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of
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accept your stepfamily identity, and agree on who belongs |
How Average Stepfamilies
are Like
Intact
Biofamilies
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Experts Council
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 |
 The Web
address of this article is http://sfhelp.org.03/similar.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
 What's
The Problem?
Premise:
to evolve a
stepfamily, co-parents
must accept their
shared
(or equivalent term), and learn what their identity
This
acceptance can be hindered by...
-
protective
("Naw, we're just a regular (bio) family."); and...
-
co-parents
and supporters assuming that "stepfamilies
aren't all that different than regular (bio)families, so why worry about
stepfamily
identity? A family's just a family, right?"
Well... yes and no. It depends on your
criteria.
The confusing reality is that on one level,
typical stepfamilies are just like any other kind of family.
On another level,
they differ structurally and dynamically in
over 60 ways. If
co-parents don't acknowledge and accept these many real
differences, they risk unconsciously assuming their stepfamily will feel, act, and react
like a "regular" (intact biological) family. This is like expecting a camel to
behave like a squirrel because they're both four-legged mammals.
The danger is that co-parents and their
uninformed kin and supporters will unconsciously form biofamily-based
and relationship expectations of
themselves and other stepfamily members. That promotes their feeling increasingly frustrated,
confused, disappointed, hurt, resentful, and angry. This is specially likely if one
or several of the co-parents are significantly
and unaware of being ruled by a protective
|
Since I began studying
stepfamilies in 1979, I've found 60 common misconceptions
in average people who feel "a family's just a family." Couples trying to
successfully co-manage a complex multi-home
believing a set of these myths often
psychologically or legally. |
This article acknowledges that
stepfamilies
are like biofamilies in specific ways - and that's only half
the picture! They're alike in that both types of family…
are
normal - stepfamilies have been common since
the start of the human Era, and may have been the predominant family
type because of war, disease, and unprotected intercourse until modern
medical and contraceptive advances; and they both...
are composed of adults and kids who live
together part or all of the time, and their biological and legal relatives (in-laws);
are
which
naturally develop sets of
personal and group values, group
(who does
what) and rules (when, how,
and why),
a
history,
an
and some degree of
loyalty,
and
and
both types …
are (usually) managed by adults
who do their
best to guide,
protect, teach, and prepare their dependent kids to eventually
live well-enough on their own; and...
All members of each kind of family have
daily and developmental
to fill, and a range of daily responsibilities and activities, like work or school, worship,
socializing and play, meals, shopping, chores, and so on; and...
Adults and kids in
stepfamilies and intact biofamilies...
-
(usually) form
psychological attachments
to
special living things, rituals, ideas, sounds, smells, places, dreams,
and values; and...
-
choose or are
forced to break these bonds as the world evolves; and...
-
need to help each other
their physical and abstract
well.
Either type
of family can
healthy three-level mourning;
And...
Intact biofamilies and stepfamilies
both evolve through a predictable
sequence of develop-mental stages, though typical stepfamilies have
extra stages;
and...
Both family types periodically have
, family, and social problems, conflicts, and
They both use...
-
tangible resources, like dwellings, money, phones, vehicles,
food, and appliances;
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personal resources, like love, humor, time, health, intelligence,
knowledge, patience;
creativity, courage, determination, curiosity, and...
-
interpersonal
to
try and
meet their needs. And another similarity is...
Steppeople and biopeople each have
bodies,
moods, developmental stages, names, role-titles, (brother, niece, uncle,
step-grandmother, half sibling...), and personal and shared hopes, fears,
goals, achievements, dreams and ideals, frustrations, "failures," joys, health concerns, celebrations,
depressions, etc.; and...
They both evolve within
human and geophysical
environments,
and interact with each as contributors and consumers.
| So
when a
stepfamily member says "Hey - we're just (like) a regular (bio)family!" they’re
right. Paradoxically, their stepfamily also differs in over 60
structural and dynamic ways! This means that using biofamily expectations and norms will
average stepfamily
adults, kids, and relationships. Understanding and
accepting this paradox is vital if co-parents are to form and use realistic
stepfamily
and expectations
as they patiently
their several biofamilies over many years. |
 Continue
by reviewing
30
structural differences between typical multi-home stepfamilies
and intact biofamilies. See how many you know...
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Updated
June 30, 2008
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