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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/assert-practice.htm

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        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-1 and Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        To get the most from reading this, study this two-page overview of assertion skill first. Option - print it for reference. Then print this practice and give a copy to a partner who shares your interest in building communication effectiveness. Reserve at least 30" of undistracted time to do this exercise together.

        Bring materials for note-taking. If your partner isn't familiar with the concepts of inner family (personality subselves), true Self and false self, R(espect) messages, and empathic listening, brief them on these. Option: invite your partner to take this self-assessment quiz, and then study this slide presentation or article summarizing communication basics.

        I suggest reading this practice through together before trying it.

Resources:

• This example of a Bill of Personal Rights - the basis of effective assertions;

• This article on the power of positive esteem by Nathaniel Branden;

• These premises about relationship "problems";

• This article on giving effective feedback to another person, and these examples of making respectful meta-comments;

• This perspective on the psychological wounds of excessive shame, guilts, and fears, which often hinder effective assertion;

• This overview of three common relationship stressors which can hinder effective communication;

• This overview of how to "map" a typical communication sequence with a partner to raise your awareness of your dynamics and outcomes; and...

• These tips for effective communication, and these common communication blocks.

  Prepare: Define What You Need

        Each of you pick something you want a real communication partner to understand or change - something that significantly hurts, angers, and/or frustrates you. Don't pick a major issue that enrages you or usually starts a huge argument. If you can't define a real issue to practice asserting on, use one of the examples below or make one up.

Clarify your definition of effective assertion - e.g. (a) each person gets their current needs met well enough (in their judgment), (b) in a way that preserves or improves (c) their self and mutual respects and (d) their relationship.

        1)  Define what you need from the other person, and draft your assertive statement. Caution - beware of self-defeating "Be spontaneous!" paradox - i.e. expecting, requesting, or demanding something from another which by it's nature can only be given spontaneously - like love, trust, respect, interest, caring, awareness, empathy, or tolerance. If you're unclear on whether your need may be one of these, see this review of core human needs, and this explanation of how to "dig down" to uncover your primary (vs. surface) needs. 

 "I need you to...

 

        2a)  Briefly and clearly, identify your real communication-partner's probable response/s (resistances) to this assertion (below) or to your being assertive in general. Examples: changing the subject (to what?) / attacking you (how?) / becoming silent / withdrawing emotionally or physically / excusing or explaining why s/he can't or won't comply / arguing / discount your need or opinion / etc.

        If you aren't sure here, review these common blockers for inspiration, or make up some resistances you'd like to practice responding assertively to.

        2b)  Write an empathic-listening response you'd use to acknowledge each of their main resistances to your assertion ("So you think / feel / want / need... etc.")

• Partner’s first resistance to your assertion:

 

 

Your empathic-listening response:

 

 

• Partner’s second resistance:

 

 

Your empathic-listening response:

 

 

• Partner’s third resistance:

 

 

Your empathic-listening response:

 

 

3)  Use your assertion statement and these resistances and responses to guide you in the following reciprocal practice. 

Practice Asserting Your Needs

        Decide with your partner who will assert first. Help each other assume the objective, curious "mind of a student,” and recall that “mistakes” help to grow your awareness and communication skills. “Progress, not Perfection!” 

1) Asserter:

• Do a Self check: sense whether your true Self is guiding your other personality subselves now - or if not, sense who is controlling you. If you're practiced at working with your subselves, try the "step-aside" or unblending techniques to free your Self to lead.

• Brief your partner on your communication situation, and the specific "resistances" (above) that you'd like them to role-play in the practice, or ask them to improvise. Your partner’s job is to help you assert by resisting realistically, not to “beat” you.

• Focus on your specific needs with your real-life partner, and get some internal "steam" up...

• Do a respect-check: Do I feel my real-life partner's needs and dignity are equal to mine (=/=) now? If not – why? How do I expect him or her to react to my attitude?

• Hold comfortable eye contact with your practice partner, assert briefly and clearly what you need -  and expect resistance.

2)  Partner: give a “resistance” with some appropriate energy!

3)  Asserter:

• Using empathic listening, summarize your (practice) partner's response without judgment. Be quiet and attentive - watch for a nod / "uh-huh" / "yes" etc. Listen empathically again if needed, until you get that. Then re-assert, briefly and clearly, and expect more resistance.

• Repeat this cycle through two or three resistances, and then stop.

4)  Partner: give the asserter brief feedback on…

The R(espect) message you got from them (=/=, 1-up, or 1-down);

Whether you felt genuinely heard (not agreed with) by the asserter after your “resistances,"

What emotions you felt during the experience,

Anything you specifically liked about the asserter's approach, and...

Anything you feel might help them assert more effectively.

5)  Switch roles and repeat these steps. Take your time!

6)  Debrief, and describe what you each noticed as your practice unfolded. Allow for the fact that you were role-playing, so some artificiality is inevitable. Possible discussion points:

• Who was running the asserter's inner family (personality) – their (true) Self or someone else?

• What R(espect)-messages did each of you experience – 1-up, 1-down, or =/= (mutual respect)?

• What did you notice about each person's E(motion)-levels (below or above the ears)? Did it go up or down during the practice? If so - why?

• What was the asserter's self-talk (thought streams) as s/he (a) asserted, and (b) experienced "resistance." These are subselves "talking."

• How did you each feel about the empathic listening responses - were they respectful? Effective? (Did the "resistor's" E-level come down a little?)

• How did this process compare with the real-life sequence of assertion and resistances?

• What was the outcome of the assertion sequence - did both people get their main primary needs met?

_ assertion successful // _ negotiation begun // _ something else.

Keys to effective assertions: (a) with your true Self guiding you, (b) dig down to identify your current primary needs and validate them; (c) expect your partner to "resist" without blaming them, and when s/he does, (d) respond with respectful empathic listening. Then (e) calmly and firmly re-assert, and expect the next resistance. Watch for your partner's genuine compliance with your need, or a chance to problem-solve together.

Sample Assertions and Responses (Resistances)

• "I need you to hang up your (clothes / towel / robe), instead of dropping them on the floor, where they get in my way." (Resistances: "It's too much trouble" / "I just forget" / "Well, you're no neatnik yourself!" / "I'm always in such a rush...")

• "When you commit to meet me at a certain time, I need you to be on time or to let me know if you'll be late." (Resistances: "I forget" / "I have a different standard" / "You're always so uptight" / "Well, you're always late paying the bills"...)

• "I need you to not smoke when: (we're in the car with the windows up / I'm eating / we're about to go to bed...). It really distracts me." (Resistances: "This never bothered you before" / I'll do that if you stop snoring" / "You're always trying to control me" / "Sure, sure"...)

        Other high-energy topics: worship / time together / parenting / relatives / special events / money / wills / sex / jobs / chores / home maintenance  / socializing / health / trips /...

        Repeat this practice periodically with different partners and problems. Note your option to practice with the real person you want to assert to - including kids!

Thoughts / Learnings …

 

 

  Resource: this unique Project-2 guidebook on effective communication skills:

Next - browse the Project-2 link index for more ways to improve your communication outcomes...
 

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Updated  25 June 2008