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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Wound-assessment Worksheet #2
Traits 23-31 of
High-nurturance
Families and Groups
-
p. 2 of 2
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
|
 The Web address of this
2-page worksheet is
http://sfhelp.org/01/w2-f-traits.htm
Concluded...
Reduce any emotional, physical or environmental distractions you may have
now, recall why you're filling out this worksheet, and continue with
high-nurturance family traits 23-31...
Me/You
__ __ 23) All members - specially kids
- are encouraged to acknowledge and
their
physical and invisible
without impatience, shame, guilt, or anxiety. Members
are consistently comfortable with talking honestly about their losses; openly crying when
sad or joyous; sharing despair, when felt; and showing
(within appropriate limits)
at each other, other people, or "life."
Knowledgeable observers would say
the family lives by a coherent, healthy
__ __ 24) The adult
caregivers value
and actively
promote
in themselves, each other, and younger
members. Shared
and private spiritual and religious activities consistently yield warmth,
tolerance, hope,
compassion, courage, and closeness, vs.
anxiety, dread,
scorn, bigotry, elitism, and/or confusion.
__ __ 25) Family members
spontaneously express their
love and affection physically, within healthy sexual limits. Adult
sexuality is private, loving, and mutually enjoyed. The caregivers consistently and
sensitively guide kids to understand, accept, and appreciate their own
gender,
sensuality, and sexuality within age, family, and societal norms.
They do this without excessive
excitement, shame or guilt. All members usually feel comfortable enough
to
discuss sexual issues with each other.
__ __ 26) Family mates
prize and maintain their
and
personal
as individuals and as committed, loving
couples. They
(a) consistently rank their relationship
only to personal
and
and (b) try to
and enjoy time with the kids, with each other, with
relatives and friends, their
jobs,
and by themselves. Co-parents consistently take their
primary relationship and
co-parenting
as separate,
concerns - each warranting significant time, thought, integrity,
and commitment.
__ __ 27) All members typically
disclose most
mistakes, disappointments, and "failures" to each other without undue
or embarrassment
(public shame). Most mistakes are viewed as chances to learn,
rather than as personal flaws. Adults and kids can often laugh at themselves
appreciatively, vs. with excess guilt, shame, or embarrassment.
__ __ 28) All
family members are
generally positive
and optimistic: each usually feels that...
-
most people are basically good and trustworthy, and mean well;
-
life problems may
usually be resolved with time and patient, honest effort; and...
- it's usually OK to ask for help from others and a Higher
Power, without guilt, shame, or anxiety;
|
_
street ("hard") or prescription drugs
_
TV, sports, computers, or other hobby
_
real or media sex
_
_
fitness, exercise, and health
_
work, studying, or "busy-ness"
_
rage or another emotion
_
acquiring, spending, counting, gambling, investing, or saving money or other
assets |
_
food (e.g. sugar and fat) and/or eating
_ alcohol, and/or illegal drugs
_
caffeine and/or nicotine
_
conflict or excitement
_
God, worship, or spirituality
_
cleaning and neatness
_
power and control
_
"fairness," "justice," or
a social cause |
__ __ 30) The family
leader/s agree enough on a clear and consistent set of realistic
long-term
for the group, and willingly share
responsibility for seeking to achieve them, over time.
__ __ 31) Each
co-parent's own birthfamily
had most (e.g. over 20) of the characteristics above.
__ __ 32) (Add your
own trait)
__ __ 33) (Add your
own trait)
+ + +
Wound-assessment
Worksheet # 2 - "Scoring" and Options
Only a rare (or mythical?) family
or group would have all 31 of these traits all the time.
The more of these traits a
family or group has consistently, the higher it's
and
Conversely,
the fewer of these characteristics in a given family, classroom, church, or work group,
the lower the wholistic nurturance it
provides - i.e. the harder it is
for some or most members to get their psychological, intellectual, social,
and spiritual
met
well enough, often enough.
Low-nurturance families may be described as
because most members unconsciously or
secretly feel they're basically flawed, damaged, incompetent, worthless, or
"bad" people. Until devoted to personal
such people will usually
that
their family had few of these high-nurturance traits, though knowledgeable friends or
professionals would compassionately disagree.
If you rated your childhood birthfamily...
-
Note the specific
traits you checked, and decide whether
you promoted them in your marriage family, if any;
-
Consider discussing your conclusions with any siblings
and/or relatives
for added perspective;
-
Consider discussing these
traits with
your surviving childhood caregivers with thanks;
-
Reflect on and/or discuss with relevant others the effects
those items not checked have had on (a) you, (b) your choice of
primary
partner/s if any, and your (c) relationship and (d) parenting successes,
frustrations, and disappointments.
If
you rated your prior-marriage family...
-
Note all the
traits checked, and congratulate your
and your former mate!;
-
Consider discussing the worksheet with your
ex-mate and/or (older) children for their awareness, input, and mutual insights;
-
Use the results and
this worksheet to increase
your awareness of any significant unfinished divorce issues;
-
With these traits in mind,
review these worksheets on typical minor kids'
developmental and
adjustment needs - and note any insights about your or others' kids'
needs and behaviors; or...
-
Consider the likely effects on your child/ren
and descendents of those items not
checked, and discuss this with your "ex" or relevant others;
-
Use the latter as guidelines in setting current
co-parenting
and counseling goals to strengthen and heal your child/ren.
If you rated your present re/marriage or step/family...
-
Congratulate your
subselves, present partner, and grandparenting
adult/s on the traits you checked!;
-
Use those traits not checked as guidelines for revising family
or parenting behaviors, priorities, or therapy goals;
- Rate your and your partner's respective childhood families,
compare and contrast, and discuss patterns and implications.
If you rated your prior or present
mate's family...
Recall the premise here that typical wounded, unaware adults (i.e. their
dominant subselves) unconsciously tend to recreate their childhood-family's
nurturance level, despite conscious vows not to. If blanks outnumber checks (strengths)...
-
Reflect on
you
chose this partner,
-
Consider compassionately assessing you
and your partner for significant false-self wounds, and if you find
some, read and discuss this article; and...
-
Discuss this with knowledgeable and caring others, perhaps
including a
qualified
for added insight.
If you rated your work, church, school, or other group...
Substitute "group" for family, and "leader/s" for "caregivers,
parents, and adults" in the above items. Most traits apply fully to the nurturance level of any group of people important to you or another.
One option is to individually assess the
elementary and high schools you spent almost one third of your childhood days
in. Another option is to rate the influence of any church/es you attended as
a developing child. Their psychological and perhaps
spiritual influence
significantly shaped your personality subselves, specially if it
amplified the influence of your home/s!
See this
worksheet for more perspective.
+ + +
Option: regardless of whom you rated, go back over the worksheet and nonjudgmentally
about your specific thoughts, images, memories, and feelings as they ebb and flow, on each
item. Hold on to the attitude that there is no right or wrong here - only what’s
real.
Are You Often Controlled by a False
Self?
After
29 years’ clinical research, I believe that one of
for epidemic American divorce is one or
both mates being significantly controlled by a
This seems to result from growing up in a
family too low in emotional/spiritual nurturance. Few lay people and human-service
seem to be aware of this, so far.
I
know of no research that has investigated this idea, though many clinical
authors have studied and written about the widespread human trait of
multiplicity or dissociation. See, for example, Rowan
and Cooper, Schwartz,
Stone
and Stone,
and
Satir.
It's a scary subject for most wounded people, co-parents, grandparents, and
family-policy makers.
Do you feel anxious or guarded about showing certain people this
completed worksheet, and discussing it with them? If so, who? What’s
the risk?
How would the
minor and/or grown children in your
life, and any siblings, fill out this worksheet? How would your
parents?
Would someone you trust, who knows you and
the family or group you rated here well, agree with the way you filled
this worksheet out?
Is there
anyone else you’d like to fill out a copy
of this worksheet? Who? Why? Will you ask them to do so?
To estimate whether you or another is significantly
thoughtfully
fill out the other 11 Project-1
self-assessment checklists in this site.
The
number of checklists is meant to reduce the chance your diligent false self
will skew your answers and give you a false reading. If...
-
Your or their
birthfamily had few high-nurturance checks here, and...
-
You find that ~20 or more of the
false-self traits in checklist 1 seem to fit you, and/or that...
-
Many of the ancestral traits in
checklist
3 seem to fit well, and/or...
-
Few of the adjectives describing
high-nurturance group members' attitudes fit you and your family, and/or...
-
"A lot" of the symptoms for
excessive shame and guilt,
fear, dis/trust, reality
distortions, and
bonding disorders seem to fit you,
and/or...
-
You have many of these traits of
or other
(29 above); and...
-
You're repeatedly drawn to (a)
partners who have many of these characteristics, and (b) low-nurturance
work and social environments...
|
... then you’re probably
significantly
and dominated by a well-meaning
(vs. "crazy"), and you're
probably in protective
of this. This
also applies if you’re rating a past or present romantic
partner, or a parent. |
If you
conclude you
significantly wounded, you can markedly improve the quality of your life over time by
evolving and working a personal
(healing) program.
This is most likely after you have hit
- often in mid-life.
Psychological wounding is so
common in our country that most bookstores
now have specific sections devoted to "Adult-Child ("Grown Wounded
Child" here) Recov-ery."
The
guidebook for inner-wound discovery and recovery is "Who's
Really Running Your Life?" (xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd
ed.).
It integrates the key Project-1 Web articles and worksheets
here.
Consider using some version of these
31 factors as input to
making and using a
and co-parenting
for your
home and family.
+ + +
Now that I’ve done this worksheet, I
feel...
and I believe that as far as
psychological and spiritual
nurturance,
my birthfamily was (check one):
_ very low
nurturance / _ fairly low / _ neither
/ _ fairly high / _ very high
nurturance
and that this has had
_ very
growthful / _ very harmful / _ no significant effects on me as a
unique person / partner / parent.
Thoughts / Notes
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Updated
August 04, 2008
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