1)
You're unsure if your partner is willing to receive a
meta-comment now:
"(Name), are you open to some
feedback about how
we're talking now?" (What if s/he isn't?)
2)
Something feels
wrong between you and your partner, but
you don't know what:
"(Partner's name), I need to be quiet
for a bit. Something's not feeling right about us to me, and it's making it hard for me to
listen to you now. Can you wait with me while I try to get clearer?"
3)
You feel 1-up or 1-down
toward your partner (vs. = / = mutual respect):
"I want to own that I'm feeling critical of you now,
and it's getting in my way"; or "I don't know why, but I
feel intimidated by you now. Would you be willing to shift (from the present subject) now
and take a look at that with me?"
4)
You're unsure what your partner's
communication
are:
"I'm confused, (name).
What do you need from
me now?"
5)
Your
communication goal doesn't seem to
match
your partner's:
"I sense that our communication
now.
I need to
______. What do you need from me now?"
6)
You're
distracted by
something, and can't focus on your partner:
"(Name), I'm feeling really distracted by
_______________. Could I take care of that and resume with you at (specific time)?"
7)
You want to express
at your partner safely:
"(Name), I am REALLY irritated and frustrated with you
because (specific behavior)! Are you in a place to use
with me on this? If
you're not, I need to agree on a time when we can work on this! I'm so mad so I
can't hear your side of it right now."
8)
You want to express
gratitude or
praise to your partner - and be heard:
"(Name), when you (describe their specific behavior),
I feel really (grateful / proud of you / appreciative...), because (specific reason).
Thanks / Nice job!" This is an assertive
9)
You don't feel
safe to talk honestly
with your partner:
"I'm pretty nervous about saying this... (Name), I
can't be really honest with you about (specific subject). I'm scared that
(specific
reason). Will you problem-solve with me on this?"
10)
You don't understand your partner's current thoughts:
"I'm confused. Could you make your point another way?"
or ...
"Could you recap your ideas in a few sentences?" I want to be clearer on what you mean."
Another useful option is to use
11)
You're bored by your
partner:
"(Name), I'm sorry. I have to admit I'm having
a hard time staying interested in (their topic) right now. Maybe I can hear
you better another time."
12)
Your partner seems 1-up: i.e. you currently feel
put
down or discounted because s/he: constantly interrupts you / talks non-stop /
changes the subject before you're done / ignores or derides your ideas / name-calls / works
while you talk / is sarcastic / avoids your eyes, etc.
"When you (specific current behavior),
I feel my needs aren't very important to you. I feel ignored,
("...and I want you to stop doing that.")
13)
Your partner seems 1-down:
e.g.
s/he discounts (disparages) her/his own current feelings, needs, or thoughts.
"(Name), when you say 'I'm probably
wrong again' (or other specific behavior), I feel you put yourself down,
and I get very uneasy / uncomfortable / ________."
14)
Your partner is (now or often) uncomfortably curt or
silent:
"Looks like you need to be brief / quiet now."
or...
"Am I doing anything that stops you from saying what you're thinking or feeling?"
or
"What do you need from me now?"
15)
Your partner
(often?) leaves before
you're done:
"When you take off before I finish our
(talk /
issue / conversation), I feel unimportant, frustrated, and put down! I
need to know if I'm doing something that blocks your talking with
me. Will you work on that with me?"
16)
Your partner
frequently (or now) won't
look at you:
"When you avoid my eyes so much, I feel uneasy and
distracted from what you're saying." ("Do you have some problem with me right
now?")
17)
Your partner brings up an
old
conflict you thought was ended:
"(Name), I get REALLY
when
you bring up (specific old issue) again and again! I feel punished,
attacked, and weary! What do you need from me so you could
let go of
(this
specific issue)?
This problem usually indicates your partner
isn't aware of what s/he really
from you, and repeatedly focuses on
surface
issues.
can disclose the primary unmet needs, and
the
can help to fill them.
18)
Your partner
rambles on
and on:
"Whoa (fingers in ears)! I feel swamped. You're
saying so much! When you need to do that, It gets hard for me to hear you after a
while." ("You don't really need any input from me right now, yes?")
Or:
"(Name), when you talk on and on
without asking for my response or asking about me, I feel increasingly used,
hurt, and resentful. Can we talk about this?"
19)
Your partner sends a
(their words don't match their body / face / tone):
"Please stop, (Name) - I'm getting
confused. Your face looks (specific emotion: sad / angry / bored...), but you
say
you're not. What gives?" (Note: sending frequent double or
"mixed" messages is a clear sign of false-self
20)
Your partner makes (wrong)
assumptions
about you - e.g. s/he finish your sentences, or tell you what you're thinking,
feeling, wanting, or really meaning:
"(Name), I'm starting to resent your making assumptions
about me. When you tell me what I'm 'really' feeling or thinking, I feel 1-down and
ignored by you. I feel like I'm the kid, and you're the adult. (... And I'm going to call
you on it when I notice you 'mind-reading' me, because I really need you to stop
it.)"
21)
Your partner uses information
you've shared to attack or criticize you:
"Name), I feel really betrayed by you. I
trusted you with (specific information), and I'm feeling like you're using it against me.
I'm feeling a lot less safe in confiding in you!"
22)
Your partner says you're playing
communication or mind games:
"So you feel manipulated or conned by me just
now..." (Wait for a response...) If "yes":
"I'm pretty frustrated that you feel that way. I'm
trying to tell you honestly what I (think / feel / want), and to clearly hear what
you
need." ("What is it I'm doing that makes you feel that way?" or
"What do you need me to change?")
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/meta-wks.htm
