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This 9-page series begins at http://sfhelp.org/01/ifs1-intro.htm

        We're outlining key preparation steps before you start to meet your team of talented subselves.  Please turn off your browser's popup blocker to access the informational popups in this article and series.

  Rank Key Life "Problems"

        As your parts-work goals become clearer, prioritize them periodically to avoid trying to work on too many things at once. For example: if you find from initial parts work that the process really does bring positive changes to your life, your Achiever,  Perfectionist, and other subselves might push hard to work on "lose that weight for good / stop being so shy / have a better sex life / make more money / stop interrupting others / make more friends / sleep better / end these migraines / break the Dove-bar habit / stop obsessing about _______!"

        This can feel like being in Disneyland and wanting to take all the rides at once. As an effective exec, your unblended (enabled) Self is likely to say something like "Look, we have to pick one or two projects at a time. There is enough time and energy to work on each of these. Probably the best choice for us right now is to focus on being less "busy," and to make time to meditate and do some parts work each day without too much guilt or anxiety. How does everyone feel about those two goals?"

        Notice that the specific steps outlined in this article provide ready-made goals. Avoid adopting them as is unless you rewrite them in your language and style and make them yours.

        Once you’ve picked a specific parts-work target, try vividly imagining your daily life after fully achieving that goal. Option: write a journal page, and sketch a typical "new" day. What would be significantly different? (Don't forget the new conflicts that will arise ).

        The next preparation step to take is to decide...

How Important Is Your Parts Work?

        Let your Self poll everyone inside, and decide: "What life activities are generally more important to me (us) these days than inner-family work, and which are less?" A few activities will usually  come before this personal-growth work, like your job, your physical health, caring for dependents, and nurturing other important relationships. Consider making a commitment to yourself to invest regular undistracted time and effort in hi-priority inner-family harmonizing work for a specific time period, or until... (what?)

        Affectionately expect some skeptical, anxious, and catastrophizing Guardians and Vulnerables to  try to sabotage your commitment. How would your model hero/ine and team leader handle such anxieties and doubts? Try trusting that your Self knows just the right way to respond, if free to do so.

Self-ish vs. selfish

        Some parts-work beginners say "I feel so selfish focusing on me like this!" Teach your inner Critic and Shamed One/s the difference between being "selfish" and "Self-ish." The former means to intentionally act to fill your own needs without caring about the needs or feelings of others. Self-ish means to attend the needs, feelings, and welfare of all your subselves and body equally with those of the key people around you - without guilt or anxiety. A big difference! 

If any subselves protest this view, work patiently with them to re-evaluate it. Survivors of low-nurturance childhoods are used to self-neglect ("Always put the other guy first!"}, so promote yourself from one-down to equal - without guilt or shame.  Self-ish is healthy and OK! Study this sample Personal Bill of Rights, and use it as an inspiration to start evolving your own.

        Another important preparation is to...

Check Your Initial Attitudes

        Before meeting your inner team, assess some key beliefs about personality subselves. They will significantly shape your parts-work experience and outcomes.

        Consider that each of your subselves carries its own beliefs about the real world, including about parts work - and that their beliefs may vary greatly with each other. The goal here is to get clear on some initial inner-family beliefs that your Self can use as productive parts-work guides. As your work progresses, other subselves usually shift their beliefs because of the new experiences you’ll have.

        Notice your reaction to each of these attitudes as you read. Take your time, and add more like these that occur to you:

Your Belief about Changing Your Beliefs

        Most people (i.e. their dominant subselves) normally have initial doubts, skepticism, or outright disbeliefs about some parts-work basics. They also may feel (protectively) "I probably can’t (won’t) change what I believe." That’s normal and OK. Revising our old beliefs and forming new ones requires new information, experimenting, some safe risks, and new experiences. It takes time. Here are several exercises to help form helpful, realistic initial inner-family attitudes:

Describe as clearly as you can out loud or in writing what "a belief" or "an attitude" is. How would you explain the concept to someone just learning the English language?

Recall one or more key beliefs you’ve had earlier in your life which has changed substantially. Letting go of believing in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, ghosts, and the Tooth Fairy are pretty common (Western) examples. Learning what married life and child-raising are really like are others.

Now - experiment and speak a comfortable form of these affirmations several times. Close your eyes and listen - or say them to your image in a mirror:

"I can safely change my beliefs in minor or major ways when I'm ready to, and if there are good reasons to do so."

"I am in charge of my present and future beliefs and attitudes."

"Getting clear on my true beliefs promotes healthy choices and decisions."

"Sometimes normal people can believe opposing things at the same time."

Review these inner-family basics, and write down your current belief or attitude about each one. You may find "I have no reaction to this one, now," or "I have several reactions!" Just write down whatever thought or feeling appears, without judgment (your Inner Critic won't be thrilled). These are your initial inner-family beliefs and feelings - your jumping-off point.

        For each belief you’ve identified that seems like it would interfere with reaching your inner-family harmonizing goals, draft a simple affirmation that leads towards dissolving the interference. For example: if you discover...

"I’m not sure I have an true-Self part who is instinctively an effective leader that my other subselves can completely trust"

draft and try out something realistic, simple, and freeing like ...

"Over time, I can thoroughly research whether I have an effective true Self or not. I can choose to keep an open mind on this until I do enough research."

        See how the attitudes below feel. React to them honestly to discover your own core beliefs. Edit those until they’re comfortable enough for at least your Self:

   Your Belief about Self-permission

"I give my self full permission to do parts work now in a way that suits me, with calm confidence. I need not please anyone else as I develop my own inner-family ideas, goals, style, pace, and results."

  Your Belief about Change, Risks, and Loss

"Using parts work to free and empower my Self (capital "S"), and to really increase my inner-family harmony, will require my subselves to make significant changes over time. My Self and subselves can find a safe way together to make the changes I need."

"Making healthy personal changes requires taking some risks. My unblended Self can determine what a safe risk is for me at any time. S/He can coordinate my resources to safely take the risk, and gain new learning and attitudes."

"Making personal changes always involves losses (broken bonds) and gains. I am fully capable of grieving any major losses I experience from doing my parts work safely and healthily."

"I can find an effective way to reassure and calm any terrified parts that they’re not in danger of being ‘killed’, ‘fired’, "forgotten," or ‘thrown out’ as we patiently reorganize, retrain, and harmonize my inner family."

"I can develop effective ways over time to (a) safely rescue any of my parts living in the past, and (b) redirect my misguided parts’ energies in more helpful ways."

  Your Belief About Personal Safety

"As I do this inner-family work, I (my Self) am the ultimate authority on what feels safe at any time. I will stop any aspect of work that feels unsafe; learn what my parts’ anxiety is about; and then calmly deliberate and decide how to proceed - without major guilt, shame, or anxiety."

"I can trust my Self and other parts to direct the pace and course of this work so that anything that comes up can be safely handled. Nothing awful or evil will be loosed to significantly harm me or others."

"If I do discover that I have many personality parts and an inner family, I am not - and never was or will be - ‘crazy’. I am, and always have been, normal and OK, given the life experiences I’ve had."

  Your Belief About Realistic Optimism

"I (my Self) can maintain a cautiously-positive open mind about the possible benefits of parts work for me. I don’t need all my parts to believe this, right now."

"I can honor my Vulnerables’ and Guardians’ needs to believe our inner-family efforts ‘won’t work’. I will move us ahead with this project anyway."

   Your Belief About Affirmations

"I can learn to and effectively evolve and use realistically-positive affirmations in achieving my key inner-family harmonizing goals, over time."

   Your Belief About Tolerances

"I can learn to tolerate not knowing what changes this parts work will bring about in my life, without undue anxiety. I can also tolerate not knowing how long this process will take us."

  Your Belief About Handling Subselves’ "Resistances"

This is a key focus. Some of your parts will normally be scared, skeptical, and even hostile to your inner-family work - specially if it involves an unknown professional helper. In pursuing their prime objective to keep you and themselves safe, they will probably give you some intense initial thoughts like these:

"This (parts work) is stupid. You are a real jerk to believe this junk!"

"You don’t have time (to do it)"

"You know you’ve never been any good at meditating."

"(parts work) won’t work for me."

"Nothing comes - and nothing will." (when trying to contact a part);

"You’re going to release or discover something bad (terrifying or fatal)."

"I just can’t do it alone."

"It’s too abstract - I can’t do that kind of stuff."

"If I ’go inside’, I’ll go crazy (or ‘get stuck in there’). I’ll certainly be put away."

"Other people will surely: laugh / say "you are weird!" / tell me to stop / reject and abandon me / get upset."

        Anything familiar here? As you notice well-meant inner warnings like these, notice the pronouns: "I," "you," and "me" refer to the part that’s "speaking," not your (unblended) Self. You refers to your whole inner family or self (little "s").

        Some of your parts may manifest their anxiety ("resistance") through physical symptoms, like aches, twinges, muscle tightness, yawning, and headaches. Your Self and they can learn to understand and resolve each of these, with time, empathy, teamwork, and patience. See what these attitude statements bring up among you (all):

"Some of my parts will naturally resist and try to sabotage my parts work. When they do, I know they are under-informed or misinformed, and are trying to protect me and themselves."

"None of my parts are evil or bad now - nor have they ever been. My parts always mean well, from their (limited) point of view. They can learn to change their views, if needed, when they feel safe, respected, and genuinely heard."

"I can respect and empathize with each protective part of me, as it expresses it’s fear and distrust, without agreeing and impeding our inner-family teambuilding."

        To honor (respect) any "pessimistic" (i.e. scared) Guardians, meditate or journal. Give them a chance to express their views on the specific risks they see to your doing parts work. What’s the worst thing that could happen, according to them? Why should you not do parts work? Now invite the other "side" of you to speak: what could happen if you don’t free and empower your wise resident Self, and increase your inner harmony? 

        Write both views down in your journal, log, or workbook, and review them regularly. Monitor your attitudes for change as your experience grows. Remind yourself that a normal, healthy part of second-order (core attitude or belief) change is temporary confusion and some anxiety.

        One last point to consider before you start to meet your talented inner clan: who should you invite to share and support your inner-family experience?

Picking Initial Supporters

        A fundamental theme that weaves through every aspect of successful inner-family work is growing internal senses of genuine trust and safety among all your subselves. The real-world people around you are a vital element in nurturing these two key resources.

  Who Should I Tell?

        Let’s face it: the idea that you, or all of us, are walking collections of "inner voices" and "subselves" is pretty weird for typical people. Recall your own initial reactions: Detached amusement? Cynical skepticism? Curiosity? Disbelief? Hostility? Righteous indignation and criticism?

        Most subselves are acutely aware of the people around you, and how they seem to feel about "you" (i.e. them). If you describe inner-family concepts or work to people who jeer, shame, discount, or threaten you (all) - it will scare certain young (Vulnerable) parts, activate their Guardians, and risk inner chaos and disabling (blending with) your Self.

        Be selective about whom you confide in, and what you confide. As you sense another person’s genuine interest, empathy, and support, trust them with more. Other people who are doing their own parts work are probably safe - unless their Self is not solidly in charge. Doing parts work with one or several others can be a rich and intimate experience. Trust your own "intuition" on whom to trust, with what, when - and "take it easy ...!"

        There are many alternatives. One is to tell close others "a little" about your parts and inner clan. That can sound like ...

 "Well, I’m just meditating and learning about myself in an interesting way these days. I’ll let you know if anything intriguing comes up." 

        By the way - you don’t have to tell anyone about your work. However, getting trusted others’ caring reactions, validations, and encouragements can often really deepen your insights, and speed your inner harmonizing.

  Who to Ask For Help

        For those of us who survived low-nurturance childhoods, our Guardians' and Vulnerables' combined fear, distrust, and shame can hinder or block our natural growth towards wholistic health. We try diets, and the pounds and bulges return. We take assertion courses, and the shyness and anxiety renew. We go to counseling and key relationships still don’t "work" well.

        Because of this, it can help to have an experienced, Inner Family Systems (IFS)-aware counselor keep you focused, motivated, and confident in doing (some of) your parts work. Borrowing their Self’s clarity, nurturing motivation, and clear leadership for a while can overcome your other parts’ fear until they free your Self to "drive your own bus." Because parts work is not yet widely accepted or taught among clinicians, clergy, or family-life educators, finding a qualified professional to help may be hard. One place to look is the Internal Family Systems (IFS) Web site.

        If you do find someone with IFS experience, look for these things in deciding whether to ask their help:

• Can the person describe parts theory coherently (i.e. some version of the basics in the overview and summary) in some detail - clearly and believably?

• Have they done their own personal parts work, and are they willing to describe some of it? Does their true Self seem to be consistently guiding their inner crew? 

• Can they coherently describe the main steps to follow and the main goals, in doing IFS work (as in this series)?

• How dos s/he propose to handle parts of you who may be in major (initial) conflict? (How does your Self want them to be treated?)

• Does s/he agree that the counselor's role is to empower your Self to promote the changes you want, acting as a skilled "co-therapist" who knows what you need better than s/he (the professional) does?

• Does the person include some form of redoing and rescuing parts stuck in the past in their inner-family techniques? If "no" - look elsewhere.

• Does s/he believe we each have a naturally-effective executive Self - or does s/he feel inner families are leaderless, and run by group consensus? (That idea works fine for some people!)

• Is s/he willing to flex (within "reason") and work with your inner family beliefs, or does s/he require you to adopt her or his beliefs?

        Notice the theme of these questions, and develop your own. If you have an anxious People-Pleaser subself who quails at assertively questioning "an authority" - reassure that subself you (all) have an indisputable right, as a human and a consumer, to evaluate whom you ask for help. You’d do that with a car mechanic, dentist, realtor, tax advisor, or a plumber, wouldn't you?. Hiring a professional parts-work consultant is no different.

        If you can’t find a qualified and experienced professional, then seek a trustworthy, experienced therapist who accepts Inner Family System (IFS) concepts and is motivated to learn about them with you. Some people eventually free their true Self without doing some version of "parts work." Many others never do. If you can find a grounded, centered therapist whom you (all) trust, see if s/he'll companion you as a supporter, guide, and IFS co-learner.

        We’ve just reviewed a set of preparations you can take before meeting your dynamic group of subselves and harmonizing them under your Self's expert leadership. If Vulnerable or Guardian parts really need you to skip some or all of these initial steps, know that you can pause anywhere along the way and do (or re-do) them then. I forecast that the earlier you do them, the more fulfilling, safe, speedy, and effective your work will be.

        As you do each of these prep steps, note with interest any inner voices, images, and impulses (like defocusing) that tend to hamper or block the step. Try out the idea that each of these reactions is a protective Guardian or Protector subself who’s distrustful, uncertain, and scared about what you’re doing. Be alert for patterns of inner "resistance" - they’re fertile areas for significant parts work and growth!

Ready? Take a break, if you need to. Then let’s meet your talented inner family of subselves...

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Updated  August 04, 2008