The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/improve.htm
Continued from p. 3...
If you studied the readings at the top of
page 1
and are open to the premises there, then
select among these
action-options
to improve your communication effectiveness with any adult or child:
Action Options
If
“you” (your dominant subselves) feel resistant, bored, skeptical, or “overwhelmed” by these
op-tions,
your
Self is probably disabled. Take your time with these: there’s a
lot
here! Options - (a) use this as a checklist to gauge your progress;
and (b) pick several of these options to practice, not all of them! When
you feel ready, pick and practice several more...
1)
Accept that most
(all?) normal people are controlled by
well-meaning personality
subselves, with-out being
crazy in the least. Conflictresolution involves
identifying, clarifying, and resolving concurrent conflicts (a)
among your
own subselves and (b) between your and another person's subselves. To make this more real,
try reading and applying Hal and Sidra Stone’sbook “Embracing
Each Other.”.
If you ignore this,
the rest of these options won’t help you much.
2) Steadily
remind yourself: “the quality and duration of our relationship depends directly on...
empowering
my true Self to lead my other subselves in all situations,
the clarity of my (or our) our personal
and mutual
awareness,
These rank second in life-importance only to
breathing, eating, eliminating, and sleeping.
3) Accept that except in
medical crises, your and any partner’s needs, opinions, and perceptions are
of equal importance and worth. Help each other adopt and keep a
genuine
"=/=" (mutually respectful) attitude before trying important communications. If you don't, one or both of you will
feel disrespected, and you'll get into fights,
power struggles,
arguments,
triangles, or withdrawals that always defeat
effec-tive inner and mutual problem-solving.
This is specially true with
typical kids. For wise perspective, see
this.
If you have trouble exchanging
=/=
R(espect)-messages, one or both of you is probably controlled by a
shame-based false self. If
so, work at
Project 1. I urge you to help each other evolve and
use a
personal Bill of Rights and teach it
to your kids! It's a requisite for effective assertion. If your
communication partner is wounded, apply these ideas.
4) Helpeachother
accept that to improve your communication
outcomes, you each will have to want tochange some attitudes
and habits. Use
awareness and
metatalk skills to identify beliefs and
be-haviors (like tolerating interruptions) that block your inner and mutual
communication processes. Then brainstorm better options. This is
not about anyone being bad or wrong; it’s about choosing to be
more effective communicators!
5) Help each other see
the difference between first order
(superficial) and second order (core value) changes. When
confused, disheartened, or angry, refer to these wise
guidelines
for comfort and re-groun-ding. Option: post a copy of
these where you can see them.
Option 6) Help each other
accept that "problems" between you two (like "I'm
really tired of you interrupting me!") are usually
symptoms of the true
problems:
unfilled
primary needs in one
or both of you (“I need to feel respected by myself and by you.”),
Use
awareness
and
dig-down
skills to identify your primary needs - as teammates. And...
how you partners are trying to communicate and
resolve your conflicts – e.g. “I need to vent, and you need to problem
solve.” (communication-
need-conflicts). To learn how you communicate
with key people,
try
mapping
your important exchanges.
8)
Accept that
each able adult is responsible for filling their own primary needs.
If you expect a partner to fill them, you both may wind up disappointed,
conflicted, resentful, irritated, and disillusioned. If you're enduring an
unsatisfying relationship, that's your choice.
This doesn't mean you can't
request or demand
(assert) things from each other or help each other. It does mean
you each
are responsible for your half of every communication
outcome.
9) Make(vs. “find”)time to communicate.
if you partners have arranged your lives so that "We
don't have much undistracted time to talk," don't expect to improve
your communication outcomes regardless of following any of these
suggestions. Your
actions show your true current
priorities more
than your words. If you're Self (capital "S") is disabled, your false self will determine
your real priorities.
10)
Appreciate
that male brains and female brains are "wired" differently. They experience and perceive the
world, and process information differently. Accepting and
valuing thiswill spare you (a) jud-ging each other as 1-down
(inferior),
and (b) wasting time and effort trying to explain and convert each
other to your “way of thinking.”
To help you do this, read these books out
loud to each other:
Brain Sex by Anne Moirand David
Jessel;
and
You Just Don’t Understand, by linguist Deborah Tannen.
Ignoring this neuro-hormonal reality limits the amount of empathy you can
have for each other. That will block your
listening empathically to each
other, which will make effective problem-solving much harder.
Recall -
we're reviewing 22 action-options for more effective
communication with anyone.
Option 11)
Read all these
Project-2 Web articles,
and this problem-solving slide
presentation. Your goal is
to be able to clearly answer every question in the communication
quiz you took at the be-ginning of
this article.
Option: Practice one of the seven skills with a
co-interested partner each month for seven
months. Use the practice
exercises in Project 2.
12)
Re-read this summary of
communication basics once a week
until you know them “well enough.” Validate these basics by
mapping recent
communications (“When we argued about insurance last night, both our
E-levels were high, so neither of us could hear
very well.
We (our false selves) were each into
interrupting; and I was reacting to “1-up”
R-message from you without
telling you that, and switching gears to fix it.”)
13)
Eachtime you have a
“significant communication problem” with any adult or child,
refer
to these common blocks
and this troubleshooting
checklist. Use them and your
"dig down" skill as to help you identify and fill the
unfilled primaryneedscausing your blocks.
14) Intentionally build your
knowledge and communication-process
(metatalk)
vocabularywith terms like “E-level,”
“R-message,” "sequence," “awareness bubble,” and “surface need.” The greater your
and any partner's vocabularies, the more resources you have to identify, assert, and help each
other fill your communication and other needs.
15)
Keep a communicationlog or journal about your
Project-2 goals, experiences,
and progress. Choosing to write about these can raise your awareness, and
clarify and consolidate your learnings.
16) Request
(vs.
demand or hint) selected partners to do these options. If
they do, evaluate whether they're doing so
(a)
to please you, or (b) because s/he wants to for personal benefits. If the
former, as-sess her or him for
codependence (false-self wounds), and don’t expect this to help you much.
17) List the main subjects you and
any selected child or adult are significantly conflicted about. Then rank-order them. Use this
mapping technique on the top
two or three as a partner (vs. adversary) to discern the
sequences and patterns you two
co-create. Pay special attention to...
who usually
leads each of your
personalities (subselves), your true Self or
"someone else;"
Use the results to identify
major communication
blocks, and use the seven skills with your
partner to evolve
permanent solutions.
18)
Helpeachother
keep your
balances locally and over time.
Stay focused on resolving short-term conflicts, while moving toward your
main long-range personal and
shared goals. In adult family re-lationships, this implies that you've
achieved mutual trust and respect. Have you?
19) Appreciate
your progress
together, and
view “mistakes” as valuable chances to learn. Enjoy
asserting “dodge-proof” praise and
affirmations to each other (and other people). Help each other to be patient: learning effective thinking and
communicating is a long-term project!
Motto:
“Progress,
not Perfection!”
20)
Model and teach
your version of these options and the
seven skills to any
kids in your life. Also offer the ideas to
other key people without expectations. Beware feeling or implying "I/we
know how to communicate and you don't." (R-message: “You’re
1-down"). Offering
happens by...
modeling the ideas respectfully, and maybe...
saying something like "Jose, Larry and I are working on improving our communication
effective-ness. If you're ever interested in what we're learning and how it
might work in your and our kids' lives, we'd be glad to pass on the tools
we're learning."
21)
Browse this
booklist for other helpful readings.
periodically inventory your communication
strengths! Keep a copy, and review them when you get stuck.
Add your own
action options…
+ + +
These
communication-upgrade options apply to every significant relationship in your life,
including those among your talented
personality subselves. As you review these choices and what they might mean in your
life, notice your
self talk. Take your time…
With these action options in mind, stop and identify several people you
have "trouble" communica-ting effectively with. Imagine (a) putting your
true Self in charge and (b) applying these options as needed. Then
imagine feeling satisfied with the outcome of your exchange.
Premise - a primary cause of "relationship problems" is
unawareness of (a) false-self
wounds
and (b) the vital seven communication skills in
Project 2. Can you
name and describe them yet?
Do you use them?
# Status Check: See where you stand now: T(rue),
F(alse), or "?" (I'm not sure..."):
Improving (a) the clarity of my
thinking and (b) the
effectiveness of my communication with
other people are
among my top five life priorities now. (T F ?)
I’m highly motivated to learn
the answers to each of the
questions that began this
article. (T F ?)
I feel very comfortable asking
key adults to join me in raising the effectiveness of our think-ing and
communicating over time. (T F ?)
I feel...
My true Self has been reading and
reacting to
this article, and...
the ideas and suggestions
in this article and in family Project 2 are realistic and do-able, and...
I believe following them
patiently will definitely improve the quality of my life and my
relationships with the people I care about, over time. (T F ?)
What I want to do now is…
Finally, take strength from
inspirations
like these as you grow and pass on your communication awarenesses, knowledge,
and skills. Go for patient progress,
vs. perfection, and appreciate your progress along the way!
Recap
This
Project-2
article focuses on improving
communication effectiveness among adults. See this
for similar suggestions about communicating with kids. The article
provides preparation and motivational
options, and key definitions; and then...
describes typical surfaceproblems, and
three interactive
primary causes of effective communication:
psychological wounds, ignorance (lack of information), and unawareness.
proposes practical solutions to each cause,
and...
illustrates how
false-self wounds affect communication outcomes;
provides a
self-study course for
communication basics and skills, and...
Once adults and older kids understand
these primary problems, they can help each other reduce them over time by
working at the options outlined above - as mutually-respectful teammates.
Note my
practical guidebook
for Project 2 - Satisfactions
- 7 Relationship skills you need to know; (Xlibris.com, 2002), Itintegrate key articles and
resources about communications in this non-profit Web site.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
do
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
true Self,
or
"someone else"?
Note
these options for improving communications (relationships)
between mates, ex
mates, and kids. Each of these articles
builds on this one.
The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/improve.htm
Action Options
Note
these options for improving communications (relationships)
between