Project 2  of 12: Learn basics and seven skills to fill everyone's needs
	Communication Basics, and  Seven Skills Your Parents Didn't Teach You - p. 1 of 2 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/evc-intro.htm

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Note: This is the text version of a slide presentation on effective-communication basics and skills.

This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.                 Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

        To gauge your knowledge of communication basics, try this quiz and return here. For more perspective, review these common communication blocks, and see which you use without knowing it.

       I've studied effective thinking and communications skills for over 40 years, and have taught scores of lay and business classes and workshops on those topics since 1970. I estimate that under 5% of the 1,000+ adult therapy clients and students I've worked with since 1981 knew how to communicate and problem-solve effectively. Their childhood caregivers and teachers probably didn't either. This is part of the unawareness that is one of five major reasons for our tragic American divorce epidemic.

       Reading these Project-2 Web articles and/or the related guidebook will not make you a more effective communicator. They will provide practical, integrated concepts which - if you patiently practice them - will improve you and others filling your current primary needs, in a way that feels good-enough to everyone.

  Contents

• Premises about effective-communication basics;

• An overview of seven basic communication skills you probably were never taught; and...

• Other communication resources
  

  Effective Communication: Basic Premises

       To make this less academic, think of someone with whom you consistently communicate(d) well with, by your definition. Then think of you've had significant trouble communicating well with. Keep each person in mind as you absorb the following ideas.

        Let's start with some foundation ideas and why they're useful. If you disagree with any of these premises, what do you believe?

        Premise 1) Any perceived behavior or lack of behavior ("Jenny didn't return my call") in one person that causes a "significant" mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual reaction in another person is "communication." Our English verb "to communicate" comes from the Latin verb communicare, which meant “to share.”

       Adopting this premise will help you avoid the misconception that "I got no response," or "S/He didn't communicate with me." "No communication" implies significant un/conscious messages like "You don't respect me enough to respond."

        Premise 2) We communicate with ourselves (thinking) and with other people to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current needs. Six communication needs kids and adults try to fill are...

• to feel respected by yourself and each current communication partner, regardless of age, gender, knowledge, or roles. This need is constant in all social situations; and...

• to give and/or get credible and/or useful information; and/or...

• to cause or prevent action (change) - including changing or maintaining the psychological "distance" (boundaries) between us and others. And/or we communicate...

• to vent - i.e. we need to (a) describe our current thoughts, feelings, and needs to another person and to (b) feel deeply understood and accepted by them (vs. to get "fixed"). And/or we communicate...

• to create excitement - i.e. to reduce numbness or boredom; and/or we communicate...

• to avoid something uncomfortable, like silence, a confrontation, a loss, a disappointment, a criticism, unpleasant emotions and/or awarenesses, or a conflict.

       All six of these needs aim to increase immediate emotional, physical, or spiritual comfort. If there other reasons you communicate with people, add them. We usually have at least two of these needs at once, because the unconscious need for self respect + mutual respect is pretty constant. This is specially true for shame-based (wounded) people.

        Our combination of personal and social needs can vary quickly as our inner and outer environments change. Thus awareness of our respective needs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the keystone  communication skill. Are you usually aware of why and how you communicate? Do you know what to do if your and your partner's communication and/or other needs and values conflict?

Premise 3)  Effective communication happens when each person involved... Gets enough of their current primary needs met (by their definition),... in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about (a) themselves, (b) all others involved, and (c) the processes in and among them.

        If you accept this definition, note two key implications:

in important exchanges, all people need to be clearly aware of what each person really needs; and

the odds of two people both achieving these two factors are 1 in 16 -about 6% ! Here's why:

Possible Communication Outcomes
primary needs met  well enough?		Feeling good enough when we're done?
mine	yours	me	you
yes	no	yes	no
no	yes	no	yes
no	no	no	no
yes	yes	yes	yes

        Because definitions of enough vary by person and circumstance, definitions of "effective verbal communications" vary. What you feel is effective may not match my definition. We both are "right." The definition that counts is what we both believe right now. What percent of the time would you say you and your mate, and you and each child in your life, communicate effectively? How effective are you at communicating with yourself (thinking)?

        This premise provides a useful way to judge how effective your communication is or has been in any situation or relationship. This allows spotting current or habitual communication blocks, and using seven skills to prevent or correct them together.

        Premise 4)  Effective communication may happen when all people's current needs match well enough - e.g. I need to vent, and you need to maintain our relationship, and get information about me.

        When our respective communication (vs. other) needs conflict, we share a communication "problem." To make things more interesting, the subselves ruling each person's personality may have internal communication-need conflicts at any moment! ("Part of me wants to hear you clearly, and another part wants to persuade you to change!")

        Premise 5)  Face to face, we communicate on three "channels" at once:

spoken words and sounds;

voice dynamics: tone + tempo + inflection + volume + accent + non-word sounds; and...

non-verbal (face and body) communication language.

Face to face, most of the meaning we decode from our partners' behaviors comes through our eyes (!) - specially R(espect)-messages (below). Often the least impactful meaning we exchange comes from our words, but we're taught from childhood to focus on them the most.

        The benefits of intentionally developing "channel awareness" are (a) being able to spot stressful double messages in important communications and relationships, and deciding (b) what they mean (usually that a false-self rules the speaker), and (c) whether or not to focus on reducing or stopping such confusing messages by respectful use of the seven skills. How often are you aware of each of these channels in important exchanges?

        Recall - we're reviewing basic premises about communication inside and between people, to help avoid or resolve communication "problems." Have you ever seen premises like these together before?

        Premise 6)  We try to get current communication and other needs met by exchanging up to five concurrent messages on each of our three channels: "Right now,...

• I (or you) feel...";

• I (or you) need...";

• I (or you) think...";

• I'm I (or you're) doing..." and...

• relative to me and my needs, I see you and your needs as (more important / less important / equal."

more than mine, so you feel 1-up (superior) and I'm 1-down";

less than mine, so you feel 1-down (inferior) and I'm 1-up"; or...

equally with mine (we're "= / =" - "of equal respect" here.)

        For effective communication, all people steadily need to receive credible =/= R-messages, which come from genuine Self-respect and mutual respect. This is most likely if their respective true Selves (capital "S") steadily guide their other subselves.

        Premise 7)  The effectiveness of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your thinking - fuzzy and disorganized to clear, focused, and specific. The quality of your current and habitual thinking reflects...

• which subselves control your personality in calm and stressful situations,

• your working vocabulary, and...

• your awareness of your thought process, and several "clear-thinking" habits. These can include consciously avoiding...

  • vague terms and pronouns (it, that, this, those things, this problem, etc.) and...

  • "hand grenade" (emotionally explosive or "loaded") words, labels, and phrases like "You're yellow / such a wimp / stupid  / hopeless / the problem / ridiculous / pathetic  / a loser  / abusive / insensitive... etc."  

        Adopting this premise can motivate you to learn the powerful skills of awareness and clear thinking. 

+ + +

Continue with five more premises about effective communication, and an introduction to seven essential communication skills you can learn, apply, and teach your kids. Do you need a break before continuing?

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Updated  April 13, 2008