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of
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accept your stepfamily identity, and agree who belongs |
Who Belongs to Our Stepfamily?
- p. 2 of
2
How to Resolve
Membership
Conflicts
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Experts Council |
 |
 The
Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/03/members.htm
Continued...
The
prior page
reviewed what family membership conflicts are, and why they can be major
re/marital and family stressors. This page examines...
 Who
Does Belong
to Our Stepfamily?
To
broaden your perspective in answering this question,
review (a)
this opinion, and
(b the following premises.
Fully accepting the premises may promote some
among your family adults and kids,
which can grow your awareness and empathy. To
clarify your beliefs, rank each premise T(rue),
F(alse), or ? ("I'm torn or not sure).
1) Most (all?) kids and adults instinctively
to feel genuinely
accepted (included) and valued in a primary group -
ideally by people they know, trust, and respect. When this need is unmet,
people feel abandoned, isolated, alone, lonely, and (often) anxious.
The exceptions to this are adults
and kids traumatized
in childhood, who developed
Reactive Attachment Disorder -
an inability to
with, need,
and genuinely care about some or all other people. (T
F ?)
2)
A stepfamily is any group which includes one or more
minor or grown stepkids, and one or more adults
accepting the
of
part-time or full-time stepparent. Stepparents ma\y or
may not have biokids of their own. Committed stepfamily partners
may be in a psychological stepfamily (dating and perhaps
cohabiting) or a
legal one after exchanging commitment vows. (T F ?)
3) About 90%
of U.S. stepfamilies follow the
(vs. death) of one or
both committed partners. Genetically, legally, financially, and psychologically, dead
bioparents can significantly affect the relationships among kids and
re/married partners and their relatives. So
most stepfamilies include one or two
co-parenting ex-mates
(each
stepchild's other bioparent). (T F ?)
Fully (vs. superficially) including these
adults in your
stepfamily - even if they're inactive - means that...
4) Typical stepfamilies
have
stepparents and bioparents, living in two or more
related dwellings. Minor kids
usually visit their other
bioparent's household periodically or regularly. This usually tapers off in
mid and late adolescence. (T F ?); And...
Premise 5) Minor
and grown kids usually include
both bioparents and any genetic siblings and accessible genetic relatives as members
of their post-divorce or post-death families. One or both bioparents'
committing to and/or cohabiting with a new partner rarely
alters this. (T F ?) Is this true in your situation?
6) Despite
major
pre-divorce and post-separation
co-parenting-relationship
many divorced bioparents still care
about the
welfare of their child-conception partner for
years - specially if they
really
and had a long relationship.
(T F ?)
This can manifest as a "love-hate"
attitude about ex-mates, specially if one or both are
unrecovering
of
childhoods. After
their adult child divorces, grandparents can feel ambivalent or "torn" about their grandkids' "other parent"
too. Ambivalence is a common sign of
between active
(T F ?)
7)
If a bioparent or their minor
or adult
child hasn't adequately
their many family-reorganization
from parental
separation, divorce or death, and then cohabiting;
they'll often find it hard
to
fully accept (vs. bond with)
their ex-mate's new partner, prior kids,
and inlaws as
full members of their
legal or psychological stepfamily. (T F ?)
Incomplete grief is
one of five widespread
which
is why
is so important.
Conversely, insecure
new stepparents
will often
reject their mate's ex spouse as a legitimate member of their
new stepfamily. This can expand to co-parents in any of the two or
more linked homes
trying to reject their ex/es from legally belonging to their new stepfamily.
Do
you need a stretch break before continuing? When
you're ready, compare your beliefs to these additional
premises about who belongs to your stepfamily...
|
Premise 8) Bottom line - as long as there one
of their kids or grandkids is alive,
co-parents in
their several homes linked by finances, visitations, genes, laws, dreams, needs,
feelings, rituals, and history are co-equal members of their common nuclear
stepfamily.
Whether actively
involved or not, each co-parent's ancestry, needs, opinions, values,
wounds, stability, health, and behaviors affect
other family adults and kids. Even well-mourned dead parents and
grandparents have
significant emotional and genetic affects on their survivors and step-relatives for many
years, and so are full psychological
stepfamily members. Notice your
now...
|
9)
Some
genetic or legal relatives can reject membership in a new
stepfamily, even if invited - e.g. a grandparent or bioparent may
feel or say "I'm not
part of their (re/married) family, no matter what you or they say!"
(T F ?)
10) It's much easier for kids to accept their new step-kin,
family
and membership, if all
their co-parents and key
relatives clearly do too, without major reservation, ambivalence, blame,
resentments, or shame. (T F ?)
11) As long as one or more
adults or kids ignores or rejects their stepfamily
("No, we're just 'a regular
(biological) family'"), stressful membership
will occur.
This rejection usually results from
unhealed false-self wounds + unawareness +
+
The first two can be reduced, once identified
and admitted. The more time that has elapsed between biofamily separation and
bioparent re/wedding and/or cohabiting...
-
the more likely that significant
forgivenesses
and mourning progress
have happened, and...
-
the lower the odds of major
membership conflicts.
This is usually
not
true if some or many family members unrecovering
(GWCs).
12)
"Family membership" is part of your kids' and adults'
It also affects who they seek
support
from in a
Rejection from stepfamily membership
hurts! It says "Your needs, feelings, and opinions aren't important to us - you're
For GWCs with
this membership
rejection amplifies their feeling worthless, flawed, and unlovable.
Bonds that unite
members of a stepfamily in challenging and good times are directly proportional to the
sense of belonging that has grown among all
multi-generational members.
13) Average adults and kids are ruled by a
of interactive subselves, which can cause a behavioral
- i.e. pretended inclusion. Wounded people
with reactive
and/or
Inner Kids - and a devoted
(we must be nice!),
("If we're rude, bad things will happen!"),
and/or
- are likely to
demonstrate erratic or insincere acceptance of some
stepfamily members, and (their protective
subself will) deny it.
14)
All related
are
primarily responsible to (a) genuinely accept their
and
(b) see that inclusion/exclusion conflicts within their
extended stepfamily are...
-
acknowledged, vs. denied,
-
confronted, vs. postponed, and...
-
resolved well enough, vs. argued endlessly.
Minor and grown stepkids depend on their co-parents to accept
and work at this
responsibility. Failure to do so inhibits healthy stepfamily bonding and
biofamily-merger progress, lowers the
stepfamily's
and
weakens co-parents' re/marriages.
+ + +
Reflect: on a scale of 1 (strongly disagree)
to 5 (strongly agree), how do
you feel about these premises now? Combined, they suggest a way to decide
"Who
belongs
to (significantly affects
the
and
nurturance-level in) our
-
An emotionally-committed
(bonded) bioparent-stepparent couple, and...
-
All their dead and living; minor and grown; adopted, foster, and
biokids; and...
-
Both bioparents and any other key caregivers of each living child
and grandchild;
and...
-
Any new partner of "the other bioparent/s," and
their kids
and active relatives; and...
-
Each relative that is
psychologically, genetically, legally, or financially important to any
of these three or more co-parenting adults and their minor and grown kids.
Do you agree? If
so, what
does that mean in your family situation now? If you don't agree, what would
it mean - specifically - to you and/or other stepfamily members if the
premises above do apply to you all?
If any of your
family members significantly
disagree on who belongs, what can you do?
Options for Resolving Membership Conflicts
Learn the definition of a
stepfamily.
If you're really co-committed as a
couple, accept that you're in one now psychologically as long as
your commitment and web of bonds exists. One of several signs that
members have done this step is that they spontaneously refer to themselves as "our
stepfamily."
Learn what's real
in typical stepfamilies
and what that probably
for you adults and kids.
Accept
that one meaning is that mates in your stepfamily
are at high risk of eventual
for
and
need to co-commit to some version of these 12 safeguard
- ideally starting
before exchanging commitment vows. Partners who are
significantly ruled by false selves
will ignore this, despite convincing personal and social evidence.
Work
at the first seven projects together patiently and thoroughly, ideally
starting in courtship. This includes doing thorough
for false-self wounds and
and building effective
skills together. It also
includes (a) mapping your multi-generational
stepfamily, (b) discussing the maps with all concerned, and (c) identifying all
and mutual
and membership conflicts without blame.
Co-parents model talking openly about membership
(inclusion/exclusion)
conflicts ("Pat, you and I disagree on who comprises our
stepfamily, don't we?"), and encourage your kids and kin to do so. These are normal divorced-family and stepfamily stressors:
no one is bad or wrong when they happen!
Talking together honestly (including feelings and
) is the first step in resolving these stressors.
bioparents...
-
accept co-responsibility for
and
unhealed
with (co-parenting) ex mates and key
kin, and...
-
work at that to protect you all from
probable re/divorce.
Ideally, begin well
re/wedding/s. If you don't, membership and related
and relationship
will
recur
and inexorably reduce your stepfamily's
A key question to
honestly is "What
would it mean to me if I fully accepted __________ as a full member of our
stepfamily?" Often the core reasons are prospective losses of
prized hopes ("We'll never be the 'regular family' I long for"),
illusion ("Stepfamilies aren't that different,") or protective
false-self
("Maybe I re/married into the wrong group of people!").
Co-parents adopt attitudes of long-range patience and
realistic optimism. Typical multi-home
stepfamilies are exceptionally complex. They often take well over four years to
and stabilize after re/marriage (vs. cohabiting).
Really resolving divisive
step-identity and membership conflicts takes time!
Read, discuss, and apply
these options for dealing with step-rejections by a
mate or a
relative (including an ex mate). If
you've done your homework (above), these options should help reduce your
stressors, over time. They presume your
(capital "S") is leading your other subselves!
If you still have trouble, consider temporarily using
stepfamily-aware
professional help in resolving identity, membership (inclusion), and any related loyalty
conflicts and triangles until you get the hang of it.
Finally, co-parents help each other stay
enough
- i.e. don't over-focus on these
conflicts unless you feel you're in a
Pause
now, and notice what you're thinking and feeling - without judgment. Notice if some
"voice" within you is coaching you to get going on, ignore, scorn, or avoid
options like those above. Recall why you started reading this article,
and say out loud what you need. Option:
honestly to test whether that's a
symptom of your need, or the real
thing.
 Next: continue
Project 3 by learning how to use
genograms
(family maps) to help identify and resolve stepfamily membership (inclusion/exclusion)
conflicts.
+ + +
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Updated
August 19, 2008
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