The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/dig-down.htm
This is the third of four Web pages illustrating a common
block to resolving relationship
problems
(unfilled needs). The block is unawareness of (a) the vital
difference between surface "problems" and the underlying
(discomforts) that cause
them, and (b) how to "dig down" to discern current primary needs. Once
aware of this block, people (you) can reduce it and teach kids and
interested others how to avoid
it!
The first page
(a) outlines six premises about
family "problems," and
(b) illustrates four levels of awareness with a typical
family
The second page illustrates
digging down below surface needs with co-parent conflicts over a "hostile ex
mate," and "money." This page (a) proposes a theme in all three examples
and probably in your life, and (b) offers tips to help you dig down
effectively.
The Common Problem-solving
Pattern
There are common themes to these examples which
probably occur in the way your family members try to resolve personal and
mutual "problems" (unfilled needs). They include...
1) Partners aren't
of...
often being dominated by a
and...
the difference between surface needs
and primary needs; and...
what they and the others
and...
their communication
and...
these unawarenesses; so...
They focus endlessly on
their surface conflicts, just as their
childhood caregivers and mentors probably did; and...
2) Each
partner
blames and
resents one or more other people for their problems
(unmet needs), instead of (a) digging down to learn what they
really need, and (b) taking responsibility for filling theirs. Their
deepest (level 4) needs are to...
-
their
to lead their
(personalities),
-
help other adults and kids do the same,
without
taking responsibility for the other adults; and partners need
to...
-
become skilled at effective
internal and interpersonal
- i.e.
at discerning and filling primary needs;
Other common facets of how typical adults try to problem-solve are...
3) They argue, fight, explain,
deny, debate, blame, defocus, or withdraw, rather than digging
down and
doing win-win problem-solving together as
mutually-respectful partners.
Each adult is unaware of how their well-meaning false selves keep them
focused on surface conflicts; and...
4) People's' false
selves use other adults and kids as weapons, messengers, pawns, or supporters
in the adults' surface battles. One family result: dependent kids are growing up in a
environment of caregiver mistrust,
disrespect, guilt, frustration, repression, and anger. That promotes developing their
own false-self wounds a day at a time. No one is aware this is happening;
and...
5) Most
(all?) family
members and supporters are unaware of these communication themes and
what to do about them. This significantly hampers their ability to problem-solve effectively
together, so
accumulates as their primary needs go unfilled. This
is probably a major reason for our U.S. divorce
epidemic, "troubled kids," and other major personal and social
problems.
Does this outline make sense to you? If so,
how can you and your communication partners avoid trying fruitlessly to
solve surface
problems, like endlessly clipping off weed-tops vs. pulling out their
roots. Enduring this risks gradual erosion of your marital harmony and
family
and unintentionally
your dependent kids.
If you choose to try out this powerful communication skill, here are some
suggestions to raise your success rate.
Tips for
"Digging Down" Effectively
Scan all of these options, and imagine trying them out. Then note your
reaction. If it's interest, enthusiasm, and commitment, your true Self is
probably guiding you. If not, "someone else" may be controlling your
thoughts and decisions...
1) The
biggest blocks to effective
communication are false-self wounds and ignorance of
communication basics and
Committing
to work at patiently
and
will reduce both
blocks, over time. Are you committed to that yet? Are your other family
adults?
2)
Accept
that being alive means constantly having needs (discomforts).
Being needy is
not a weakness, it's human! Not
your needs is
and usually
indicates a disabled true Self. Not noticing or respecting other people's needs
equally (including kids) is
inherently disrespectful, and a relationship stressor. Do
your ruling subselves usually have a
attitude about you and the
other key people in your life now?
3) Try
out this belief about your relationship and family-role
stressors:
When we have a "problem"
(unmet needs), you and I need to help each other dig
down below surface problems to identify our respective
Then
we adults need to accept
responsibility for filling our own needs - with help, at times. Some
personal disabilities and crises are exceptions.
The great challenge to living
from this belief is taking full responsibility for your own comfort. When
the going gets tough, typical
protective false selves seek to put this responsibility on other
people.
4) Edit the primary needs suggested
here and evolve your own list.
Stay aware that in every situation, your and other people's
primary needs come from your dominant
Tip 5) Apply this four-level hierarchy of problem-perceptions to
help dig-down with any significant conflict among your subselves or with
kids or other adults:
Level 1: surface problems:
blame someone else (e.g. a child, a parent,
a partner, an ex
mate, a lawyer,...) for your current problem/s - i.e.
-
expect
them to care about and want to fill your surface needs. Then...
-
focus on the other person's failings and your surface "problems,"
and...
-
ignore
you're trying to solve your problems.
Occasionally or often, take responsibility for filling the needs of
other adults you love
vs.
encouraging them to take responsibility for themselves and helping and
affirming them as they do;
Level 2: blame
yourself and other people for
causing your problems. Deny that a well-meaning false self
governs your personality, and that a core primary need is to empower
your true Self to lead and harmonize your
other subselves.
Level 3:
work to keep your Self
consistently
of your other subselves over time, and
take full responsibility for filling your own daily needs.
View "problems" and "conflicts" as being
unfilled primary needs among your and other people's subselves.
In important situations, dig down below surface needs to
discern what you and any partners really need, and help each
other brainstorm as teammates to fill your respective primary needs well
enough. Encourage people you care about to do the same. Help each other
keep your true Selves in charge as the environment ceaselessly changes
and causes you all new needs (discomforts).
Level 4: Assume you
have primary needs that even effective digging down will not identify -
i.e. assume you don't know what you need to know for fully satisfying
relationships and some problem-solutions.
Study these
foundation concepts,
and Q&A items at your own pace, with the
unbiased curiosity of a self-motivated student. They'll guide you
toward discerning and filling your level-4
needs.
Tip 6) Distinguish first-order (superficial) from second-order (core attitude)
as you
identify and fill your and any partners' primary needs. Help each other accept that
first-order changes are clever false-self attempts to change without
risking real changing. E.g. a
"new diet" is usually a first-order change. Wanting to (a) eat less fat, salt, sugar, and bulk and more fruits and vegetables,
and (b) exercise regularly, is a second-order attitude change.
7)
Practice identifying your expectations about other people and yourself (as
far as their filling your current needs.) Often,
interpersonal problems are rise from unrealistic expectations
of other people or ourselves - e.g. I expect myself to
love my
disrespectful stepchild, and I expect her (him) and my partner to love me and
appreciate the sacrifices I make as a stepparent."
Typical co-parents
who deny (a) their
and (b) what that
are at high risk of
living from unrealistic expectations without
knowing it. Co-parent
and
provide an effective
way to gain realistic stepfamily expectations and alert other family
members and supporters to them.
Tip 8)
Evolve an authentic Bill of Personal Rights for yourself, and use it to
assert and problem-solve when your Self is in charge. If
other people can't or won't help you fill your needs,
patiently build
your skills at
empathic
and respectful
and
(b) heed these wise
without undue guilt, shame, resentment, or anxiety. You may not be able to
do that until your Self (capital "S") consistently
your personality See
9) When
you're conflicted, experiment with this technique: once your
is "below your ears" and you can listen,
ask yourself and/or
your conflict partner
"What do you need right now?"
Trust the first response to that, and ask or say...
-
"OK, why do you need
that?" or ask...
-
"And you need that now in order to...?" or
-
"If you don't
get that need filled, what (bad thing) might happen?" and...
-
"If that (bad thing)
happened, what would that mean to you?"
Repeat this sequence nonjudgmentally with each answer that appears. Expect some
anxiety and confusion. When people first try digging down,
they often reach a point where the answer is "I don't know (what I need
or feel)." Practicing breath-awareness, meditation, and listening
to your
usually improves that.
For example...
Myra says to Manuel:
"Do you have early Alzheimer's? How many times do I have to ask you to
tell me if you withdraw ATM cash from our bank account?"
This is a Level-1
surface problem: Myra (i.e. her
subself) sees Manuel as "the problem." Normal reactions: Manny
explains, defends, asks for examples (then explains) argues, whines, plays
"Yes, but...", and counterattacks ("Well how about you
remembering where you leave the car keys, Bright Eyes?")
Same problem, with digging down:
Manuel
(sincerely, vs. sarcastically) - "Why do you need me to do that?"
Myra
- "So I can balance our checkbook and stay on top of our money."
Manny
(digging down) - "And why do you need to do
that?"
Myra
- "Because I get frustrated if the checkbook doesn't balance, and I
don't like not knowing how much money we have."
Manny
- "OK, Why do you need to know how much money we have?" (Here's where
it gets interesting)
Myra
- "Duh - because... because if I don't, we could get into
trouble."
Manny
(respectfully) - "What kind of trouble are you worried about?"
Myra
- "You know, Manny - not being able to pay our bills." (more fuzzy
thinking)
Manny
(patiently) - "Stay with me,
Myra - what do you feel might happen if we don't pay our bills?"
Myra
(probably her Sarcastic Teen subself) - "Oh, minor stuff like our home and car being
dispossessed, and our credit rating disappearing."
Manny
(still sincerely) - "And if those happened, what would it mean to you?"
Myra -
"We couldn't live, Manny! (I'm afraid) we'd be homeless street people, and the kids
would
starve in rags...!" Level-3
needs unearthed:
some of Myra's subselves
are scared, and her Self and
subselves need to
acknowledge and reduce their
fears. This is (part of) her primary problem. Another part is that
neither she nor Manny have built the habit of digging down like this, so far.
If Manny and Myra knew the subselves who comprised their respective
personalities, they could agree
that Myra's primary (Level 4) needs here were filling
an
terror
of being homeless and starving, so...
her
subself wouldn't have to
generate semi-conscious images of doom and death, so...
her protective
and Harpy
subselves wouldn't activate and start making sarcastic inner and vocal
judgments about Manny's "Alzheimer-ness" - so...
her true Self
could
and do effective problem solving with Manuel's Self
- if present.
There's more to this than the example shows. For instance,
another core
need Myra has is to feel respected (worthy) by
herself and
her
husband If
he ignores ("forgets") her need to know of his cash withdrawals,
some of her subselves feel disrespected, and lose respect for him. The disrespect activates various
other subselves like her
and
That risks other subselves disabling
with) her true Self and behaving
"impulsively," like name-calling, sarcasm, ignoring Manny's needs, or
withholding sex as a "motivator."
This and the couple not knowing communication
basics and
seven related
lowers the odds
that each of them will fill their
primary needs. Over time, this relentlessly degrades their
relationship and their family's nurturance level.
For more perspective on how your and other people's subselves
interact, read this interesting excerpt by
Michael Ventura, and
Embracing
Each Other, by Hal Stone and Sidra Winkleman-Stone. All the
articles in Family
are about how to
meet and harmonize your subselves under the wise guidance of your expert
Self. Family
offers many Web articles on communication basics
and skills to help
your harmonizing and filling primary relationship and other needs effectively.
Tip 10) Help each other expand and use some new
problem-solving terms and phrases. In addition to learning the metatalk
vocabulary-builders,
experiment with these together...
-
"What do you need from
me now?" (then use empathic listening to see if you heard
clearly!)
-
"What I need
from you now is..."
-
"I'm not clear on what
you need form me now."
-
"So you need me
to..."
-
"I'm not sure
that you understand what I need from you now."
-
"Who do you feel is
responsible for filling that need (of yours)?"
-
"That feels like a surface
need to me. Let's do some digging."
-
"I think we're
focusing on surface problems and needs. Will you (I need you to) help me dig down to
Level 3?"
-
"Whoa!
I sense that you and I are on different (perception) levels. Let's
to see if our
true Selves are
OK?"
-
"Which of
your
needs to feel heard
(or whatever) now?"
-
"I feel like we're struggling here.
Let's see if your communication needs and mine
OK? What do you need from me as we're talking right now besides
You and the key people in your life probably aren't used to using terms and
phrases like these to help each other fill your personal and relationship needs
- right? What do you think might happen if you intentionally experimented with phrases like these
with adults and kids?
These dig-down tips complement other options your
family adults have to improve your communication
together. As you
explore and learn
together, enjoy modeling your learnings for your kids and teaching them
effective communication and problem solving basics - a priceless gift!
Reality Check
Take a moment to see where you stand with these ideas. A
= "I agree;" D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It
depends on (what?)"
My
is
answering these questions now. (A D ?)
I can clearly explain
and illustrate the concept
of surface problems and underlying primary needs to a high school
freshman now. (A D ?)
I accept that I every
adult is responsible for filling their own primary needs unless they're
disabled. (A D ?)
I accept that adults and kids
communicate to fill (satisfy) their primary needs, and I can clearly define what
effective communication is now. (A D ?)
I can explain the concept of
"digging down" through four levels of perception to a typical early teen. (A D ?).
I'm motivated to (a) forge my own
list of primary human needs now, and
to (b) try digging down with various people and situations to see if it
"works" (helps to identify primary needs) (A D ?)
I'm interested in alerting other
adults to the communication basics and
and teaching
them to the young people in my life. (A D ?)
Learning to think and communicate
effectively is among my top life priorities now.
(A D ?)
Pause and reflect what did you just learn?
Recap
This
article proposes that
typical adults and older kids have
major trouble solving relationship "problems" partly because
they (you) focus on surface
problems (discomforts) rather than the primary needs that cause them.
Page
1 offers five other foundation premises about relationship problem-solving. Pages 1 and
2 offer three examples of "digging down" through several
levels of adult-partner needs toward taking personal responsibility for identifying
and filling each person's current primary needs well enough.
This third page builds on these examples to outline a common theme that's true of most
internal and social
conflicts. The article closes with (a) 10 tips you and your partners can experiment with to help
you dig down
and resolve your primary problems
well enough, and (b) an illustration of dig-down questions in action.
To
dig down effectively, you and any partners must choose to...
-
your
true Self to lead your other
subselves (personality),
-
grow and use the skill of
over time,
and...
-
learn and use the other six
to help harmonize your
personalities and fill your respective primary needs.
Notice your self-talk now. What are your subselves
about these ideas and your life's quality?
Options...
-
try out this dig-down
practice with a partner, and/or...
-
select another resource from this Project-2
link-index, and/or...
-
review these Questions and Answers about
communication, or follow a link below.
Pause and recall why you began reading this article. Did you get what you
needed? If not - what do you need now? Dig down to find out!
+ + +
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