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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series proposes seven learnable communication skills  that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        All relationships between people (and among personality subselves) encounter stressful problems. This article outlines steps anyone can use to reduce or resolve significant relationship problems. These steps assume basic communication knowledge + key attitudes + fluency in seven learnable communica-tion skills. Except for the first step, this problem-solving process is conceptually simple.

Premises: a problem is one or more unfilled primary needs - i.e. emotional, physical, and/or spiritual discomforts. A conflict occurs when two or more internal and/or social needs clash. ("I need to talk and you need to sleep.") Effective problem-solving and conflict-resolution (a) satisfy everyone's current primary needs well enough, (b) in a mutually-acceptable way. Do you agree?

  To increase your perspective, review these premises, and the problem-solving basics in this slide presentation. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this. For perspective on managing crises effec-tively, see this.

Basic Problem-solving Steps

        The more you practice these steps, the easier and more automatic they'll become...

        1)  Put your true Self in charge of your personality. Effective conflict resolution rarely happens inside or between people with significant false-self wounds - often because they don't really feel they deserve to assert and fill their needs, vs. other's needs [inner voice: "I'm being selfish! (bad)"].

        So the first step is to honestly assess whether you and/or your partner/s are guided by your respective true Selves. If not, (a) lower your problem-solving expectations, (b) try to empower your Selves (capital "S"), and (c) work patiently at family Project 1.

        2)  Prepare: to get more of your needs met, first read and discuss...

• these basic premises about you, and relationship problems, to learn what you currently believe.

• this brief summary of how human needs rank;

• these premises about first-order (temporary) and second-order (permanent) changes, and surface and primary needs,

• this outline of seven related effective-communication skills; and...

• this seven-step framework for effectively analyzing any relationship problem.

        3)  Acknowledge honestly that you have a conflict (a) within yourself and/or (b) with your partner/s without excessive guilt, anxiety, or shame.

        Alternatives: repress, deny, defer, minimize, self-distract, rationalize, and/or avoid the reality of the current conflict; and/or acknowledge the conflict, and assign the responsibility of confronting and resolving it to someone else (i.e. "expect a miracle", or adopt a victim/martyr stance and create a relationship triangle).

        4)  Do E(motion)-level, respect-attitude, and time checks, via awareness skill. If...

• No one's hearing seems blocked by physical discomfort or intense emotions (i.e. their E-level is "below their ears"), and...

• All people involved (a) seem to feel "We're mutually-respectful teammates now, vs. opponents," and (b) have other key attitudes; and...

• You both/all expect problem-solving to probably work (fill everyone's current needs), and...

• You both/all can set aside enough undistracted time right now (e.g. 15" or more)...

... then go ahead. Otherwise (a) use respectful empathic listening to bring E-levels down "below the ears," , (b) make achieving mutual-respect attitudes your first shared problem-solving goal, and/or (c) mutually agree on a block of undistracted time in the near future to problem-solve together.

        5)  Agree (out loud, at first) to problem-solve together. Note and reduce any major emotional or physical distractions (use process awareness and metatalk);

6) Cooperatively use awareness, metatalk, empathic listening, and assertion skills to "dig down" below your surface needs to find the true discomforts (needs) motivating each of you now.

        7)  Use empathic listening ("hearing checks") to confirm that each person clearly (a) understands  their own primary needs, (b) their partner/s' primary needs, and (c) values everyone's needs equally now (shares mutual-respect attitudes). Popular alternatives to this step include...

• mind-read your partner (assume you know their needs);

• ignore someone's needs (attitude: "I'm 1-up");

• don't bother discriminating between surface and real needs; and/or...

• rush the process and seek a quick fix.

None of these are likely to fill your primary needs, and the "problem" (i.e. the needs or values clash) will keep recurring.

        8) Check to see if your problem is from how you're communication (problem-solving), rather than what you disagree about. To explore this, try...

• mapping your recent communication sequences with your partner/s, and...

• compare your findings to these common communication blocks. Then...

• adapt these tips and useful phrases to fit your situation as mutually-respectful partners, not opponents.

If you have trouble doing this, suspect that false-self wounds in one or more of you are interfering.

        Step 9)  Decide together if your conflict is (a) abstract, (b) concrete, and/or (c) a current communication-needs clash. Then set your current problem-solving goals accordingly:

If your clash is abstract (e.g. conflicting opinions or values, like "I like fish; you prefer red meat"), aim to...

• compromise, or...

• agree to respectfully disagree, without blame or shame. 

Trying to convert your partner implies "My way is better - I'm 1-up here, and you’re 1-down". As a consistent communication style, attempting such "persuasions" (do what I want) promotes hurt, resentment, and frustrations, which corrode relationship satisfaction.

If you disagree over something concrete (like both needing the car or checkbook at the same time), creatively brainstorm and pool all possible solutions, no matter how weird.

        Nutty ideas can lead unexpectedly to win/win outcomes. This step is not a contest. It can be fun - even hilarious - if E(motion)-levels are down, and nobody feels overly 1-down, pressured, insecure, or anxious;

If your present communication needs clash, use metatalk to acknowledge this (e.g. "I need to vent, and you seem too distracted to really listen to me now"). Then together, focus all seven skills on aligning your respective communication needs.

Typical interpersonal conflicts have elements of all three of these conflicts going on at once! Added to that are the arguments going on inside each participant. This is why co-parents' building effective awareness and metatalk skills is vital to building a high-nurturance family!

        10) Assess - ideally with your partner/s - whether part of your problem is caused by a values conflict, a loyalty conflict, and one or more relationship triangles.

• with values conflicts, strive for mutually-respectful compromises: agreements to disagree. Stressful alternatives include trying to manipulate, persuade, or convert your partner to agree with you - which is inherently disrespectful ("I know better than you...");

• with loyalty conflicts, discuss and choose among these options.

• with relationship triangles, discuss and choose among these options.

        Step 11)  Assess whether any of you are (a) trying to control something you can't control, and/or (b) you expect something of a partner that _ s/he can't or won't give you willingly, or _ can only be given spontaneously.

        12)  Pick the best-fit option from your "solution pool" together, and see if each partner is really satisfied enough. If not, avoid blaming or persuading either of you. Recheck your attitudes and expectations (step 2), and consider recycling steps 3 - 11 if time and energy allow.

        13) If problem-solving works well enough for everyone, appreciate each other. Option: explore why it worked well together. If your process "sort of" succeeded or didn't, help each other avoid inner and outer criticism, and discuss how to try it differently the next time. Your communication-skill goal is "progress, not perfection"!

        How do these steps compare to how you usually react to personal and social problems? Note that the guidebook for Project 2 - building effective communication skills based on a Self-led personality - integrates the key Web articles and worksheets in this site

Recap

        This article summarizes a sequence of learnable steps to help motivated people effectively resolve typical internal and social problems - unfilled needs. The steps build on these basics, and use these seven powerful skills. The effectiveness of these steps depends on whether all people involved are guided by their true Selves throughout their shared negotiation process.

        What would your life feel like if you used a version of these problem-solving steps to get your current needs met twice as often as you do now? How are you teaching any young people in your life to fill their personal and social needs?

        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this summary. Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or "someone else."?

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