What It Means to Be
Ruled by a False Self

• home > site overview > site map or directory > Q&A,  Project 1 links, Solutions article, or prior page > here

The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc-meaning.htm

        This is one of a series of Web pages on co-parent Project 1: adults assess themselves and related co-parents and kids for symptoms of significant psychological wounds, and reduce any you find. Project 1 underlies all 11 other co-parent Projects toward evolving high-nurturance families.

After 19 years' clinical research, I believe unseen psychological wounds from low-nurturance childhoods in one or more of a family's co-parents is one of five reasons for widespread U.S. (re)divorce. This article summarizes six common impacts of these wounds, and ways to reduce them. If you haven't recently, I suggest you read the prior article or this slide presentation for background, and return.


 Six Effects of False-self Dominance

       What follows is my conclusion after studying false-self (psychological) wounds and wound-recovery from them in divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents since 1986. I estimate that 80% or more of the 1,000+ typical co-parents I've met since 1981showed clear signs of false-self wounds. Under 5% of them knew that, or what it meant (this article).

        The high majority were in protective denial of their wounds, and were unaware of how being often controlled by a well-meaning false self was affecting their and their minor kids' lives. These effects include...

• Being unconsciously attracted to significantly-wounded partners - repeatedly;

• Unintentionally reproducing low-nurturance family environments and wounding their kids;

• Unconsciously choosing low-nurturance work, social, and religious (church) settings;

• Having to intentionally reorganize their personality and relationships to reduce troublesome traits and behaviors like these (i.e. having to recover);

• Choosing a human-service occupation and/or depending on wounded human-service professionals, and...

• Suffering significant health problems and dying prematurely without knowing who they really were or could have become.

        Notice your reaction to these wound-impacts. Could they apply to you? To your mate? To your ex mate? A child in your life? Here's some...

Perspective on These Effects

        1) Being repeatedly attracted to significantly-wounded partners, despite painful results. The interaction of wounds in two people ruled by false selves usually causes mounting relationship conflict and stress, and promotes eventual psychological or legal breakup. This is specially likely if the mates lack basic information on effective relationships and communication - which is common.

        One implication is that a high percentage of the possible new partners after a mate-death or divorce - specially for women - is significantly wounded. Often, divorced co-parents are dealing with a web of unfinished issues with ex mates and perhaps kin, which complicates potential new primary relationships. 

        Other millions of wounded adults create a string of approach-avoid relationships. Still others choose non-intimate or solitary (i.e. safe) lifestyles ("I guess Pat's just not marriage material...") for a mix of surface reasons. Many clinical professionals believe these inner wounds are best healed in the context of a primary relationship. If so, solitary Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) have lower odds of reducing their false-self dominance.

        Another common effect of these inner wounds is...

        2) Until progressing well with personal recovery, typical wounded adults unintentionally choose and promote low-nurturance family environments. One common result is passing on false-self wounds to their minor kids - despite fervent vows to "not be like my (neglectful or abusive) Mom / Dad!" Their wounded childhood caregivers often felt the same.

        Many such kids will begin to show symptoms of false-self dominance ("act out," and/or get "sick," extra angry, withdrawn, over-anxious, "hyper," or "depressed") before puberty. Other kids adapt to their nurturance deprivations and false-self injuries by becoming super responsible and obedient, and relentlessly helpful and cheerful. This is usually an unconscious survival tactic, not wholistic health or happiness.

        And typical people controlled by false selves...

        3) unconsciously choose low-nurturance ("toxic") work, social, and religious settings, over and over. These reproduce the familiar environment that they grew up in, even if it was significantly anxious, confusing, and shaming. Such choices promote ongoing personal anxiety, frustrations, and distractions. These inhibit effective wound-recovery and healthy primary and caregiving relationships.

        A related problem may be frequent chosen or forced job and/or location changes. These can reduce security and occupational confidence, hinder income levels, inhibit friendships, and amplify anxiety, self doubt, and/or cynicism. Wounded people in effective personal recovery - often starting in midlife - begin to choose wholistically-healthier (higher nurturance) settings and relationships. Over time, their and their kids' life quality notably improves.

        Another meaning of false-self dominance:

        4) True wound-recovery requires realizing, grieving, and accepting that the person's childhood lacked major psychological and spiritual nurturances. As old denials dissolve, recovers must confront feelings of hurt, rage, and ultimately deep sadness that the caregivers they depended on couldn't help them fill their developmental needs adequately.

        Often, recovery creates the need to confront older family members on this, in order to release these long-repressed feelings. Parents' and relatives' reactions can range from family-wide recovery (the best case) to major guilt, sadness, and depression, to rigid, angry rejection, criticism, and hostility ("How dare you accuse Mom and me of being inadequate or 'wounded' parents after all that we did for you!")

        Because traditions, holidays, and the media impel typical family members to congregate, recoverers find themselves torn between needing to "avoid toxic relationships," and feeling obligated to be among kin who usually criticize, ignore, scorn, and misunderstand them. If relatives' are too wounded and unaware, family-relationship cut-offs can occur from recovery-confrontations, causing major losses. Recoverers face the implacable reality they can't force or persuade their family members to accept and support their wound-recovery.

        A variation of this occurs for some devout recoverers. As they heal, they may see that their childhood religion promoted major shame, guilt, fears, and pseudo spirituality, so they seek a healthier framework of divine and human communion. "Honor thy Father and thy Mother" have deep historic, religious, and emotional roots. Breaking with family religious traditions can be an exceptionally volatile stressor which can further promote kinship antagonisms and cutoffs.

        Other recoverers are blessed with liberal religions, clergy, and congregations that empathically endorse and support healing from spiritual and psychological abuses. That can help the whole family adjust to evolving true recoveries. A sign of real healing is spontaneously finding and using effective recovery supports. There are many!

   And being significantly controlled by a false self often means...

Consider any "acting out" or trouble with your or other peoples’ kids, in light of what you’re reading here. Conversely, if you’re considering the role of stepparent with the kids of a marvelous unrecovering partner, expect their kids to have early versions of two or more false-self wounds. Think what that may mean in the months and years ahead… Beware of rescuing appealing, struggling others as a reason to re/wed!

If you’re seriously considering stepfamily re/marriage, I urge you lovebugs to invest significant time doing pre-re/wedding Projects 1-7. Study and this slide presentation, and/or look for a sponsor for this re/marriage preparation course, or take it yourselves. And a final option:

Relax now, perhaps reread all this later, and let it all sink in - perhaps over several weeks. Trust your "still small voice" to guide you in the best choices for you and any minor kids now…

        Any kids that you and your partner care about - and any unborn children - and their future fan of descendents all silently depend on you to take this false-self wounding concept (and Project-1) seriously now…

Status Check

        See where you stand on these Project 1 concepts now: T = True, F = False, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)?

I can clearly describe the concept of normal personalities being composed of specialist "subselves" to an average high school freshman now.  (T  F  ?)

I (a) can describe what a "true Self" and a "false self" are to an average high school freshman now, and I (b) believe these concepts apply to average kids and adults in our society.  (T  F  ?)

I accept that some families nurture their members (fill their primary needs) more effectively than other families do. (T  F  ?)

I accept that (a) typical kids who get too little psychological and spiritual nurturance in their early years automatically develop a false self to survive, which (b) often causes up to five other significant psychological "wounds." (T  F  ?) 

I can name six personal impacts of significant false-self wounds, and describe at least one major implication of each impact now. (T  F  ?)

I accept that once a person identifies and accepts their false-self wounds, s/he can choose to reduce them (recover) with qualified help, over time.  (T  F  ?)

I accept that regardless of age, experience, and formal education, average wounded co-parents who don't seek to free their Self and harmonize their other subselves risk unintentionally passing on false-self wounds to dependent kids and spreading the toxic cycle of wounds and unawareness.

I know where to find more information on these topics in this Web site.  (T  F  ?)

My true Self is responding to these items now.  (T  F  ?)

        What did you just learn? If you're skeptical about personality subselves and false-self wounds, please (a) try this interesting exercise, and (b) read this letter to you before you make your mind up.

Next...

• Study and discuss these slide presentations* on personality subselves and the [wounds + ignorance] cycle that may be harming your family and descendents, or...

• try this safe, interesting exercise: "interview" one or more of your subselves; or...

• read this true example of false selves at work in a real stepfamily, or...

• overview how to assess for false-self wounds, or...

• study these frequently-asked questions about personality subselves; or...

• read this summary of common behavioral traits of people guided by a true Self or a false self; or...

• study this slide presentation* on recovery from false-self wounds, or...

• explore the possibilities of inner-family therapy, or...

• review these articles on adapting to wounded mates, ex mates, relatives, and (step)kids, or...

• invest in the Project-1 guidebook "Who's Really Running Your Life?", or...

• follow a link below..

* If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this.

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident true Self, or "someone else"?

<<  This article was very helpful   somewhat helpful   not helpful   >>  

<<  Prior page  /  Project-1 index  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  /  Email this article's address  >>

Updated  May 05, 2008