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address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/04/60expect1.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction
describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
This
two-page
Project-4 worksheet
is part of an 8-page series. The worksheet summarizes 60 common expectations about average
multi-home
stepfamilies. This page
provides the first 30 of them.
2) You can do this two-page worksheet online or print and do it
offline. Either way, choose one or more periods of undistracted time to
reflect on these 60 items. Choose the unbiased curiosity of a student, and
reassure yourself this learning exercise will help you forge
realistic role and relationship expectations in your unique stepfamily.
3) If you, your mate, or
other key people (who?) believe an item below, check the appropriate box.
If you're not sure, use "?" Star or hilight any specially important items.
Note your thoughts and feelings as you fill this out - they're as useful as
your answers.
4)
If you run into an unclear term, consult this
glossary for a definition,
and return.
5)To do this online, after mentally answering each item, click on the
item number to see a summary popup with the corresponding reality. Finish
the process with expectations 31 to 60. Some
stepfamily realities here span several expectations. Option:
journal or tape record as you go.
6) To do this offline, print this
two-page worksheet and these five pages of realities.
Then fill out the worksheet per the above and match your
expectations by item with the corresponding realities.
7) Key: Before you do this
exercise, decide who's
guiding your
personality
- your
true Self
(capital "S") or
other subselves. Your Self will give you the most honest,
thoughtful results here. If you get thoughts like...
"This may be true for some stepfamilies, but not ours!" , or
"Just
skim this - we don't need to do every
item,"...
that's probably your protective
false self at work. To sense what those
subselves fear or need on any item they disagree with, ask yourself "If
this were true, what would it mean to me?" Try using this
dig-down technique to
get a clear answer.
8)
Ask other stepfamily members to fill out the worksheet, and then
compare notes. Expect some
surprises!
9) When you're done, review (a) co-parent
Project 4, (b) what it
means to be in a stepfamily, and
(c) the
hazards that most
stepfamily co-parents need to confront.
This worksheet aims to help you reduce one
widespread hazard:
unawareness!
Stepfamily expectationWho
believes this?
Me
You
Other
1) A stepfamily forms only after the death
of a bioparent (vs. divorce), and the re/marriage of the surviving bioparent.
2) If their kids are all grown, bioparents
who re/marry do not form a stepfamily.
3) Re/marrying
bioparents whose children are grown and independent bypass most of the major stepfamily
problems that co-parents of minor kids have.
4) The parents and kids in a normal
stepfamily live in one home.
5) Stepfamilies are pretty much the same as
first-marriage (bio)families.
6) Most of my ideas and values about
co-managing my former household ought to work well enough in this new family.
7) My and my partner's prior
family experience, our love, and our common sense, make studying stepfamilies unnecessary.
8) If we run into any major stepfamily
problems, our relatives and friends will empathize with and support us.
10) The
psychological and spiritual health
(nurturance level) of my and my new mate's childhoods, and that of our ex-mates, has little to do with our re/marital
and stepfamily success now. The past is past!
11) Our adult/child courtship
experiences as a pre-family are a pretty reliable guide as to how we'll all get along
after our re/wedding.
12) Moving in together and/or re/wedding
creates a new family, and we'll all feel like one soon after we do these.
13) Though I and my child/ren have
lived as an absent-parent family for a while, we can include my new partner (and her
or his kids, if
any) in our home, habits, and lives easily enough (or vice versa).
14) I won't have to put my new partner
or my child/ren "first" in our new family. I can love and support them
all equally!
15) I'd be wrong to
expect or ask my mate to choose
between me and my step-child/ren too often.
Stepfamily expectationWho
believes this?
Me
You
Other
16) When I have a conflict with my
partner's kid/s or ex spouse, my partner should usually side with me, without excessive
guilt or resentment.
17) In a healthy stepfamily, stepparents, stepkids,
and stepsiblings should love each other. If they don't, somebody's "bad" or
"wrong."
18) Your
children and mine will soon work out their differences, and will all get along fine.
19) My stepchild/ren will want my affection and
support. They and my partner will appreciate my co-parenting efforts, and will naturally tell me
so.
20) Our re/marriage (or
cohabiting) automatically
gives me the responsibility and the authority to discipline my
resident or visiting stepchild/ren.
21) A responsible stepparent should share in
setting and enforcing stepchild-discipline limits and consequences right away.
22) Stepparents and bioparents should treat all their minor and grown children equally:
Favoritism is wrong!
23) All our bio and step relatives should
treat our bio and step kids equallyat special events and family occasions.
24) Stepparents and bioparents
(co-parents) should always be fair.
25) Co-managing our money and assets will not pose
our stepfamily or re/marriage any unusual problems.
26) My mate and I should have no major marital or family conflicts over
adjusting our wills and estate plans after we
re/marry.
27) Even without adopting their stepkid/s, re/marriage
gives stepparents most of the same legal co-parenting rights, obligations, and
status as the living biological parents.
28) No minor child in our stepfamily will ever
change residence to live with their other bioparent.
29) Our re/wedding
and moving in together shouldn't cause any of our stepfamily members any
significant losses.
30) Adults and kids grieve naturally enough,
so we adults don't have to pay special attention to mourning in our new
stepfamily.
The Web
address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/04/60expect1.htm 
Directions 
Stepfamily expectation Who
believes this?
Continue
with stepfamily