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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
THIS IS one of
several articles about stepfamily Project 3- adults accept your stepfamily identity, and agree who
belongs
to it - ideally during courtship. Doing this is a requisite for
Project 4
- learn what your identity means, and form realistic expectations
about your stepfamily
roles,
relationships, and development. This
article explores...
To get the most
from reading this, first study this slide presentation on
stepfamily basics, and these articles on
stepfamily facts and average stepfamily-biofamily
differences. If you have trouble viewing the
slides, see
this.
What's
The Problem?
Since 1981, I’ve taken over
3,000
phone calls on the Stepfamily inFormation "warm line." Most
callers were women asking for co-parent support groups, advice, reassurance, or
counseling. Many of these women and men were confused, frustrated, or anxious
for themselves or a loved one, and were eager to describe their situation to
an empathic listener. A common pattern usually emerged...
Though their
details were unique, the co-parent (bioparent or stepparent) was usually
struggling with a complex mix of
relationship stressors within
themselves and/or with
one or more family members, over a child, an
ex-mate, money, child
visitation or custody, priorities (loyalties), ineffective communications,
parenting disagreements (specially around discipline), legal matters, holidays or
family gatherings, etc…
After hearing the
gist of the
person's concern, I learned to
affirm it
with compassion, and ask...
"Do you see yourself as being in a
stepfamily
now?" And...
"Does your
partner(and your kids,
their other parent/s, and your genetic relatives) see you all as
belonging to a stepfamily
now?"
Typically the caller (or my therapy client) seemed momentarily confused or startled by these
questions.
They stuttered, reflected, and said something like …
"Why, uh, I ... guess so."
"Never really thought about it (and don't want
to)."
"Oh
no. We're just a regular family."
(implication: stepfamilies are irregular)
"No. I really don't likethat term!"
"No. My husband's former wife died.
They didn't
divorce, so were not a stepfamily."
"No we're not. We have our own child now, as well as my/his/her
older (step)kids.
"Well, we
used to be, but Bill adopted both my
kids (so we're not a stepfamily)."
"What's the difference?"
"Well, all the kids are grown and on their own now,
so I
guess not really..."
"Nope! (My / His / Her) kids live with (their other
bioparent), not with us. They do visit every other weekend, though."
"Well
I think we're a
stepfamily, but (my partner) and I
disagree on that" (or vice versa).
"Yes, we both see us as a
stepfamily."
The
high
majority of these people and/or their
co-parenting partners were
significantly uncomfortable about acknowledging that they were a stepfamily. Why
- and so what?
Typical Resistances
Many co-parents,
relatives, and
supporters...
aren't sure or misunderstand what a stepfamily is(unawareness) or...
they are sure, but aren't aware of stepfamily
facts and realities, and/or don't want
to acknowledge their step-hood
for various reasons
(denial).
This is usually
because of the "deficit," "second-best," "unnatural,"
and/or "damaged"
attitudes our uninformed media and culture usually imply or apply to steppeople and their families.
Stepfamilies have been a common, normal
social unit since the dawn of the human Era because of unprotected
intercourse and a bioparent's death or desertion. They've probably been
the social norm until recent advances in health care.
The Middle-English root "stoep" dates from around
1000 AD, and meant not related by blood, deprived, or orphaned.
Stepfamilies are now about 15-20% of U.S. families.
A persistent myth promoted by uninformed media and many stepfamily
authors is that stepfamilies will soon outnumber American biofamilies.
This is very unlikely.
Typical
multi-home stepfamilies have just
as much potential to
nurture and be
enjoyable and successful
as any healthy intact biofamily. They're not inherently
inferior or flawed, and they do have more significant
stressors
to master, and probably break up more often than typical biofamilies.
A
second reason for this identity "resistance" is that our culture places little value on personal and family identities in
general. Typical adults and kids didn't see their ancestors, teachers,
or personal or media hero/ines talk about what kind of family they or
other people were in, unless they were bigoted or persecuted. Is that what you've experienced?
A third
reason for widespread stepfamily-identity aversion - in my
counseling and classroom experience since 1981, I've seen that perhaps 80% or more of average stepfamily
co-parents are psychologically
wounded and unaware of being often controlled by a narrow-minded,
protective
false self.
Feeling innately bad about themselves and excessivelyconcerned with other’s
opinions and being "normal" (OK), typical
shamed co-parents are reluctant to admit to themselves
and/or others that
they and their kids are in a "failure-tainted" kind of inferior, oddball family.
To such
burdened people, saying "Yeah,
we’re a stepfamily" feels like walking around with a large sign
proclaiming "I am really screwed up (and my kids are too).I
couldn't make it in a real family." If respectfully
confronted on this, many
co-parents will
defensively explain, rationalize, or
deny it,
unless they've hit
bottom
and are committed to true
wound-reduction. Too
scary!
Why Accepting
Your Stepfamily Identity
Is Essential
Paradoxically, average
stepfamilies are
just like
intact biofamilies in some ways, and differ
from them in up to 60 structural and dynamic ways! If all three or more
adults in a multi-home nuclear stepfamily
deny, ignore, or minimize their family's identity and what it means, they're at
highrisk of...
being unaware of facing five epidemic
hazards, and...
using inappropriate biofamilynormsandexpectations to handle inevitable stepfamily relationship
and role disputes. That guarantees
major concurrent conflicts, frustrations, and confusions in and
between their related homes.
Restated:
until all genetically and legally related co-parents and relatives
(a) learn accurately what a stepfamily is, and (b) want to
genuinely accept their group identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily,
they risk living by up to 60+ unrealistic expectations
about their roles and relationships.
These combined myths breed unattainable
home and family ideals and goals, and promote major marital,
parental, and family
stress. This promotes escalating
hurt, guilt, irritation, confusion,
conflict, disappointment, anger, and frustration and
eventual psychological or legal .
What
IS a
Stepfamily?
Before reading further, try saying your definition out loud. Then compare
it to this:
A stepparent is a man or
woman who accepts the role of part-time or full-time caregiver to her or
his mate's child/ren from a former union.
Stepmoms and stepdads may or may not have biokids with a prior partner
and/or
their current partner. They may or may not be the opposite gender of their partner.
A stepchild is a
dependent (minor) or independent (grown) daughter or son who is influenced by one or
more genetically-unrelated stepparents.
Stepmother,
stepfather, stepson, stepdaughter
and stepsibling are
family roles, not persons.
A stepfamily is a group of related people
that includes at least one stepparent and one or more minor or grown
stepchildren.
In a simple stepfamily, only one mate has prior kids. In a
complex or blended stepfamily, both mates have one or more prior
kids. They each are "dual role" co-parents: stepparents and bioparents. Either type of couple can also conceive one or more "ours"
children (half siblings).
A nuclear stepfamily is composed of
all the adults
and minor kids living part or full-time in two or more co-parenting homes linked by
genes, legal agreements (e.g.
parenting agreements, insurance policies, divorce decrees,
wills, and re/marriage licenses), prior history,
emotional bonding, assets and debts, and co-parenting responsibilities.
An
extended
(multi-generational) stepfamily includes ...
three or more or more co-parents (bioparents
and stepparents); and...
all
their custodial and non-custodial
minor and grown kids, and any grandkids; and...
all
their kids’ other genetic and legal relatives,
including
the kids' other bioparent/s and kin.
Typical extendedstepfamilies can have
60 to 100+ members living in many
scattered homes.
Considering all the
combinations of co-parents’ prior unions (or not), parenthood (or not),
child
custody, and stepchild
adoption,
there are almost 100
structural types of stepfamily, so often, members say "We don't know
anyone like us."
So you're a
member of a normal multi-home stepfamily if …
1) you and/or your
mate have
one or more dependent or grown stepkids…
and you’re
(a) dating each other exclusively,
(b) committed and living together,
or (c) legally re/married. Implication: co-committed co-parent couples form a
psychological stepfamily before they re/marry and/or
cohabit;
regardless of
stepchild
custody, age, adoption, last name, or
marital status;...
whether you communicate with, or spend time with the stepchild/ren
or not;...
whether
your stepchild’s other bioparent is
living, remarried, or dead;...
even if your kid/s, parents, sibs, in-laws, ex mates, best
friends, and/or professional helpers say "you’re not a
stepfamily";
... even if you don’t
want to be a stepfamily! And you're a member of a stepfamily if …
2) you have a genetic or legal relative (e.g. a
child, sibling, parent, or grandparent) in a stepfamily. Implication: parents of any minor or grown stepchild, and their
blood and legal relatives, are psychological, genetic, legal, and financial
members of their child’s multi-home stepfamily!
Note your feelings and thoughts now. Do the points
above make sense to you? Do you agree with these premises without
major ambivalence? If not, what’s at stake for you? What would happen in your life
if you accepted and acted on these premises about stepfamily identity?
If someone balks at calling a stepfamily
"a stepfamily" (e.g. "We're a blended, bonus, second,
bi-nuclear, or co-family, not a stepfamily"), I suspect they’re
wounded
and in protective
denial of
some major discomfort.
If
you’re in a stepfamily and you publicly acknowledge that, then you can...
Learn and use realistic stepfamily
norms in
merging
your several biofamilies and evolving your family relationships,
boundaries, and rituals. Stepfamily norms differ from typical intact-biofamily norms in ~ 60
specific ways! and you can...
Evolve clear and appropriate stepfamily
roles [stepson
(daughter), stepparent, co-grandmother(father), half-sister,...]
and
rules (e.g. "It's OK and normal for stepkids and stepparents to not kiss each
other 'hello' and 'goodnight'"); and...
Avoid personal
and social identity confusion by
consistently using
appropriate stepfamily role-titles ("Alicia is my stepdaughter, and Ned’s my
biological son.")
Premise: if some
adult or child in your stepfamily avoids the prefix "step-" and you don’t confront that
identity-resistance honestly, you’re probably enabling significant stress in
and between your linked homes. If you
explore what the real
source of discomfort with
"step-" is, you’ll probably unearth important personal
losses that need grieving,
and/or
wounds
to reduce…
Options
Tailor and experiment with these options to help your family members and
supporters to want to...
learn and accept
stepfamily facts and realities and what they imply, so you
all can...
form realistic
home and family role and relationship
expectations of yourselves and each other.
Make
sure all your family members and supporters clearly understand what
a stepfamily is and isn't, per the above definition. Then...;
Honestly discuss this with your family members: "Arewe a
legal and/or psychological stepfamily?" If you're
not, why are you reading this?
If you and/or your co-parenting
partner
answer "No," ask yourselves "What would it mean to me / you / us if we were a
stepfamily? Who would be 'upset'? Why?" Really meditate on this… If you partners disagree, read
this
for ideas...
Read "Who
BelongsIn Our Multi-home Stepfamily?"
together (option - read it out loud). Then
ask your other family adults to
read it too. Then each of you separately draw your stepfamily's
membership
map ("genogram"), and discuss the results together. Treat this as a joint stepfamily
discovery project,
not a competition or witch hunt!
If you do agree with your
mate
"Yes, we all are a stepfamily," then help each other agree
on (a) who belongs to your stepfamily, and (b) learn what your
step-identity means.
A key
meaning is you're at high risk of
re/divorce, and there are important
steps you all need to take together to protect you and your kids
against five related
hazards.
To promote awareness, discussion, and
understanding, use this worksheet to inventory which
family members and supporters accept your stepfamily identity. If some
don't, discuss the pros and cons of
confronting them for all your sakes.
Patiently declare, explain, and
assert your stepfamily identityto...
each of your minor and grown kids and
grandkids,
receptive genetic and legal relatives, including your kids’
other bioparents and kin; and...
any key friends and involved professionals (clergy, doctors,
lawyers, counselors, teachers, accountants…). Then encourage them
to understand what that identity
means to them and you all.
If some of your extended (multi-generational) stepfamily
members
reject your group identity and/or their stepfamily role and title (e.g.
step-uncle), compassionately
assess
whether they're wounded and/or
blocked in
grieving major prior losses
(broken bonds). See this for
perspective and options.
Finally...
Reflect: has anything in you changed since you
started this article? What does that
mean?
Recap
A common unseen
stressor in typical stepfamilies occurs when one or more members ignore, minimize, or deny their
identity as a multi-home stepfamily. This usually happens because
of ignorance (not knowing what a stepfamily is), incomplete grieving of
major prior losses (broken bonds), and/or significant psychological
wounds in one or more adults and kids. Once aware of these
factors, stepfamily adults can team up to patiently reduce each of them.
When
family members ignore, minimize, or reject their stepfamily identity and
role titles, they will probably unconsciously expect their relationships
and family roles to feel, act, and
sound like those in a typical intact biofamily. That's like expecting a poodle to behave like a
giraffe because they're both four-legged mammals.
Co-parental
unawareness and
denial will fuel significant
personal, re/marital, and stepfamily stress in and between your linked homes. Without major change, this inexorably promotes
psychological and legal re/divorce over time.
Accepting your "step-hood"
without
excessive anxiety, shame, or guilt opens the door to learning stepfamily
norms.That enables
your co-parents and supporters to form realistic goals and role expectations (e.g. family
job descriptions) together. That promotes
the relationship harmony,
team-building, and
stepfamily
nurturance you all want, over time.
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/03/identity.htm
What's
The Problem?
Continue
Project 3
by
reviewing options for managing stepfamily