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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
One of five reasons for
our tragic U.S.
re/divorce
epidemic is lay and professional
unawareness (vs. stupidity). Part of this
unawareness is not knowing the stepfamily basics summarized below. Other parts are
co-parents and supporters not knowing
life-skill,
communication, and
effective-grieving basics. See which of the factors
below are new to you, and note your reactions to
them... If you seek American
stepfamily statistics, go
here.
To raise your awareness, rank yourself now: on a scale of one (I know
nothing about stepfamilies) to 10 (I am a highly qualified stepfamily
expert) I am now a ___.
Option: for greater perspective on what you're about to read,
review this slide presentation on
stepfamily
basics first, and return here. If you have trouble viewing
the slides, see
this.
+ + +
FROM 28 years' professional research and clinical and personal
experience, this
Project-3 article provides...
a summary of key stepfamily terms and
definitions;
a summary of important social
facts (not statistics) about typical multi-home
stepfamilies; and...
an overview of what these facts usually mean to average stepfamily kids and
adults,
A widespread source of confusion and conflict in typical stepfamilies, the
public, and the media is
misunderstanding some key terms. See how these
definitions compare to yours...
Definitions
in alphabetical order
bio(logical) family - any adults and
kids sharing common genes and ancestry. Usually the adults and kids have
the same last name, unless a married daughter takes her partner's last
name. Also called a traditional and normal family.
bio(logical) parent - the mother or father who
co-conceived a child and contributed half the child's genes.
blended (complex) stepfamily - one in
which both partners have one or more living or dead biological kids with
prior partners - i.e. each partner is a bioparent and has the role of
stepparent. When only one partner has prior genetic kids, sociologists
call them a simple stepfamily. All stepfamilies must
"blend"
(merge and stabilize)
three or more co-parents' respective biofamilies, but not all
stepfamilies are blended (complex).
bonding, bonds -
family bonds exist when the wholistic health of one member is
significantly affected by the existence, welfare, and behaviors of another member.
Bonds usually imply genuine one-way or mutual caring, concern,
enjoyment, and (often) romantic, parental, filial, and/or sibling
love.
Bonds can also be toxic (cause significant
stress
and
pain). True
bonds are different than needs (dependence). Bonds among typical
step-relatives are usually weaker than those among genetic relatives.
The most tragic of six widespread psychological
wounds
among young and adult
survivors
of childhood trauma and
neglect is an inability to form genuine bonds (Reactive
Attachment Disorder, or RAD). It is often undiagnosed, and - with
other wounds - contributes to many parenting and marital stresses and
divorces.
co-parent - a man or woman who
provides significant nurturance to a minor or grown child. The adult and
child may or may not be genetically related. In this non-profit Web
site, stepfamily co-parents include both bioparents (if living),
any stepparents, and
any older kids or other adults (like grandparents, aunts, uncles,
nannies, and baby sitters) who provide significant
nurturance to a minor or grown child.
divorce (see also
re/divorce) - the psychological and
(perhaps) legal ending of the primacy of a mutually-committed
relationship between two adult partners. The mates may or may not have
co-conceived one or more kids. Divorces can be
one-sided or mutual.
Typical legal divorces have three major
phases which usually take well over 10 years to complete. Divorce reorganizes,
rather than dissolves, a biofamily's or a stepfamily's
roles, rules, structure, and
relationships. The "/" in
re/divorce notes that it
may be one partner's (e.g. a stepparent's) first legal divorce.
Each adult and child in a
divorcing family has a unique pace in completing the three phases, and some
may get stuck in the process. That usually
signifies the person has significant psychological
wounds, and
lives in a
low-nurturance family environment which lacks genuine
permissions to
grieve.
ex mate - here, this
term usually refers to a separated or
divorcing
bioparent's former legal or cohabiting partner - i.e. a stepchild's
"other (bio)parent."
extended (multi-generational) stepfamily - all the genetic and legal
relatives of two or more co-parents forming a nuclear stepfamily.
Typical extended stepfamilies are composed of all adult relatives and
kids of two divorcing mates and one or more stepparents.
family member
-
all people in a biofamily who
share genes and ancestries. They may or may not know or care about
each other;
two or more people in a psychological
family whose existence and behaviors significantly affect each other's
wholistic health. Each adult and child evolves their own definition of
who is included in "my family."
A common source of stepfamily conflict
is over
who belongs (is included
as a full member) and who doesn't. Another is a
loyalty conflict
- which members side with whom in a dispute.
functional family -
see high nurturance family. In a dysfunctional family, some or most members seldom get their
primary needs
met in satisfying ways.
half-sibling
- see stepchild
high-nurturance family or
relationship - one in which all persons usually get most of
their primary needs met (nurtured) well enough, in satisfying (vs.
stressful) ways.
nuclear stepfamily -
three or more co-parents and all related minor or grown kids who usually
live in one of several related co-parenting homes.
psychological family - two or more
people who (a) spontaneously (vs. dutifully or strategically) put high priority on filling each other's
current and long-range needs, and (b) whose
wholistic health significantly
affects each other in someone's opinion.
Restated: a psychological
family is two or more people who genuinely (vs. dutifully) trust,
respect, and maybe feel love for each other. and are genuinely concerned
with nurturing each other. They may or may not live together,
and/or share genes and a
common ancestry.
re/divorce - the psychological or legal ending of a primary
committed relationship after one or both partners' prior divorces. The
"/" notes that it may be one partner's first break up.
relationship - the psychological,
spiritual, and physical roles, rules, rituals, needs, and expectations
between two or more people who are significantly affected by the other
person/s. Relationships vary between superficial acquaintances to
intense devotion, loyalty, and intimacy.
Family relationships can be judged as
alliances (sharing common
values and goals), coalitions
(different allegiances and values, and common goals),
opponents (conflictual
values, goals and boundaries), or none of these.
Each pair of subselves
comprising normal
personalities
also has some degree of relationship. The degree can shift over
time - specially if the host person works to harmonize the subselves
under the expert guidance of the resident
true Self
and a nurturing
Higher Power
- i.e. works at family
Project 1.
stepchild - any minor or grown child
whose divorced or widowed mother or father has committed to a new adult
partner. The new couple may or may not live together, and the new
partner may or may not have one or more living or dead biological kids
from a prior union.
The stepchild may live with a custodial bioparent,
another relative or family, or independently.
An "ours" child born to the new
couple isa half-sibling
to existing children of either parent, not a stepchild.
stepfamily - a family
with at least one part-time or full-time stepparent, and one minor,
grown, or dead stepchild. See blended stepfamily,
nuclear stepfamily, and extended stepfamily.
stepparent - an adult who has
accepted the social
role of caring part-time or full time for the
biological or adopted child of her or his mate from a prior union.
Stepmother and stepfather are family roles, not people! Saying a
woman or man is a "good / bad stepparent" means someone thinks s/he is
performing this caregiving role well or poorly.
It does not mean s/he is a good
or bad person.
The legal rights of stepparents and step-grandparents vary by State.
They are often less than a genetic parent's or grandparent's rights
unless the step-adult has legally adopted
a stepchild.
stepsiblings - two or
more minor or
grown kids whose co-parents have formed a psychological or legal blended
stepfamily. They share no genes, usually have different last names, and each may or may not have (genetic) biosiblings and/or
half-siblings.
re/marriage
- the primary committed relationship with a new adult partner following the
legal divorce of one or both partners. The "/" notes that it may be
one partner's first union.
For
more stepfamily-related definitions, see
this. For more perspective on many of
these subjects, see this Q&A series of summaries
and links.
Now let's use these
definitions to survey some...
Key Stepfamily
Facts
A stepfamily has at
least one stepmom or stepdad providing part-time or full-time
nurturing, protection, and guidance to one or more minor
or
grown kids conceived by the stepparent's partner and another
person.
Stepfamilies are normal.
They've been around as long as tribal members raised the children of dead,
absent, or
disabled bioparents. They've probably been the majority family type across
centuries and cultures, until modern health care has greatly reduced the
global human mortality rate this past century.
Our prefix "step-" comes
across a thousand years from the Middle English root "stoep." William
the Conqueror's subjects used that root to describe "not related by
marriage."
Shame-based, unaware
people dislike "step-" because they associate it with second best, prior
marital failure, inferiority, unnatural, abnormal, and unreal.
Such people use
blended, bonus, woven, bi-nuclear, co-, reconstituted, combined,
reconstructed, second (family), and serial and encore (remarriage) to avoid
unpleasant reality.
Using terms like these promotes toxic denial of stepfamily
identity, hazards, roles, realities,
and
implications.
parenthood (no prior kids, one or
more prior sons and/or daughters; one or more "ours" kids, or
none; prior kids dead; kids dependent or grown; teenagers or none;
stepparent adoption or not;...)
co-parents' prior marital status -
never married,
divorcing, redivorced, and/or widowed; and...
stepkids' other
bioparent's status - living or dead, single and never remarried,
single and re/divorced, re/married with or without resident and/or
visiting minor/teen/grown stepkids;...
So unlike traditional
intact-biofamily members, typical stepfamily adults and kids will never
meet people in a similarly-structured family.That often promotes
feeling isolated, alone, and "weird." These and co-parent
psychological wounds can promote harmful
denials ("We're
not a stepfamily") and repressions - which foster
unrealistic expectations, confusions,
disappointments, frustrations, and conflicts - i.e. stress.
More basic facts about typical stepfamilies
Typical
multi-home stepfamilies differ a lotfrom average
intact biofamilies...
in up to
35 structural ways, including greater size and
complexity. Typical multi-generational stepfamilies can have well
over 100 people
related by genes, wills, contracts, and marriage licenses; in three or
more previously-unrelated extended biofamilies, living in well over a
dozen widely-scattered homes.
The number possible
relationshipsamong all these people, "R," is
usually incomprehensible: In any
group, R = [ N (the number of members) x (N-1) / 2 ]. So a
three-generational stepfamily with 87 adults and kids can have [(87 x
86) / 2] = 7,221 possible relationships!
A
new six-co-parent, five-child nuclear stepfamily living in three homes
has [(11 x 10) / 2] = 55 relationships to negotiate, stabilize, and
prioritize - many among people who have only recently met. How many
relationships are there in your home? In your whole family?
Average multi-home stepfamilies have up
to
30 concurrent adjustment tasks to resolve which
members of average intact biofamilies don't face; and...
Up to 20 alien new family
roles to negotiate and stabilize
- like step-uncle, half-sister,
step-cousin, non-custodial biofather, step-great-grandmother,... - on
top of the 15 traditional extended-biofamily roles (son, daughter,
aunt, grandfather, sister-in-law, brother, mother,...)
There are no socially-accepted
norms for these alien roles, so members of each stepfamily
have to invent them and the
rules that determine how to do perform the roles
well, over time. This
is usually confusing, awkward, and
frustrating for everyone,
specially if those involved are psychologically
wounded, unaware,
not finished
mourning, and aren't
effective communicators. Also...
Re/wedding and/or
cohabiting trigger a multi-year merger of three or more
multi-generational biofamilies. These complex mergers require all adults and
kids to negotiate, integrate, and stabilize up to
16 catagories
of physical and invisible "things." This merger often occurs
without a coherent adult plan, and causes clusters of concurrent
values
and
loyalty
conflicts and persecutor - victim - rescuer
relationship triangles.
Few co-parents expect
these three stressors, or know how to avoid and resolve them
effectively as teammates. Most human-service professionals don't know how either.
Projects 2 and
9 in this site offer more perspective and practical solution-options.
While the
goals of typical stepfathers and stepmothers are the same
as average bioparents [guide, nurture, protect, and enjoy their (step)kids],
the...
personal, household, and social
environments
in which they try to achieve these goals
differ in up to
40
ways, and...
their stepkids can have over 30 "extra"
family-adjustment
needsthey need informed,
empathic co-parent guidance with. Tragically, this is rare.
These many interactive differences
complicate stepfamily roles, and can hinder providing
effective child discipline in and between minor stepkids'
two homes.
This can promote confusion, doubt, misunderstandings, and frustrations
among everyone - specially if there are significant
barriers
among the three or more co-parents. This one of the reasons that
effective communication
is essential among stepfamily adults and supporters!
For these and
other reasons, typical stepfamily couples'
chances of psychological or legal re/divorce are significantly higher than
average U.S. first-time marriers,despite having more life
and relationship experience. This non-profit Web site proposes
12 family Projects
to guard against this major risk.
In other ways,
average multi-home stepfamilies and typical intact one-home nuclear
biofamilies are exactly
the same.
This can lull typical idyllic courting co-parents into an unjustified sense
of security ("Hey - a family's just a family. How
different could our combined families be?")
About
90% of U.S. stepfamilies follow the
divorce
of one or both new mates. A brief century ago, ~90% followed the
death of one or both mates' prior partners.
More stepfamily basics...
American stepfamily couples
are more apt to differ widely in age,
race, religion, ethnic ancestry, financial
assets and debts, and educational level than
typical first-time couples. Stepfamily wives are more apt to be older than
their husbands than in first marriages;
A typical
stepdaughter or stepson may...
Have three or more co-parents
(a divorced biomom and biodad, and a stepmom, stepdad, or both), living
in two homes;
Have
zero to eight
living stepfamily
co-grandparents, and a proportionately large number of
step-aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives;
Have biosiblings, stepsiblings, and/or half-siblings
in the same home, in their other bioparent's home, in both, or none of
these;
May be legally adopted
by their stepmother, their stepfather, both, or neither. Most U.S.
stepparents don't adopt;
May have the same first name
as a stepsibling and/or their same-sex stepparent, and may have
a different last name than their re/married biomother;
May receive no
bequest if a stepparent
dies without a will, even if they were emotionally close for many years;
And typical stepkids may...
Feel sexually
attracted (or attractive) to a resident or visiting
stepsibling, and/or a young stepparent, because the incest taboo
is weaker in average stepfamilies. The odds of American stepdaughter
incest by a step-relative are higher than for biodaughters and
biorelatives;
Change
primary residence
to live with their other bioparent sometime before they're 18. This
happens in about 30% of typical U.S. stepfamilies, creating waves of
emotional, financial, structural, legal and lifestyle changes in and
between both homes;
Have up to 35 concurrent
adjustment
needs from childhood trauma, parental divorce and remarriage/s,
and becoming a stepchild, on top of normal
developmental needs- often with little informed guidance
from family adults, teachers, relatives, or others.
A
universal need (for all bonded family members) is to
The
Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/03/facts.htm
Definitions
in alphabetical order