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Ways to Resolve
Values Conflicts,
Impasses, and Cutoffs Effectively
p. 1 of 2
By Peter
Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/vc_impasse.htm
This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote
relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief
introduction
describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this
information. Each article is part of a
mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll
all make.
This article is one of a
series describing effective thinking, communicating, and
problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication
(relationship)
that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving
social conflicts effectively.
The unique guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key
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Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you
+ + +
This two-page article focuses on one of three universal
human-relationship stressors: values conflicts. The other
two are
and
Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer
Typical family professionals
and co-parents don't know how to avoid
or identify and permanently resolve these problems - which means their kids probably
aren't learning to do that either.
This article...
This companion
article illustrates all three stressors affecting a courting
couple's new stepfamily.
Internal and Mutual
Values Conflicts
"I like red meat. You like fish."
"You’re a "night person,"
and I feel most alive and alert as the sun rises."
"You’re a 'Right-to-Lifer,' and I
support women’s choices on abortion."
"You're a conservative Democrat, and I'm a
liberal Republican;"
"In child discipline, I believe in
imposing parental punishments. You believe natural consequences usually work
better."
"I think planning for the future is vital.
You think living in the present moment is more important."
"Nancy won't let me play with her Nintendo. I let her play with
my
stuff!"
These all are differences in
personal beliefs, priorities or
preferences - values - not right/wrong
moral or situational absolutes
like "child abuse is wrong - period."
Our rich mosaic of human cultures,
ethnic and family traditions, personalities, and life experiences guarantees that all people, households,
families, and nations will frequently
have minor to major values conflicts.
Each
child and adult (like you) evolves a
unique way of coping with these stressors. Some ways are more
effective than others, short and long term.
When two conflicted people each
refuse to compromise their values for a greater good, an impasse occurs.
The underlying causes of major impasses can strain or wreck relationships and families, and cause
aggression,
legal suits, and wars.
Stay tuned...
A growing number of mental-health
researchers and clinicians propose that
normal (vs. pathological) kids and adults develop a group
of semi-independent
that comprise their
Each subself has unique talents, limits, goals, priorities, and
views of the world, like players in an orchestra or sports team. Depending on how well they're led, groups of subselves
(personalities) can range from chaotic to harmonious - in general, and
in confusing, conflictual, or dangerous situations.
One implication of this is that average
adults and kids can develop
values conflicts between their subselves, causing
confusion, uncertainty, ambivalence, and double or
The most complex,
situation occurs when two
or more people have simultaneous
internal and mutual values conflicts, and no one know that or
how to resolve them effectively.
Reality check - think of several key relationships in your life
now. From time to time, do you each experience significant differences in beliefs, preferences, and priorities? Can you describe
how you personally and mutually react to these clashes? Now reflect:
do you also experience internal
values conflicts ("I want to stay in touch Mom, so I'll call her today." / "But that will lead to
frustration and disappointment again, so don't call!")?
| Premises - (a) The quality of any relationship over time depends
partly on how effective partners are at admitting and
resolving their internal and mutual values clashes; and
(b) Minor kids depend on their adults to teach them how to
resolve conflicts effectively. Do you agree? Did your caregivers
do that for you? |
Is
there a best way to react to values conflicts? I vote "yes":
Common Responses to Values Conflicts
When
typical adults and kids encounter these unavoidable stressors,
they (you) unconsciously choose
responses we learned from early mentors, hero/ines, and experiences, like...
-
Explaining and lecturing - "Let
me show you why your (value is) WRONG, and I am (my value is) RIGHT!
(You must agree with me or you are bad or stupid, and I will scorn,
reject, and/or punish you);" This is a common type of toxic black/white
(two-alternative) thinking. Or we...
-
Avoid, minimize, deny, and/or withdraw - "Hey, no big deal (if we
disagree), OK?" or (silently) "If you confront me with our conflict,
I'll tune out, collapse, or leave;" Or average kids and adults...
-
Submit, (pretend to agree) deferring to the other person's value
to avoid discomfort - i.e. discounting yourself and your
(losing self-respect); Or we seek to achieve...
-
Genuine acceptance and compromise - "No one is right or wrong
here - we're just different
on this point (e.g. a tomato is not "better" than an armadillo.)
Let's (a) brainstorm and
compromise or (b) if we can't find a middle ground, let's agree to
disagree for the sake of our
and relationship, and move on"
The
first three of these strategies inevitably reduce self and mutual respect
and mutual trust over time - i.e. they harm
and relationships. The first response implies a
scornful
- i.e. "You feel you are a better person than
I am." This
usually evokes
and fighting or fleeing
- specially if a
is in charge.
The second and
third responses leave the conflict unresolved, and weaken personal
and the relationship.
If both people choose the fourth response,
they're most apt to keep their self esteems and maintain or improve their
relationship. Even if people agree with this premise, they may not be able
to do it. We'll see why in a moment.
Stabilizing two post-divorce households, and
three or more biofamilies into a new stepfamily, inevitably cause many
significant values (and other) conflicts. These
commonly include child discipline, visitation, custody, and financial
support; religion, schooling, socializing, household and personal
boundaries, assets, communication styles, holidays and celebration, and many more.
Is that your experience? If so, is there a
pattern to how
your family members respond?
Why are Unresolved Values Conflicts a Problem?
|
Because of (a) their mosaic of
and (b) ignorance of the fourth resolution strategy above, most
people
endure unresolved values conflicts. Unresolved conflicts and relationship triangles among family members are
symptoms of three underlying primary problems: co-parents'
psychological
+ ignorance of up to
+
|
In other words, values conflicts can cause surface
irritations, hurts, angers, and anxieties, but
are often not the real
problem. Note that the
people try to resolve their internal and
mutual values conflicts (e.g. the first three responses above) often
increases relationship and family
A
second serious problem from unresolved family values conflicts is that
dependent children emulate their caregivers and adopt one or
more ineffective ways of reacting to them. In other words, if caregivers
don't learn to...
-
reduce the three underlying problems above,
and...
-
resolve
internal conflicts first, then...
-
compromise or agree to disagree with each
other and...
-
teach these things to their kids, then...
-
the young people
enter adulthood vulnerable to major personal and relationship stresses at
home and at work,...
-
causing their aging caregivers heartache and stress.
So
what should people (like you) do about these common disputes?
Resolution Options
Option: print this and use it as a
checklist until your co-parents and supporters can describe the steps from memory...
-
Accept the idea that normal
people's personalities are composed of semi-independent subselves, which
include a skilled leader called (in this Web site) your
(capital "S").
Then identify your unique
of
talented subselves, and discern who
them - in general, and in
values conflicts. If a
leads them, work to
your Self - i.e. work at
-
Learn these communication
basics, and then
help your family members (and others) to use these
(i.e. work at
Give
special emphasis to the skills of
and
to discern your
at the moment. Learn to
distinguish between values ("I prefer broccoli to sushi") from
needs ("I
need you to admit that my value is 'right'.")
-
Adopt the attitude that
when values conflicts happen, no
one is "right" or "wrong." - just different.
-
Learn the concepts of...
-
internal and
mutual values conflicts and...
-
win-win compromises, and then...
-
agree
with other family members on
clear definitions of each of them. Then...
-
expand your vocabularies to
include these terms and definitions ("Hey - looks like we have another
values conflict here. Let's brainstorm.")
-
Clarify and learn each other's personal
and agree on your rights as dignified persons.
Many values conflicts are opposing priorities.
-
When internal and mutual values conflicts
happen together, help each other...
-
acknowledge that without
blame ("I have an inner values conflict now.") and...
-
identify and compromise the internal conflicts first.
That usually requires...
-
your subselves (personalities) to be
your true Self (capital "S").
-
When
you can't find an acceptable compromise, agree to disagree for the good
of your relationship and family harmony - unless doing so
feels like a violation of your
and
self respect.
If your
personal
and dignity is not your top non-emergency priority,
you're probably dominated by a protective false self. When viable
compromises don't appear, a useful tie-breaking question to discuss is...
"Which alternative is
best for our relationship, long term?"
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you
now? If you have thoughts like "Whoa - this looks like a lot of
work!" - you're right! So is living with escalating relationship
from the three sources of unresolved values conflicts!
(Can you name them?)
If you feel that each of these conflict-resolution steps makes sense, honestly assess whether you're following them or not when
significant values conflicts occur with the people you care about.
If you're thinking "This is too complicated -
we'll never be able to do all these steps," suspect that your protective
and/or
subselves control your personality now. Seek to learn what your
feels about
learning to practice a version of these conflict-resolution
guidelines in your key internal and outer relationships.
Experiment with these guidelines, and see what happens. You
can tell if they "work" well enough if you and your conflict-partners feel...
-
and
well enough;
-
good enough
about the communication
between you, and...
-
you each can genuinely accept
whatever compromise you've agreed on without significant resentment, hurt,
anger, anxiety, and/or guilt.
If the steps don't work
well enough, objectively review your resolution process a step at a time -
as teammates, not opponents. The two most common blocks to these steps
working are (a) unseen false-self dominance in one
or both partners, and (b) ignorance of - or not using - the seven communication
starting with
A
related problem is protective false selves
or ignoring these two blocks,
and justifying that.
Special Cases - Impasses
and Cutoffs
Two common symptoms of major unresolved values conflicts are impasses
and relationship cutoffs. Have you experienced
these? Let's gain some perspective on them using the ideas above.
Resolving Impasses
Try saying your definition of "an impasse" out loud. How
would you describe this concept to an average 12-year old? Then
say...
-
what your normal reaction to impasses is, and...
-
whether it's
usually effective or
not (Do you get your main needs met well enough?). Finally,
-
decide whether you feel that developing an effective strategy to
free up significant
impasses is worth investing some time and energy now.
|
Do you remember how the adults who raised you dealt
with impasses? Do you feel they did so effectively? Did they teach you how to deal with them? Have you
or others taught the minor
kids in your life how to recognize and resolve them well?
|
Microsoft Encarta's dictionary
defines an impasse as a "block
to progress or agreement: a
point at which no further progress can be made or agreement reached." We'll say
here that an impasse in a family context is "a stressful
situation involving two or more people with conflicting perceptions, values,
or current needs in which no one is willing to compromise."
The Encarta
definition can apply in that major family impasses can block family
relationships and harmony from progressing - i.e. from developing and
growing to their full potential.
The consequences of the root causes of typical impasses range from trivial to major. Major impasses can cause or
contribute to family violence ("rage attacks"), addictions, abuse, affairs,
relationship cutoffs, avoidances, criticisms, antagonistic "camps" of
relatives; psychological and legal divorces, desertion, obesity, homicide,
and
Each of your family
adults and kids will form their own
opinion of what a "significant" impasse is. Disagreeing over these definitions is
a values conflict!
What Causes Major Impasses?
Before reading further, see if you can identify a past or current
significant impasse. Then keep it in mind as you consider what follows. A useful (essential?) first step here is to understand
what really causes the impasse.
When neither person is willing to
compromise, one or more of these core reasons probably apply:
-
one or both people are (a)
ruled by a
and don't
(want to) know it, or (b) they don't know what to
about it. A common symptom of this is one or both people feel that
being right or winning short term ("my way or the
highway!") is more important than long-term mutual acceptance and
respect.; and/or...
-
one or both
people aren't aware of, or aren't using, effective-communication
and/or...
-
one or both people feel that
all perceived compromises will violate their personal
and dignity, and they're not willing to do that.
The
overarching cause of all impasses is
in all people involved, including human-service professionals.
Impasse-resolution Options
The first
option is for both people in an impasse to take responsibility for
honestly
themselves for false self
and (b) committing to
any that they find. Significant false-self wounds are a core cause of most
(all?) role and relationship problems.
Reluctance to self-assess and/or to follow up strongly suggests (a) false-self
dominance and probably (b) a
home,
family, work, and social environment.
Premise: Adults and kids who rigidly insist on...
-
being right and...
-
avoiding defeat, giving in, being
weak, and/or...
-
avoiding feeling wrong, inferior, subservient, a wimp, a wuss,
second best, inferior, a loser, and/or a coward...
are always
(very wounded)
of an agonizing low-nurturance childhood who
this and their
resultant wounds. A famous example is the former Green-Bay Packer football
coach Vince Lombardi, who was lauded in the media for insisting that "Winning isn't the only thing - it's
everything!" WRONG! (a major values
conflict between Vince and me.)
An
equally-valuable option is for both people stuck in a major impasse
to...
-
adopt a long-range view (e.g. the rest of their lives), and...
-
commit to progressing at
- i.e. patiently studying these communication
basics
and learning to practice all seven Project-2 skills.
In my experience, reluctance or
ambivalence about doing this - and denying and/or justifying this - are sure signs of
significant false-self wounds.
Notice your (subselves')
to these proposals...
Continue with options for resolving
relationship "cutoffs." Do you need a stretch-break first?
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