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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle, and protect your descendents |
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An Overview of
Family Project 1
- p. 2 of 2
Assess for false-self wounds,
and
recover as needed
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/01/project01.htm
Continued from p. 1...
Step 3) Assess Your Partner for Wounds
Perspective: wounded people seem
to unconsciously choose
partners repeatedly, until
they're well into true recovery from false-self dominance. Couples have
the best chance for (a) a long-lasting, satisfying relationship and (b)
raising
kids if both partners are minimally
wounded, or helping each other to recover from significant wounds. The
unremarked U.S. divorce epidemic is
sobering evidence of how widespread the
of
ancestral wounding and
is in our
culture. Prepare by (a) expecting to
invest several weeks in this vital evaluation, and (b) start by
reading (at least)...
Then...
Whether you're
recovering or not, use the same
12 assessment worksheets to
honestly evaluate the odds that
your present love-partner
is
significantly
wounded.
If you
conclude s/he probably or surely is, then discuss this
together, and show your partner the checklists. If s/he
seems genuinely interested in self-eva-luating for false-self dominance, encourage that, and share your own
false-self assessment findings and plans.
If s/he concludes s/he
is
significantly wounded, discuss becoming long-term
partners in helping each other re-empower your true Selves
and harmonizing your
personality
Continue building your rela-tionship, and support (vs. feel
responsible for) each other's
Such relationships are often among the strongest!
If s/he has any other reaction, meditate on
the high risks of trying to build a lasting relationship with a psychologically-wounded
person in protective
See these options for
relating well-enough to
significant-ly wounded adults and kids.
| Beware:
false-self reality distortions and excessive
can combine to
greatly
skew your judg-ment
here! Consider getting a
professional
opinion on any relationship commitment-decision you make. |
The next Project-1 step is...
4) One at a time,
assess your kids and their other
co-parent/s (including stepparents)...
If
you and/or your partner have prior kids: evaluate the odds
that each minor or grown child's other living or dead bioparent, and any new
partner of theirs, is or was an unrecovering, significantly-wounded adult. Use the same
12
checklists. If probably or surely
"yes," expect frequent relationship and co-parenting strife with them and
related kids.
Decide whether each such co-parent
would be open to learning about these Project-1 ideas and tools. If so, share them. If
not, content yourself with planting seeds, and let go of
any outcome. For the sake of
any dependent kids, invite
wounded co-parents to consider researching false-self dominance and recovery and, if
appropriate, inform them of your own healing plan.
|
Needy, wounded adults
unconsciously choose each other
for mates repeatedly
until well into personal recovery. My clinical experience since 1981
suggests that most divorced and stepfamily co-parents seem to be ruled
by false selves (wounded).
Premise: the more wounded and
unaware the
co-parents in your stepfamily are, the higher the odds of accumulating
stresses and eventual psychological or legal
Your
descen-dants depend on you co-parents to take
this essential project seriously, whether you're divorced, court-ing or
re/married! |
5)
If You Have False-self
Traits...
...make true (vs.
pseudo) recovery
one of your top
ongoing
personal
If you do
commit to a stepfamily
accept that
healing inner wounds will be
concurrent with
other ongoing projects, and will greatly affect your
progress with them.
This first
co-parent project lays a solid foundation for all these other 11 co-parent projects.
Taking steps like those above, specially
well before
a re/marriage commitment, will promote your and your kids' long-term success
at all your projects. Scan the many other Project-1
pages, and these books for more GWC/recovery
ideas and options.
Note that the
guidebook for Project 1 is
Who's Really Running Your Life?
- free your Self from custody, and guard your kids (Xlibris.com, 2000,
2nd ed.) It's
the first of a series of unique reference books dedicated to helping
co-parents build high-nurturance inner families and stepfamilies.
Project 1 is also summarized in the
guidebook for
Stepfamily Courtship.
Use recovery or adult child as Internet search terms, and see
what you get. There's lots of help available!
What now?
Overview
stepfamily basics, these key
questions and answers, the
five hazards you all face, and the outline of
each of the 12 co-parent safeguards. I suggest before learning details of Project
1, study how these seven courtship and five
post-re/marriage projects fit together over many years. Then begin to learn
more detail
about Project 1, and work on it - ideally
before committing you and any minor kids to
forming or joining a stepfamily!
When you've done
all that,
study the overview of
learn
seven communication
with your partners to help
resolve many
and stepfamily
conflicts. If this seems complicated and a lot of work - it
is! So is a high-stress, multi-problem family run by
several wounded co-parents! Take it patiently a day at a
time as
and
you can make it safely
and enjoy your adventure!
For perspective, scan this unsolicited
testimony about the impact of Project-1 ideas and tools on a typical
co-parent...
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Updated
August 04, 2008
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