The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc-intro.htm.
Six False-self (Psychological) Wounds
I
come from a very low-nurturance childhood, as I suspect both my
alcoholic parents did. The summary below comes
from 19 years' effort to
(a) understand and heal my own personality-subself chaos
and to (b) empower hundreds of troubled psychotherapy clients to do the same.
My
understanding is based on the teachings
of several dozen veteran mental-health
professionals whose works I've studied, and who's knowledge, heart, and
clear vision I’ve come to respect and trust.
Though details
vary infinitely, significant childhood nurturance-deprivation
(neglect) seems to
promote two to six discrete psychological "wounds:"
a leaderless, chaotic
group of
personality subselves, which
distrust and disable the resident true Self and promote excessive (vs. normal)...
shame and guilts,
anxieties, fears, and phobias,
reality distortions,
including repression, idealizing, minimizing, discounting, ignoring,
exaggerating, numbing, "forgetting," and denial - including denial of
these distortions; and...
an inability to bond with others and to
give, feel, and receive genuine love.The clinical name
for this tragic wound is
"Reactive
Attachment Disorder (RAD), which often goes undiagnosed in adults.
Each wound has
unique symptoms, and is healed differently. The keystone is...
Wound 1) Living under the control of a
well-meaning false
self and not knowing it.
A group of (Vulnerable)
inner kids and their
tireless
Guardian subselves (brain regions) distrust
and bypass the talented true Self to make daily and long-range
decisions as best they can.
These reactive subselves focus
steadily on short-term safety
and comfort, and often significantly distort or ignore
current realities. They mean well, and still often make unwise, unhealthy,
or impulsive decisions like rookies trying to run a professional sports or
construction team. There are
clear traits and behavioral
symptoms of true-Self and false-self
personality leadership.
False-self dominance promotes these
other five
wounds in varying degrees:
Wound 2)Excessiveshame: False-self belief: "I'm totally worthless and unlovable, no matter what anyone
says!" Typical symptoms: harsh self-criticism, chronic self abuse and neglect,
rigid denials, "low self esteem," chronic underachievement, avoiding eye contact, inability to accept
merited praise and love, preferring
shame-based (wounded) companions,
andmany others...
The companion condition is excessive (vs. normal, healthy)
guilts. False-self belief: "I break important
rules (shoulds, have-to's, ought-to's, musts,...) ; I do bad things." Typical
divorcing families and stepfamilies
(like yours?) are riddled with reasons for kids and adults to feel major guilts.
And another common false-self injury is...
Wound 3)
Irrational, excessive
fears of
significant
pain from:
major
loss (broken
bonds to prized living things, dreams, freedoms, rituals, and
ideas);
the unknown,
"failure" andsuccess, and
fear of...
emotional
overwhelm - i.e. fear of intimacy, risk, and interpersonal conflict.
Typical wound symptoms include compulsive relationship
addictions
(codependence), excessive independence and social isolation
("distancing"), and others. And
many survivors of low-nurturance childhoods endure...
Wound 4)
Major trust disorders:(a) an "irrational" reluctance to trust safe people and
situations, or (b) notable ambivalence ("I trust you - but I don't"), or
(c) repeatedlyovertrusting
abusive or hurtful people or situations, despite painful betrayals. Another
sign of this
wound is
(d) chronic self distrust: constantly doubting or
"second-guessing" your own feelings, thoughts, perceptions, opinions,
and needs.
Another sign is (e) rigidly overtrusting toxic religious beliefs
(fanaticism), or (f) rejecting or distrusting a benign
Higher Power. Distrust strives to
avoid pain and injury, which are very frequent in low-nurturance environments.
Another widespread
sign of unseen false-self dominance is...
Wound 5) Significant
reality
distortions: denials, repressions,
illusions and
delusions,
projections,
minimizing, exaggerating,
"paranoia and neuroses,"catastrophizing, and idealizing.
A key symptom of this common
condition is denial
of ...
significant false-self dominance ("Well,
I'm certainly not wounded!"),
its effects ("These wounds have no
impacts on me!"), and ...
its causes ("No, my childhood
nurturance was great!").
The master
symptom of this crippling wound is denial of distortions.
For people from extremely low-nurturance childhoods, these five false-self
wounds may combine to
cause...
Wound 6) Difficulty
bonding with
(psychologically attaching
to, or caring about) (a) one's self (self neglect), (b) some or all other people or living
things, and/or
with (c) a benign
Higher Power.
Typical symptoms:
relentless senses of alienation,
"emptiness," and aloneness (disconnection)that some call "a hole in the soul."
chronic social and spiritual isolation;
feeling "alone in a crowd" and/or "I don't
belong anywhere"
vehement or passive atheism, or spiritual
"indifference."
So
one answer to "What's too little childhood emotional/spiritual
nurturance?" is "When it produces significant false-self wounds in an adult or child." "Significant"
can only be
a subjective judgment. Opinions will vary among a wounded adult,
their former and present mates, their kids, their kin, and any involved
health-professionals. Each wounded person is the ultimate expert.
Reality
Check
I
suspect these ideas are new to you. When you're undistracted and your
Self
(capital "S") is
guiding
your personality, clarify your reaction to them with the
statements below. A = "I agree; D = "I disagree," and ?
= "I'm not sure" or "It depends on (what?)":
Families exist to nurture (fill
the needs of) their kids and adults. (A D ?)
Some familiesare more effective at nurturing than others. (A D ?)
How much psychological and
spiritual nurturance a child experiences in her or his first four to six
years greatly affects how her or his personality develops.(A
D ?)
Normal
(vs. pathological) human personalities seem to be composed of
semi-independent "subselves" or "parts." (A D ?)
If you're curious or skeptical about this, learn more: (a) read this
summary, (b) try this safe
experience, and (c) read this
true story and this
letter to you.
Normal personalities range from
disorganized to harmonious locally or over time, depending on which
subselves guide or manage
them. (A D ?)
The concept of six personality
wounds
summarized in this article makes sense to me.
(A D ?)
This
Project-1 article introduces core
concepts and terms that underlie this whole non-profit divorce-prevention site. From
29 years'
clinical research and six decades of personal experience, the main premise
here is:
children growing up in a low-nurturance childhood survive by
automatically developing a
false self
.
This promotes up to five
related psychological
wounds
which inexorably impair short and long-term decisions, and cause relentless
stress and illness. In this site, women and men burdened
by these wounds usually
inherit them
from wounded,
unaware
ancestors. They are called "Grown Wounded Children" or GWCs
here. We
GWCs seem to
greatly outnumber American Grown Nurtured Children,
who were blessed with
high-nurturance childhood environments.
Self-help literature after 1980 calls GWCs
"Adult Children"
of childhood "dysfunction" (low nurturance), or of
"toxic
(wounded) parents." In researching stepfamilies since 1979, I've found
no writing that explicitly proposes personality subselves, false-self
dominance and
wounds, what causes them, or what to do about them. That's why this non-profit
divorce-prevention Web site and
the related guidebooks exist.
In my
experience as a therapist and co-parent, (a)
divorce and (b)
courting a divorcing and/or "troubled" parent suggests
(vs. proves) significant false-self wounds and unawareness in one or
more adults, including ex mates. If this is true, the recent 47% first-divorce rate and
higher (?) re/divorce rate imply the prevalence of
low-nurturance childhoods and related wounds in America. That
implies that this core co-parenting
and re/divorce hazard (false-self wounds) probably affectsyou
and any kids in your life.
In
this site, co-parent
Project 1 of
12 offers effective ways to...
understand personality subselves and false-self wounding,
Throughout this site,
recovery means
intentionally reorganizing and harmonizing co-parents' personality
subselves under the guidance of their
Higher Power and
emancipated true Self,
over time. The
payoffs for this are life-extending and priceless:
providing a high-nurturance environment for the people you love
the most.
The alternatives are epidemic in our and other countries (e.g. the
war-torn Middle East): false-self dominance combines with
four other hazards to cause low-nurturance
(step)families, psychological and legal re/divorce/s, and
unintentionally wounding your vulnerable dependent kids as your
unaware
ancestors did. There are
many other major social
consequences.
Next:
explore what it means to be
controlled by a well-meaning false self.
Also learn what it means to be a child depending on
unaware, wounded co-parents. Could that describe you as a
youngster? Your child/ren? Options: study...
these
slide presentations on
personality subselves, the silent [wounds +
ignorance] cycle that may be harming your
family and descendents, and wound-recovery.
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
this; and...
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc-intro.htm.
Six False-self (Psychological) Wounds
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