Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Metatalk Skill Talk Together Cooperatively  About How You're Communicating By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/metatalk.htm

        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills  that are essential for building satisfying relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-1 and Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

  Metatalk Communication Skill

       "Meta-writing" is writing about writing. "Meta-singing" is singing about singing. "Metatalk" is taking about communicating - i.e. cooperative discussion between partners about their shared communication process. Use this skill to verbally describe your communication awareness so you can affirm what works, and improve what doesn't.

        Rather than talking about "our fight last night," Metatalk focuses on "how we're talking now about our fight last night." Mutually-respectful Metatalk is an essential skill for identifying and resolving communication problems. Fluency with this skill can also help you discover and reduce significant false-self wounds ( Project 1).

       Growing your Metatalk skill involves...

• learning some or all of the communication concepts and terms below, and...

• using them strategically to help identify, discuss, and fix internal and social communication glitches.

        Effective thinking and communication are learned arts vs. a science, because they are shaped by emotions and unconscious impulses, thoughts, and associations as well as logic.  It is the main skill we depend on to get our personal and social needs met throughout our waking lives - yet most people never study it. Have you?

        Just as skilled tradespeople and artisans develop their own concepts and terms, we communication artists need to do the same. The paradox and social tragedy is that most of us receive no training in these vital concepts, though we need to use them every day of our lives. The good news: we can learn them any time!

Reality check: could you teach someone clearly (say a beloved child in your life...) what each of these ~50 concepts means now? Could your key partners do that? Are your kids learning these well enough? What if you or they don't?

        Motivator: most of the hundreds of troubled family adults I've met since 1979 are unaware of most of these concepts, so they have consistent trouble problem-solving the conflicts they encounter in their relationships. Unawareness is often a major contributor to marital and family stress and ineffective or harmful childcare.

        Learning these concepts, and using them with =/= (mutual respect) attitudes, can greatly improve your communication productivity and effectiveness - if your true Self steadily guides your other busy subselves. 

        Notice your self talk now...

  What Does Metatalk Sound Like?

       Recall: metatalk is talking cooperatively about your communication process. Each of us develops our own metatalk style and vocabulary, but the theme remains constant: clear, objective descriptions of our communication awareness (observations).

       Imagine that you’re talking with someone who repeatedly interrupts you. You notice this because  you've learned to maintain a two-person awareness bubble in important discussions. You note that you're feeling disrespected, hurt, unheard, and increasingly irritated and frustrated. You then consciously decide to make a firm, respectful meta-comment, like …

"Chris, I notice that pretty often you start to talk before I'm finished. I'm not feeling heard by you, and I'm starting to get irritated and frustrated."

You could stop there, or you might add...

"Were you aware of doing that?"; or … "I'd like you to let me finish saying my thoughts." The latter is an assertion.

       Another scenario: your communication partner laughs, and says: "I just had the most unbelievable fight with my sister. It was awful!" You feel confused, and say (a meta-comment):

"I just got a double message from you, Burt, and I'm not sure what you're really feeling. Your words were: 'the fight was awful', but you chuckled and smiled. I'm confused."

       Notice how this message would change if your voice tone was blameful [implied R(espect)-message: "I’m 1-up"] or apologetic (implied R-message: "I’m 1-down"). Teamed with focused process-awareness, metatalking skill is vital, because it’s the input to identifying (then solving) interpersonal communication problems.

       Awareness, empathy, and metatalk can help you give empowering feedback to a communication partner. For metatalk guidelines and more examples of how metatalk sounds in 22 common communication situations, see this.


 Reality Checks

• Can you clearly define now: (a) effective communication (how do you know if you're doing it?); (b) awareness skill, and (c) metatalk?

• See how many of the communication concepts above you can clearly describe to another person. The more of them partners can define, the better able you'll be to spot and resolve communication blocks and improve your communication effectiveness (get more needs met(.

• Once you understand these concepts, practice becoming nonjudgmentally aware of them among your busy subselves and the adults and kids around you ...

Recap 

        This article is one of a series introducing communication basics and seven powerful skills any motivated person can learn, to get more needs met more often. The article introduces the skill of metatalk - talking clearly and cooperatively with a partner about your process-awareness observations - i.e. about how you communicate.

        This skill requires (a) your Self to guide your personality, (b) a steady two-person awareness bubble,  (c) a genuine mutual-respect attitude, and (d) learning to use a special descriptive vocabulary of common communication elements and dynamics.

        Use these and the related six skills to identify significant communication problems and reduce them together - as teammates, not opponents!

      Options:

• If you haven't recently, try this communication quiz, or

• review these communication fundamentals; or...

• Study these examples of metatalk in action; or...

• Learn about win-win problem-solving.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering this question - your true Self or "someone else"?

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Updated October 03, 2008