The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/3_stressors.htm
Continued...
Three Unseen Causes
My experience suggests these epidemic personal and social relationship
problems are promoted by...
-
one or more people being ruled by a
protective false self; and...
-
lay and professional ignorance (lack of
awareness and knowledge - specially of effective communication skills);
and...
-
little informed local or media help.
Let's look at each cause briefly...
1) Personality Subselves
and False-self Wounds
My clinical experience with over 1,000 typical Midwest therapy clients is that
normal people develop
composed of semi-independent
The traits and dynamics of these well-meaning subselves blend to determine a
person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in any situation.
Common social behaviors suggest that these subselves often
with each other, just like people do. Common evidence includes "inner debates;"
self-doubts; feeling "torn," ambivalent, and confused; "changing my
mind," and "seeing all sides of an issue." Have you
experienced these?
|
Because our troubled society currently needs to
the pervasive [wounds + unawareness]
and normal personality subselves, average
co-parents and most family
don't (want to) see how subselves constantly promote their personal,
family, work, and social discomforts. |
A universal sign of normal
personality
subselves
is often experiencing internal values and loyalty conflicts and
Persecutor-Victim-rescuer
triangles.
For example, a well-intentioned
(the Persecutor) can scathingly blame the
true Self (Victim) for failing
to protect one or more vulnerable
and a
subself (like the
or
can try to "rescue" the Self by deflecting the criticism, rationalizing,
and/or providing short-term comfort via compulsive activity, and/or
ingesting comfort-chemicals like sugar and fat.
Ideally, courting co-parents like Mark and Sue will become
of
their internal and mutual stressors, and help each other resolve them as partners,
not opponents. The moral is:
acknowledge and resolve inner conflicts and triangles before tackling your
home and family stressors.
|
Odds for
reducing these three inner stressors rise significantly if adults are
by their true
Selves and practice the seven relationship (communication)
together - as mutually-respectful partners, not combatants.
|
For more perspective on normal personality subselves and
and
related psychological
review this slide presentation and/or this
article, this
Q&A series, and this real example of
subselves affecting a typical marriage and stepfamily.
If you're skeptical about normal people (like you) often being
governed by a
of narrow-minded, protective subselves, read this
letter to you, and then try this safe,
interesting exercise. Then return here.
Typical values and loyalty conflicts and related triangles are also caused
by...
2) Unawareness and
Ignorance (Lack of Knowledge)
Our blessed American freedom of choice and ceaseless warp-speed media
stimulations and daily options has a major price tag:
most Westerners are so busy and
over-stimulated that they (you?) rarely choose to become aware of
inside and around them. Our inherited Protestant work ethic and
pioneer drive to survive, prosper, and be busy don't promote valuing
personal awareness as, say, ancient Oriental cultures do.
A vital implication is that few average Western adults (like you) and
kids want to slow down, breathe, and become aware of what's happening
inside them in the ceaseless hubbub of daily life. Do you agree?
Would your parents agree?
To identify and reduce these three relationship stressors, people must
want to be aware of their rich mix of present and chronic thoughts,
feelings, senses, and needs and what causes them. They also need to
learn, and adapt to widespread lay and professional
ignorance (lack of accurate knowledge) about...
-
normal personality subselves and related
(Project
here); and...
-
effective
and
basics and
(Project
here); and...
-
human
and high-nurturance
and families; and ignorance of...
-
normal stepfamily
facts, myths, and
realities (Projects
and
here), and...
-
the three stressors in this article, their
common effects, and what to do about them.
And
if persons or couples are courageous (or weary) enough to seek help with
these inner and mutual stressors, they're apt to discover a...
3) Lack of Informed Local
and Media Help
This is
so because (I suspect) few human-service schools or agencies currently integrate these five
related topics into their curriculums and programs so far. One way to
validate this premise for yourself is to ask any counselor, therapist,
life-coach, clergyperson, mediator, or family-life educator you know if they
were trained in each of these topics. Before you do, you need to know
what each topic means - do you yet?
Another way to validate the premise is to search the Web on each topic (e.g.
"personality subselves," "false self," "fuzzy thinking," "stepfamily myths
and realities," and "high-nurturance families," and see what you find.
Another option is to ask the teachers in your kids' school/s if students are
taught when and how to use the seven effective-communication skills outlined
in this Web site. Compare their answer with how your childhood teachers
would have replied...
+ + +
Back away from the details now, and recall why you're reading this. The
simplified example above of the three stressors is based on my clinical work with hundreds of real-life courting, cohabiting,
and re/married couples like Sue and Mark and the members of their family.
I estimate that under 5% of my clients and students could define each of
these stressors, how they relate to each other, what causes them, and what to do about
them.
I suspect you've never seen the ideas in this article before, individually
or together. Get an initial sense of how your subselves are reacting to the
ideas by getting undistracted, and thoughtfully taking this...
Status Check
Reflect on each of these
items honestly: T = "true," F = "false, and "?" = "I'm not
sure." Don't answer "True" unless you agree with each part of the item
without ambivalence. Option - read each item out loud before
answering.
1)
I (a) accept the reality of
normal personality subselves, and (b) I can clearly describe the
difference between my true Self
and a false self to an average
teenager. (T
F ?) If you answer "F," expect little practical benefit
from this divorce-prevention Web site.
2)
I'm sure my true Self is
my
right now. (T F ?) If not, expect
convincing, distorted answers here.
3)
I can now clearly describe...
-
(a) each of the three stressors summarized
in this article, and (b) how they relate to each other;
-
their typical (a) personal and (b) family
effects,
-
each of the stressors' three root causes, and...
-
an effective strategy to manage each of
the stressors. (T F ?)
4)
I'm steadily motivated now to follow the links in this article with an
open mind, so I can learn our family's options for avoiding,
identifying and managing each of these stressors effectively. (T
F ?)
5) Starting
with my mate and ex-mate (if any), the other adults in my current family
are clearly (a) guided by their true Selves most of the time, and (b)
are each genuinely open to learning about these three stressors, their
effects, what causes them, and what to do about them together. (T
F ?)
6) I fully
accept that in non-emergencies, when viable compromises can't be found
co-parenting mates need to want to rank their
above of their kids' current needs and wishes to protect all family
members and descendents long-term against possible re/divorce
trauma. (T F ?)
7)
I am genuinely (vs. dutifully)
motivated to learn and use the effective-communication
basics and
outlined in
of this non-profit Web site and its related
guidebook. (T F ?)
Since effective thinking and communication are the most potent tool you
have to fill your daily interpersonal needs, answering "F" or "?" to this
suggests you're controlled by a well-meaning false self.
8) If
I'm in a courting or committed stepfamily - or may be - I'm genuinely
motivated now to (a) learn stepfamily facts,
myths,
realities, and
and to (b) discuss them honestly with important others in my life.
(T F ?)
Options
Once you're aware of these internal (personal) and family stressors, you
can...
-
yourself for false-self dominance and wounds, if you haven't
already; and decide if you want to commit to personal
now or "later;"
-
Read this
introduction to "parts work." Then
rough-draft your inner family
of subselves, and identify the ones who are most active in shaping
your life recently and long-term;
-
Study this intro
to effective-communication basics, and begin experimenting with the
seven skills - alone or with one or more motivated partners;
-
Whether you follow any of the above options
or not, you can ignore, discount, or reject these three stressors as irrelevant
to you and your family; or...
-
Admit that one or more of these stressors is significantly affecting the life of someone important to
you - and do nothing; or you can...
-
Read more about
values conflicts, loyalty conflicts,
and PVR triangles, and options for
avoiding and resolving them - and do nothing; or...
-
Learn more about each stressor and use your
growing knowledge of subselves and communication skills to start
evolving useful strategies to avoid or reduce any or all of the
stressors at home, work, or elsewhere - alone, or with one or more
partners. And another option is to...
-
Commit with other family caregivers to teach
your dependent kids about each of these stressors, and discuss how they
affect your family and what you all might do about that together;
-
Whether you follow other options here or
not, read this series on effective child
discipline, and discuss and apply relevant ideas in it with your fellow co-parents and
older kids;
-
Call a family meeting to discuss any of
these concepts and options as you feel are relevant to you all now;
-
Share these ideas (and a copy of relevant
articles?) in a support-group you participate in;
-
Discuss these ideas in an adult-education
planning meeting in your church community, and/or in a human-development
seminar where you work, and discuss possible options; and/or...
-
Do something else...
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are your ruling subselves
about these ideas and options now? Do you know how to
who's guiding them now?
Recap
This article outlines three
universal relationship stressors that may be significantly
affecting your relationships: values conflicts, loyalty (priority) conflicts, and
Persecutor - Victim - Rescuer (PVR) relationship triangles. It defines and
illustrates each of them with a courting couple based on
hundreds of real-life stepfamilies. The article links to more detailed
articles on each stressor which add perspective and specific options for
avoiding and reducing them.
The bad news - most family adults
and family professionals are unaware of these interactive stressors and what to
do about them. This promotes (a) our unremarked U.S. divorce
epidemic and
(b) passing the [wounds + ignorance]
to the next generation and
relentlessly weakening our society.
The good news
- once aware of (a) the causes and (b) symptoms of these interrelated stressors,
(c) what they mean, and (d) options for resolving them, co-parents
can protect themselves and their descendents from them. They can also go the
"extra mile" and proactively help to inform
other families and professionals in their locale, region, or country.
Education and awareness are the key!
From my clinical experience with hundreds of average families since 1981, this article proposes what causes all three conflicts:
a mix of false-self wounds +
adult unawareness and ignorance + lack of effective local and
media help. It also illustrates how typical groups of personality subselves can
experience exactly the same stressors.
Key
protections against all three stressors are co-parents and supporters...
-
honestly for, and committing to
significant false-self (psychological)
-
learning
stepfamily and effective-communication
basics and
and...
-
explaining these concepts to other family
members and supporters, and intentionally developing a shared vocabulary to help you all
discuss the stressors as they occur.
The
article closes with a status check and a summary of action-options available
to you.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you
needed? If not - what
you need now?
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