Project 2 of 12: Learn basics and seven skills to fill everyone's needs better
	Personal Listening Inventory How effective a listener are you? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/listen-inventory.htm

        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills  that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key  Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

        To get the most from this inventory, first read this introduction to empathic listening, and this surprising article about listening and your health.

 Empathic Listening Inventory

        Would you agree that some people are better listeners than others? Can you think of someone you feel is usually an effective listener (including you)? What criteria do you use to judge?  Family Project 2 in this nonprofit Web site proposes that any motivated person can significantly improve the effectiveness of their thinking and communicating (can fill more social needs more often) - by practicing seven related skills.

       One powerful skill is empathic listening, traditionally called reflective and active listening, and mirroring. Fluency in it is essential for effective assertions, metatalk, and win-win problem-solving. Do you already listen empathically? If not, what might happen if you did? Is anyone teaching these skills to the young people in your life?

        This worksheet can help you learn about...

• your general ability to listen well, and...

• your and selected others' abilities to listen effectively to each other.

        There are no rights or wrongs here - only "what is." Take your time with these items, adopt the unbiased curiosity of a student, and see what you learn. There are two parts to this inventory - how you see yourself listening (a) with most people, and (b) with a special adult or child.

        Before evaluating these, first rank yourself on three requisites for effective communication in most non-emergency situations - (a) having your true Self guiding your personality, and (b) maintaining a genuine mutual-respect attitude and (c) a "two-person" awareness bubble. Each of these is required to be an effective listener.

        Estimate how you stand with each of these requisites as a foundation for this worksheet - T = true, F = false, ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends (on what?)"

With most adults and kids in non-conflict situations,

• My true Self is usually guiding my personality, or if not, I know who is  (T  F ?)

• I usually maintain an attitude of genuine mutual respect. (T  F ?)

• I usually maintain a two-person awareness bubble. (T  F ?)

With most adults and kids in conflictual or stressful situations...

• My true Self is usually guiding my personality, or if not, I know who is  (T  F ?)

• I usually maintain an attitude of genuine mutual respect  (T  F ?)

• I usually maintain a two-person awareness bubble  (T  F ?)

        If you're unclear about these evaluations, follow the links and make sure you understand the concepts (test - can you describe each concept to another person?)

        Then use the skill of awareness to factually observe your half of typical calm and stressful interactions with a range of kids and other adults. Do this with your Self guiding your other subselves (ref. Project 1).

        Keep these self-evaluations in mind as you do the following...

A) How I See Myself As a Listener in General

Some adults and kids I know who are consistently effective listeners are…

 

What makes them effective is (name specific traits, like eye contact, steady focus, empathy, respect, interruptions, topic changes, questions, etc.)…

 

Some people I often have a hard time listening to are (names)…

 

Because…

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your general effectiveness as a listener. "1" means "I rarely hear what others think, feel, and need now," and 10 is "I always hear kids and other adults with laser clarity and accuracy." This is not about shaming yourself, it's about awareness. Option: give yourself a range ("I'm about 4 to 6") if that feels more realistic, since your ability to listen well fluctuates with many factors.

With most people in conflictual situations, I'd rate my listening effectiveness as a __.

With colleagues at work or school, I'd rate my general listening effectiveness as a __.

When there are no conflicts, I'm generally a __ listener with the pre-adult kids in my life.

When we have significant conflicts, I'm generally a __ listener with these pre-adult kids.

With the adults who mean the most to me personally…

     When neither of us is conflicted, I'd rate my listening effectiveness as a __.

     When we have a significant conflict, I'd rate my listening effectiveness as a __.

What I'm modeling and teaching the kids in my life about effective listening is…

 

What I'm realizing as I assess my listening ability here is…

 

 

B) You and a Special Partner As Effective Listeners

        Focus on your past or present relationship with an important adult or child. Using the same 1 to 10 scale, rate your usual listening effectiveness with them, and them with you:

When neither of us is conflicted, I'd rate my listening effectiveness as a __.

I think you'd rank my ability to listen well to you as a __.

I believe your true Self is usually guiding your personality  (T  F  ?)

You usually maintain a mutual-respect attitude with me  (T  F  ?)

You usually maintain a two-person awareness bubble with me  (T  F  ?)

I rank your ability to listen to me as a __.

I think you'd rank your listening effectiveness with me as a __.
 

When we have a significant conflict, I'd rate my listening effectiveness as a __.

I think you'd rank my ability to listen well to you as a __.

I believe your true Self is usually guiding your personality  (T  F  ?)

You usually maintain a mutual respect attitude with me  (T  F  ?)

You usually maintain a two-person awareness bubble with me  (T  F  ?)

I rank your ability to listen to me as a __.

I think you'd rank your listening effectiveness with me as a __.

I have the hardest time listening to you when…

 

 

Topics I have trouble listening to you on are…

 

because…

 

 

I could listen to you better if…

 

 

Instead of really listening to each other at key times…

I / You

__  __  Assume listening automatically means agreeing with the speaker, unless we say otherwise.

__  __  "Mind read" - assume what the other is really thinking and meaning.

__  __  Often finish the other's sentences for them.

__  __  Often begin composing our response before the speaker is done.

__  __  Interrogate: break the speaker's train of thought with excessive questions.

__  __  Lose the speaker’s main meaning by overfocusing on words / details.

__  __  Ignore, hide, or deny feeling distracted, bored, anxious, frustrated, or angry.

__  __  Judge, moralize, or preach about the speaker or the subject.

__  __  Suggest solutions to the speaker’s problems without being asked to ("fix" / advise).

__  __  Don’t bother sensing the speaker’s current communication needs (to feel respected, vent emotions, give or get information, cause action or excitement, divert from something unpleasant, and/or to create excitement.)

__  __  Grab the conversation - change the subject before the speaker is finished.

__  __  Start an argument for excitement.

__  __  Ignore the feeling part of the speaker’s communication.

__  __  Rarely try to hear between the speaker’s lines - i.e. to hear what they’re not saying.

__  __  In a conflict, defend, counter/attack, shut up, or withdraw.

__  __  Interrupt the speaker’s talk or silences frequently with my opinions or ideas.

__  __  Hide feeling confused, impatient, or overwhelmed.

__  __  Send mixed messages with voice, body, face, and hands.

__  __  Don’t summarize my impression of other’s thoughts and feelings periodically (don't do "hearing checks").

__  __  Threaten, demand, whine, proclaim, cry, blame, lecture, drone, joke...

__  __  Fake interest in the speaker's topic/s when I'm bored or disinterested

__  __  Avoid appropriate eye contact, or stare "too much"

__  __  Don't ask the speaker something like "Is there more you need to say about that?"

__  __  Often do something active while “listening” to the other person - e.g. listening while driving            vehicle, reading, preparing food, folding clothes, balancing the check book, etc.

__  __ 

__  __ 

__  __ 

What I want to improve about listening to you is:  

 

 

What I want to ask you to change about listening to me is:

 

I probably (will / won't) develop my empathic listening skill with you because…

 

 

Now I'm aware of...

 

 

Notes / Thoughts / Learnings…

   

 

Options

• Try this listening-skill practice, and these other Project-2 skill-practices: awareness / assertion / metatalk / problem-solving.

• Study these questions and answers about effective communication;

• Study these examples of lose-lose (ineffective) and win-win communication; and...

• Consider investing in the Project-2 guidebook Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know. (Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates most of the Project-2 Web articles in this nonprofit site.