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This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote
relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief
introduction
describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this
information. Each article is part of a
mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll
all make.
This article is one of a
series describing effective thinking, communicating, and
problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication
(relation-ship)
that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving
social conflicts effectively.
The unique guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key
Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many
practical resources.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional
help.
Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you
+ + +
Premises
See how you feel about these proposals, based on over 40 years' clinical
research and experience:
Any perceived human
behavior that causes an emotional,
or physical change in another
person is communication. Living things
communicate to fill
needs - i.e. to reduce or avoid current dis-comforts.
Infants, kids, and adults in
relationships semi-consciously decode up to four messages at once
from each other - what you feel + think + need + and how you feel about you
and me now. These messages are conveyed by dynamic face and voice dynamics
and body language as we communicate together. Profes-sional communicators
describe these concurrent decoded messages as embedded in the flow of
verbal or written words.
One of
universal communication-motivators is the
powerful need for respect.
When
typical kids and adults don't feel genuine self respect ("esteem") and/or
respected enough by their communication partners,
their
rises "above their ears," and their ability to
hear
and communicate effectively plummet.
Starting in infancy, we instinctively interpret signals from our eyes, ears,
and skin to assess how each communication partner feels about us at the
moment. We unconsciously decode others' eyes, faces, bodies, and
sounds (including silence) to mean one of three R(espect)-messages
(attitudes):
 |
"I'm 1-up (superior) to you
right now. My needs, opinions, worth, and welfare are more important to me
than yours are." 1-up messages are implied when another person's
seems to exclude us (or
anyone) now or over time. The extreme form of a 1-up R-message is
decoded as "You feel I don't exist." Or we decode the other
person feels... |
 |
"I'm 1-down (inferior) to you
now. Your needs, opinions, worth, and welfare are more important to me
than mine are." The awareness bubble of someone who's behavior sends this
R-message often excludes themselves, and focuses mainly on their
partner's thoughts, feelings, needs, and actions. If chronic, this may indicate
the condition of
(relationship addiction) - a common symptom
of false-self
Communication is most apt to be mutually
if each partner steadily decodes this: |
| = |
"I feel
we're equals in human dignity
and worth now. I rank your needs, opinions, worth, and welfare as being
just as important as my own." When partners share this
mutual respect
at-titude, they can be said to exchange
"equal-equal" ("=/=")
R-messages. |
Most people (like you?) aren't
of
the R-messages they send and receive, and how powerfully they shape
communication outcomes, expectations, and relationships.
(wounded)
adults and kids (i.e. their ruling
often
unconsciously misinterpret other people's
verbal and nonverbal behaviors to mean "I-m 1-up. I don't respect or care about you now."
Then their subselves
react with (hurt), resentment, aggression, and/or withdrawal.
Typical people
ruled by a
will earnestly
say "I respect and care about
you," but their non-verbal behavior says "I'm superior to you - my
needs, opinions, and worth are more important to me than yours are."
If chronic or
denied, this kind of confusing
degrades communication
and relationships. True (vs. pseudo)
personal
reduces double messages, over time.
Respect Zones
Notice that in any relationship,
there are different respect "zones" or levels. Depending on our
roles,
expectations, and values, we can feel a mix of respects about another person...
-
as a whole person ("I don't respect Pat at
all."), or...
-
as a female or male, boy or girl, or a man
or woman; or...
-
in one or more social roles, like mate,
parent, sibling, friend, co-worker, boss, neighbor, salesperson, voter,
service-provider, customer, client, stranger, foreigner, authority, etc.
("Max is a good person and father, and an irresponsible mechanic.")
So one person may respect another as, say, a
human, man, woman, and/or a Muslim, and disrespect them as a sister,
co-worker, citizen, lawyer, and so on.
In important cases, using awareness
and metatalk skills to discern
what respect zone is causing 1-up or 1-down R-messages can help to
problem-solve effectively.
Implication
If
you want to improve your communication
with a specific adult or child - or with everyone, start paying
conscious
to (a) the R-messages you receive and send, and (b) the results - who
gets their communication and other needs met, if anyone?
Are you motivated to do this now?
"No" probably means you're dominated by a
well-meaning false self. Notice your
to this opinion...
Response Options
If you notice that you're receiving significant 1-up or 1-down R-messages
from a communication partner, what are your choices? You can...
-
check to see if your true Self is
your
If s/he's not, focus on
your Self before doing anything else. Then you can...
-
do nothing, and accept the communication and
relationship effects of this attitude; or you can...
-
wonder if you're doing something unconscious
that promotes the other person's Respect-attitude toward you - e.g. you
can wonder what R-message s/he is receiving from
you.
Option
- ask the other person ("Are you feeling respected enough by me
now and over time?") If appropriate, ask about one or more respect
zones. ("Are you feeling respected enough by me as a man and as a piano
teacher?") Be alert for a polite double message.
Or you can...
-
factually assess the
you're exchanging. Significant 1-up and 1-down R-messages are
often promoted by a 1-person or no-person bubble - which is a symptom of
false-self control. Option - use
and respectful
to seek spontaneous (vs. dutiful) mutual 2-person bubbles;
-
notice (a) how you feel about the other
person, and (b) how receiving these messages affects you. Typically,
implied 1-up and 1-down R-messages cause degrees of irritation, hurt,
frustration, resentment, and perhaps aggression or distancing in the
receiver - specially if the sender denies them. All of these diminish
communication effectiveness. Once you notice these two things, you
can...
-
decide whether to use an assertive
with your partner, factually describing (a) the R-message you're getting and
(b) how it affects you. Doing this can lead to win-win
problem-solving - if you're both motivated, guided by your Selves, and
know the seven skills.
If these 1-up or 1-down messages are frequent, your partner is probably
ruled by a well-meaning, myopic false self. See this
article for options. If your communication
partner isn't your mate, the principles and options in the article still
apply.
What if You
Don't Respect Someone?
No matter how you try to disguise disrespect 1n some zone,
your behaviors
will "leak" your attitude, and the other person will sense it vaguely or
clearly. In deciding how to handle disrespect, you have several choices:
-
decide whether your
disrespects the other person, or other subselves do. Your Self will
usually feel compassion rather than disapproval - and will
respectfully assert opinions or boundaries to reduce any discomfort you
feel, as appropriate.
-
identify what zones your disrespect applies
to, and decide whether to be honest
about your atti-tude, rather than pretend and send a double message.
-
If you choose honesty, recall the principles of offering effective
feedback to another person - inclu-ding the idea that respectful feedback with no hidden
agendas is a gift, not an attack or ploy;
Or
you can choose to...
"(Name), I'm getting a lot of 1-up (or
1-down) Respect messages from you now, and it's distracting me from
hearing you very well. Will you talk with me about this?"
Status Check
Do you agree that all adults and kids steadily need to feel enough
self-respect and social respect? If not, this concept and article will be of
little use. If so, does the idea of automatically decoding non/verbal
R(espect)-messages in all important social situations make sense to you? To see if
it does, try describing and illustrating the concept to another person. Then
describe why the concept is useful in assessing communication effectiveness.
Also decide if you're willing to
start practicing R-message
with various people in your life. If
so, stay aware that doing
so is not about fault-finding, it's about learning to notice a dynamic that
can potentially block effective communication. This applies equally to
communication among your
dedi-cated subselves! If you're not willing to practice this, suspect
that a
false-self rules you...
Option - widen your perspective by learning about the powerful
technique of
communication
R-messages are one of seven or eight key dynamics that affect most internal
and social communication
There are
many more!
Is there anyone else whom you think would benefit from knowing this
R-message concept?
|
Growing self respect
and fluency in the
communication skills of
and
(talking about how you
communicate) can increase the =/= R-messa-ges you exchange with key
communication partners - and among the dynamic
that comprise your
See this for
perspective. |
For more on building effective
and communication in your
relationships, see these articles, this
slide presentation, these Q&A items, and/or the
Project-2 guidebook
Satisfactions
- 7 relationship skills
You Need to Know (xlibris.com, 2002).
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your
wise resident
(capital "S") or
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