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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/03/identity-wks.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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       THIS IS one of a series of Web pages on stepfamily Project 3: co-parents agree on their stepfamily identity, and then identify and resolve any significant identity and membership (inclusion) conflicts. These pave the way for Project 4: helping adults and kids form realistic expectations about your complex new stepfamily roles and relationships as you all merge your three or more biofamilies.

       Once you partners map your stepfamily and agree on who belongs to it, the next step is to invite all your adults and kids to accept your identity as a (potential or actual) stepfamily. This worksheet aims to help you do that. It's usually not as easy as it looks!

        Think for a moment about your personal identity. It's your answer to "Who am I, and what things make me unique from other people?" Groups also have identities which define "Who are we? What distinguishes us from other groups?" Members of typical new stepfamilies usually say "We’re just a family" or "We’re several different families." 

        All your adults and kids agreeing "We all belong to a normal, unique stepfamily," promotes...

• wanting to learn "What’s normal in this ancient kind of human family?" This learning promotes more realistic role and relationship expectations and less stress, as your stepfamily develops. 

• you all agreeing have common needs, hazards, merger-tasks, and goals – and 12 effective tools to reach them to reach them together over time.

        This worksheet provides a set of traits co-parents can use to assess "Do our adults and kids each identify clearly as a normal multi-home stepfamily now?" Use this worksheet during courtship and/or later to track your members' "identity acceptance" progress over time. Each time your co-parents use this, they can learn more about who you are as persons, mates, and co-nurturing teammates (or opponents).

  Preparation

Read about the five re/divorce hazards and the 12 safeguard projects co-parents can master to avoid them. Then...

Read and discuss the individual overviews of courtship Projects 1-4. This will help you understand why your stepfamily identity is unusually important, and motivate you to use this worksheet together. Option: print the project overviews for family discussion and reference.

You and your partner each draw your three-generational stepfamily membership "map" and discuss them together. The goal is to agree on "Who belongs to our stepfamily?" You’ll need a copy of your maps to use this worksheet.

Get clear why you’re doing this worksheet – i.e. what do you want to learn, and why? The clearer you are, the more you’ll benefit.

Make (vs. find) some undistracted time to use this worksheet, so you can reflect clearly on each person. The alternative is to answer the items superficially and draw skewed conclusions.

Notice your thoughts and feelings as you do this exploration, and reflect on your learnings. Option: take notes on your reactions as you go for later discussion and reflection.

To avoid biasing others, fill this worksheet out alone, and invite other family members to do the same. Then share your results, and decide if someone needs to act.

Avoid any shame, blame, or guilt in answering these items. This exploration is not about labeling someone as bad or wrong, it’s about building stepfamily awareness and health!

Note that it takes many years after committing and cohabiting to merge and stabilize average multi-home stepfamilies. Some of your adults and kids will need to experience stressors like role confusions and membership and loyalty conflicts often, before they understand and accept your stepfamily identity and what that means.

        Personal healing, patience, empathy, education, and willingness to change are great assets here…

View the time you spend using this worksheet and discussing it together as an investment in your long-term relationship and stepfamily success. The alternative is to see this as some dutiful or intellectual chore to endure and "get out of the way."

For best perspective, read this whole worksheet before using it.

        Pause, reflect, and note what you’re thinking and feeling now. Option - write about them for later awareness and learning…

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Do We All Accept Our Stepfamily Identity Now?

        On a copy of your stepfamily map ("genogram"), thoughtfully circle in some color the symbol for each living child and adult who is emotionally, genetically, and/or financially important to...

• you, or...

• your mate partner, or...

• each of your and their dependent and/or grown kids, or...

• each of those kids’ other living co-parents. 

If there are people on your diagram who aren’t important to any of you now, you may exclude them from this worksheet. Some members may be important to one of you but not to others. Option: Use a special marker color to circle or star the symbols of people who have special impact on the quality of your (potential) re/marriage.

        Starting with you and your partner, consider each circled person one at a time, and answer these questions about them honestly. If you answer "No," or "I don’t think so," put a check, "X," or the number of the question next to their map-symbol. If you’re unsure, put "?" Take your time.

        Right now, I believe this adult or child…

_ 1)  can accurately describe what "a family" is; and...

_ 2)  can accurately describe (a) what a stepfamily  is, and (b) at least five main differences between a stepfamily and an intact biological family; and s/he...

_ 3)  can clearly describe what it means to belong to a family; and...

_ 4)  realizes that if I re/marry my partner (or when we re/married), we will (did) form a normal multi-home stepfamily; and s/he...

_ 5) accepts without doubt (vs. disagreeing or uncertainty) that…

• each bioparent, and each current or future stepparent of each minor and grown child is (will be) a full and equal member of our multi-home nuclear stepfamily; and that…

• each genetically or legally-related relative of each of our three or more co-parenting adults is a full member of our extended (multi-generational) stepfamily. Take your time answering this one!

        And I firmly believe that this person on my (our) stepfamily map now …

_ 6) believes that a stepfamily can be as much a source of warmth, security, support, and fun as an average intact biofamily; and...

_ 7) agrees that even if an adult or child decides they don’t want to belong to our stepfamily, their behaviors, feelings, and attitudes may still have significant effects on other members. In other words, this person agrees that each circled person on our map is a functional member of our stepfamily, whether they want to be included or not; and...

_ 8) s/he is open to learning and discussing stepfamily basics, hazards, realities, and implications - and our 12 safeguard Projects, over time; and I'm confident this family member...

_ 9) will or does spontaneously use stepfamily role-titles to talk about our members in public - stepmother (father); stepdaughter (son); stepbrother (sister); our stepfamily (or equivalent); and s/he surely will...

_ 10) support our co-parents' merging and stabilizing a high-nurturance multi-generational stepfamily over time; and...

_ 11) would be genuinely interested in reading this exercise, and discussing my (our) responses to it.

_ 12) (add your own items):

 

 

                Considering all these factors, I see this child or adult as...

_  clearly accepting and supporting our stepfamily identity now, or probably being open to eventually accepting it; and s/he is, or will be... _  open to learning these stepfamily basics; and learning, tailoring, and applying these stepfamily norms and realities to us all, over time.

Option: if you check both of these, mark a "Y" or "OK" or a check by this person’s map symbol. Your goal is to eventually do this with every circled person on your genogram.

_  If this person doesn’t accept our (potential) stepfamily identity now, I see him or her as willing to discuss the subject, and possibly changing their mind. Give them a question mark or "M"(aybe) on your map.

Options

        You have a number of choices as to what to do with the outcome of your time investment here. There are two kinds of outcomes to this identity exercise:

• You feel enough of the key adults and kids in your three-generational family presently accept your  identity as a stepfamily, or …

• Not enough of your blood and legal relatives accept who you all are (or will be).. 

        My experience is that the first outcome is rare, specially before re/marriage! If you and your partner each got this outcome, and you assessed all your adults and kids honestly, then enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you and your kids have the foundation for a strong stepfamily-building team!

        If you got the second result, here are some choices:

        1)  Ignore or discount your results: "Well, yeah, some of our people don’t really see us all as a ‘stepfamily’ now, but that’s no big deal";

        2)  Feel anxious, but do nothing or postpone acting until "sometime soon;"

        3)  Rank-order the people who haven’t accepted your (potential) stepfamily identity, and plan to discuss this with the top-ranked adults or older kids individually or as a group. Explain respectfully why you think it’s important for all of your adults and kids that to accept your stepfamily identity, so you all want to learn realistic expectations for your relationships;

        And/or you may…

        4)  View family members who reject or don’t care about your group identity - specially co-parenting ex mates - as bad, irresponsible, selfish, stupid, stubborn, hostile, and/or losers. An alternative is to see each such person as wounded (shamed, numb, guilty, hurt, emotionally empty, insecure,…); benignly ignorant (about stepfamilies); still grieving; scared; distracted; and/or overwhelmed.

        5)  Intentionally use stepfamily terms and titles in communicating with each of these people, or avoid that because "it makes them (or me) uncomfortable;"

        6)  Keep your general priorities clear as partners (recommended: "my wholistic health and integrity come first, then our couple-relationship, then all else - except in emergencies.") An alternative is for you and/or your partner to overfocus on battling, converting, manipulating, or pleasing one or more of your stepfamily "identity-resisters;"

        7)  Use the Serenity Prayer to keep yourselves balanced and aware of what you partners may be able to influence here, and what you can’t;

        8)  Cut off relations with one or more "identity-resisters," or adopt a patient, long-range view of helping them to accept your stepfamily identity over time;

        9)  Try to learn respectfully why each "resister" is uncomfortable with your stepfamily identity - e.g. because of a semi-conscious belief that "stepfamilies are weird or abnormal (so I don’t want to be part of one)." Then patiently, respectfully encourage them to heal their guilt or shame, reduce their fears, learn stepfamily basics, convert stepfamily misconceptions into realistic expectations, and/or free their incomplete grief over time. 

        10)  Give ambivalent or resistant people copies of any of these Web pages you think would help them "see" your common identity and why it's vital. Related options are to show them your genogram and/or ask them to draw their own. Kids can have some fun with this!

        11)  Adopt (a) a glass-half-full attitude about improving your present stepfamily-identity situation over time, or (b) choose a pessimistic "glass-half-empty" philosophy. 

        With either of the main outcomes of this exercise, you mates can…

        12) Re-do this exercise periodically (e.g. on your re/marital anniversary), to learn and celebrate the identity-formation progress among your many members.

Notes / Thoughts...

• Right now, I feel …

 

 

 

• And I’m thinking about…

 

 

 

• Some things I want to do now are ….

 

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Updated  October 06, 2008