Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents Effective Communication Strategies
for Common Relationship ProblemsGrow confidant in any social situation
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles aug-ment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?
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Do you ever feel unsure of how to respond effectively with certain people or social situations? This article offers response strategies for many common relationship problems. Such problems occur when one or more adults or kids can't get their current primary needs met well enough because of some trait or behavior of another person. With some exceptions, these strategies apply equally to adults, teens, and pre-teens. They're meant to be suggestive, not rigid absolutes.
This article provides...
a definition of an "effective communication response"
requisites for responding to all these situations effectively
steps common to all response strategies
a link-index of common social communication challenges
guidelines for effective responses to each of the challenges below
The ideas below assume you're familiar with these concepts...
normal personality subselves, true Self, and false self - slides or text
how to recognize surface and primary needs
ways to improve communication outcomes with anyone, and with typical kids.
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What's an "Effective Response"?
Is there a "best way" to respond to traits and dynamics like those below? Try answering that out loud. Then compare your definition to this: An "effective response" to behavioral traits like those above meets four conditions:
you accept full responsibility for filling your own needs, and give other (able) people responsibili-ty for filling theirs - without guilt or anxiety;
you're clear on your and their rights as dignified, worthy persons;
you don't model behaviors like these while asking others to change them; and...
after the response, all people involved feel...
fully heard, respected, and satisfied with the outcome - i.e. each person got their current primary needs met, and any boundaries were honored, well enough (in their opinion),
that they followed their own integrities (were true to their values and standards);
felt good enough about the way they interacted together; and everyone feels...
that their relationship/s were protected or enhanced, vs. degraded.
As you gain fluency and confidence using communication skills and strategies like those below, you'll probably meet these response-conditions automatically. Can you think of a recent exchange with someone which met these conditions? If so, recall how you felt afterwards...
To raise the odds that strategies like those below will work for you and others (fill your local primary needs), you need...
your true Self steadily guiding your personality (other subselves) - even in conflicts. Without this, the rest of this article won't help much; and also...
a stable mutual-respect attitude about yourself and any communication partner, regardless of age, knowledge, gender, role, authority, or other differences; and...
clarity and surety about your personal rights; and...
a commitment to yourself that you don't have to endure (be a victim to) unpleasant or frustrating behaviors in other people; and you also need...
to evolve an ability to present respectful feedback to people willing to hear it; and...
an attitude of genuine compassion for significantly- wounded and/or unaware people; and...
the ability to objectively judge if a partner is guided by a true Self or false self; and...
growing fluency in all seven communication skills, including...
the ability to identify current feelings and primary needs;
assertive "I-messages";
"hearing checks" (empathic listening);
awareness "bubbles"; E(motion)-levels , and R(espect) messages.
And finally, you need to develop...
realistic expectations. Learning to respond effectively to "problem partners" will take patience, practice, persistence, empathy, creativity, an open mind, and a sense of humor.
Do any of these requisites seem beyond your mastery now? Can you describe the skills and il-lustrate each of these concepts now? If you're not clear on them, take this self-study course on com-munication basics, and make (vs. "find") times to practice. These requisites are for effective communi-cation in general, not just these situational strategies.
Before studying these strategies, meditate and think of adults and kids in your life now who have any of the annoying communication behaviors in the table above. For each person and trait, think of what your normal response is - like numbing out, tuning out, getting irritated, confronting, complaining, whining, barking, hinting, pleading, name-calling, leaving, etc.
Consider the wisdom of therapists Steve and Carol Lankton: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
Are your normal responses to these people effective? Imagine responding differently, and both of you feeling satisfied and appreciative afterwards.
Tho every person and situation is unique, these relationship dynamics are universal:
aggression / abuse
arrogance / egotism
cynicism
distractions
gender differences
guardedness
major guilts
hostility
ignorance
impatience
indifference
little empathy
disloyalty
low self esteem
(shame)mis-assumptions
nagging
not hearing
over-talking
overwhelm
reactivity
rejection
repetitiveness
sadness / grief
self-centeredness
silence
unawareness
values conflicts
whining
withholding / secrecy
woundedness
Starting in childhood, we develop strategies to respond to these behaviors in other people. Our strategies are usually unconscious, and are often copied from our early caregivers and hero/ines.Without awareness of our response-strategies, we may degrade communication outcomes and damage key relationships. Have you ever thought about how you respond to people with these traits, and what effects you produce?
The basic theme for all these response strategies is the same. With your version of "an effective response" in mind...
Be aware of what you feel and need during important communication exchanges;
If your partner's behavior bothers you significantly, decide whether or not to assert your needs - now or later;
Option - affirm your partner's apparent feelings and needs without judgment. (e.g. "You're really upset now...")
Option - ask if s/he is open to some feedback about his/her behavior. Be prepared for something other than "yes." If s/he is open, identify (a) what you want to assert, specifically; and (b) the outcome you want (e.g. your partner agreeing to change their problem behavior);
Decide if you're making a request or a demand, and whether you want to include a specific con-sequence (e.g. "If you choose not to stop swearing so much, I'm going to _____.");
Briefly assert your need/s, with friendly eye contact and minimum explanation. Expect some kind of resistance (excuse, apology, complaint, blame, etc);
Use respectful empathic listening to acknowledge any resistance/s ("So you feel / need / want...") without comment; and calmly...
Repeat your assertion and listening until (a) you get what you need, or (b) get a firm refusal, or (c) change to win-win problem-solving.
If appropriate, (a) thank your partner, and/or (b) ask how s/he felt about your assertion. If the assertion didn't get the result you needed, analyze why, and what you might have done differ-ently. Ineffective communications usually result from a false self controlling either or both of you.
Does this framework make sense to you? What - if anything - might hinder you from using your version of this framework with "problem partners? Recall - this framework works as well with most kids as with adults. It also works with your busy personality subselves!
Now let's put this framework to work with some...
1) An Addicted Person
Opinion - people burdened with toxic compulsions are (a) always significantly wounded and un-aware (vs. "sick"), and are (b) trying unconsciously to self-medicate intolerable inner pain. The most harmful response to an addict is scorn, anger, criticism, and blame. The best response is to see ad-diction compassionately as evidence of major inherited family dysfunction, and uncontrollable personal agony.
Responding effectively to the many vexing behaviors of an addict (er.g. dishonesty, denial, un-reliability, self-neglect, rages,...) starts with assessing yourself for false-self wounds. Then learn addiction and addiction-control basics and options.
2) An Overly-aggressive Person
Are you clear on the difference between assertion and aggression? Aggressive people focus on their own needs, ignore or discount yours, and may justify or deny doing that. If you encounter an intol-erably loud, controlling, aggressive, pushy, or nosey adult or child, normal reactions are irritation, frus-tration, guardedness, intimidation, hurt, dislike, and perhaps resentment or anger.
What might your response sound like? If your partner agrees to hear your feedback, you can ask calmly...
(Name), who's needs are more important to you now - yours or mine?"
This question often disorients the other person, and may cause them to be more aware of your and their needs and communication process. Depending on their response, you may then say something like...
"(Name), when you focus so steadily on your needs, feelings, and activities, I feel discounted (and/or anything else), and I lose interest in listening to you. I need you to want to include me in our conversation."
Then keep steady eye contact, be silent, and watch your partner's reaction for expected resistan-ces. You might get something like "Well why are you so oversensitive?" or "I'm not discounting you - you're imagining it, or "You sure are self-centered...".You could then use a respectful hearing check like...
"So you feel I'm unreasonably sensitive." or "You feel you're not ignoring me."
Note that these are statements, not questions - and they are not agreements. If your partner nods, grunts, or says "Yeah," then calmly repeat your I-message with good eye contact and expect more resistance.
Note what is not said in your response: "You're so aggressive / insensitive / self-centered / obnoxious..." etc. These are inflammatory blaming ("you") messages that usually promote fights, attacks, or withdrawals. Also avoid hand-grenade terms like "controlling," "self-centered," "stupid," "insensitive," "ridiculous," "childish," "abusive," and so on.
Can you think of an overly-aggressive communication partner you might use this response with? How do you think s/he would react? How would you feel. Would your true Self stay in charge? If there are some aggressors you'd be reluctant to use this strategy with (like a reactive parent), do you know why? Usually such hesitance comes from a distrustful or scared subself - not your true Self.
3) An Anxious or Fearful Partner
How do you usually feel and act communicating with a notably timid, insecure, or overly-apolo-getic adult or child? How does their anxiety affect your focus and communication? Do you become cautious, anxious, and choose your words carefully? Do your People Pleaser, Nurturer, Rescuer, or Guilty Child take you over? Do you feel "1-up"? Do you focus on their needs more than yours? What happens to your respect for the timid one?
One way to look at such a person is with compassion: a scared or pessimistic subself has dis-abled their true Self, and they are (a) unaware of that, and (b) how to find appropriate self-confidence and courage. As you know, people broadcast anxiety with body language and voice dynamics, rather than words.
If you sacrifice your needs and feelings "too much" to protect an anxious partner, you risk enabling their fear, and discounting yourself. "Too much" depends on the person, your relationship, and the situation. A common reaction - specially with anxious kids - is to reassure them ("Don't worry, cheer up!"). This is a discount, implying "I know better than you, and you shouldn't feel what you feel." Often it's more about relieving your discomfort!
Sometimes, such well-meant reassurance can evoke shame and guilt among sensitive Inner Kids. A more balanced two-part response might be to (a) confirm and/or respectfully validate the person's body language and anxiety, and then (b) invite options respectfully. That could sound like:
"Alex, you look and sound hesitant now. I wonder if something is worrying you. Can you say what you're feeling?"
If Alex denies any problem and/or avoids naming his feelings, you may say something like...
"I'm confused. Your body and voice imply that you're worried about something, yet your words say "No, I'm OK." Then be quiet, and observe with an open mind.
This is a double message implying at least two subselves control his personality (e.g., a Scared Child, Catastrophizer, or Worrier and a Magician) who don't feel safe to admit and/or disclose his feelings and what's causing them. You aren't responsible for this, and can't "fix it."
A challenge here is to keep your Self in charge, respect your partner's feelings, and not try to rescue him, dictate what he feels (or should feel), or persuade him to discount his emotions. Options:
"I wonder if there's something you'd like to talk about now." Or
"Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"
If your partner remains closed, then use these wise guidelines, and let go of feeling responsible. Can you think of child or adult you'd like to try this response strategy with? For more perspective, see this article on fear.
4) An Angry or Frustrated Partner
How comfortable are you in the presence of a significantly angry or rageful adult or child? Com-mon reactions are anxiety or fear, caution, denial, uncertainty, minimizing, and even emotional paral-ysis.
A common response is to urge the angry person to "calm down" and get control of them-selves (so you can feel safer). Depending on you and the circumstances, it's also common to have your false self take control and cause your response. Does that ever happen to you?
In responding effectively, it can help to distinguish between anger and frustration. Frustration automatically occurs when we can't fill an important need. Anger usually follows hurt, injury, and/or feeling threatened. Does that match your experience? Would you also agree that most people aren't aware of this difference, and can't clearly say if they're hurt, angry, or frustrated?
This distinction opens up some effective response strategies. For example, instead of thinking "You're (or I am) really angry!" try thinking "You're really hurt (or injured or scared)!" That feels signifi-cantly different, doesn't it? If you're sure your Self (capital "S") is guiding you, consider asking
"(Name), are you feeling angry or frustrated - or both?"
If your partner indicates frustration, possible responses are...
"What do you need now?" or "What's blocking you?" or...
"What need are you having trouble satisfying now?"
Notice the difference between these and "What's the matter?" or "What's wrong?" If you try a re-sponse like this, be alert for your partner automatically focusing on a surface need. If appropriate, invite them to try digging-down to identify their primary unfilled needs. That raises the odds for effective prob-lem solving, when appropriate.
If your partner implies or says "I'm angry at/because (something)" affirm that with a respectful hearing check ["You're really upset (because ___ ) ]." Then decide if it would be useful to say some-thing like...
"I wonder if you're feeling hurt (or threatened) by something..."
Again, notice that this is a statement, not a question or pronouncement. A calm, respectful re-sponse like this can help the angry adult or child get clearer on what they really feel - and then what they need. This is specially challenging if your partner is angry with (hurt or scared by) you.
After affirming your partner's feelings, another powerful response-option is:
(Name), what do you need from me right now?"
To be effective, this needs to be a calm, sincere question, said with comfortable eye contact - not sar-castic, manipulative, strategic (e.g. to change the subject or focus), defensive, or timid. The latter sug-gests a false self is in charge of your personality...
For more perspective, see these articles on anger and anger policies.
Problem 5) An Argumentative and/or Combative Person
Arguing differs from problem-solving in that each person tries to "win" - so there is a "loser." Do you know a child or adult who often tries to hook you into a lose-lose argument or debate ("Yes, but..."). If so, how do you feel if you argue with them? Do you feel heard (vs. agreed with) and respect-ed? What would you rather do than argue?
Subselves who control people who argue chronically or excessively may strive to...
replace boredom or painful self-awareness with external excitement,
avoid scary intimacy and self-disclosure, and/or to...
reduce ceaseless shame and inferiority by "winning" every argument and feeling powerful.
Each of these suggest the person is ruled by a well-meaning false self.
Few people are aware of false-self domination and wounds, or know what to do about them. Im-plication - instead of saying "Rosa loves to argue," or "Rosa always has to have the last word (or be right)," it's probably more accurate and compassionate to say "Rosa is wounded and ruled by a false self, and she doesn't know it."
Possible responses to someone who argues or debates compulsively include first checking to make sure your own Competitior or Warrior/Amazon subselves haven't taken over your Self. Then get clear on (a) how your partner's behavior affects you (impatience / irritation / disinterest / disdain...); and (b) what specific behavior you need from this partner. Then give her/him a hearing check like this...
"So you want me to understand that (whatever)."
A common effect of a statement (not a question) like this is to "take the wind out of her/his sails" because you've just ended the debate by not arguing. Beware - if you (your false self) use this as a ploy to win, you'll probably lose. When you get agreement to your hearing check, then assert your need respectfully and firmly, expecting "resistances.," For example:
"(Name), I just need you to hear my point of view. I don't need you to agree with me (if that's true). Can you give me a hearing check now?"
Another option...
"(Name), when you need to argue and debate with me, I eventually get weary and tune you out. I'd rather problem-solve, or agree to disagree. Will you do that?"
Expect resistance (e.g. an argument) without judgment, acknowledge it respectfully with a hear-ing check, and calmly repeat your assertion as often as needed. If a partner dismisses or minimizes your response and need/s, see problem # 1 (aggressiveness) and # x (self-centeredness).
Notice your reaction to these responses. Are you motivated to try them? How do they compare with your usual reaction to argumentative people? Recall our (or your) definition of "an effective re-sponse to a problem partner."
Continued...
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