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http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
What's the Problem?
Millions of U.S.
stepfamily re/marriages eventually break up legally or
psychologically - probably more than first marriages.
After 29 years' research, I believe one of five
reasons
for our horrific re/divorce
epidemic
is co-parents' and professionals'
unawareness.
Typical re/marrying
partners can name the
similarities between
average stepfamilies and intact biofamilies, but few of the
60+ structural and dynamic differences. This
multi-page article focuses on what
these many differences usuallymean.
When
needy, unaware co-parents don't know, reject, or ignore what their stepfamily
identity,
they risk major misconceptions
about stepfamily relationships,
roles,
and
realities. Individual myths may be
minor, but their combined impact in courtship and over time can promote
wrong re/martital choices,
escalating conflict,
low family nurturance,
and eventual psychological or
legal re/divorce.
Once aware of these
basics and the significant risk of
re/divorce, co-parents can learn step-bio differences, and form more accurate family role and relationship
expectations
- ideally before choosing to re/wed.
Doing this together is the focus
of co-parent
Project 4.
The next several pages offer...
60 common
stepfamily myths I've heard from over 1,000 typical stepfamily
co-parents and kids (and dozens of stepfamily authors) since 1981; and...
The corresponding realities that apply
to most typical multi-home stepfamilies.
To make this more interesting, these are presented as a checklist.
Filling it out, you'll form a profile of what you (or someone) presently believes about
stepfamilies, stepparenting, stepkids, and stepfamily re/marriage. The checklist is
followed by a point-for-point commentary on whether each idea is usually
realistic or not.
This becomes an informal quiz, in case that intrigues
you.
"Passing" the quiz (eventually) promotes long-term re/marital and co-parenting
successes and satisfactions. Option: here's a more fundamental
quiz for people considering or belonging to
a stepfamily...
The Master Stepfamily Myth
In counseling hundreds of stepfamily
adults and couples,
I've witnessed a common pattern: uninformed,
busy co-parents often expect their
multi-home stepfamily to act and feel like a one-home
intact ("traditional") biofamily.
This
misconception often comes from one more co-parents wanting to avoid identifying themselves as a stepfamily because of
negative associations like failure, weird, unnatural, second best, inferior,
and wicked (stepmother).
Typical co-parents often don't
know what they don't know about stepfamilies, effective co-parenting, and
re/marriage. This also appears true of many licensed mental-health professionals,
including clergy. A typical result is they don't read and apply
books or articles like these
Break the Cycle! pages. Another is that most (unaware) stepfamily
authors unintentionally contribute to public misperceptions and potential re/divorce
trauma.
Co-parents and
supporters can avoid adopting unrealisticstepfamily expectations by:
DoingProject 3
together - i.e.
accepting their group identity clearly: "We're all equal members of a
normal
multi-home stepfamily" Then...
Accepting"What we don't know about stepfamilies can hurt us all!" Then...
"What do these differences and norms
mean to all of us?"
To
whet your curiosity, here are
a few sample myths...
"What I've learned in my birth and first-marriage families
should work well enough in our new family. Experience counts! We're not really that
different!"
"I
should (i.e. must) love my
stepchild(ren), and treat them just like my own."
"If I disagree with my stepchild or their
other bioparent, my mate will usually support me without great guilt
or anxiety."
"As a bioparent, I shouldn't have to choose
between my new mate and my child(ren)!"
"My mate's (absent minor or grown) kids will never
come to live with us permanently."
"If I'm consistently honest, sincere, and warm, my
stepchild/ren will surely come to like (or love) and respect me."
"Your and my kids could never come between us!"
See anything familiar here?
Usually, none of these
is true.There are over 50 more misconceptions!
Using This Series
I
suggest you print the 60 common
re/marital and co-parenting beliefs on the next two
pages. Then
you and your partner separately
find an undistracted time and place, identify your expectations, and then thoughtfully compare
them.
. When you both feel
ready, print and
discuss the five realities Web pages relating to the 60
myths. Ideally your other co-parents (ex-mate/s) and other involved
relatives will join you in this "myth safari." Invite older stepkids, too!
Highlight individual items that cause
either of you special concern or doubt. Use these typical realities as guides
toward making
stepfamily reality checks. Ask veteran co-parents their experiences, and compare their
comments to what these pages suggest is normal. Keep in mind there are almost 100
(structural)
types of stepfamily...
more on stepfamilies,
co-parenting, and
re/marriage. Then forge
your role-expectations, responsibilities, and
goals together, and teach them to
your kids, kin, and supporters. Expect skepticism,
unawareness,
and resistance
- because accepting what these
stepfamily realities mean may
end
cherished illusions,
dreams, and hopes.
Use your updated
beliefs to evolve re/marital and
stepfamily mission statements,
and specific co-parenting
job (role) descriptions
in
Project 6.
As your stepfamily experience unfolds, reread and discuss
these myths and realities
periodically (e.g. at anniversaries) to keep your expectations and goals grounded, vs. "relapsing" to
stressful illusions based on intact-biofamily norms.
Your
kids and descendants mutely depend on your
three or more co-parents to do this
myth-debunking task thoroughly and thoughtfully together...
The
guidebook for
Projects 1-7 is Stepfamily Courtship
- Make 3 Right Re/marriage Choices. (xlibris.com, 2001). It's for courting
and re/wedded partners and supporters, and is based on common
stepfamily realities!
Start
your myth-hunt by reviewing the first 30
of 60
common stepfamily expectations.
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
What's the Problem? 
The
guidebook for
