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address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/pop/geno-full.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships
and preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This Project-3 article
illustrates two useful tools for stepfamily adults and supporters:
-
a partial "map" of who belongs to a real
extended (multi-generational) stepfamily, and...
-
the mapping technique
that adults and older kids can use to define, compare, and discuss who
belongs to their far-flung stepfamily group.
Agreeing on stepfamily
(inclusion) is a vital part of family
which is best begun
during courtship.
The real stepfamily in this diagram has six active co-parents living in three homes with five dependent
kids. There are nine living and dead, genetically and psychologically-important
co-grandparents and many bio and legal relatives. Only four of the six
biofamilies are shown.
This three-generational stepfamily has 78
adults and children, with the potential for [(78 x 77) / 2] = 3,003
relationships! It usually takes well over five years for webs of people like
this to
stabilize after the latest co-parent-couple's committing and
cohabiting. For
perspective, see the articles on
stepfamily basics, what a
stepfamily-identity
and these vital
co-parent questions and answers.
After studying this diagram, pause and reflect - what are you thinking and
feeling? What would your family diagram look like, and how would it
feel to make it? Note a key reality:
average biological-family maps show two biofamilies merging. Average
full stepfamily maps show up to six biofamilies merging
- two divorced bioparents + their respective new mates + their new mates'
living or dead ex mates (if the new partners each have one or more living
kids).
Questions...
Try to imagine what each member of this stepfamily might feel. Would
he or she...
-
comfortably acknowledge
privately and publicly "We are a normal stepfamily"?
If not - why?
-
want to
belong to this stepfamily?
-
include all these
people in deciding "Who is my family now?"
-
have a meaningful
relationship with each other family member?
-
be (a) clear on and (b)
comfortable with...
-
her or his
in this family?
-
what to call each
other family member (role-title, first name, and last name)?
-
who makes the main
policies and decisions in this stepfamily?
And would this adult or child...
-
feel significant pride in,
and loyalty to, this whole group of adults and kids?
-
know how to handle typical
holidays and family rituals and celebrations?
-
be able to describe this
stepfamily's strengths and
long-term
-
have studied and discussed
stepfamily terms, norms,
myths, and realities?
-
be usually
his or her resident
What could happen if you draft a
diagram of your family,
copy and distribute it, and call a family
meeting to discuss it? Ambivalence or reluctance to try this may
indicate you're dominated by a protective
who wants to avoid some imagined discomfort/s...
Options
Learn
how to map your own family,
and what you all can discover from that;
Check out
www.genopro.com
for a helpful software tool, and/or...
Scan the
extra developmental stages typical
stepfamily members must negotiate, compared to intact biofamilies; and
three possible outcomes;
Read part of the
story of a real nuclear stepfamily (not the
one in the diagram above);
Consider these
causes of most stepfamily
and relationship
problems
Review these
articles on (step)family basics,
roles and rules, and
Scan this
menu of solutions to common stepfamily
surface problems, and these useful
questions responsible co-parents should ask;
Study these
articles describing stepfamily
Project 3, and/or...
See
what you think about these three steps to
help prevent family stress and divorce.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect -
why did you read this article? Did you
get what you needed? If so, what do you need to do now? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
