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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/aware-practice.htm

        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (rela-tionship) skills  that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving personal and social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. Clicking a link below will open an informational pop-up or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        Our warp-speed, hyper-stimulating culture discourages developing personal awareness of the vital worlds within and around us. Once aware of this unawareness and motivated to reduce it, people (like you) can intentionally grow more aware.

        Part of this is growth is intentionally becoming more aware of the communication dynamics and outcomes within and around you. This foundation ability underlies all six related communication skills.

        Learning the seven skills and modeling and teaching them to kids and kin is the second of 12 Projects typical adults need progress on to grow a high-nurturance relationships and families. The alternative is unawareness - one of five relationship hazards.

Communication Awareness Practice

        Tailor and use this exercise periodically to expand your communication awarenesses. Pick a partner who shares your interest in growing communication effectiveness. Minimize distractions, and set aside 20” - 30” or so. Adopt the unbiased, questioning mind of a student, and let go of any need to criticize or blame anyone – starting with you. Reading about communication awareness will do little for you. Trying it can do a lot!

      To get the most from this exercise, both of you read and discuss these first:

• Communication overview - definitions, basics, and skills;

• Overview of communication awareness;

• Ideas on giving effective feedback,

• Overviews of personality subselves, and true and false selves, and...

• This general awareness exercise. 

• Option - from one (I'm usually unaware of what's going on in and around me) to ten (I'm consistently very aware) rank yourself in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

• Option - try this dig-down practice before or after this exercise, and discuss it with your pazrtner.

 Then…

        2) Find an undistracting space together with enough privacy. Sit facing each other comfortably. Bring a copy of this exercise and some writing materials.

        3) Each of you recall a recent important conversation with someone else - at home, work, or other - that you're willing to share with your exercise partner. Pick a conversation between you and one other where you feel that the energy and/or outcome was "significant."

        4) Decide who will talk first. The speaker's job is to be themselves, and describe their communication incident naturally, in about 5". The listener's job is to observe the speaker non-judgmentally, like a reporter, using a copy of this worksheet to record impressions about their partner's communication process. Minimize or avoid questions and comments. Each of you notice nonjudgmentally how you feel as the practice unfolds.

        5) After ~ 5", wrap up. Listener, go back over the incident with the speaker, and help them clearly answer the eight awareness questions below. Aim to be a researcher and facilitator, not a healer. You don't need to be right here. The goal here is to help each other notice the processes in and between you – i.e. to grow your communication awarenesses.

        6) When you both feel done enough, reverse roles and repeat these steps. Take about 15 minutes or more for each half.

        7) If you have time, assess these seven focus areas in the debriefing process you've just shared together. Again: this is not about right-wrong (blaming) or competition - It's about getting main communication needs met in a way that feels good enough to both of you. Note and discuss special learnings you want to remember from this experience.

Eight Basic Awarenesses

• Key - who was probably in charge of each person's personality - true Self or "someone else"?

• What did each of you need in this situation, and did your communication needs mesh or clash?

• What main R(espect)-messages did each person get from their partner during this exchange?

• Was each person's E(motion)-level "above or below their ears" during the exchange?

• Did either person in the situation seem to send or receive double messages?

• Was either communication partner in this situation significantly distracted?

• Were both people able to maintain a two-person awareness bubble during the exchange?

• Did both people feel they got their main needs met "well enough" in a way that felt "good enough"?

        More detail on each of these...

Awareness 1) - Who was probably in charge of each person's personality – their true Self, or a false self? When your other subselves steadily trust your resident Self (capital "S") to guide them, you'll usually feel some mix of clear, sure, serene, calm, alive, awake, aware, focused, resilient, grounded, light, "up," strong, confident, purposeful, balanced, alert, centered, and compassionate:

        If distrustful subselves is (a false self) are in charge, you feel some mix of the reverse of those – anxious, unclear, upset, unsure, “heavy,” cloudy, hesitant, defensive, unfocused, distracted, frustrated, impatient, wary, numb, confused, sarcastic, "down," apathetic, and so on.

        Notice what it feels like to mull who led your respective inner families. This is a vital awareness to attain in all important solo and social situations. Have you ever heard of it before? Do your kids and key others know about it? When false selves dominate, thinking and communicating effectiveness plummet.

Awareness 2) - Communication needs: Why was each of you communicating in that situation? Which of these did you each need?

_ To keep or build respect (usually always present), plus…

_ To give or get information (vs. emotions); and/or…

_ To cause action (what?________________), and/or to feel potent  or powerful; and/or...

_ To vent (be heard, understood, and accepted); and/or…

_ To cause excitement (end boredom), or distract from something; and/or…

_ To avoid discomfort. like awkward silence, or a painful awareness, conflict, and/or confrontation.

• Did your communication needs match well enough? By whose standards? If not - what did each person do about this mismatch - e.g. deny it, ignore it, joke, intellectualize, argue, manipulate, whine, discuss, act,...?

 

        Option: if you practice-partners are both aware of the difference between surface and primary needs, note and discuss whether the people in the speaker’s situation (a) could have benefited from "digging down" to identify their primary needs; and if so, whether they (b) identified them, and (c) acted to fill them or not.

Awareness 3) - R(espect)-Messages: What main R-message/s do you sense that each partner got from the other person during this exchange:

• “I’m 1-up (superior),"

• “I’m 1-down (inferior)," or...

• “I see our needs and dignity as co-equal here (=/=)?”

Were the R-messages received the same ones that were sent? Were these partners aware of their R-messages?

Awareness 4) - E(motion)-Levels, and the communication skills used: How would you judge the E-levels of each partner over the span of your exchange:

• “Above the ears” (distracted, and can't hear the other person well),

• “Below the ears” (probably can hear them), or…

• Variable?

        With their combination of E-levels, which of the seven communication skills do you think each partner should have used to get their main communication needs met? What skills did they use?

 

 

        Did anyone's E-level rise or fall during the exchange? If so, How did the other person react – i.e. did they shift to empathic listening, or do something else?

 

 

        Were these communication partners aware of their E-levels and how to use them?

 

Awareness 5) - Channels and double messages: Did either of the people in the situation seem to send or receive double messages - e.g. did their words say "Yes," while tone, face, hands, body, or other non-verbals said "Maybe" or "No"? If so, who said what? Frequent and/or major double messages usually indicate a false self is in control.

 

 

Awareness 6) - Distractions and focusing: How likely is it that either communication partner in this situation was significantly distracted...

_ Internally (physical discomfort, inner conflicts, worry) and/or... 

_ externally (noise, lights, motion... )? 

        If so, how did the partners seem to handle these distractions? (e.g. denied or ignored them, reduced them, talked about them, argued about them…)

 

 

        If either person had an agenda (topic / focus), do you feel both partners focused on it or them, or did they get off track and lose their focuses? If so, did either of them notice that?

 

 

Awareness 7) - bubbles: were both people able to maintain a two-person awareness bubble during their  exchange?

        In all communications, each person's dominant subselves unconsciously maintain one or more awareness zones, or "bubbles":

• me or you now (a one-person bubble),

• me and you now (a two-person bubble), or...

• neither of these (a 'no-person') bubble.

Only paired two-person bubbles allow exchanging genuine empathy and full mutual awarenesses, which are essential for effective communication. In the target situation, which of these options did each partner seem to maintain?

Person "A" -

Person "B" -

Do you think each of them were aware of their respective bubbles? _ yes  _ no  _ don't know
 

Awareness 8) - Communication outcomes: Was this effective (vs. "open and honest") communication?

• Did both people get their respective communication needs met enough (in their opinion)?  If not, why?

 

 

• Did they both feel OK enough about (a) themselves, (b) their partner, and (c) the communication process they co-created? If not, why?

 

 

Options

• When you both feel done with changing roles, discuss how this exercise process felt to you two, and what you’re aware of.

• Apply these same eight questions to the exercise you’re sharing. Notice your “self-talk” (inner thought-streams and feelings) about this.

• User this exercise by yourself to assess an important or troublesome communication experience you had recently – inside you or with another person.

• use these summaries of common communication process-factors,  blocks and useful tips to expand the scope of this awareness practice.

• try these related skill practices: empathic listening, digging down, assertion, metatalk, and problem-solving.

Notes / thoughts / learnings …

     

 

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Updated June 02, 2008