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http://sfhelp.org/05/policy.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance family relationships
and preventing divorce.
This article is part of a series on healthy
personal and family grieving.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
This divorce-prevention Web site proposes that
incomplete
grief in kids and adults is one of four or five major
reasons
for widespread personal and family
stress and psychological and legal
divorce.
It further proposes that learning and
promoting healthy grieving among all family members is one of up to
12 key projects that
typical adults (like you) need to
work at together to evolve satisfying, stable family, work, and social
relationships. Doing this is an important way of protecting vulnerable
descen-dents from inheriting the unremarked toxic [wounds + ignorance]
cycle
and passing it on.
The ideas in this
series of
"good grief" Web pages are integrated in two chapters of the guidebook for Projects 1-7,
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com,
2001).
Much of the book applies to all couples and families.
This article
presents a sample family grieving "policy." It
illustrates a clear
written set of attitudes, beliefs, and guidelines that motivated adults can evolve and use to
guide all family members in mourning life losses (broken bonds) more
effectively.
The alternative toevolving and using such a family policy is to
take the process of grieving for granted. This risks (a) promoting the
toxic effects of incomplete grief among family members
and their descendents,
and (b) leaving minor kids without clear guidance on accepting their inevitable stream of
broken bonds
in a healthy way.
Do you know anyone who intentionally uses a Good Grief policy? Here's a sample:
Our Family's Good Grief Policy
Everyone in our
family has experienced broken emotional bonds
(losses) since early
childhood.
Losses
hurt. Grieving is Nature's way of healing our hurts, sadnesses, and
"holes" over time, so we each can regain our balances; bond with new people, ideas, and activities;
and move on.
Mourning is a normal, healthy reaction
when people of any age attach to, and later lose, precious things. Some big losses take
people years to mourn fully. This policy says clearly how we want to
help our family
members to mourn their losses. It defines good (unblocked three-level) grief, and guides us
all on how to lovingly help each other do it in a healthy way.
1) We believe that the natural process of
Good Grief involves three levels:
A natural sequence of
emotions:
(a) shock, (b) pleading
(maybe), (c)
anger or rage, (d) deep sadness, and
(e)
eventual acceptance - but not forgetting; and...
Overcoming initial denial and "magic
thinking, and patiently converting
mental confusion into
understanding and acceptance, by evolving credible answers to
some normal questionsabout our losses and their affects on the
people we care about; and gradually...
Regaining
and stabilizing our
spiritual faith, if
it was weakened by our losses.
2) We also believe
that
adults and kids can get stuck or
blocked
in this healthy grieving process if they don’t feel safe enough to grieve. The
adults in each of our family homes are in charge of (a) grieving their
own losses
well; (b) making each of our homes a safe, supportive place to mourn for all of
us, and (c) respectfully
helping each other and our younger members to grieve well, over time.
3) In our family,
we all strongly
believe it's good to…
Accept
that attachments (bonds) and losses are a normal part of every life, and that the
special people and things we lose will never come again in the same way;
Get
clear on specifically...
what we each lost,
why we lost it,
why we miss it, and...
how we really feel about losing it.
Losing special
people (relationships), dreams, things, pets, customs, health, freedoms, places,
securities, rituals, roles, identity, privacy, and opportunities all can hurt - a
lot! And we believe it's good to...
Talk openly about prized things that are gone for good - over and over
if we need to, until the hurt and anger stay down. The other half of talking is
listening with our hearts, without judgment, to
ourselves and each other. That really helps!
Use
mourning language without guilt or embarrassment. It sounds like:
"I
hurt!"
"I'm
really sad!"
"I remember..."
"I'm not ready"
"I need..."
"I need a hug..."
"I feel..."
"I miss _______
so much!"
"Not now"
"I am so
angry that..."
"I don't understand why..."
"If only..."
"If only..."
"Goodbye, __________"
"I wish..."
"I've lost..."
"What will happen to ___"
"I remember ..."
And we feel it's good
to
Cry, alone and with each other, when we
need to. This is true for each of our boys, girls, women, and men. People who feel
their anger and
pain, and cry it out are strong and healthy. It can hurt our health to
block crying; and it's good to...
Feel
and
express angerabout our losses - as long
as we don't hurt ourselves, others, Life, the Earth, or important things.
This is part of the
healthy anger policy we want
to help each other evolve and live by; and it's good to...
Forgive
any person or Being who caused us to lose someone or something dear -
when we're
ready to. Forgiving is a good way to set ourselves and others free from old
anger, resentment, guilt, and stress; and to...
Remember
the people and things we've lost in our own ways, with love and appreciation. As
we come to accept our losses, some sorrow and sadness may stay - e.g. on
anniversaries; and we believe it's good to...
Ask
for help from
God and each other when we need a hug
and/or an ear, to be held or
comforted, or some information about our losses or other people's related feelings,
opinions, or
beliefs;
Pray
for help or understanding or patience or strength or guidance - alone and together;
Invite
people in and outside our family to tell us honestly
if they feel burdened by us as we grieve, or if they can't listen to or support us at the
moment. It's OK to not help a griever, if we feel too distracted or weary!;
and it's good to...
Say
- and mean - "I did," and "I'm sorry" when any of us
causes a painful loss to another;
Act
to help ourselves and other family members move through our mourning phases. Each of us can
decide what things and memories we need to keep, which to let go of, and when to do
so. We can't decide these for someone else;
Accept
that we can't heal another person's hurt, or fill the holes
in their life that losses make. We can patiently love, support, and be with them, as they fill these
holes themselves; and we feel it's good to...
Understand
that we really can't always know what our mourner is feeling and thinking, even
if we've lost what they have. Saying "I know just how you feel" can be arrogant,
insulting, and aggravating, not comforting. Asking gently "what's this (loss) like
for you now?" - and really
listening empathically - can be more helpful.
And it's good to...
Write
in a special diary or make a scrapbook about what we lost, what we miss, how we feel,
and anything else we need to do. If anyone does this, they can keep their writing private
without guilt or shame, or show it to people they trust;
Be alone with our own thoughts and
feelings, as long as we don't overdo it. It
also really helps our grief progress when we talkto trusted others about our
losses and our feelings;
Be
unique. No one has to mourn like anybody else: we each find our
own way
of saying goodbye and accepting our broken bonds when we're ready;
Affirm
and encourage anyone who’s grieving, if we choose to - and
we don’t
have
to. Affirming can sound like:
"I feel really good that you’re able to feel __________ / talk about
______________ /
cry about ____________________ / take your time with ________________ /
face __________________, ... Good job!"
Experiment
and change how we mourn, over time - there's no perfect way!
Learnfrom our losses -
e.g. to really appreciate and enjoy the special people and things in
our lives while we have them;
Enjoy
life as best we can, and care well for ourselves while we mourn,
and after the confusion, hurt, and anger have faded;
Get special (professional)
help, if any of us gets really stuck
in moving through their grief levels and phases. The adults in each of our family homes are responsible
for deciding if and when this should happen, and for doing it.
What We Believe
about Supporting Mourners
When any of
our family members has an important loss, the others will try in their own ways and within
their limits to:
Understand and believe in our good grief process;
Ask our loser what they need from us, if we're not sure;
Be empathic, comforting, and available "enough";
Really listen from our hearts - often - without
trying to "fix" our griever;
Offer patient, warm acceptance and encouragement, without
rushing their process.
Honestly say when we've heard enough, or need to attend our
own affairs;
Be as steady, realistic, honest, and optimistic as we can;
Be at ease with strong feelings in us and our
Mourner;
Avoid yanking our Loser out of their feelings by asking too
many questions;
Hold and hug our Griever when needed, and respect their wish
to avoid these at other times;
Work towards knowing how and when to smile, laugh, and share
comfortable eye contact;
Be comfortable with shared silences;
Hold no secret bad feelings (like resentment) about giving of
our time and Selves;
When it seems OK, gently remind our mourner of the new choices
that always appear from their losses;
Make our home a safe place for our family members and
others to grieve well;
Care for and love our Selves just as we do for our
Loser.
These statements
form our family’s policy on how we want to mourn our life losses
effectively and healthily. Using this policy is important to each of us,
because incomplete grief can make our (and other) people stressed, unhappy, or even sick.
Notice how you
feel and where your thoughts go. Reflect for a moment on what the (probably unspoken) policy about grieving
was in your childhood and ancestors' homes. Compare it to this one. Reflect further on what the
mourning beliefs and practices are in your present home, and key relatives' homes. What
do you think might happen if your family adults took the time to evolve and
a healthy-grief policy like this one?
I caution you againstusing this
sample grief policy as it stands. Your policy
will best evolve through many family talks, meditations, and several
drafts. Perhaps outside counsel would add value. Allow your policy to grow and emerge as
your family develops.
As with family
mission statements, brevity, simplicity,
and clarity help in evolving personal and family
anger and grieving policies
that are really useful. If you can distill your key grieving beliefs and goals down to
one
page - and then display that page (maybe signed by all, and/or framed) in a public
part of your home - it's more likely to work for you all! This sample policy is longer because it
includes some basics yours might not need.
Recap
This article is one of a series on healthy family grieving. The series
exists because incomplete grief seems to be a major stressor in many (most?)
troubled people, relationships, and families. This probably
stems from widespread psychological
wounds
+ ancestral and cultural denial of the toxic
effects
of incomplete grief + common ignorance of healthy-grieving
basics. Option - try this
quiz to see if the last factor applies to
you...
This article provides a sample
"good-grief" policy. It follows two premises:
all families form an
unconscious policy (beliefs + values + rules + consequences)
on how to handle bonding and broken bonds "right," and...
most such policies are
ineffective or even harmful because of the factors above.
What is your family's
policy on mourning significant losses - and how healthy is it?
To learn more about healthy
multi-level grief, scan this index of
Project-5 articles and reprints, and these useful
readings.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
do
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
true Self,
or
"someone else"?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/05/policy.htm
Our Family's Good Grief Policy