|
|
|
of
Learn basics and seven skills to fill everyone's needs better |
|
|
Effective Couple Communication
p. 3 of 3
Example: Doing All the
Right
Things - Intentionally (concluded)
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
|
 The Web address of this
3-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/lose-lose.htm
This concludes an example of ineffective and effective
couple-communication. It takes the same
in page
1 and illustrates Jim and Rae's response using effective
communication skills.
Replay, Using the Project-2
Skills (concluded)
So far in this example,
the couple has just begun to get mutually clear on what Rae’s primary (vs.
surface) needs are:
to ...
feel
respected by stepdaughter Georgia,
husband Jim, and
herself;
feel she has
some power and control in her home and life, vs. feeling like a
protect
her marriage (i.e. protect
her and her son's securities, and avoid loss and old-age aloneness), and to ...
evolve some credible plan of action with her partner
with hope of getting her other three needs met “soon enough.”
The couple has just started on
the next step: getting mutually clear on what Jim’s primary needs are.
Notice your reactions to
all this: anything like …
“This seems like a
lot of work!”
“These steps are too
complicated.”
“This
is a farce: couples just don’t talk like this!” (Why?)
“We sure don’t sound like this!”
“We could never do this
…”
"My partner wouldn't care about or try
options like these."
"The example doesn't bring in what
the stepdaughter's biofather wants." (true, for brevity's sake)
If your
sounds anything like this, it may indicate that a well-meaning
is controlling you. Ask yourself “What would have to happen
for me to start thinking like …
"The way to accomplish big projects is to break them into manageable
tasks and prioritize them."
"Other couples communicate effectively, and so can we."
“We can learn to do our
version of this problem-solving process well enough, over time.”
“Our kids are depending
on us to develop and model an effective way of resolving personal and social
conflicts (filling needs) - and we CAN.”
"We can help each other learn the seven Project-2
and useful techniques, over time."
Effective (win-win-win) problem-solving begins with your basic attitudes and
expectations!
OK,
lets continue to see
where Rae and Jim’s resolution-process takes them:
| Effective
Couple's Dialog |
Process Observations |
| Rae snorted. “My
turn: now I think you’re bringing in another issue. Stay on track,
OK? I feel your main points just now were that you’re frustrated
with our loyalty conflict, too - and you feel Georgia’s a normal,
good, pre-teen kid.” |
|
| Jim: “Thanks,
Rae. I was starting to defocus." He sits quietly for some moments,
trying to get clear on what he needs ... |
-
Jim hears and acknowledges Rae, and takes genuine (vs. strategic)
responsibility for his behavior, non-defensively;
|
| Jim: “Well, first of
all, I need both you and Georgia to be happy. So I
need to work out a
compromise here with you and her so that we all feel OK enough. And,
uh…, I need to find a way to stop resenting you both when I feel
stuck in
you two.” |
|
| Jim:
“You need Georgia
to take more responsi-bility about …, no. You need Georgia to respect
your need for order in our home.” Rae nods, listening. He continues
“I’m used to her messes, so they don’t really bother me as much
as they do you. I grew up in a messy house, and so has she.” |
|
| Jim pauses
thoughtfully again. “I think my biggest
need now is for more info. I
need the three of us talk together soon about this lousy loyalty
conflict.
I’d like to be with you when you tell Georgie what you
need, and have us both learn what she needs. Then I think we’ll be
in a better place to all try for a win-win compromise."
A plane drones by
overhead, and a cool breeze stirs the park foliage around them. |
-
Defines a current primary need;
-
Proposes a trial solution, honestly expressing his
and
weariness;
-
Acknowledges that Georgia has
and proposes respecting them, too
(=/=);
-
Consciously avoids making a black/white
of his daughter to
please his wife, or “punishing” Georgia for being
“disre-spectful” (i.e. Jim uses
|
| Rae: “Mm. I
wouldn’t have thought of that, Hon. I’m feeling so
and
frustrated, all I could think of was “getting even,” or having you
side with me and really landing on her hard. Trying to get
through to her!” |
-
Reports and acknowledges her emotional Self-focus without guilt or
shame (Self affirmation);
-
Implies (a) affirmation of Jim’s needs for information and compromise,
and (b) agreement with his trial solution;
|
| Both: “So when
should we meet?” They chuckle and smile at each other in the dark.
Raquel (their Spaniel) lifts her head and stares at her people, ears alert. |
|
| Jim: “One option
is to include Georgie on that decision. We can tell her tonight that we
need another three-way, because we have a loyalty conflict to fix …”
Rae chortles sarcastically “She’ll be thrilled!” He grimaces.
“Yeh, really.” |
|
|
Rae: “So, what if
she says she won’t?”
|
-
Foresees a resolution-process problem, and invites strategizing together;
|
| Jim:
“I think we should tell her we need
her help - which is true! If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to pull rank
and make it a
|
-
Proposes an
as a couple, with a less desirable backup
plan.
-
Supports Rae by taking responsibility for his daughter’s attendance.
|
| Effective
Couple's Dialog |
Process Observations |
| Rae: “Yeah, I agree.”
She brushes a wisp of hair from her eyes. “Then I guess I should use
an
about … uh …how her leaving the towel on the
floor, and dishes not rinsed makes me really angry.”
|
|
| Jim: “Would it fit OK to
say those things make you resentful? I worry that ‘angry’ would
hook her defensiveness, and her hearing’d turn off.” Rae nods.
“Yeah, that’d be better.”
|
-
Both take their time and seek the best way - as co-parenting partners
- to make a win-win-win compromise happen.
They focus on the problem
and resolution
not on attacking the girl or each other.
|
| Rae: “By the way, I think
we need to explain to Nickie that this loyalty conflict really
doesn’t involve him. You don’t need him at this meeting, right?”
|
-
Considers Jim’s and her son’s needs, and whether her son’s
presence would hinder or help their resolution meeting;
|
| Jim: “No. I think
you’re right, Hon - he’d probably distract Georgie by getting a
giant smug attack.” Rae grimaces and smiles. “So let’s get back
to the ‘I’ message. How will you say what you want from her?”
|
-
Rae feels heard and acknowledged as an equal partner;
-
Jim refocuses on their resolution process, and leaves Rae responsible
for stating her need to Georgia;
|
| Rae: “OK, I say
…‘Georgia, when you leave your wet towel on the floor, and the
washcloth on the sink, I feel our bathroom’s a mess. Then I feel I
have to pick up after you, or nag you.
Either way, I start to
resent you. I don’t like that. I want to find a way to solve
this with you without it turning into a big
Rae looks at
Jim. “How’s that sound?”
|
|
| Jim puts his arm around his
wife and hugs her. “I like how that feels - like respectful of her
and you together. How’d I get so lucky, eh?”
|
|
| Rae: “We’re not done
yet. If Georgia does her normal ‘I don’t know…’ or ‘well, I
don’t have any ideas’ numbers, I can’t brainstorm with a
non-partner…”
|
-
Again, using history and a little sarcasm, Rae forecasts possible
paths their meeting might take, and invites brainstorming.
|
| Jim: “Two things: first,
that’s when we use
and then you repeat your
I-message.” Rae nods.
“Then if she doesn’t pitch in, I’ll say
I also need her to be considerate of the three of us in picking up after
herself. Maybe we need a hamper in the corner…” |
|
| Rae: “And who’s
job would it be to empty this hamper so we don’t get mildewy?”
|
-
Begins to lose focus and forecast a different problem;
|
| Jim: “Whoa, Hon -
one thing at a time, OK? I guess I’m jumping the gun, too.”
He
looks at his watch. “Let’s stick to just planning our loyalty
conflict meeting. It’s getting a little late.”
|
|
| Rae: “How time
flies, etc., eh? You know, I feel pretty beat now, Jim. I don’t
think we should talk to Georgia tonight.
"If she is willing to problem-solve, I’d rather be more alive. How ‘bout we ask her now
to meet with us right after dinner tomorrow?” |
|
| Jim: “Good call.
Oh, but Rae, I think she has Drama Club after dinner tomorrow…”
|
-
Joins Rae in trying to pick a suitable time for all three of them.
|
For
brevity, we’ll stop “observing” to Jim and Rae’s process here. I
hope you see some key points in the verbal resolution process they
use:
-
Acting as
mutually-respectful team-mates, including neither
partner putting themselves
1-down;
-
Helping each other to stay focused on their resolution process,
vbs. getting hooked into these
-
Helping each other to identify and
stay focused on
one problem at a time;
-
Respecting Jim’s daughter's (Georgia's) needs equally with their own;
-
Knowing and
using effective-communication basics and skills appropriately;
-
Choosing to take a lot of non-distracted
couple time (in this case away from
their home) to work together toward a win-win resolution of their
family loyalty conflict. Implication; both mates genuinely (vs.
dutifully) rank marital problem-solving (need fulfillment) high among
their respective
-
Verbally and non-verbally affirming and
each other dynamically,
as they work toward resolution; and …
-
Acknowledging their
respective current needs (discomforts) without apology, guilt, or
shame.
Rae’s surface need is keeping their
bathroom neat. The primary needs beneath
that are to feel...
-
respected by her Self, her
stepdaughter, and her husband;
-
heard and supported by her husband, and...
-
in charge of
her own home. Rae also needs to...
-
guard against her son's feeling ignored and unimportant, and
to reassure him clearly this loyalty conflict doesn’t involve him (so far).
Jim’s
surface need is
to “fix” the conflict between his wife and his daughter without
damaging any of their three relationships. His underlying primary
needs include...
-
keeping
his self respect
-
reducing his anxiety and some misplaced
about
this loyalty conflict, and...
-
staying balanced and grounded: i.e. to keep
this conflict in perspective, and balance working on it with other current
personal, stepfamily, and work goals and tensions.
I suggest you
re-read the
first (lose-lose) example of the “other” Rae and Jim now to increase
your awareness of the differences between effective and ineffective
problem-solving. Review the steps of effective
problem-solving, and identify if and when each step occurred in the win-win example.
Note that we didn’t go far enough to
see if everyone (including Georgia and Nickie)
got their primary needs met.
Notice also that the two communication-process
examples
were presented in two columns. The left column was a
of events
(what Rae and Jim did and said). The right column non-judgmentally
summarized the communication
that was  unfolding in and between
them.
This is what the skill of
reveals. What could you learn if you
partners tried out non-judgmentally assessing
a recent conflict-process between you and your partner in the same two-column
way? A more thorough way to assess is using communication-sequence
See the many other
Web-page
articles and worksheets comprising
Project-2
here: learn and use
and teach them to your kids
and interested others. Option -
invest in the Project-2 guidebook
Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know
(Xlibris.com, 2002).
The book
integrates the key Web articles here, and gives links to others. Option: read
more about win-win problem-solving.
Note that lose-lose and win-win communication happens all the time among the
dynamic
that comprise your
Restated - you can learn
to use effective-communication basics and skills between your wise, resident Self
(capital "S") and other
subselves for win-win outcomes! Notice your reaction to that...
Recap
This three-page article illustrates key themes in
ineffective (lose-lose) and effective (win-win)
communication between a typical stepfamily couple. Their surface problem is
a loyalty conflict with the husband caught "in the middle" between his
second wife and his custodial bio-daughter.
Each mate, and the stepdaughter, have a group of underlying
(discomforts) promoting this conflict. In this example, the partners try to
these and resolve them as mutually-respectful teammates, vs. adversaries.
For more perspective, see these articles on effective communication
between mates and ex
mates, this reprint on "avoiding couple karate,"
and/or scan this index of Project-2 resources for
many other options.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's answering that question - your
or
+ + +
<< Prior page
/ Add to favorites
/ Print page
/ Email this article's address
/ Project-2 index >>
home
/ site overview
/
directory /
site map
/
Q&A /
/
solutions
/
site search
/
glossary
research /
free course /
guidebooks
/
NEW
forums /
resources / feedback
and/or subscribe / *
Updated
August 27, 2008
|