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Learn basics and seven skills to fill everyone's needs |
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Tool:
Map Your
Communication Sequences
Learn What You're Doing Now,
and See Ways to Improve It
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/evc-maps.htm
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This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote
relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief
introduction
describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this
information. Each article is part of a
mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll
all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional
help.
This article is one of a
series describing effective
and
The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship)
that promote high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts
effectively.
Read the prior articles pages in this series
first to get the most from reading this one.
The unique
guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key articles in the series, and includes
related resources.
Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article describes and
illustrates a powerful communication problem-solving technique called
mapping. Use this tool any time you have chronic or urgent
problems communicating effectively (a) among your
and (b) with other people.
To get the most from this article,
first read this overview of communication sequences
and patterns among subselves and people.
Perspective
Communication
between people and/or subselves is a semi-conscious sequential process powered by each
participant's drive to fill (satisfy) current
(reduce discomforts). Every sequence has a beginning, a middle process, and
an ending. Some sequences take seconds, and others take minutes, hours,
days, or longer.
Jack [feels + needs + thinks + does (something)] that Jill
"decodes" (deduces meaning from); so...
Jill reacts: [feels + needs
+ thinks + does (something)] that Jack
"decodes," and...
Jack reacts to her reaction: [feels + needs
+ thinks + does (something)] that affects Jill; so she (continues or ends
the sequence).
This interactive... act react...
continues until one or both partners
feel their main needs are met well enough or they need to do something
else.
Our current
and mutual needs conflict all the time. - e.g. "I need to
cuddle with you, and you need to lower your discomforts of (a) feeling sweaty after
working out (surface need: "take a shower"), and (b) needing to know if Raoul will repay the loan (surface need: "I need to call Raoul.") All adults
and kids in relationships evolve habitual ways of reacting to our
endless conflicts (need-clashes).
Though our local reactions
to each other depend on many factors,
we each evolve a
basic conflict style of reacting (thinking + feeling + behaving) with
certain kinds of people. You may react differently to conflict with a female
vs. a male, an adult vs. a child, with your boss vs. a co-worker, and you've grown a preferred way
to "do" conflict with close friends, vs. acquaintances or strangers. Do you know
what your several conflict
are?
Our typical reactions
are mostly unconscious until we use the skill of
to learn "How do
you and I usually react to conflicts together?
Who
usually gets their current needs met - you, me, us, or nobody?"
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If one or both of
us usually doesn't get our current needs met well enough,
each react-point in our sequence is a place
where you or I can change our reaction and get more of our mutual needs met.
Mapping is a simple way to assess your
conflict cycles with key people and improve them. How do you do it?
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Mapping Communication
Sequences
To map any
sequence, pick a person you have a relationship with. Then...
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Choose attitudes of curiosity and neutrality, and expect to learn ways to
improve your communication
rather than
blaming or defending. This
is not an exercise to find out who's right or wrong!
-
Note your and the other
person's usual expectations about your sequence: who will get their
needs met, and how? Note your usual initial
(above or below the ears), and
about each other: = / = (mutual respect), 1-up, or 1-down.
-
At the top of a large sheet
of paper, draw a symbol for (e.g. a circle, square, diamond), or write
the name of the person who "starts" the sequence. Write briefly
next to the symbol or name the key thing/s you think s/he feels,
needs, thinks, says, and does at that point in the cycle. Also
guesstimate who was leading his or her
parts at that time:
(capital "S") or
Non-verbal behavior counts as much as words. With actions, be as specific and factual as
you can, and avoid judgments ("Gets unreasonable.")
Summarize only those
actions that could be audio or video taped. Include silences, and note significant
patterns of eye contact, hand, face, body, and voice dynamics, and interruptions and
repetitions.
This might look like ...
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Feels:
ignored, misunderstood, hurt, and frustrated by (stepson) Carl;
to vent and be heard by
wife Marsha;
Thinks: "I'll try it again, but Marsh'll probably get defensive and argue (vs.
problem solve);"
Says: "Marsha, I need to tell you what happened between Carl and me."
Does: Avoids eye contact, crosses arms, shakes head slightly, frowns.
R attitude: "= / =" (mutually respectful);
E-level: (just) below
the ears.
In charge: unknown
and/or young
subselves |
Using a different symbol, objectively summarize the
same eight factors for person 2 as s/he reacts to person 1's communication:
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Feels: Apprehensive, weary,
"depressed," and guarded;
Needs: to avoid conflict, and feeling caught between Jack and Carl again;
Thinks: "I know what Jack's going to say: Carl's a jerk, and I'm a bad
Mom."
Says: "So what's Carl done now?"
Does: Frowns, voice tone sarcastic, shallow breathing, stares at Jack;
R attitude: "I feel 1-down, and Jack seems 1-up"
E level: below the ears at first, but rising fast.
In charge: unknown Guardian and/or Vulnerable subselves |
-
Option - also estimate each person's
at each reaction point: 1-person, 2-person, or no-person.
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Alternate diagramming back and forth between the two of
you, (action
reaction),
until you reach an ending to this communication sequence (e.g. Jack
and Marsha stop talking). Note that silence (Says: nothing) is a
communication: it causes feelings and reactions ("You're ignoring my request."),
just like words.
-
Option - Let your overall
sequence of act
react steps form a circle - or connect the last step to the first with a dotted
arrow,
if this sequence is habitual. You may have
several basic
cycles, depending on the topic and setting.
-
Estimate the usual outcome: whose
and
needs got met or
didn't? If you needed to
how do each of you feel about your conflict resolution
process:
or not?
-
If you mapped this alone, seek your partner's input on the map. Edit it until you
both feel it's accurate enough. It's OK to have differing perceptions of your
communication sequence - that's a helpful learning by itself. Avoid
("I'm
right!" "No, I am!"). Try "I see (experience) it
differently" or similar.
-
Reality-check the possibility that your shared
sequence is
cyclical (a sequence of sequences, or pattern): Will this
beginning > process > outcome sequence probably
occur again between you? Will you each act about the same or differently? Again - the point
here is growing your
and options, not about
blame or competition!
Every circle or square in
your interactive sequence is a place where one or both of you can improve the shared
(get more current needs met).
There are many change points
in most sequences.
Use
and
skills as partners to discover what specific changes would help you each get
your respective communication and other needs met well enough, in a
mutually-satisfying way.
You each have half the responsibility
and the chances to change the sequence. Mapping your communication sequences
- specially conflicts - will raise your awarenesses of
you communicate together
now - so expect some useful shifts!
For Extra Credit
Most people unconsciously focus on filling surface needs
- symptoms of what they
need. With important topics or sequences, at
each reaction-point in the sequence map,
below the surface needs ("I need to know if you put gas in the car")
to estimate the person's
("I need to reduce my anxieties about whether (a) I
should allow time to fill the tank or (b) I might run out of gas the next time
I use the car.")
When you've tried mapping your
sequences
with several people try adding a third person who's directly involved, like a
child. draw a unique symbol for them, and note the same factors for them at each
stage of your sequence. Your sequence then becomes something like...
"A" ([feels /
thinks / needs / says / does / R-message / E-level / in charge]
"B" reacts [ --- ] "C" reacts by [ --- ]
"A" reacts by [ --- ] ...
More extra credit: most of us
fall into communication patterns over periods of time - i.e.
repeated sequences. Try mapping your patterns on important topics -
specially the outcomes of your sequences: who got their primary needs met well
enough? ("The last three times we've talked about money, you seemed to
feel satisfied and I didn't.")
As you map your sequences and patterns, watch for
("Jack supports Susan, and criticizes Ben.")
These are specially common in multi-home
families and
Probably the most important thing
to glean from communication mapping (besides noting whose needs got met)
is
discovering when one or more of the people involved are ruled by a false
self ("blended" or "split")
- i.e. their
was
by one or more needy, distrustful other
(a "false self").
The three main reasons
for ineffective communications are
false-self
+ communication
+ ignorance. Family
here offers an effective way to assess and reduce the first of these, and
can help you reduce the other two.
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As with all new concepts, you need to (a) want to learn
the (communication) basics, and to (b)
use them to try mapping several typical sequences
(say with five or fewer sequence events) to experience the full
value of this useful technique.
Notice whether you're
motivated to try mapping in the next several days. If not, a
well-meaning false self may be controlling your personality.
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Resources - print these and refer
to them to help you map your communication process.
Recap
This article extends a series on effective
communication skills, techniques, and resources. It outlines a way to
diagram or "map" the interactive "he said..." "so she said..." sequence of
verbal and nonverbal interactions between two or more people or personality
subselves - by
up to eight variables for each person at each event in the sequence. You can
also profitably map communication patterns - sequences of sequences, over
time.
The purpose of this technique is to raise your awareness of
and spot and reduce any
that hinder achieving win-win
together. This is not meant
to be tool for criticizing someone or proving that one person is right
or a "better communicator"!
Ideally, all people in any
sequence or pattern will make and discuss each map cooperatively, using
these seven powerful
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you
get what you needed? If so, what do you want to do now? If not - what
you need?
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Updated
June 02, 2008
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