Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Four Ways to Improve Your Communication Outcomes By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

• home > site overview > site map or directory or search > Q&A, Project-2 links, Solutions article, or other page > here

The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/checklist.htm

        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relation-ship) skills  that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-1 and Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        This article summarizes four factors that can interfere with effective problem-solving internally and socially. Helping each other learn to use the skills of awareness and metatalk will help you spot and reduce these factors together. The factors are...

• Unawareness or denial of false-self (psychological) wounds;

• Lack of knowledge about relationships, communication, grieving, and stepfamily basics;

• Lack of awareness of toxic attitudes, focus, and timing factors; and...

• Lack of motivation.

        Links below lead to more detail on individual factors in these groups. This checklist of common communication problem-solving problems is representative, not complete! It complements other Project-2 resources: (a) an inventory of your communication strengths and "bad habits," (b) a set of helpful verbal "tools," (c) a checklist of common communication blocks, and (d) collections of tips and useful phrases.

Communication problems in typical low-nurturance relationships and groups begin with unaware-ness or denial of two to six psychological wounds. Project 1 in this nonprofit Web site is devoted to practical ways to assess for these wounds and reduce them over time...

        The effects of these wounds are amplified by lacks of knowledge, awareness, and motivation to learn and change.

Lack of Knowledge

        "Ignorance" is lack of factual knowledge, not stupidity. Even skilled communicators get ineffective results if they lack accurate information on these basic family and social topics:

traits of high-nurturance families and organizations, and how to assess them how and when to judge whether a person's true Self is guiding them, and what to do if s/he's not. the  four types of conflict, and where they occur (internally and interpersonally). the difference between first-order (super-ficial) and second-order (core attitude) changes, and how to make the latter. (a) the three levels of healthy grief and their phases, and (b) how to assess incomplete grief, and what to do about it; effective communication basics and skills

how to assess communication sequences and patterns to spot and reduce problems the four groups of ingredients of a healthy relationship the difference between surface and primary needs, and how to discern the latter. the traits and symptoms of the four kinds of addiction, and what to do about them how to avoid or resolve three common relationship stressors key stepfamily concepts like identity, norms, membership: myths, realities, mergers, tasks, roles, and developmental stages.

        Once people study these topics, the knowledge may still not benefit their communication because of...

Lack of Awareness

        Aware means consciousness. For example, you're probably aware that you're sitting, upright, and reading - and unaware of your breathing, heartbeat, and ongoing "self talk." Our amazing minds  automatically block selected information from conscious awareness to protect against emotional and mental overload.

        Paradoxically, anyone can learn to become aware of (some of) their unawareness via choosing to meditate. To problem-solve effectively, grow your awareness of...

• your body and inner-family dynamics,

• where you're focused,

• your key attitudes, and...

• key time factors.

Let's look at each of these briefly...

A) Unawareness of Your Inner Dynamics

    2)  You're unaware that you have major internal conflicts among your subselves (symptoms: confusion, uncertainty, self doubt, ambivalence, feeling "torn"). Until your Self spots these and resolves them, they often cause confusing and stressful double messages (“I love you, you're stupid”). If habitual, those breed confusion, anxiety, and distrust in your communication partners.

    3)  You're unaware of your current primary needs. This is different than not focusing on them.

    4)  You're unaware that you have a serious stepfamily identity, loyalty (priority), or inclusion (membership) conflict, or that you're part of a divisive relationship triangles. If you don’t understand or acknowledge these, true win-win conflict resolutions are unlikely, and long-range risk of re/divorce rises.

    5)  You're unaware you communication partners are using one or more of these 30 communication blocks. Doing this is often a strong symptom of false-self wounds.

    6)  You're unaware of (a) why you're communicating now, and (b) whether your communication needs match or conflict. If you are aware, you may not yet know how to resolve such a conflict together.

        If you're truly dedicated to raising your communication awareness here are 46 things you can focus on inside and between you and current partners (!) Most people need fewer than ten of these except in major crises.

        Another factor that can hinder your family problem solving is...

B) Unawareness of Focus Problems

    7)  When one or both of you partners are "upset," (your subselves are rioting), you two aren't aware you're not focused on solving one problem at a time. This typically happens when mates (or adults and kids) argue or fight. These are always lose-lose, and are not problem solving.

    8)  Focusing on a person (i.e. attacking, blaming) and/or on winning (persuading, explaining, or pro-claiming “I’m right!”), vs. focusing together on filling mutual primary needs. A high need to win or be right usually means that a shame-based false self is in control.

    9)  Focusing on surface vs. primary needs. Awareness here sounds like "So what's underneath your frustration with my son's school problems - what do you need?"

    10)  Chronically focusing on the past or the future, not on filling current needs. The skills of awareness and metatalk can resolve this if neither partner is psychologically wounded.

    11)  One or both of you aren't aware of who's needs you're focused on now. Interruptions are a common symptom of this. 

C) Unawareness of Toxic Attitudes

        Recall that unawareness manifests as denial. If either of you are unaware of one or more of these, yellow re/marital light!

12)  You deny or minimize that you’re feeling "1-up" (my needs come first) or “1-down” (yours do) now. This is probably the most common, deadly conflict-resolution blocker.

    13)  “It’s bad or wrong for spouses (or anyone in our family) to disagree, argue, or fight!” No, it’s normal, healthy, and inevitable - even if your parents or minister “never fought.”

    14)  “Someone has to be blamed here - and it’s not me.” A guaranteed lose-lose attitude, usually held by a dominant shame-based false self.

    15)  “You must change - not me!” This attitude implies “I’m 1-up!” - a lose-lose attitude, long-term.

    16)  “I must win here!” Variations: “Compromising means losing!”, “Backing down is weak,” and  “If you don't like it, leave!”) Such black/white “I’m 1-up” attitudes promote lose-lose long term re/marital outcomes.

        More toxic attitudes to be aware of...

    17)  “There are only two choices here.” This is black/white, false-self thinking. There are probably a dozen or more options to your dilemma, if you two brainstorm as teammates!

    18)  Habitual rigid pessimism or idealism, vs. realistic (cautious) optimism. If you expect things to not work - they often won’t. Chronic worry, doubt, and catastrophizing suggest significant psychological wounds.

    19)  "We are not a stepfamily!" or "A (our) family is just a (bio)family." If one or your family adults provides part-time or full-time caregiving for the minor or grown child of their mate - you are a stepfamily. That means these five factors can combine to cause you all heartache, frustration, and potential re/divorce trauma. It also means these 12 safeguard Projects are a way to avoid this and get the potential rewards that every stepfamily has.

    20) "My (and/or your) co-parenting ex mate does not belong in our stepfamily!" Wishful thinking. Believing this usually guarantees weary years of stepfamily uproar, re/marital stress, and significant emotional wounding of your kids from being caught in the middle.

    21)  "Stepparents must take major (or little) responsibility for their stepkids' growth, health, and happiness." They may elect to do the former, after several years of living together. If a stepparent steadily believes and acts on either of these, their re/marriage will very likely corrode. Achieving a comfortable-to-all balance of co-parental responsibility over years of experimenting is the best goal here (Project 10). 

        See this for more stressful attitudes and beliefs. 

        In addition to raising your awareness of inner dynamics, focuses, and toxic attitudes, family adults  can improve their problem-solving outcomes by reducing any...

D) Unawareness of Time or Timing Factors

    22)  Co-parents not making enough time for joint problem solving (or intimacy) together, or blaming other things for preventing this. This is usually a symptom of a low re/marriage priority, which points to deeper problems like ineffective communication and denied false-self wounds.

    23)  Partners' enduring (or choosing) distracted time together. If either of you is significantly distracted emotionally, spiritually, or physically, your conflict-resolution quality will suffer. This is really a combined (unawareness and focus) problem. Option: in important situations, help each other build the habit of asking each of you "Am I or you distracted right now? If so, what would reduce that?" 

    24)  Agreeing to habitually postpone innerpersonal and interpersonal confrontation and conflict resolution. This often-unconscious procrastination strategy is usually a surface symptom of one or both co-parents' internal conflict. It implies some personality subselves feel “I don’t experience conflict as safe enough, or trust that I/we can resolve our conflicts well.” It also implies a false self governs their personality.

        The most pervasive unawareness is...

     25)  Family adults denying denials like these, and/or denying that their unawarenesses are significantly corroding your innerpersonal and interpersonal communication effectiveness. Personal recovery and awareness and metatalk skills, can greatly improve these over time.

        You've just reviewed an array of common knowledge and awareness factors which can corrode or prevent effective communication and problem solving in your key relationships. What if you know them, and are aware of them - and still have significant "problems"? A third area to explore is possible...

Lack of Motivation

    26)  One or more family adults aren’t motivated to do co-parent Project 1 - assess whether you or a related co-parent has significant false-self wounds, and reduce any you find. If one or both of you mates are unaware of being often controlled by a false self, trying to improve factors like these probably won’t work well, or at all. Until well healed, these wounds promote disrespect, distrust, and reality distortions which can overwhelm the best of communication skills and intentions. 

    27)  One or more family mates aren’t really motivated to rank your relationship consistently second in personal priorities, below your personal wholistic health and integrities. For example, one of you may c/overtly resent that your mate ranks their child’s (or ex mate’s) needs above yours too often. This usually promotes innerpersonal and interpersonal values and loyalty conflicts, and stressful relationship triangles.

     28)  One or both partners aren’t consistently motivated to build and keep an “=/=” (mutual respect) attitude - i.e. a “We’re partners, vs. opponents” mindset. Though you may deny it, you argue and/or fight to satisfy your own needs, rather than problem-solve cooperatively to fill your respective primary needs. Honest motivation to build an "=/=" attitude may uncover a shame-based false self (unconsciously feeling "I'm 1-down to you.") Self-motivated recovery can heal this over time.

     29)  One or both mates aren’t motivated to help each other learn and use the seven communication skills - i.e. you’re not strongly motivated to do co-parent Project 2 together over time.