The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/03/problems.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
wounds,
building
high-nurtur-ance
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle,
and
preventing
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
+ + +
This article summarizes three levels of common stressors in
typical
divorcing families and step-families. Most family adults
and human-service professionals focus only on the surface
"problems" (un-met needs)," so the underlying primary problems go
unresolved and surface symptoms recur. Once aware of these
levels, co-parents can work together to resolve their primary
problems and raise their family's stability, bonding, and
nurturance level.
All adults and kids want stable, safe, satisfying relationships and
families. The size and scope of the U.S. coaching, counseling, and therapy professions
suggest how elusive these prizes are in our cul-ture. Based on 28 years'
research and clinical experience, this outline proposes (a) why this
is, and (b) what we can all do about it. See if
you agree with the premises below. Links will take you to more detail.
First, see how you feel about these fundamental...
Premises...
all families and relationships exist to nurture (fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. [ I Agree
Disagree ? (It depends on...) ]
all personal and social "problems" are unfilled
psychological + spiritual + physical needs - i.e. physical +
emotional + spiritual discomforts;
most people aren't trained or motivated to
distinguish between
stressful surface "problems" and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know;
typical
divorcing families and stepfamilies have
three layers of concurrent problems:
resultant psychological wounding
- continuing and spreading the cycle..
Implications
If you or people you care about have significant personal, relationship,
and/or family "problems" (level 1 above) you and/or they are probably
unaware of what's really causing them. If so, your efforts to
solve the problems permanently and/or to hire unaware others to help you solve them
(like counselors) probably won't fill your primary needs. Notice
your thoughts now...
If you family mates and adults don't commit to learning (a) the level-2 topics above and (b) how
to
"dig down" from surface problems to
discern your primary needs (levels 2 and 3 above), then the
nurtur-ance level of your family and relationships will be lower than it could be, and
your wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to discern and resolve
their primary problems. This will inexorably spread the toxic
[wounds + unawareness] cycle, and weaken our society.
If you're used to being controlled by a well-meaning,
short-sighted
false self,
you risk (a) achieving far less than your true potential as a unique,
worthy, talented person, and (b) dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people
- specially co-parents - to what you read here - who will?
Options
Experiment with this powerful
dig-down
technique to uncover your primary needs, and then use win-win
problem-solving to fill them effectively.
Interview your wise
Future Self, and see what s/he
advises you about your current life problems, opportunities, and
decisions.
On behalf of any dependent and unborn
kids, choose an open mind, a long-range view, and take these ix
quizzes. Then
invite your mate and other family adults and supporters to do the
same. Then talk together about what you need to learn together.
Honestly
assess yourself
for false-self wounds, and commit to patient personal
recovery from any you find
(Project 1).
Invite any partner and/or
ex mate/s to do the same, for all
your sakes. You are not responsible for their decisions. If you
ignore, postpone, or minimize this assessment, you're probably
wounded and used to being dominated
by a reactive false self.
As you reduce any wounds,
work to learn effective
communication skills
(Project 2)
and healthy grieving basics
(Project 5).
Before committing to form or join
a stepfamily, review...
If you have specific questions about
your situation, review these Q&A items
and the site directory and
glossary, and/or
search the site.
Pause, b-r-e-a-t-h-e, and reflect. What are your subselves
saying
now? Did you get what you needed from reading this? If so, what do you
need to do now? If not - what
do
you need? Who's
answering
- your wise
true Self or
"someone else"?
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/03/problems.htm
Premises...
Level 2) Underlying INTERMEDIATE Problems