Continued from page 1...
If you (i.e. your
decides to pay attention to the communication A(wareness)-bubbles
in important interactions with kids and other adults, what can you do when you
and a partner don't share 'two-person" bubbles? Your options vary
with kids and adults. Start with these...
Prerequisites
The vital first step is to (1) commit to
your true Self (capital "S") to guide your
(personality) in calm
and stressful times.
in this nonprofit Web site offers a proven framework of practical options
called
to achieve this over time.
If you
a
childhood and are used to being controlled by a well-meaning
you're much less apt to succeed at (2) committing to learn and practice the
effective-communication basics and skills in
over many months. You'll need fluency in these and a steady attitude of genuine
with all other people to benefit from A-bubbles.
The foundation skill to develop is
communication
- learning to notice objectively what's going on
inside each current partner, and between you -
The companion skill to evolve is
- learning a special vocabulary to
accurately describe the communication dynamics you observe. You were probably
never taught these at home, school, or church - partly because your parents and
teachers weren't either.
The third necessary skill is
to discern what you and each current communication partner
now. The common alternative is unconsciously focusing only on current
surface needs, and accepting frequent disappointment, frustration and
conflict as inevitable and "normal."
As you become habitually aware of (a) your communication dynamics - including
A-bubbles - and (b) what you and your partner each need now, you can use the
powerful skills of
and
to negotiate filling your respective needs - as partners.
If you develop conflicts as you
negotiate, use these five skills plus
and win-win
to fill everyone's main needs well enough - and feel good about how you did
that!
When your Self is usually in charge and you've gained fluency with these
skills, you're ready to use A-bubbles to improve communication outcomes. Two
ways to do this are learning to improve your awareness, and then learn
how to alert adults and old-enough kids to their bubbles. Lets look at each of
these briefly.
1)
Grow Your Awareness
Your goal is to learn to maintain
a steady two-person bubble in
important situations, regardless of your partner's bubble. Personal and
environmental emergencies are exceptions.
Begin to notice which of the four types of bubble you normally
create at home, work or school, and socializing), and with which
people. Some people are easier to maintain two-person bubbles with than others.
Is that your experience?
If there someone you usually find it easy to keep a two-person bubble with,
study why that is, and how it feels. You probably feel...
-
consistently safe with
and
-
respected by this person, and...
-
expect no unpleasant surprises, so...
-
your true Self guides you as you relate with
your partner.
Two-person
bubbles are most common when your Self is trusted by other subselves to guide
them. Does that seem credible to you? By the way - if you're curious or
skeptical about the idea of normal personalities being composed of talented
subselves, read this memo, and try this safe,
interesting exercise.
Option - describe this
bubble-concept to the person, and ask which bubble-type/s you usually seem to
have with her or him. You can give the reverse feedback, if the person wants to
know...
Typical people communicate with
one-person or non-person bubbles in important situations because...
-
they've never learned the concept of awareness
bubbles, and why or how to manage theirs; and...
-
they're unaware of being
governed by a protective
who distracts them from two-way awareness - usually because of excessive
and/or
Accepting the ideas in this article eliminates the first reason, so any
from steady
mutual
awareness must come from one or more of your subselves who distrusts
your true Self. Implication - to maintain more two-person bubbles, (a) identify
any "defocusing"
subselves and (b) negotiate having them trust your
to
cause safe, desirable communication
The proven
framework for effective inner negotiations is called
in this Web site.
Once you've defined your "bubble baseline" with key people and freed
your Self to guide you, you can decide if and how you want to
improve your bubbles, and with whom.
Before continuing, pause and notice your stance now: (a) I want to try to improve
my A-bubbles in important situations now, or (b) I'm not really motivated to do that now.
Is your Self
this or "someone else"?
You just read options for keeping more of your own two-person bubbles. Now let's
explore options with adults and kids who don't maintain stable
two-person bubbles with you and/or other people. Do you need a stretch break
before learning about them?
Encourage Other Adults' Awareness
As you become skilled at maintaining your Self in charge
and stable two-person bubbles, coach yourself to notice kids' and other adults'
bubbles in important situations and relationships. Expand your skill to decide
if, when, and how to (a) offer respectful "bubble"
feedback and/or (b) assert your needs
when people aren't keeping a stable two-person bubble.
Begin by deciding whether your communication partner seems to be locally or
chronically guided by her or his true Self. If not, consider alerting him or her
to that first, rather than focusing on A-bubbles. For options, see
this.
If the person's Self seems to be in charge
and s/he doesn't know about bubbles...
-
ask if s/he's willing to learn a useful communication tool and use it
with you now. If s/he says "No,"
then honor that (vs. arguing, pleading, demanding, lecturing, etc),
and consider using a respectful
assertion, like...
"(Name), I'm getting
frustrated as we talk because it feels like you're mainly focused on
yourself (or something else), and you're not aware of me. I need to feel
that you want to (vs. have to) include my thoughts, feelings and needs
as we talk." or...
"(Name), I'm getting
distracted. I'm unclear what you need from me as we talk now."; or...
"(Name), when you don't
pause occasionally and give me eye contact and a chance to comment, I
feel you're talking at me, not with me - and my mind starts to wander /
I start feeling hurt, resentful, and frustrated / I feel like leaving /
(etc.)."
-
If the other person is
open to learning, then explain and illustrate the four-bubble concept in
your own way, and confirm that s/he understands the idea well
enough. Then ask if s/he's open to some useful
feedback on your joint communication process.
If you get "OK, then make comfortable eye contact and say something like...
"(Name), I'm describing
A-bubbles because as we've been talking (now or usually), I've noticed
you usually use a one-person (and/or non-person) bubble. That makes me
feel increasingly ignored and frustrated, which makes it hard to listen
well to you. Are you open to...
-
talking about this now?" or...
-
me alerting you (verbally or with an
agreed-on hand-signal) when you're not using a two-person bubble
with me?" or...
-
my interrupting you if I need to tell
you what I need?" or...
-
another option of your choice.
An attitude of genuine
and the skills of
and
are useful here if the other person gives you an ambivalent response or "resists"
choosing a two-person bubble with you in important situations. If s/he continues to choose one-person or non-person bubbles, assume s/he's
unaware of being controlled by a false self, and review your
Motivating kids and teens to be aware of A-bubbles depends partly on their age
and your relationship with them. It merits some special strategies...
Encourage Kids' Awareness
Typical kids have short attention-spans and limited vocabularies. Their wise,
true Self is undeveloped, and they're often more receptive to using images and
stories to learn than adults. An effective way to teach a child about bubbles is
using what you know (or suspect) s/he's interested in, like a special person,
hero/ine, pet, or a story or media character.
One way to start to ask if they can describe a time when someone (including
yourself!) lectured or "talked on and on" without asking their reaction. Another
option is to ask the child if s/he can describe a time when s/he saw two other
important people doing that. The goal
here is to have the child remember how it feels to be ignored by a
self-focused person. Then invite the child to describe a
time when s/he felt genuinely noticed, valued, and included by another person.
Decide if it's appropriate to describe and illustrate "eye contact" in an
age-appropriate way. Show where eyes usually look when the person (a)
notices and (b) ignores their partner. Option: ask "Can you say where my eyes
have been pointing / focused / aimed / looking at in the last one minute? Do you
know where your eyes have been looking?" Have some fun with this teaching
exercise!
If the youngster isn't fluent with feeling words, illustrate and name key
emotions - e.g. try drawing simple cartoon faces to illustrate sad,
hurt, confused, and angry. Search the Web for "drawing cartoon faces"
or similar for resources and ideas.
Once the child can empathize with feeling ignored and included, then (a) talk
about "awareness" and (b) (probably draw) the four kids of A-bubbles ["Here's a
picture of you (with a one-person bubble) just thinking about Marty, and another
of you thinking about you."] Be sure to include the ignored person these
sketches, and consider asking "How do you think s/he feels now?"
Once you've outlined the bubble idea and connected it to feeling noticed or
ignored, then consider a few practices with each kind of bubble, perhaps
switching roles as you do.
Option - you may now teach the child how to respectfully alert someone
else about their one-person or non-person bubbles, and to assert for what they
need (to feel included, noticed, and respected). If the child has a friend or
relative who often ignores him or her, do some role plays together about how the
child can alert the other person and handle any defensiveness or irritation.
Most first-graders can master the ideas of
and learn the
language of respectful
with patient coaching and practice -
priceless life-long
skills!
The larger goal is to teach kids (a) self and mutual respect, (b)
their and others' rights as unique, worthy, persons regardless of
their age, color, and gender; and (c) effective communication skills in calm and
stressful situations. Family
here shows how to do this.
Recap
This article illustrates four common "awareness bubbles" that can help to avoid
or reduce significant communication problems. The rationale for this concept is the
universal need to feel noticed and respected in most social interactions.
Typical adults and kids aren't trained to be aware of dynamics inside
themselves, in other people, and with other people, so...
-
keep your resident true Self in charge of your
personality (Project 1),
-
grow your own awareness of A-bubble dynamics and
effects, and...
-
learn to respectfully invite other
adults and kids to grow their awareness.
The article proposes ways to do this
with adults and kids who aren't using two-person bubbles in important
situations. Learning to do this is part
of
skill, which aims to improve communication
for everyone.
Pause and reflect - did you get what you needed from reading this
article? If so, what do you need to do now? If not, what
you need?
Also see...
+ + +
