[
Myth 41 ]
Forcing minor
kids to call stepparents "Mom" or "Dad" or take a stepfather's
last
name risks major home and family conflict. Unless this is a free choice
and all affected members' reactions have been polled and equally considered, such demands
can cause major
confusions,
and
relationship
Hearing their child
call a stepparent "Mother" or "Daddy" can spear a guilty non-custodial
bioparent's heart. A biochild can be constantly anxious, having to remember that "In
our house, I can call my stepdad 'Pop,' but when I visit my 'real' father, I must call my
stepdad "Philip" - or never mention him."
Options: "Mommy Alice and Mommy Trudy," "Dad and
(stepfather) Jason," "Mom
and Stepmom," etc. The same applies to titles for bio-grandparents and
step-grandparents. Note that "My real (or 'natural') Mom"
implies that the stepmom is unreal or unnatural. "Biomom" and
"Stepmom," or "co-Mom" can minimize such
discounts.
Also, a well-meaning stepparent calling a stepchild
"my son" or "our daughter" without seeking honest feedback may cause
significant resentments.
If a family adult
insists family members avoid the prefix "step," it's likely s/he is
and hasn't
major losses and/or accepted their stepfamily
and what it
Unaware
or distracted counselors, clergy,
doctors, and teachers can cause unintended confusion by using inappropriate
names and stepfamily
unless
someone corrects them.
Successful stepfamilies experiment
with first and last names and
role titles over time, and
avoid imposing them. The "right" way to
title stepparents, stepkids, and step-relatives promotes (a) harmony and
bonding among
all members, and (b) everyone accepting their stepfamily identity
[
Myth 42 ]
Guilt is
the normal emotion that occurs
in healthy adults and kids when we feel we've "been bad" - i.e. we've broken an important rule
- a should (not), must
(not), ought (not), or have to.
but has
different roots and is reduced differently.
There are
lots of
reasons why each member of a typical new multi-home stepfamily may feel
significant guilts as they
all
their several biofamilies. For
instance:
-
"I should love my stepfather, but I don't"
-
"I'm closer to my own daughter Susan than to my husband's
girl (and I shouldn't be)."
-
"I like my son's first wife better than
his new one, though she's very sweet."
-
"It's too weird - I'm really turned on by my stepbrother!"
-
"I don't see my (non-custodial) son as often as I should, and
it's bittersweet when I do..."
-
"I shouldn't compare my new husband to Jack, but I
do."
-
"I really love my new wife, but I
confess I think she's not such a
great parent."
-
"It's dishonest not to say this is my second marriage, but I'm
embarrassed to."
-
"I can't stand my step-grandson. I should at least
like
him."
There are many other examples.
If
adults and kids don't...
accept their stepfamily
learn how their
stepfamily differs from a typical intact
biofamily, and...
intentionally identify and
their stepfamily
myths into realities (e.g. this article)...
...they risk unconsciously using
biofamily
rules and expectations to guide and judge their
family behavior. That guarantees significant guilts, including guilt about feeling guilty ("I
should know what I'm doing by now, but
I'm really confused...").
Other
step-people may validate and empathize with the guilts you feel. Non-stepfamily people
- including family-support professionals - may
understand intellectually but can't really empathize
because
they lack similar life experience.
So:
significant stepfamily guilts are normal.
They usually subside if co-parents help each other and their kids to (a) heal any
false-self
and (b) learn and use
stepfamily
norms and these realities as
they evolve their alien
and
relationships
(progress at
and
A vital part of personal
healing and reducing excessive
is
learning how to (a) redirect your
(b) retrain and
comfort your inner
and (c)
forgive yourself...
[
Myth 43 ] -
If a family is defined as
"people bonded by genetic, legal, and psycho-social ties," then
each stepchild's other bioparent is
always a full member of their stepfamily. Even if their
noncustodial Mom or Dad is distant and/or
inactive, typical kids will surely include
them in drawing a family
Wounded,
custodial co-parents
may want to exclude their (step)kids' other bioparent/s from
full stepfamily
They minimize or ignore the needs,
rights, dignity, and opinions of the
ex and any new partner and stepkids in making family decisions.
This puts
their kids in the middle of major
they didn't cause, and can't negotiate or control. It also sets up webs of
divisive relationship
as step-relatives
take sides (or don't). These stressors increase
to vital
co-parenting
and lower the stepfamily's
Even if invited
"in," stepkids' other bioparents may exclude themselves from the
stepfamily. Co-grandparents and other relatives have their own definitions
of stepfamily
depending on many factors.
Membership exclusions and rejections often occur because adults aren't clear
on, or renounce, their
as a
stepfamily.
Reality:
Whether divorced
or dead, stepkids' absent bioparents and their new partners and
(step)kids have major psychological + genetic + legal + usually financial
impacts on stepfamily functioning for many years - including the
life-quality and nurturance of biological and step-grandkids. There are no comparable prior-conflict
forgiveness
and
ex-mate inclusion tasks in typical intact biofamilies.
[
Myths 44 - 50 ]
The reality that well over 1,000
and stepfamily adults
have taught me since 1981 is: average co-parents should
expect
the unexpected. My clinical case notes are speckled with welcome and
traumatic incidents of stepkids and their "other bioparent" making major behavioral or situational
changes that
significantly impacted all their
members and close
relatives.
Well after
a
re/wedding
, important family events like births; graduations; job, asset, and
housing changes; disabilities; adoptions; marriages; retirements; and deaths can trigger
unexpected reactions in all stepfamily members, including kids' other
co-parents and ex
in-laws.
An ex mate remarrying or co-habiting with a new stepparent will
promote complex inter-home adjustments to
minor-child
visitations, finances, holidays, vacations,
routines, co-parental
and perhaps
child
custody.
The
odds of a
startling, stressful change in an ex mate's behavior or lifestyle can be
minimized by inviting them to be an
co-parent in your stepfamily, and working
patiently to
reduce any teamwork
with them. Easy to say,
and usually hard
to do - specially if s/he doesn't want
If ex-spouses remain
hostile or
indifferent
despite your best attempts to include them, appealing to them to try post-divorce
counseling for the kids' sake may yield long-term payoffs.
[
Myths 51 & 52 ]
Legal adoption
is usually the only
way a stepparent can gain parenting rights and responsibilities for their stepchild/ren.
Stepchild adoption is a highly emotional and complex stepfamily-wide decision. It normally
requires the informed consent of both bioparents, if living. Typically, far more
people's lives and feelings are significantly affected by it than in a biofamily adoption.
Stepchild adoption
is most common when a noncustodial bioparent has died, or been long out of contact. It's
often motivated by overt or covert wishes to be "more like a real (bio)family"
or wanting to demonstrate the stepparent's commitment.
The high majority of the hundreds of
typical American stepdads and stepmoms I've met did not adopt
their stepkids.
Unless done from
guilt, duty, pity, and/or "revenge," stepchild adoption is a clear, powerful
statement of a stepparent's marital and family commitment. Because it often
increases their stepfamily status and authority, adoption can evoke respect and
relief. It can also cause intense resentments and/or fears (e.g. of abandonment
and/or status loss)
among some kids and adults.
The
proposal or actual process of stepchild adoption may cause a series of major stepfamily-wide
unless all affected adults and kids have talked
together thoroughly about their true feelings and needs.
Last names; bequests and estate
planning; and stepfamily roles, member loyalties, and prior legal
may all change because of a stepchild's adoption.
Patience
+
+ accepting stepfamily
identity and realities + an effective strategy for resolving loyalty conflicts and relationship
honest inclusion of all stepfamily
members' feelings, and partners carefully debating "Is this best for our marriage
(not just for the kids)?", can help all co-parents make a healthy long-range
decision on if and when to adopt. Getting
professional help to facilitate this complex and impactful process can
be a high-return long-term investment.
[
Myths 53 - 55 ]
Conceiving an "ours" child is a highly complex decision that affects
all members
of a nuclear stepfamily and concerned relatives for many years.
It can strengthen
a
re/marriage if...
-
partners'
make the decision; and...
-
they began discussing their respective conception
needs and values honestly and thoroughly during courtship; and...
-
the partners
have thoroughly evaluated the possible impact on all existing children
and relations with ex mates, and...
-
they have planned carefully how to help each other
master the major changes in their schedules, finances, space, responsibilities, and priorities
that a newborn would require; and...
-
their relationship is solid and thriving,
and neither mate expects having a baby to save their marriage from major
problems.
If any of these conditions are
not clearly true, the odds rise that conceiving an "ours" baby will increase
composite
and
stresses.
If a courting partner wants children and
assumes that their partner will too, they may discover a severe
after exchanging vows and tokens - "I thought you knew that I don't want another
child!" Even if both mates want to conceive, adults and kids can be stressed by
major
when parental attention shifts to a newborn, and unexpected favoritisms erupt -
specially with a previously-childless stepparent.
Relations among
half-siblings
are unique in some ways, and can range from compatible to indifferent to antagonistic.
Paradoxically, the birth of a child causes everyone some significant
that must be
Well-planned and discussed, conceiving one or more "ours" children truly can
delight and unify stepfamily members if their many
and relationships are stable and they've forged a high
[
Myths 56 - 57 ] Typical stepfamily co-parents
find there is
little knowledgeable support available
in their communities and the media. Typical clergy, counselors, teachers,
attorneys, journalists, and law-enforcement and medical professionals lack
training in
stepfamily norms and
differences, and
about core
stepfamily
Their well-meant
services may be ineffective or even harmful to new and
troubled stepfamily members. Your community probably offers no effective
support groups or
classes for co-parents
and kids.
As a
professional family-systems therapist and researcher, I've read over 40 lay and
professional books and several hundred articles about stepfamilies since
1979. The great majority are anecdotal, superficial, and misleading. That's
why I wrote these guidebooks.
Many of my therapy clients and students have said "I've called
all over the area, and couldn't find anyone who knew about stepfamilies, resources,
or support programs!" Scores of other struggling couples have said "If only we'd known
this information when we began!" Others say "Even if someone
had told us about stepfamily
we wouldn't
have believed it when we were dating."
denials, and hope in
action.
This nonprofit Web site offers
materials
to help co-parents set up an effective
support group and/or
class. Here,
co-parent
provides a
framework to help co-parents find and use effective support for their
themselves and their stepfamily on four
levels.
[
Myths 58 - 60 ]
Recent estimates propose that almost
half of U.S. first
marriages have ended in legal
Uncounted
millions more rural and
urban families suffer
deprivation because
of psychological divorce. Though recent Census data doesn't validate
this, many authors and researchers estimate that over half of American
re/marriages
- with or without
prior children - fail within 10 years.
Whatever the percentage,
typical
love-dazed
stepfamily couples appear to be at significant risk of committing to the
wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
Few have the
insight and courage to admit this until their and their kids' pain forces
them to.
From
29 years' profession research, I
propose...
Across eras and cultures, stepfamilies have
formed to fill adults' deep needs for procreation, refuge, nurturance,
comfort, and companionship. They can nurture members as well as healthy
intact biofamilies if co-parents accept their stepfamily
and what it
and then work
patiently
at some version of
these Projects over many years. In the best case, this protects vulnerable
descendants from the unintended
of
and false-self
For more perspective, read this
true story and this
unsolicited testimony.
The Web address of this
8-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
Here's What's (Usually) REAL (concluded)...