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	Effective Assertion Skill - p. 1 of 2 Say what you feel and need in a way that others can hear you: 8 Steps By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/assert.htm

  Contents

        This article exists because many adults and most kids aren't able to assert their needs and opinions effectively. Asserting well is a learnable skill, based on some key attitudes. This two-page article covers...

• a place to rate yourself as an effective asserter,

• perspective on assertiveness, including a definition of effective assertion, and four types of assertion; 

• an outline of eight steps for preparing and delivering effective assertions,

• an overview of three-part "I"-message assertions;

• how to assert "dodge-proof" praise; and...

• a status check on how you stand with the ideas in this article.

        To get the most from what follows, study these slide presentations on communication basics and effective problem-solving first. If you don't think you need to, try this quiz. If the slides don't display properly, see this.

Rate Yourself

        Say your definition of "effective assertion" out loud. Imagine trying to explain it to an average teen. Then rate yourself as an asserter recently: on a scale of 1 (I never get my needs met) to 10 (I always get my needs met, while respecting others' rights and needs)...

• In calm situations with the people who mean the most to me, I'm usually a __

• In conflicts with the people who mean the most to me, I'm usually a __

• With the people I work with, I'm usually a  __

• With I'm upset and need to assert to myself, I'm usually a __ 

Would other people who know you pretty well agree with your ratings? Who is rating you here - your true Self or "someone else"?

Perspective

        See how your beliefs compare to these premises about assertion...

Effective assertion is the art of (a) saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly, and (b) you all feeling respected enough when you finish. This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other's needs come before yours and possibly violating your integrity), and aggression - forcing your needs on another person. Both are lose-lose options.

Requisites

        To assert effectively (satisfy your and others' current needs), adults and kids need to...

• be guided by their true Self; and...

• be clear and firm on their personal rights as dignified, worthy persons; and...

• believe that their rights, needs, opinions, and dignity (self-respect) are just as valid and important as anyone else's, regardless of age, power, role, or gender; and asserters need to...

• become fluent in the communication skills of awareness, clear thinking, digging down, metatalk, and empathic listening.

        Pause and reflect on your reactions to what you just read.  Do you regularly meet these four conditions when asserting with other people? Would people who know you pretty well agree?

Types of Assertion

        There are four types of assertion:

Self-nurturing - stating your perceptions, feelings, and opinions about something (venting) to preserve your self respect. The goal here is to feel satisfied that you've tried your best to have the other person hear you clearly, vs. agree to some action.

Preventive - the assertion goal here is to get the other person to commit to actions now to avoid a probable future conflict;

Reactive assertion aims to have the other person acknowledge (a) a change you need from them, and/or to acknowledge (b) limits (boundaries) you set with them about some unacceptable behavior/s'; and...

"Dodge proof" Praise - affirming or appreciating someone in a way they can't easily disregard, as most shame-based (wounded) people do. This can be fun! More detail on this kind of assertion on page 2.

        In each situation you can assert spontaneously or intentionally (with forethought and perhaps practice). With practice, asserting effectively becomes automatic.

Four Keys

        To assert effectively, you (or anyone) need to...

• have your true Self guide your other personality subselves;

• choose several key attitudes (below);

• get very clear on what you really need from the other person/s; and...

• handle expected resistance with...

  • respectful empathic listening and...

  • firm re-assertion,

   until you feel heard or shift into problem-solving.

        To make what follows more real, think of a child or adult whose behavior causes you significant current discomfort now. Imagine doing each of the following steps toward asserting what you need from her or him...

  Eight Steps To Effective Assertion

        The following assertion options may be useful in any situation. Your true Self (capital "S") is the best judge of whether each option is necessary. The more you do these, the more automatic they'll become:

Prepare

Step 1)  Consciously choose to assert - i.e. to follow steps like these; until the skill becomes automatic. The common alternative is being unaware of what you need and what you're doing, which risks being submissive (1-down) or aggressive (1-up). Both are lose-lose attitudes.

Step 2)  Use awareness to get clear on...

• who's guiding your personality now - your Self or other subselves,

• what you feel, and why - your emotions point to current needs, and...

• specifically what you need from your communication partner/s now.

     Options:

Check yourself for fuzzy thinking, including for vague pronouns and "hand-grenade" (emotionally-provocative) words or phrases;

Recall the difference between surface needs (e.g. "I need the checkbook to be balanced") and underlying primary needs ("I need to lower my anxiety about having our phone turned off again.") If you get what you're asserting for, will it satisfy your primary needs? Use awareness and dig-down skills to answer this.

When you assert, stay aware of your current awareness bubble. Does it include you and your communication partner/s (a "two-person bubble"), or just you?

Review these common communication blocks before important assertions. Are there any you want to be alert for with this communication partner?

Remind yourself of the difference between a need conflict ("When you commit to an arrival time, I need you to be prompt."), and a values conflict. In the latter, guard against asserting for something that your partner can't (vs. won't) give you ("I want you to stop this vegetarian fetish."); and...

Clarify whether you're making a request or a demand, and be alert for self-defeating "Be spontaneous!" paradoxes.  

Use these wise guidelines in important situations; and...

Review the ways you can deliver your assertion: (a) in person, over the phone, or in writing, and (b) alone, or with other key people present. Each has pros and cons. Which is best in this situation?

Step 3)  Make four quick attitude checks on how you honestly feel about …

Your partner's needs. If you believe "they are as legitimate and important as mine now" (=/=), go ahead. If not, lower your expectations about the outcome of your assertion, or explore what's blocking a mutual-respect attitude. Often, it's a well-meaning false self controlling you.

Asking for what you need. If you feel solidly "I have the right to say or ask for this," go ahead. If you’re thinking something like: "I'm really being selfish / pushy / greedy / a pain /..." (inner attitude: "I'm 1-down"), lower your assertion-outcome expectations. And check...

Your ability to handle your partner's reactions to your assertion, like anger, rejection, hurt, defensiveness, attack...). If you feel confident enough, assert. If not, work toward reducing your fear and self doubt. Practicing assertion helps build confidence! Finally, before you assert, identify...

Your expectations about the outcome. If you solidly feel...

• "We both can get our main needs met here, and...

• we both will probably feel OK about it,"

then assert your needs and/or opinions. If the subselves ruling your personality believe "This assertion won't work" - it probably won't. As your fluency with the seven communication skills grows, your effectiveness will rise and these key attitudes will become more automatic.

        Recall - we're reviewing eight steps (options) for asserting your needs and opinions effectively, in four kinds of situations. We just reviewed three preparation steps. Now you're ready to...

Assert

Step 4)

• Reduce any significant environmental, emotional, or bodily distractions,

• define what outcome you want from asserting, and then...

• assert your needs simply, clearly, and directly, and...

• one at a time, with respectful eye contact.

The more words you use, the greater the chance for confusion and distraction. One or two sentences is often enough, if you're really clear on what you need. Options:

If you're asserting a boundary (personal limit) - e.g. "I need you to stop leaving your wet towel on the bathroom floor." be clear on what specific action you'll take if the other person chooses to ignore (disrespect) your boundary ("If you 'forget,' I'll drop the towel on your pillow as a reminder.")

Watch your pronouns!  If you state your needs as "You need to ___...", you risk being perceived as arrogantly dictating what the other person must do, feel, or believe. Remember how you felt the last time someone did that to you?

        A safer choice is taking responsibility for your need or opinion: "I need you to..."  

Step 5) Expect resistance from your partner, without judgment. It's a normal human response, not weakness, defensiveness, cowardice, bad, or wrong! This expectation and attitude are essential for successful assertions! Do you agree?

Step 6)  Let your partner finish responding to your assertion (unless s/he's too long-winded). Then use respectful empathic listening until your partner's E(motion)-level drops "below their ears."

        If you start to blame, debate, disagree, or over-justify your needs after your partner responds, a false-self probably controls you. Breathe, free your Self (capital "S"), and stay focused on requesting or demanding what you need now from your partner. Expect more resistance, without blame!

       When you feel the other person can hear you, then…

Step 7)  Repeat steps 4 - 6 as needed: re-state your need/s clearly, firmly, and directly, using respectful empathic listening and steady eye contact with each new resistance, until you…

get (a) a clear, credible agreement, (b) an acceptable compromise or refusal, or (c) new information that justifies switching from assertion to mutual problem-solving; or…

you run out of time. In important assertions, plan lots of undistracted time!

Step 8)  Note the outcome of your assertion. If you and your partner/s each got your primary needs (including enough respect) met well enough, thank them and appreciate yourself! If someone didn't get key needs met well enough, use awareness, metatalk, and empathic listening skills cooperatively to discover would work better the next time. Maintain the nonjudgmental, curious "mind of a student," and consider adopting the motto:

"Progress, not perfection"...

       Breath and reflect... what's your self-talk now? (e.g. "This is silly"; or "I could never do these steps"; or "Too academic - unreal and phony"; or "Hmm - maybe I could experiment with these steps. What's the risk?"...)

       Do you feel these eight effective-assertion steps really could work for you? Could you assert in key situations and leave any of these options out? If you don't normally do some version of these steps to meet your needs with other people, what do you do? Do you usually satisfy your primary needs? What's in the way of your trying these steps?

Continue with an overview of "I" messages, and a final Status Check on you as an asserter.

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Updated August 25, 2008