Project 2 of 12: Learn basics and seven skills to fill everyone's needs better
	Gender and Communication Typical Female /  Male   Differences In Priorities By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/gender.htm

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        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills  that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

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       In the interesting, well-researched book Brain Sex (1991), geneticist Anne Moir and co-author David Jessel say that the development of a person's brain and certain glands are mainly programmed early in pregnancy by the presence or absence of male sex hormones - specially testosterone. 

        All embryo brains start out wired "female" (!) Moir claims that social programming is an important but much weaker factor in determining whether a person has "male" or "female" traits and response patterns. Male and female brains are structured and process information differently. Adults' and kids' brains are on a continuum from "very male" to "very female," and function largely independently of the gender of the body they're in (hence "tom-boys" and "sissies").

       Because of this, Dr. Moir urges that we stop the "battle of the sexes" - for neither is right or better, we're just "wired" differently. Thus in communicating, it would help if men and women stop judging and trying to convert each other ("You are so illogical!; Yeah? Well you have the sensitivity of a tree stump."), accept our different abilities and skills as complementary, and blend them cooperatively to manage our life challenges! This seems to answer Henry Higgins' question in My Fair Lady "Why Can't a Woman ... Be More Like a Man?!"

       Some of these innate, largely biological differences seem to be:

       You and your partner's respective profiles and rankings of these factors shape how you communicate and react with each other. How would you rank-order yourself and your key communication partners (including kids) on these attributes? How do your preference-patterns (above) affect your thinking  and communication effectiveness?

       Implication - if your partner has a different profile of these priorities than you do, it's useless and disrespectful to criticize or try to change them. Trying to do so is like demanding that s/he change her or his fingerprints. What do you think?

       See "You Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation" (1990 Ballentine paperback, by linguist Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.) for more interesting perspective on male/female communication traits and differences.

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       Becoming aware of these gender-differences and how they affect your family-communications is part of the second of 12 Projects. The goals of this vital project are for you and your partner to...

• learn and adapt the seven skills to your individual communication styles;

• harmonize them over time; and...

• become fluent together in using the skills to improve everyone getting more of their primary needs met, in a mutual-respectful way.

Options

• Study this overview of values conflicts and what to do about them.

• Scan this summary of requisites for a satisfying relationship

• Scan these links to articles about relationships, and/or these Q&A items.

• Read this interesting article on "avoiding couple karate," by Anthony Brandt.

• Try this communication quiz to see if you need to study these basics.

• Identify your and/or another person's current communication strengths.

• Review the vital skills of communication awareness and metatalk (talking about communicating)

• Review these common communication blocks.

• If you have a major communication problem, browse these tips and phrases for ideas, and consider mapping your process to identify the problem..

• Read these examples of win-win and lose-lose communication between couples.

• Scan the Project-2 index for other articles, practice exercises, and resources.

• Get all of these in the unique, practical Project-2 guidebook Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know (Xlibris.com, 2002). You feel satisfied when your current communication and primary needs are met!

        Pause, breathe, and reflect:  why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering this question - your resident true Self or "someone else"?

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Updated April 13, 2008