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This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote
relationship and family health and satisfactions. This briefintroductiondescribes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this
information. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional
help.
This article is one of a
series describing effective thinking, communicating, and
problem-solving. The series summarizes
seven learnable communication
(relationship)
skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and
resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.
The unique guidebook
Satisfactions
(Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key
Project-2 Web
articles in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many
practical resources.
Before continuing, pause and reflect: why are you reading this -
what do
you
need?
Perspective
Reflect - how do you define "a problem," and how many "problems" are you
faced with in an average day? How effective are you at "solving" them?
From one (I am never effective at problem-solving)
to ten (I'm
consistently effective at problem solving),
how do you rate your recent
effectiveness? ___ Keep this in mind as you read. Option -
also identify and keep in mind a person you feel is a very effective
conflict or problem-solver.
See
how you feel about these premises...
human needs are dynamic physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts, which range
between minor to intense, and local to chronic.
All personal and interpersonal "problems" are
unfilled needs.
Conflicts are needs that clash ("I need to talk,
and you need to sleep."), and...
All communication (i.e. all behavior)
instinctively aims to reduce (fill, satisfy) each person's current
conscious and unconscious needs.
For more perspective, compare these
premises about typical
relationship problems with what you believe.
From
this view, "problem-solving skill"
is an intentional communication process
within
and between people
seeking to fill their respective needs. This
learnable skill can also be called "conflict resolution," when
personal and/or social needs clash. It requires (a) knowledge of
communication basics (b) fluency in six
other communication
skills.
and (c) each person to be
guided
by their
true Self.
Effective problem solving occurs when (a) each person
gets their current primary needs met well enough (in their opinion), (b)
in a way that feels good enough" to all people involved. This is most
likely if all involved believe that...
meeting allpartners'
current
primary needs (vs. mine or
yours) is the
common goal; and that...
this shared communication process
(a) is the best available
option, and (b) probably will succeed well enough for everyone involved.
Popular alternatives to effectiveproblem-solving are...
fighting
analyzing
preaching
nagging
catastrophizing
threatening
arguing
rationalizing
whining
manipulating
obsessing
repressing
demanding
explaining
complaining
hinting
joking
withdrawing
blaming
lecturing
worrying
denying
procrastinating
submitting
See any favorites? Do they
usually reduce your and your partner's discomforts well enough? These behaviors
are common because average people (a) have significant psychological
wounds
and don't (want to) know it, and (b) have never learned communication basics
and skills. Both factors can be intentionally reduced, once understood and
accepted!
Note that the communication basics and skills apply equally to interactions
among your busy
per-sonality subselves,
as well as to the adults and kids in your life.
What might your life feel like if
you doubled the effectiveness of your internal communication
and
problem solving? You really can learn to do this, using the ideas in
Project 1
and
Project 2
here!
Compare this non-crisis framework with your normal way of problem-solving.
For perspective on managing personal and family
crises, see these ideas.
Nine
Problem-solving Steps
The
basic problem-solving process is (conceptually) simple, except for the first
step...
Step 1) Effective
communication rarely happens inside and between
people with
low self-esteems - partly because they don't really
feel they have the right to
assert and fill
their needs, vs. other's needs("I'm
being selfish!") Do you agree?
My clinical experience since 1981 is that
80% or more of typical adults in troubled,
divorcing,
and
step
families are shame-based (wounded) people in protective
denial. So the first step you and
any partner can take toward improving your
problem-solving
outcomes is to
honestly
assess whether
either of you are enduring significant psychological
wounds.
Notice your thoughts and feelings as you read this...
If you are significantly wounded,
expect to hit personal
bottom sometime in mid-life. Then you'll be ready to evolve and
work a
high-priority personal
wound-reduction program
that aims to...
free your wise resident true
Self to manage most situations, and...
gradually convert excessive shame into genuine dignity,
self-respect, and
non-egotistical
self-love.
While you progress at this, also commit to
growing proficient at these seven communication
skills.
Step
2) Acknowledge honestly that you have a conflict
(need-clash)
(a)
within yourself and/or (b) with your partner/s; without excessive guilt, anxiety, or
shame.
Ineffective (lose-lose) alternatives:
repress, deny, defer, minimize, self-distract, rationalize, and/or avoid the reality of
the current conflict; and/or...
acknowledge the conflict, and
give the responsibility of
resolving it to someone else (i.e. "expect a miracle", or adopt
a martyr orvictim stance);
Step 3) Use awareness skill to doE(motion)-level,attitude,focus,
and time checks.
If...
No one's
E-level is "above their ears"
(so they can't hear well); and...
Allpeople involved seem to feel "We're
mutually-respectfulteammates now (vs. opponents)," and ...
Everyone expects win-win problem-solving to
fill your respective needs well enough,
and ...
Everyone wants to set aside enough
undistracted time right now (e.g. 15" - 30" or more);...
then go ahead. Otherwise, (a) use respectful
empathic listening to bring E(motion)-levels down
below the ears, and/or
(b) make achieving mutual-respect
("=/=")
attitudes your first shared problem-solving goal, and/or
(c) mutually agree on a
block of undistracted time in the near future to problem-solve together.
Step 4) Agree (out loud, at first) to problem-solve
together. Note and reduce or eliminate any major emotional or physical
distractions with awareness and
metatalk;
Step 5) Useawareness, clear thinking, metatalk, empathic listening, and assertion
skills cooperatively to
dig down below your surface
needs to identify the
primary discomforst (needs) motivating each of you now.
Option - review and try a
solo or duo practice exercise.
For instance, "I need the car at 3:30"
is a surfaceneed. The underlying primary need is "I need security:
i.e. assurance that I have a reliable,
convenient-enough way to (a) make my 3:30 dental appointment across town on time,
and then (b) return here no later than 5:45." If discovering your
primary
needs
evokes strong reactions like
shame, guilt, anxiety,
or resentment, acknowledge the feelings
honestly - vs. pretend, collapse, flee, or other.
This primary-need-discovery step
takes time and patience! Shortcutting this step in
important situations steeplyraises the odds someone
won't get their underlying needs met, and will then lose confidence and interest in this
problem-solving framework. Help each
other develop your dig-down skills!
Step 6)Use awareness, assertion, and
empathic listening, to confirm that each person clearly
(a) understands
their ownprimary needs and their
partner/s' primary needs, and each person (b) values everyone's needs
equally now (shared mutual-respect attitudes).
Popular alternatives to this are...
mind-read your
partner (assume you know their needs);
don't bother
discriminatingbetween surface and
primary needs in important situations; and/or...
rush the process and look for a quick
solution.
None of these
is likely to fill everyone's primary needs, and the "problem/s" (i.e. needs) will
return in some form.
Step 7) Decide together if your conflict is
(a) internal, (b) abstract,
(c) concrete,
and/or (d)
a current communication-needs clash. Then set your problem-solving goals accordingly:
If your conflict is abstract(e.g.
conflicting opinions or values, like "I like fish; you prefer red meat"), aim to
(a) compromise or (b)
agree to
respectfully disagree without blame or shame.
Trying to persuade or convert your partner implies "My
way is better - I'm 1-up here, and you’re 1-down." As a consistent communication
style, attempting such "persuasions" (do what I want) promotes
resentment, frustration, and disinterest.
If you disagree over something
concrete - like
both needing the car or checkbook at the same time, creatively
all possible solutions, no matter how weird. Nutty ideas can lead
unexpectedly to win/win outcomes. This step is not a contest. It
can be fun - even hilarious, if
E(motion) levels are down, and nobody feels overly 1-down,
pressured, insecure, or anxious.
If your present communication
needs clash, use
metatalk to
acknowledge this (e.g. "I need to vent, and you seem too distracted to really listen
to me now.") Then cooperatively focus all seven skills on aligning your respective
communication needs within local limitations.
Typical interpersonal
problems have elements of several or all four of
these conflicts going on at once! This is why
building awareness and metatalk
skills is so vitalto long-range relationship success!
Step 8)
Mutually pick the best-fit from
your solution options and see if each partner is genuinelysatisfied
enough.
If not, avoid blaming anyone. Recheck your attitudes and expectations
(step 3), and consider recycling steps 3 > 7 if time and energy allow.
Step 9) If this problem-solving
process works well-enough
for everyone, appreciate
yourselves and each other!.Option: explore why
your process
worked well together. If your process "sort of" succeeded - or didn't - help
each other avoid self and mutual criticism. Work to agree on how to
problem-solve differently the
next time.
Your steady communication-skill goal is "progress, not
perfection!"
+ + +
How do these
nine problem
solving steps compare with your current way of responding to personal
and social conflict?How
well do you and your partner/s resolve internal, abstract, concrete, and
communication-need
conflicts now?
Consider that most people (like you?) have never been taught (a) communication
basics,
(b) these
nine win-win problem-solving steps, or (c) the
other six communication
skills.
Do you believethat
practicing
these steps would eventually get more of your and your partners' needs met? Notice your
self-talk now. Is there anything blocking your trying these
seven
related communication skills and this problem-solving framework? To learn more about your current
problem-solving habits, try
mapping your
usual
conflict-resolution
sequence with a key partner(mate, child,
parent, friend, co-worker...). Do this to explore
and help each other, not to shame, blame, or triumph.
Pause and
reflect:
can you name any investment of energy and time (other than
reducing
significant false-self wounds) that would be more
valuable to you and your kids and partner/s than
strengthening your shared communication skills? Are you really motivated to do so
now? Is your partner? What if you aren't?
Learn
communication basics, all seven
skills, and more in the
practical guidebook Satisfactions - 7 relationship skill you need to know
(Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates all the key Project-2
Web articles and resources into a convenient reference book.
The next page
in this Project-2 series is a worksheet which summarizes
30
common
communication blocks. See which you and your family members use, or scan the
Project-2 index
for related articles and worksheets.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this problem-solving summary?
Did you get what you needed? If not, what
do
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident
true Self
(capital "S") or
"someone else"?
This
article wasvery
helpful
somewhat helpful
not
helpful
>>
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/prblmslv.htm
Perspective
The next page
in this Project-2 series is a worksheet which summarizes
30