5)
One
people
communicate is to cause changes (action) - so help your adults and kids learn
the vital difference between (a) surface and
and (b) first-order (superficial) and second-order (core attitude)
Then
grow your
to identify your current primary needs so you can
and fill them.
6)
Help each other build and keep a
(vs.
combative) mind-set: share responsibility for helping each other fill your respective primary needs well.
This requires you and each partner to maintain a genuine attitude of self
and mutual respect. Use awareness to
monitor the
you give and receive in important conversations.
7) Intentionally develop
and practice communication-process
and habitual two-person
8)
Study and
patiently practice the
together,
and notice the
Quick test: can
your adults each...
-
name and describe each skill now, and...
-
describe (a) how they relate to each other,
and (b) when to use each of them; and...
-
many of these common
If not, you're
probably
communicating at well below half of the potential
effectiveness you could have, and you're missing a vital chance to teach your kids these priceless
life-long
and communicating
basics and skills.
9) Practice identifying
why you’re communicating - help each other
develop your
of which of the
you're each trying to fill
at any moment. Specially in conflicts or
grow the
reflex of getting clear on “What do I need from
my partner now, besides feeling respected enough?" And practice...
-
using your "awareness bubble" and
to sort out your and your partner's communication needs from other (e.g.
personal, relationship, or social) current needs, and...
-
below current surface needs to discern the underlying
Tip 10) When you
and a communication-partner are conflicted,
help each other do respectful “hearing checks”
- i.e. practice exchanging
to
grow mutual feelings of being well-heard. Note
that “listening respectfully and attentively” does not
necessarily mean “agreeing”!
11)
Practice identifying
where your and your family members'
are in calm and
stressful situations. When
an adult or child is "upset," their E-level is “above their ears,” and they usually
can’t hear others (like you) well. That means they
can’t do win-win problem solving (need fulfillment) until their E-levels
fall and stay "below their ears."
Use or ask for respectful
to
bring E-levels down and restore hearing.
More effective-communication tips...
12)
Practice
noticing your partner’s non-verbal communications (e.g. eye contact, face
and body language, and voice dynamics), and how you decide what they mean,
in conflict situations. Work to raise your comfort levels in
together: some communication experts estimate they represent the high
majority of how we draw “meanings” from each other’s behavior, vs. from our
words.
13)
Help each
other use
skill to differentiate
between:
-
abstract conflicts (values, opinions, preferences, priorities);
-
concrete (“thing”) conflicts,
like cars, checkbooks, food, and TVs;
-
communication-
and...
- conflicts (a) among your subselves
disputes), and (b) with other people (interpersonal clashes).
Resolving
each of these can be very different. Interpersonal problem-solving
is much easier if each partner resolves any major inner conflicts first!
14)
View all emotions
as useful guides to unfilled primary needs, and avoid judging any
emotions as "negative." Distinguish between feeling an
emotion - which is biochemical and uncontrollable, and
it, which can be controlled. Help each other to use
and
constructively. Like
they feel the same, but are caused and reduced differently.
15)
Use awareness
to practice spotting...
Use metatalk
language and empathic listening to discuss and improve both of these.
16)
Learn the
normal differences in how
handle relationships and
conflicts. Affirm and accept how these differences regularly manifest in your
key relationships - e.g. he needs to act: (to fix her problem); she mainly
needs to be listened to and accepted now - not “fixed.” Strive to
use
your complementary gender differences together, rather than
competing, judging, or trying to revise each other to be more like you.
See...
-
Brain Sex - The Real Difference Between Men and Women,
by Anne Moir, Ph.D., and David Jessel; and...
-
You
Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in
Conversation; by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.
17)
Help
each other learn
how to
your present communication
- specially conflicts - to understand, not to blame. Option: Do
this, say, annually, to learn if and how your communication skills are
growing.
18) Help
each other learn how to give each other effective feedback.
Do this when
partners are ready to hear it - i.e. when their
are "below
their ears" (10 above), and they're not distracted. Stay aware of why
you're offering feedback, specially in emotional situations; and how
you're giving it. Grow fluency with
as an effective way of combining feedback with
stating your needs.
19)
Identify the spoken
and unspoken “rules” (“shoulds and oughts”) your caregivers used
in handling conflict in your childhood homes. Examples: "
rather than request;" Men can get angry and yell, but women
can't;" and "It's OK to interrupt each other, but not
complain about it."
Doing this can
help you avoid unconsciously using some ineffective conflict-resolution strategies and
techniques that your caregivers did - or the polar opposites.
Those people probably had no training in what you're learning in
and were ineffective communicators.
A way
to begin this project is to reflect
on “How did Mom and Dad (or whoever) try to get their core needs met with
each other, and what did they do when their needs conflicted or didn’t
get met well enough?” Consider using sibs and kin - and your original caregivers,
if living - as resources in this research.
Diagram
(16 above) their problem-solving
process, and compare it to yours now. Option: use the communication
blocks worksheet, and focus on your caregivers, to see what you may have
unconsciously inherited.
20) Help
each other tailor these useful communication
phrases to fit you, and use them to prevent or resolve conflicts.
21)
Evolve and use
Bills
of Personal Rights in growing your
skills
and “promoting yourself to
equal.” Help each other build the attitude
"Your needs and mine
are
except in emergencies.
22)
Help
each other distinguish between
things you can control, and things you can't. Consider posting
these
where you can see them every day, and model and teach them to your kids.
23) Study, discuss, and
tailor these key attitudes and
premises about relationship
problems with important people.
24)
Affirm
your individual and joint conflict-resolution successes promptly,
and learn from your “mistakes” without undue
Follow the wise Zen suggestion to
"adopt the (open, curious) mind of a student”
and grow the habit of asking "What can I learn from (some situation
or event)?"
25)
Develop a
set of hand-signals and verbal “trigger” words and phrases - a kind of
communication shorthand to simplify your conflict resolution process, over
time. For example, if one of you is feeling flooded
(overwhelmed with feelings and/or information), you might put your fingers
in your ears, or the edge of your hand under your nose, to symbolize “Whoa!
I need a time-out here.”
A circled thumb and forefinger, or a thumbs-up
gesture, can mean “Right on!” or “I feel really
well-heard by you now. Thanks!” Some people are more
kinesthetic (action
and touch oriented) than others, so these kinds of gestures may or may not
fit you. Experiment, and see what helps.
+ + +
Notice the
themes of these 25 communication skill-builders: awareness,
needs, self and mutual respect, knowledge, and teamwork.
Build on these to invent your own communication tips!
Status Check
Unless you try
these practical options for better
communication outcomes, they'll remain concepts on paper or a PC screen.
Stretch, breathe, and see how you stand with this now: T = true,
F = false, and ? = "I'm torn or ambivalent now."
-
Intentionally learning to think and
communicate clearly is the most powerful tool I and my descendents will
ever have to meet our personal and social needs now. (T F
?)
-
Improving my communication effectiveness is
among my top five life priorities now (T F ?)
-
I'm clear now on how to measure the
effectiveness of my communications (T F ?)
-
On a scale of 1 (I have no interest in
trying these tips) to 10 (I'm very motivated to try selected tips
with my subselves and social relationships now), I am a ___ now.
-
I'm currently studying the articles and
using the worksheets in Project 2 here, or if
not, I clearly know why. (T F ?)
-
My
true Self is
to this status check, or I know which
are. (T F ?)
Recap
A core premise in this divorce-prevention
Web site is that average adults like you - regardless of formal
education and life experience - are ineffective communicators. They don't
know what they don't know about effective internal and interpersonal
communication, or what's possible. Project 2 in this site, and its guidebook
distill practical communication basics and seven
powerful
that can help any motivated person get more key needs met more often - and
feel very good about doing so.
This article summarizes the key tips I have learned to offer clients and
students from over 45 years of studying, teaching, and coaching effective
communication skills. I hope you're curious to try some of them - ideally
with a co-motivated partner - and judge whether they help you and others get
your needs met more often. Option - print this and put it where you
can refer to it easily.
Pause, breathe, and reflect: why did
you read this? If you got what you needed, what do you need to do
now? If you didn't, what
you need?
+ + +
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