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Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/03/members.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
THIS IS one of a series
of articles describing stepfamily Project 3: adult members accepting their stepfamily
identity, and
resolving any major conflicts about it and who's included in their stepfamily.
This article explains what a stepfamily is and why accepting
your step identity [vs. "We're just a regular (bio)family"] is
vital
for forging a stable
high-nurturance
family, over time.
Thispage describesstepfamily membership or inclusion
conflicts, and illustrates why can they be a significantfamilystressor. The
next page continues with who does belong
to your multi-home stepfamily, and how co-parents can identify and
resolve membership conflicts effectively usingProject-2 communication
skills
and a stepfamily
genogram.
What
Does "Belonging to a Family" Mean?
Around 1965, psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed that all people behave at
any moment to fill a hierarchy of
five main needs
(discomforts). He felt the third
most urgent universal need is to "belong" to a group of other
people, and the fourth is to be recognized as a unique, valuable
member of the group.
In this Web site, full family membership (inclusion) means
"all other members consistently acknowledge and respect this
person's dignity, worth, needs, and opinions as being equally
important as their own - even in major conflicts and crises."
This does not necessarily mean that genuine
bonding
exists. Does this definition describe all your legal and
biological relatives now? Would each such person agree?
Reality check: have you ever longed to
belong (be included in) a group of people? Have you ever felt you didn't
belong "anywhere"? This feeling seems common among kids in and from
low-nurturance
families. Our needs for social inclusion and recognition are so primal that
most of us are only hazily aware of them, yet they significantly shape our
health, actions, and relationships.
If you belong to a group of
other people now, reflect on what that means to you and them. See how
many of these apply:
I like sharing common
interests with other people in the group;
Some factors distinguish us from other groups, which adds clarity to my
personal identity;
I choose to communicate and/or
spend time with other members, and they seem comfortable with that;
If I comment on how our group
behaves and/or who belongs, other members usually listen to me. I feel I
matter to other group members.
My presence, absence, and
behavior is usually noticed by one or more group members.
I'm usually invited to join in
group activities, and I may initiate activities;
I feel (a) more socially
"normal" and (b) less lonely and isolated because I belong to this (and
perhaps other) groups;
I feel more secure, because I
feel I can safely ask for help with life-problems from some
group members if I need to;
I like feeling that I'm
acceptable or special to the other group members;
I enjoy feeling a sense of
group
pride in who we are and what we do.
Belonging to this group helps
combat boredom, fills my time in pleasant and useful ways, and adds to my
knowledge and life experience in ways I usually enjoy.
Belonging to this group
promotes developing significant friendships.
I choose to be in this group,
vs. having other people manipulate or force me to belong.
(Add your own meaning)
Each factor like these can contribute pleasure or discomfort to each member of a
group, depending on their needs, personalities, and circumstances.
Our first group-membership experience is with our multi-generational
childhood family. Our second major experience comes from attending school
and/or a religious community.
Depending on many factors, these experiences ranged from "very enjoyable"
(my
needs were usually met in ways I liked) to "very
painful" (my needs were
seldom or never met).
Our early-childhood experiences strongly affect (a)
our
personality composition and dynamics, and (b) our later attitudes and
choices about belonging to other groups - often
in ways we're not aware of.
Inner-family
Membership
This
non-profit Web
site proposes that every normal adult and
child has aninner family or teamof subselves that comprise
the person's
personality. Each subself can feel "I belong," "I don't belong,"
or "I don't care if I belong" to the group. They can also reject each other
from group membership. Family
Project 1
focuses on raising subselves' awareness of
each other
and promoting
healthy (vs. elitist)
pride, loyalty, and harmonyamong all related
subselves under the wise guidance of the resident
true Self.
To my knowledge, Dr. Maslow never explored is the ceaseless
interaction among a person's subselves. Each has its own needs and
comfort-levels about the host person belonging to any group of physical people - like a
stepfamily.
Inter-subself conflicts
can cause significant outer membership and group-identity
"ambivalence" - "Parts of me want to belong, and other parts don't."
Implication: each adult and
minor or grown child in your stepfamily has a degree of need (low > high) to belong - in general, to their biological family, and (perhaps) to
your stepfamily. They each have their own
definitions of who comprises your stepfamily, and may disagree about that. Each adult and child may have inner-family harmony
(all parts like belonging) or conflict and chaos about who belongs to
their family and clan.
Typical stepfamily adults need to...
discuss family membership (inclusion and exclusion), and to...
admit and resolve any
membership conflicts.
A common conflict is whether a stepchild's
"other bioparent" (e.g. an ex mate) and their relatives (e.g. grandparents,
aunts, uncles and cousins) belong. Project 3 offers perspective on these important stepfamily-building questions, and
practical
options on how co-parents can best answer them for their and their kids'
long-term welfare.
A vital part of Project 3 is co-parents acknowledging and resolving
significant membership and
identity conflicts in
and between their related homes. Let's
explore the first of these...
What
Are Stepfamily Membership or Inclusion Conflicts?
Premise: Most (all?)
kids and adults instinctively
need
to feel genuinely accepted (included) and valued in a primary group -
ideally by people they know, trust, and respect. When this need is unmet,
people feel abandoned, isolated, alone, lonely, "disconnected," and (often) anxious.
An exceptions to this are adults
and kids traumatized
(neglected) in childhood resulting in
Reactive Attachment Disorder
(RAD) - an inability to
bond
with (attach to, need, care about) other people. Do you know any "lone wolf"
who's behavior (vs. words) suggests they don't need to belong to a
group of people? Note that typical clinicians and researchers associate RAD
with children, not adults - yet the adult version of the condition seems
widespread and tragically toxic.
People in average biofamilies seldom
argue about who belongsto their clan, with the possible exception of
"black sheep" and current or
former in-laws. Other exceptions
occur when one or more members "cut
another member off" - i.e. stop all contact or reference to the person.
Adults and kids in average stepfamilies often
disagree on, and/or are confused about, who they feel is a legitimate member of "my family." This is
specially true soon after a divorced or widowed bioparent commits to a new
partner.
For perspective, typical three-generational stepfamilies have
50 to 100+ members
related by genes, history, marriage, emotions, and legal contracts (e.g. wills,
divorce decrees,
parenting agreements). One of the ~30 structural
differences between average biofamilies and stepfamilies is that many or most
members differ on who they define as "my
family." Normal stepfamily kids and adults can be
conflicted
within themselves ("I ought to include my stepmother and her brother, but I don't want to"), and between each other.
There are
four questions for them
(i.e. you) to answer:
"Who, specifically, do you
feel you're 'related to' now, genetically, legally, and
psychologically?"
"Among this group of relatives, who do you feel
bonded (emotionally connected) with? Whose needs, feelings,
and well-being are you genuinely concerned with?," and...
"Who do you feel you should
care about, among these people?" And...
"Do each of these
people accept you as a full member of their family now?"
In my experience, it's rare for the
adults and kids living in related co-parenting homes to agree on answers to these
questions - specially genetic, ex, and step- relatives. Typical new minor or grown stepkids have
no strong urge to include their stepparent’s kin or kids in "my family," and
vice versa. Half-siblings can feel speciallyconfused and torn about whether to
include some or all of these other kids and their relatives in defining "my
family." There are no clear social rules to follow as there are in
typical intact biofamilies..
Conflicts among adults and
kids over stepfamily
inclusion and exclusion are common.
They usually cause relationship and role anxiety, confusion, frustration,
hurt, resentment,
abandonment, and anger. If ignored, these feelings impede the psychological bonding of the
three or more merging
biofamilies, and
stress everyone involved (or
not involved...).
Besides the large number of people
in new stepfamilies, there are significant odds that their newly-related biofamilies...
have significant unresolved
hostilities, resentments, and
incomplete grief around prior marital separation and divorce, and child-related
custody, visitation, parenting, names, and financial issues.
These and other
factors combine to generate frequent disagreements on "Who's included in
our household and extended stepfamily?" A quick way to identify a membership
conflict is to ask two or more stepfamily adults or kids: "If you were giving a party
for your whole family, who would you invite?"
Their
answers will usually differ a little or a lot. This is normal!
These
(and related)
conflicts bloom for yearsaround
child
visitations, holidays, vacations,
and special family events like baptisms, bar and bas mitzvahs, graduations,
birthdays, and anniversaries.
The stress these conflicts cause is often compounded by co-parents and stepkids being
unclear on what their stepparents' child-raising
responsibilities
(roles)
are.
12 year old Jill's father Jason has just
remarried Nora, after a seven-month courtship. Jill's parents separated about four years
ago, and their divorce finalized 18 months ago. The divorce was "messy"
(contested and conflictual). Both Jill's parents are still hurt, angry, and distrustful
from incidents before and during the divorce. Jill's biomom Sharon is secretly hurt and
resentful her ex has "found another woman" so soon, though she claims she
"doesn't really care."
Following a bitter legal custody
battle, Jill lives
with her biomom, and visits her dad and stepmom one night a week, and every other weekend.
Communication between Sharon and Jason is strained and curt. Though they're complying with a
legal parenting agreement, neither is really happy about the terms.
Sharon gives off
covert signals to Jill that she (Jill) shouldn't like or accept her stepmother Nora
"too much." As with most divorced kids, Jill feels a strong loyalty to, and
a need to please, her custodial bioparent.
Neither mom nor dad has adequately explained their
family dis-integration to Jill, and she is confused and secretly
angry, guilty, and ashamed about it.
Her mother implies, but doesn't say outright, that her father is largely
to blame. Jill is secretly torn between siding with her mother, and feeling
protective and worried about her dad. On top of this, Jill has overheard her Dad and Nora
talking about having a baby, and has mixed feelings about that.
Jill alternated
between warm and accepting, and coolly distancing with her father's
"girlfriend" before their re/wedding.The bright 12 year old has steadily rejected the "new" woman's attempts to
"make friends" since the ceremony and honeymoon.
Nora's tolerance for her stepdaughter's unwarranted and
hurtful rejection is starting to thin. This reaches a painful crescendo during their first
attempt at a "family summer vacation." During the 10-day trip to a
beach resort, Jill is frequently silent, moody, "crabby," and unenthused,
despite her Dad's and Nora's best efforts to entertain and cater to her.
Jason over-tries, and Nora grows resentful, feeling her husband's energy is mainly focused on his daughter, not her (a
loyalty
conflict). She feels badly about her own resentment (inner voice: "I'm just being
childish...")
but says nothing to Jason. Nora begins to wonder if her stepdaughter's biomom is coaching
Jill to reject her. She again feels guilty and ashamed of wondering about that. She's
incensed that Sharon peppered Jill's luggage with "I love and miss you" notes,
and small presents.
Tension grows among all three, and
they're relieved to return home from "the vacation from hell." At this point,
Nora
sees biomom Sharon as "part of Jill's (vs. our) family." The girl
feels
impelled by duty and anxiety to exclude Nora and her relatives from "my (psychological)
family." She sees Nora as "my Dad's new wife," not "my
stepmother."
Sharon is
torn
between accepting Nora as now being part of
Jill's legalfamily, but not really belonging to their pre-divorce marital
biofamily. Jason is torn between wanting "space" from the history of painful
conflicts with his ex Sharon (implication: "No,
my ex is not part of my
new
family"), and having to acknowledge the reality of Sharon's genetic, historic,
emotional, financial, legal, ongoing ties with Jill, himself, and now with Nora.
Everyone feels confused,
anxious, and
guilty about all this, and probably feels guilty about feeling these (normal) things. No
one talks about any of this,partly because all three co-parents are
unaware of being psychologically
wounded
and in protective denials.
As time goes
on, Nora and Jason both begin to wonder "What have I gotten myself into here?" If
Jason and Nora don't...
discuss all these feelings, expectations, and attitudes,
and...
these several
stepfamily inclusion conflicts can escalate over time.
The inner and mutual conflicts will probably
increase as Thanksgivings, year-end holidays, Easters, birthdays, and family outings accumulate. Nora,
Jill, Jason and Sharon all have to make continuing decisions about "Who do we invite, and how do we all feel about doing so?" Relatives get mixed signals, and have
their own mosaic of opinions on "Who belongs to our (multi-generational) stepfamily?"
Added to other
concurrent
financial, household, and co-parenting conflicts, these loyalty and
membership issues increasingly stress Nora and
Jason's re/marriage, and hinder Sharon and Jason's chances to
evolve stable co-parenting teamwork. These conflicts will probably escalate if Jason and Nora
have a child, and/or Sharon re/marries - specially if her new
mate has existing children.
Does this example seem credible to you?
If you were one of these co-parents, what would you do about this situation?
Stepfamily membership conflicts may not be re/maritally
fatal themselves, but they can promote other complex home and stepfamily
stressors along the way.
Before continuing, try this Status Check: circle T(rue), F(alse), or "?"
("I'm not sure now")
I can explain what (a)
"family identity" is, and
(b) why all co-parents and key relatives
fully
accepting their stepfamily identity is
important(T F ?)
I can clearly explain the concept of a
stepfamily membership conflict to another person now. (T F ?)
Option - try this!
I can clearly describe the concepts of
loyalty conflicts and
relationship
triangles to another person now, and
how stepfamily
identity and membership conflicts cause them. (T F ?)
I'm very clear now on who belongs to our extended
(multi-generational) stepfamily. (T
F ?)
All our kids'
bioparents and stepparents are clear and agreed on
who comprises our extended stepfamily now; or we all
know how to reduce our membership disagreements, and are working to do so.(T F ?)
Each minor and grown
child in our family is clear (a) that we all are a
stepfamily,and(b)on who comprises their stepfamily now. (T
F ?)
+ + +
Next:
perspective on who does belong to your stepfamily, and options
for resolving stepfamily membership
conflicts effectively.
The
Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/03/members.htm
What
Does "Belonging to a Family" 