivated, purposeful Calm, serene, peaceful Usually has a wide-angle, long-range  focus - accepts delayed gratification Balances long and short-term payoffs Usually patient, persistent, committed Appreciative, grateful, "glass half-full" Empathic, sensitive, genuinely respectful Spiritually open, aware, "connected,"  receptive, growing Consistently self-nurturing without egotism Genuine, honest, open, direct Respectfully assertive Socially engaged and active Physically healthy: balanced diet, exercise, work and rest; preventive checkups Spontaneously expressive of all emotions real-time, without major anxiety or guilt Able to form genuine bonds with others Able to judge who to dis/trust with what Realistically self-responsible Usually realistic about life and situations Spontaneously able to exchange love Comfortable receiving merited praise Often able to forgive self and others Frequently includes others in his or her "awareness bubble" Seldom gives double messages Able to grieve losses spontaneously Seeks Self-guided people and high-nurturance settings Evolving and living a clear life-purpose Work, play, and rest are generally balanced

Fuzzy, distracted, confused, numb Often "heavy," "down," gloomy, manic Usually pessimistic or idealistic Confused, vague, unfocused Blaming, critical, bigoted indecisive, anxious, unsure, cautious "Upset," scared, angry, guilty, ashamed Usually has a narrow, short-term focus -   Usually seeks immediate gratification Often impatient, impulsive, uncommitted Bitter, jealous, resentful, "half empty" Selfish, arrogant, disrespectful Spiritually unaware, skeptical, closed, scornful, or uninterested Consistently self-neglectful Dishonest, indirect, sly, controlling Timid and apologetic or aggressive Isolated or compulsively social Physically unhealthy; relies on prescribed or self-medication.  Anxious, guilty, or blocked about feeling and/or expressing some or all emotions Difficulty forming true (vs. pseudo) bonds Difficulty discerning who to trust with what Notably over- or under-responsible Frequent distortions and denials Difficulty giving and/or receiving real love Uncomfortable receiving merited praise Difficulty forgiving self and/or others Often focuses only on her/himself or a conversational partner - 1-person "bubble" Often gives double messages Difficulty grieving on one to three levels Unconsciously prefers wounded people and low-nurturance settings Unclear on or indifferent to a life purpose Work, play, and rest are often unbalanced

        For more perspective, see...

this introduction to normal personality subselves - slides or text;

the silent [wounds + ignorance] cycle that may harm your family and descendents - slides or text

this overview of wound-reduction - slides or text. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this.

these Project-1 topics;

these common questions about subselves; and...

If you're skeptical about personality subselves, try "talking" to one or yours, and reading this open letter to you.

        For options on adapting to a significantly-wounded mate, ex mate, relative, stepchild, or co-worker, follow the links. For options on preventing  false-self wounds in your family, community, church, state, or nation, see this series.

Option: assess whether you and/or another adult or child are significantly ruled by a false self.

 Recap

        This Project 1 article and nonprofit Web site propose that normal personalities (like yours) are composed of talented "subselves," and are controlled by a wise true Self (capital S) or a "false self." Observable behaviors suggest which of these is true, situationally or over time.

        From 16 years' clinical research and observation, the article (a) provides brief background on this premise, and (b) defines common behavioral traits of a typical true Self and false self . 

        People often controlled by a false self are usually survivors of major childhood neglect, who don't (want to) know about their resulting psychological wounds and what they usually mean. Assessing whether another person is currently or regularly controlled by a false self can empower you to choose (a) whether to maintain a relationship with them, and (b) the best way to respond to them.

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you want to do now? If not - what do you need? Would you answer the poll at the top of the article the same way now?

        Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self  or "someone else"?

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Updated  April 19, 2008