• home > site overview > site map or directory > Q&A, Project 1 links, Solutions  article, or other > prior page > here

The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/01/w1-gwctraits.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

 Inner-wound Self-Assessment Checklists

       This is one of 12 Project-1 checklists which provide a way to assess if you or another person you care about has significantly psychological wounds from a low-nurturance childhood. After 29 years' research, I believe that assessing for these is the first of 12 co-parent Projects that promote long-term personal, relationship, and family health and contentment.

• This checklist summarizes 42 typical behavioral traits of people significantly governed by a false self - i.e. whose true Self is disabled. This causes up to five other inner wounds.

• Checklist # 2 provides a template of 29 high-nurturance family traits to compare your birth family and first-marriage family (if any) against. As kids, typical wounded adults experienced relatively few of these traits consistently.

• Checklist # 3 promotes spotting wound-symptoms in an adult’s or child’s family tree (ancestry).

• Checklist # 4 summarizes typical behavioral traits of members of a high-nurturance (wholistically- healthy, or "functional") group, like a classroom, committee, workgroup, or a (step)family.

• Checklist # 5 Summarizes characteristics of a high-nurturance group or organization - do you attend or work in one?

• Checklists # 6-11 give common behavioral symptoms of five other false-self wounds: excessive shame and guilts, fears, reality distortions, trust disorders, and difficulty feeling and bonding.

• Checklist # 12 offers a set of behavioral traits common to people with the psychological condition of codependence - i.e. relationship addiction. Many (most?) survivors of low childhood nurturance have many of these traits.

Assessing whether your partner may be significantly ruled by a well-meaning false self is another protection. Such awareness opens up clear-minded options about picking wholistically-healthy co-parenting partners for you and your kids.

         Checklist #1 - Directions

Read this brief perspective on your amazing modular personality, and return. That will help you to...

See if you usually feel a mix of these traits: centered, grounded, peaceful, alert, awake, "up," "light," focused, purposeful, resilient, realistic, compassionate, serene, calm, strong, and clear, so my true Self is probably leading my other subselves." If you don't feel some of these now, expect skewed results from this checklist.

Pick one or two people you want to rate (e.g. you, your partner, an ex mate, a parent,...). Then thoughtfully check each of the traits below that generally fits them.

Note your attitude as you start: this is not about blame or "badness," it’s about discovering opportunities to heal and succeed, long-term.

Take your time, and note any feelings and thoughts that occur to you as you go. Consider journaling about these to add to your learnings.

To avoid protective subselves' possibly distorting reality, I recommend that you use all 12 checklists before forming any conclusions from them.

Typical Behavioral Traits of False-self Wounds

__  __  1) S/He usually thinks in black-or-white ("bi-polar") terms: s/he sees things as either right or wrong, good or bad, relevant or not, logical or "stupid" - not somewhere between, or a mix. S/He's mildly to very uneasy with ambivalence, vagueness, or uncertainty.

__  __  2) S/He is often a (compulsive) perfectionist: achieving perfection is just "normal" (vs. special); S/He has trouble enjoying her/his own achievements, and is often uncomfortable accepting merited appreciation and praise.

__  __  3) S/He is often rigid and inflexible. S/He thinks obsessively, and/or acts compulsively, even if personally unpleasant, unnecessary, or unhealthy; or s/he is overly passive and compliant, fearing to take personal, social, and occupational initiatives and risks.

__  __  4) S/He is usually serious, intellectual, and analytic, wanting to understand life and situations, and know in detail why things are as they are. S/He may be interested in psychology, counseling, and/or study and discuss human behavior "endlessly."

__  __  5) S/He is often confused, disorganized, overwhelmed, and "helpless;" or is fiercely independent, controlling, and overcompetent. S/He depends excessively on, or chronically procrastinates or avoids seeking appropriate medical, psychological, social, and/or spiritual help (self neglect).

__  __  6) S/He is uncomfortable being silly, spontaneous, or childlike ("doesn't know how to play"), or is frequently silly, simplistic, childish, and joking. S/He is uncomfortable with, and frequently avoids, prolonged emotionally-intimate personal contacts.

__  __  7) S/He is extremely responsible (over-willing to take charge, organize, and fix things, even if personally taxing); or frequently irresponsible and undependable; and probably denies, minimizes, or rationalizes (explains) doing either one.

__  __  8) S/He often has trouble feeling and/or expressing strong emotions, and/or tolerating them in others - specially anger, hurt, fear, and sadness. S/He often feels "nothing," or has frequent unpredictable or inappropriate outbursts of rage, sadness, weeping, "depression," or anxiety. S/He may never apologize, or apologizes "all the time."

__  __  9) S/He compulsively needs to control personal emotions, key relationships, and interpersonal situations. S/He is overly aggressive, demanding, and domineering, or subtly, persistently manipulative - e.g. using guilt-trips or a "helpless victim" stance, striving to "always" get her/his way. Where true, s/he probably denies, minimizes, defends, jokes about, or rationalizes this.

__  __  10) S/He has significant memory gaps about early childhood years, events, and one or both parents. S/He knows little about one or both parents' childhood experiences and feelings, and finds that unimportant or unremarkable.

__  __  11) S/He's socially very shy or very adept, and has few or no real (intimate) friends. S/He has a history of relationship avoidances and/or break-ups, including divorce/s. S/He feels high discomfort with interpersonal commitment and/or intimacy, and consistently denies, minimizes, or rationalizes (intellectually explains and justifies) this.

__  __  12) S/He may be sexually dysfunctional - e.g. impotent, frigid, or compulsively avoids sexual contact; or s/he is harmfully seductive and promiscuous, and/or secretly uncomfortable with, or ashamed of, her or his gender, body (parts), sexual feelings and fantasies, and/or behavior. S/He may have been sexually abused or traumatized as a child or young adult.

__  __  13) S/He "never gets sick," or suffers chronic illnesses like migraines or other headaches, back, neck, or other muscle pain; insomnia or apnea, obesity; asthma; gastric, intestinal, or colon problems; anxiety attacks; phobias; allergies, or other emotional or physical maladies which may not respond to appropriate medications or therapies.

__  __  14) S/He is significantly uncomfortable about revealing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences (excessively distrustful),  or often discloses personal things inappropriately (naive, insensitive, and overtrusting)

__  __  15) S/He is uncomfortable giving, getting, and/or observing affectionate and appropriate touching and hugging ("stiff" or "cold"), and/or often touches others dutifully, awkwardly or inappropriately.

__  __  16) S/He often avoids personal conflicts with or between others by changing or controlling the conversation, getting intensely angry, "collapsing," or withdrawing physically and/or emotionally ("numbing out"); or s/he seems to often enjoy triggering or experiencing conflict (i.e. excitement and drama) with or between others.

__  __  17) S/He is compulsive about and/or is or was addicted to one or more of these:

__  __  18) S/He has children, relatives, and/or past or present partners who obsess about, or are or were addicted to, one or more of the above.

__  __  19) S/He has recurring depression, apathy ("laziness"), and/or tiredness "for no reason." S/He may have periodic sleep disorders (e.g. insomnia) and/or nightmares, and may medicate these.

__  __  20) S/He repeatedly feels "empty," "something's missing (in me)," or "I'm different (than other people) somehow...", without knowing why.

Continue with traits 21-42 and "scoring." Before you do, pause, breathe, and notice what you're (subselves are) thinking and feeling. Do you need a stretch break before finishing this?
 

<< Prior page  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  /  Email this worksheet's address  >>

 home  /  site overview  /  directory  /  site map  /  Q&A  /  quizzes  /  solutions  /  site search  /  glossary

  research  /  free course  /  guidebooks  /  NEW  forums  /  resources  /  feedback  and/or  subscribe  /  * copyright info

Updated August 25, 2008