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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/7cx-skills.htm

        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-1 and Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so turn please off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

        Links below lead to more detail on, and illustrations of, each skill. Learning these skills and modeling and teaching them to other family members is a foundation for progress on all 11 other projects.

Perspective

        Communication occurs when the perceived behavior of one person causes a mental, spiritual, emotional, and/or physical reaction in another person. It's the instinctual behavior living things learn to use to reduce current discomforts (fill current needs) with other living things. Effective communication is about filling needs. People who want to learn (a) communication basics and (b) how to think, communicate, and problem-solve effectively are more successful at...

• consistently filling their own and other peoples' current needs well enough, and...

• building high-nurturance relationships and groups (like families), and...

• raising self-confident, independent, wholistically-healthy children.

Paradoxically, few people in our culture study communication basics or teach them to their kids. Try this quiz to see if you know the basics.

        One of two main reasons for personal and interpersonal stress is ignorance of how to communicate effectively. The other reason is unseen psychological wounds which make effective communication difficult or impossible, even with relevant knowledge.

        Typical troubled homes, families, and relationships - specially divorcing families and stepfamilies - are riddled with concurrent conflicts over...

Premises

Effective (vs. good, or open and honest) communication happens when each person involved feels s/he...

• got their current primary needs met well enough, 

• in a way that feels good enough to them - e.g. respectfully, honestly, and directly.

Any self-motivated adult guided by their true Self can...

• learn communication basics,

• grow fluency in seven effective-communication skills, and...

• model and teach them to their kids.

        Before reading further, see if you can name the seven skills out loud. If you can't (which is common), you're probably not using them or modeling and teaching them to any kids in your life...

Seven Essential Relationship Skills

        Each of these learnable skills builds on the prior ones, so the order counts...

• inner, environmental, and communication-process awareness

• digging down below surface needs to discern current primary needs

• clear vs. fuzzy, unfocused thinking

• empathic listening - "hearing with your heart"

• metatalk - talking cooperatively about communicating

• effective assertion, and...

• win-win problem-solving.

        Were you ever taught these skills as a child? Were the adults who raised you? Are your kids learning them? How many average adults do you think could name and describe each of these skills now? Click the bold links below for more detail on each one.

SKILL 1)  Awareness

        This foundation skill is learning to become conscious of what's happening now...

• inside me,

• inside you (empathy),

• between us, and...

• around us.

        Professional communicators and counselors seek awareness of over 40 factors in these four zones. Other adults and kids can benefit significantly by learning to notice under 10 factors in important social situations. Unlike older cultures living closer to nature, our warp-speed, over-stimulating society  discourages learning to practice and appreciate this priceless ability.

        Use this foundation skill (a) in any important social situation, and (b) with your team of subselves  (internal awareness) when you have significant stresses. This skill is a requisite for all six other skills.

SKILL 2)  Dig Down...

        ...below surface problems (unmet needs) to identify each partner's current primary needs. Use this skill with awareness in significant internal and interpersonal conflicts and crises. Mastery of this essential relationship ability depends on living from your true Self + steady four-zone awareness + knowledge of core personal, relationship, spiritual, and communication needs. Awareness and the results of digging down are inputs to metatalk, assertion, and problem-solving skills

SKILL 3)  Clear (vs. Fuzzy) Thinking

        This essential talent combines three factors. In important situations...

stay aware of and focused on current (vs. past or future) primary needs until all communication partners feel they got their needs met well enough; and...

intentionally build and use a vocabulary to describe your current awarenesses; and...

intentionally avoid...

vague and ambivalent terms like this, that, it, they, them, those people, stuff, this whole thing, deal with, cope with, work through, get past it, take care of, handle, everyone, sort of, pretty soon, sometime, trouble, this problem, this issue, always, never, etc.; and...

"hand-grenade" (emotionally provocative) terms like rape, stupid, weak, abuse, insensitive, dumb, childish, immature, wimp, fag, nigger, kike, fairy, bully, selfish, fault, liar, control freak, homo, loser, winner, failure, asshole, bitch, bastard, etc.

        This skill requires wanting to be conscious (aware) of your and other people's thinking in important situations and over time. Use awareness and this skill in (a) significant internal conflicts and stress, and (b) all significant relationships and social situations.

SKILL 4) Empathic Listening

        As Dr. Stephen Covey says, learn to "listen with your heart" (vs. your head). Empathy is being able to sense accurately and objectively what another person is feeling, thinking, and needing now, without losing your awareness and boundaries. Communication effectiveness soars when each person wants to listen empathically - knowing that this does not necessarily mean they agree with their partner/s. 

        This vital skill has also been called reflective and active listening and mirroring, since the listener intentionally "reflects back" brief, nonjudgmental impressions of what the speaker is saying and feeling, from time to time.

        Popular alternatives to empathic listening include lecturing, interrupting, monologing, moralizing, advising, preaching, threatening, blaming, ignoring, tuning out, withdrawing, explaining, interrogating, and changing the subject. See any favorites? These and other blocks always hinder effective communication!

        Intentionally grow the habit of using awareness and this essential relationship skill in all important social and subself interactions!

       Recall - we're reviewing seven essential effective-communication skills anyone can learn to practice.

SKILL 5)  Respectful Assertion...

       ...is identifying and calmly stating what you believe and/or need from another person in a way they can hear you clearly. Alternatives are submission (sacrificing your needs, values, and perhaps integrity to please another person) and aggression (forcing your needs on another person, regardless of their current needs.) Three kinds of assertion are preventive, confrontive, and "dodge-proof" praise.

        Effective assertion requires...

• your true Self to lead your other subselves (personality), and...

• present-moment clarity on your personal rights and primary needs, and...

• a genuine mutually-respectful (=/=) attitude and stable two-person awareness bubble; and...

• fluency in (at least) the four skills above.

Do you have these priceless treasures yet? Did your childhood caregivers? Do your children?

SKILL 6) Metatalk

        Meta-thinking is thinking about thinking. Meta-dancing is dancing about dancing. Meta-writing is writing about writing. Meta-talking is talking cooperatively about how you're communicating (your process), vs. what you're talking about (your content). Growing this skill involves using awareness and evolving a vocabulary of communication-process terms to identify and resolve local and repeated communication blocks.

        Examples: flooding, interrupting, interjecting, eye contact, assuming, double messages, defocusing, feedback, venting, distracting, bipolar (black-white) thinking, "I-messages",   R(espect)-messages, E(motion)-levels, communication needs, primary needs, second-order change, fuzzy thinking, assuming (mind reading), and mind-racing.

        Prerequisites for effective metatalk include:

• your true Self leading your other subselves,

• knowledge of communication basics,

• a genuine mutual-respect (=/=) attitude and a stable two-person awareness bubble; and...

• awareness, clear thinking, and empathic listening skills.

        Use awareness and this skill when you need to identify and resolve a significant communication problem among subselves and/or people. Exchanging respectful "meta-comments" is the second step (after awareness) in using all seven skills to resolve communication problems. Review these phrases to get a sense of metatalk in action.

SKILL 7)  Win-win Problem-solving (Conflict Resolution)

. All people have fluctuating needs - i.e. emotional, physical, and spiritual discomforts. Implication: being "needy" is normal and healthy, not weak or bad! Problems are unfilled needs. "Problem solving" means "filling current needs well enough."  This powerful relationship skill uses all six other skills to...

• identify each person's current primary and communication needs, and...

• creatively brainstorm acceptable need-filling compromises, as...

• mutually-respectful (=/=) teammates, vs. adversaries or competitors.

        Consistent success at this learnable skill requires Self-leadership + patience + a genuine mutual-respect attitude + comfortable acceptance of mutual personal rights + a stable two-person awareness bubble + fluency with all six other skills.

        Common alternatives to win-win problem-solving are fighting or arguing, withdrawing, manipulating,   postponing, defocusing, blaming, "giving up," getting sick, threatening, explaining, defending, whining, numbing or spacing out, and/or playing "hot potato" ("You fill my needs < > "No, you fill mine").

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - have you ever seen these seven powerful relationship skills in one place before? Do you know anyone who uses all seven skills consistently and effectively? Can you imagined what would change in our society if all kids were taught to use these skills?

Status Check

        See how you feel about what you just read: T = "true;" F = "false," and ? = "I'm not sure, it depends on..., or (something else)."

1)  (a) I'm very clear on when my Self (capital "S") guides my other subselves, and (b) s/he's leading them right now. (T  F  ?)

2)  I can clearly describe the two factors required for communication effectiveness.  (T  F  ?)

3)  I agree that communicating effectively is essential for getting my personal and social needs met every day (T  F  ?)

4)  I now communicate effectively enough in (a) calm and (b) conflictual situations with the people who mean the most to me (T  F  ?)

5)  I can now clearly describe (a) each of the seven communication skills in this summary and (b) when to best-use each of them, to an average teenager; or I'm strongly motivate to learn and use the skills now (T  F  ?)

6)  I can clearly describe (a) what family Project 2 in this Web site is, and why it's vital in all families and organizations; and (b) I'm committed to working on it patiently at least several times a week now (T  F  ?)

7)  I (a) understand and (b) agree that "thinking" is really communication among my talented team of personality subselves, so (c) I agree that these seven skills are useful within me as well as with other people. (T  F  ?)

8)  I'm motivated to (a) model and teach the young people in my life about these seven skills now, and to (b) coach and affirm them as they learn to use the skills in their own way.
(T  F  ?)

9)  I'm (a) clear on why I read this article, and (b) I got enough of what I needed. (T  F  ?)

        If you can't spontaneously describe these seven skills to another person, you're probably not using them. That means you're probably used to filling your daily primary needs far less often than you could! It also means you're not modeling and teaching the skills to the children in your life...

 Recap

        This article builds on the premises that (a) all living things have needs (discomforts), and (b)  communicating internally and socially is an instinctual way living things (like you) try get their needs met with each other.

        The article exists because few average lay and clinical people seem to know what they need to know to communicate effectively. It offers perspective on and a summary of, seven essential communication (relationship) skills that any motivated adult or older child can learn to use in order to fill their daily needs much more effectively - and to help others do the same.

+ + +

Next: see the Project-2 links and reading list for more practical resources for upgrading the communication effectiveness among your subselves and with the key adults and kids in your life.

Options...

• take this communication-skill quiz,

• learn how to map (diagram) a communication sequence,

• study these common communication blocks, tips, and useful phrases; and...

• about giving others effective feedback; and/or...

• learn from these examples of lose-lose and win-win talk between a typical couple,

• fill out this inventory of your communication strengths, and/or...

• mail-order this guidebook, which integrates the key Project-2 articles in this nonprofit site.

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get enough of what you needed? If so, what do you need to do now? If not - what do you need?

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