What if re/married couples didn't do this
project before wedding?
Most can profit by doing the
projects any time - unless their re/marriage is in serious trouble. Then
they need to first stabilize their
before investing efforts in these projects. The
projects can help explain their crisis, and suggest what to do about it...
Can just one partner do
Project 4?
Unless both mates are genuinely motivated do it, the long-term value towards avoiding eventual re/divorce
will be greatly reduced.
How can couples best do this project? By taking these ...
Project
4 Steps
1) Start by agreeing that stepfamily-foundation
building is a complex long term (i.e. five to 10 year) shared project, that can
have a very rewarding outcome!
2) Strengthen yourselves with affirmations like
"Progress,
not Perfection!" Review these other inspirations
and affirmations, and use them and others along your way.
3) Each partner read (at least) the
for redivorce, and the overview
of the 12 co-parent projects. Discuss how these apply to you, your kids, and your combined
legal and genetic relatives - including kids' "other parents" - at
length. Note and examine any anxieties or conflicts that develop in and between you.
4) Each partner
for significant false-self
and
take appropriate actions;
5) Partners do the initial steps in
(learn
effective-communication basics and
and use the skills as you...
Step
6) Work at
together.
When you both agree without ambivalence...
-
you're considering forming a multi- home
stepfamily (vs.
just "a family"), and...
-
that your kids' other
co-parents will be full
and that everyone in your
multi-
generational biofamilies are legitimate members of your (potential) stepfamily, then...
7) Each of you do the "Am I re/marrying for the right reasons?" worksheet - honestly. Discuss
the results thoroughly, and see if you each feel your core motives are among the
"right"
ones. Be aware that if either of you is a significantly-wounded
of a
childhood, it's likely you'll unconsciously
skew your results to fit your underlying needs... Listen carefully:
if
either of you have doubting inner voices -
stop
this project, and focus on
8) Each of you read how stepfamilies are
typical intact biofamilies. Then read how they also differ in ~30 structural ways, and have ~ 30 unique development tasks. Discuss your reactions to this - and what these 60
differences
to you, your kid/s, and their legal and genetic relatives, at
length. Review the
for stepfamily
trouble together to refresh
your perspective.
9) Each of you take the stepfamily-realities quiz
separately, to avoid skewing your results. When
you're both finished
and undistracted, compare and discuss
your results. Note any anxieties, confusions, or other strong feelings. What do they mean?
Step 10) Keep the (open, curious) "mind of a student" as you seek to learn stepfamily norms.
Read several books about stepfamilies, and watch for
common themes. Start with
Stepfamily Courtship, the
guidebook for
-
even if you're re/married. Ask others to alert you to articles, media programs, and local events about
co-parenting, stepkids, and re/marriage.
11) In a way that fits your unique situation and personal styles,
ask each of
your kids' other bioparents and stepparents and key bio and step relatives
to do all the steps above (except, perhaps, the right-reasons
worksheet). This will probably take months, so "keep your knees loose."
One prerequisite is that each of these persons truly acknowledge that you're in, or
considering, a multi-home stepfamily (Project 3). Expect reactions from
indifference, to refusal, to
to enthusiasm. If any of these good people
are ruled by
(wounded),
expect resistance, ridicule, criticism, or yawns.
12) If you still feel confident enough about co-building a stepfamily
together with your other one to four co-parents and kids and kin, then
help each
other build the habit of consciously identifying and discussing what you and others
expect
- from yourself and other members - in your stepfamily relationships and roles.
Take the next five to 10 years to patiently reality check and fine-tune your members'
expectations about your and others' stepfamily's
13) Begin work early together on
- building and using a co-parent support
network. Watch for chances to crosstalk with kids and adults in other stepfamilies
- specially veterans with more time than you, and specially re/divorced co-parents. While their stepfamily
will probably differ from yours, the five re/divorce
factors and the 12 projects' themes are universal. Consider trying out an Internet chat
group for "stepparents" - they may include stepparents' mates...
Keep
your perspective: other co-parents are likely to comment on their stepfamily problems, not
their satisfactions - so also ask "What do you
enjoy
and value
about your stepfamily?" Finally...
|
The biggest return for your
Project-4 efforts is (a) learning
realistic stepfamily norms and (b) converting misperceptions into valid expectations in
order to make wise choices about re/marriage commitments.
|
Keep in mind that
it takes
average multi-home stepfamily systems four or more years after
exchanging vows to
stabilize - i.e. to learn and accept your version of
typical stepfamily norms. Therefore, expect
to continue well beyond your
nuptial celebration.
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/04/project04.htm