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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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What's
Normal
In a Stepfamily?
Realities 33 to 40 (of 60)
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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8-page article is http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
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This is
the fourth of five pages summarizing typical stepfamily realities. See
the directions and background on page 1.
Before
reading this page, recall why you're doing so. What do you
[ Myths 33 - 34 ]
Parental divorce
often suggests that one or both mates are
of key topics and significant psychological wounds from childhood
trauma. If
don't
commit to
personal
their kids are at high risk of
the
same psychological wounds:
-
Living from a
which can cause...
-
Excessive
and self-defeating,
self-abusive, and self-neglectful attitudes;
-
Unhealthy
of others, and impaired
self-trust; and/or...
-
Excessive
of
(a) rejection and abandonment (aloneness), (b) emotional
(and hence
fear of intimacy and conflict), (c) failure (in
someone's eyes), (d) success, and (e) fear of the unknown
(self-distrust); and/or...
-
Major reality and identity
These five wounds can combine to cause...
Parental
separation, divorce, re/marriage, and stepfamily life don't
necessarily cause these wounds unless kids are very young, but they may amplify
kids' existing wounds. Co-parents' denial of childhood
and
tolerance for the resulting wound-symptoms promote unintentionally
similar
deprivations and wounds to their kids.
After
parental divorce, typical minor or grown stepkids have two to three dozen
adjustment needs that peers in healthy
intact biofamilies
don't
have. If kids are...
-
In a
stepfamily
environment, and...
-
have co-parents who all know the
kids'
developmental and
family-adjustment needs, and...
-
as
to provide effective help filling these needs, then...
... there is
no inherent reason that
stepchildren won't "turn out" just as well as kids in healthy
intact biofamilies.
[
Myth 35 ]
- From childhood
and social training, some co-parents - specially women - may feel
very responsible for "making a happy home." Because
and stepfamily
co-habiting inevitably cause significant hurts, frustrations, disappointments, losses, and conflicts for years,
"keeping everyone happy" is an
unrealistic, toxic expectation. Over time, it can promote significant
lower self respect, increase daily anxiety and frustration, and
a re/marriage - i.e. it can lower your
home's and family's
Co-parents who "can't help" feeling over-responsible are usually
and/or
They're dominated by
a protective
personality
who insists that
keeping all family members contented is the only way to protect a
and/or an
subself from
re-experiencing agonizing childhood rejection,
shame, and
|
Family
provides
an effective way to enable a co-parent's
to
guide and harmonize their personality and reduce excessive shame,
guilt, and fears to normal levels. |
[ Myths 36 - 37
] Typical stepparents'
caregiving goals are usually
the same as bioparents - to nurture and enjoy resident and visiting (step)kids. However,
the
and
social environments around
typical stepparents can differ from bioparenting environments in up to
40 simultaneous ways. One major
difference is that typical minor stepkids have 20 or more concurrent
family-adjustment needs
to fill that kids in intact biofamilies don't have.
These environmental
differences usually combine with concurrent stepfamily-merger
tasks to make caring
for stepkids feel very alien, frustrating, and confusing. This is
true even if a stepparent was raised in a stepfamily. For example, unlike most bioparents,
average stepmoms and stepdads often encounter:
Resolving complex challenges around
stepchild
visitations, education,
holidays,
worship, health, and socializing, with two or three other
co-parents who may be hostile, controlling, or indifferent;
Stepkids'
criticism, or opposition from other family co-parents and/or
Feeling they have the
responsibility to discipline their
spouse's kids, but little or no authority to do so;
Feeling confused on exactly
as a
co-parent;
Feeling sabotaged and discounted in their uncertain co-parenting
efforts by their mate ("You've never raised a child before - you just don't
understand...");
Enduring subtle or open social discounting at
work, school, church, and
within the extended stepfamily ("Oh, you're Emily's stepfather...");
Feeling
powerless to shape stressful or "unfair"
stepchild support, custody, or visitation "rules" imposed by their mate's
Finding little informed community understanding and
to help in
adapting to these and (many) other stressful environmental co-parenting differences.
Folktales
and widespread public and media ignorance about stepfamily realities have given
typical stepparents a bad
reputation. They're usually caring, well-meaning women and men
optimistically undertaking a complex, high-stress
that they and
their mate, kids, and relatives are very
unprepared for. The quality of relationship with their stepkids and stepkin is usually
very different (vs. "worse") than equivalent bioparent
relations.
If stepmoms
and stepdads are...
-
in real (vs. pseudo)
from false-self
-
fully
accept their stepfamily
and what it
-
stay clear on - and act on - their
personal
-
work
patiently at understanding and adapting to their alien environment; and...
-
get
informed empathy and
loving support from their mate, kin, and friends;
...they can gain great satisfaction from nurturing the minor and grown kids in their lives.
Restated: average stepparents can
learn to be "just as
(effective)
as"
bioparents!
[
Myth 38 ]
People who feel "stepfamilies
'aren't as good as' traditional biofamilies" probably mean...
-
"stepfamilies don't feel or
act the same," and/or...
-
"stepfamilies aren't as 'normal'
(common) as (intact,
biofamilies."
Both observations are currently true. Stepfamilies
feel
"different" because there are about
60 differences
between the two family types, and they
develop differently.
Though Census data doesn't confirm this, U.S. stepfamily re/marriages may
break up legally or
psychologically more often than typical U.S. biofamilies.
Historically, adults have nurtured genetically-unrelated (step)children since prehistoric
times. Because of disease, poor nutrition, unprotected intercourse, and war, stepfamilies
may have been
the most common type of global family until recent advances in global health
and national and family economic and political stability.
So typical
stepfamilies are
normal, if not the current "standard." They're estimated to
be 15-20% of U.S. families now. I know of no credible evidence to
support the popular claim that stepfamilies will outnumber American intact
biofamilies in the near future.
It is
not
true that steppeople, specially kids, can't get the same nurturing,
support, and appreciation that biofamily people can. There are more stepfamily
and
merger-adjustment tasks which may limit these.
|
If all stepfamily adults are
recovering
from any significant inner
and committed to building a
multi-home stepfamily
over the years, it "work" (nurture, comfort, protect) just as well as a
functional
intact biofamily.
|
Because
typical stepfamilies have
and
they
can offer their kids and adults a richer range of resources, experiences, and viewpoints
than average intact biofamilies! See
this for perspective on the benefits
of belonging to a healthy stepfamily.
[
Myth 39 ]
adults raising children
from infancy seems to naturally inhibit sexual attraction between them.
The instinctual incest taboo is
weaker in typical stepfamilies.
Attraction and sexual behavior between a stepparent
and an alluring stepteen or between
adolescent stepsibs isn't
probable, but is more likely than in a typical healthy
intact biofamily. Recent research suggests that American girls under 18 are four times more likely to
be sexually
by a male step-relative than a male bio-relative.
So: thoughtful
co-parental modeling, sexual guidance, and enforcement of personal modesty and privacy rules
are specially important in
homes. Note:
co-parents and supporters can get distracted or conflicted by debating what
the provocative word
incest
means -
in general, or in their stepfamily.
The
real issue is not semantic labels, but
co-parents' admitting and eliminating family-members' sexual attitudes and
behaviors that harm or
each other, and lower
their stepfamily's stability and
Typical courting and newly-cohabiting co-parenting couples should avoid overt sexuality in front of their minor kids,
specially within several years of biofamily separation. Seeing their parent and a
"strange" adult behave sexually
can evoke intense feelings of
disgust, outrage, resentment, and
in a biochild who hasn't had a chance to
and/or to adjust to
their own emerging sexuality. This is specially true if the child has protectively allied with
a bioparent who is psychologically "still married" - i.e. hasn't
mourned (admitted and accepted) their divorce
See these Q&A articles for more perspective.
[ Myth 40 ]
Stepparents may agree intellectually that
their mate "should" spend alone-time with their biokids, but unconsciously resent
this (an
conflict).
This is specially likely when:
-
The stepparent is
childless and/or dominated by a false self
-
Courtship activities usually
excluded the stepkids;
-
Their
primary relationship is
-
The stepparent
often feels unappreciated and "
in
her or his spousal and co-parental roles;
-
A stepchild
and/or their other bioparent is strongly discounting or rejecting the stepparent,
and/or...
-
The spouses choose too little quality couple-time, and/or
have
communications.
Healthy
pre-teen kids need times alone with
their bioparents, specially after major life changes (i.e. losses).
Healthy (minimally-wounded) teens need
alone-time with bioparents too, though more selectively. Bioparents have similar
relationship needs, not necessarily connected to a major event. Ideally, a new stepparent
won't view this as "being shut out," but as a natural part of the
bioparent-biochild relationship that can build stepfamily strength and serenity.
A co-parent who
believes "We're a (bio)family, so we should do everything together"
(denies their stepfamily
risks eroding stepfamily bonding over time. To avoid
resentments, it helps if co-parents talk about the situation
non-judgmentally.
This includes each bioparent periodically asking their partner "How're
you feeling about my time alone with (my kid/s), recently"?
The reciprocal option is the
stepparent telling their mate clearly and non-blamefully of any growing resentment,
so they can
together.
A
useful goal here is for couples to intentionally help each other maintain an
acceptable of
individual, couple, adult-child, and whole-family times that suits most home
and family members enough. This is most likely if adults and kids...
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Updated
October 12, 2008
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Here's What's (Usually) REAL
(continued)...
Continue with stepfamily