1	Perspective on Healthy Mourning How to Spot and Release Blocked Grief Healthy kids and adults automatically bond with (become “attached to”) special people and other things. These bonds get broken by choice or chance, causing losses. Nature provides an effective way of healing our losses – “good (healthy) grief” - so we can make new bonds. Some personal and environmental factors can hinder or block healthy grief. When this happens, adults and kids experience significant psychological, physical, and relationship problems. Few parents or schools teach kids… the healthy-grieving basics this presentation, how to evolve “pro-grief” relationships and families, and… why and how to identify and release blocked grief. This slide presentation overviews these three vital topics and provides links to more detailed information and resources. Option: see what you know about healthy grief by taking this quiz. Could someone you care about be blocked in mourning key losses?
2	Contents / Index About attachments (bonds) About losses (broken bonds) About losses and typical stepfamilies “Good grief” basics – what you need to know The mental phases of good grief The emotional phases of good grief The spiritual phases of good grief Recap of the levels and phases
3	About Human Attachments (Bonds) – p. 1 Well-nurtured kids and adults automatically form psychological attachments to selected living and abstract things, like ideals, causes, places, rituals, smells, and sounds (e.g. music). Think for a moment about the things you deeply “care about.” Those are (some of) your current bonds. Have you ever wondered why you bond with some people and things and not others? Human bonding… begins automatically in infancy varies in scope and intensity as you age and the world changes is an unconscious reflex, not a willful decision is greatly affected by your personality subselves and who leads them can promote nurturing or toxic effects on you and other people Continued…
4	About Human Attachments (Bonds) – p. 2 And human bonding… may be caused by love + enjoyment + admiration + trust + compassion; or “bonds” may really be… unconscious dependencies - e.g. relationship addiction (codependence), and/or… fear responses - e.g. fear of abandonment and self-confrontation some (all?) genuine bonds have a wordless spiritual component majorly-traumatized survivors of low-nurturance childhoods (“Grown Wounded Children” - GWCs) may be unable to form genuine bonds to selected (or any) people. Such GWCs: must evolve ways of pretending to bond and “love” to avoid feeling abnormal and flawed. The clinical name for this tragic condition is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). This may manifest by one person insisting “I love you,” and the other person not feeling loved. This may also be because the second person is so wounded they cannot feel or receive genuine love, and/or their personality subselves associate love with pain, shame, and/or fear.
5	About Losses (Broken Bonds) Throughout their lives, people who can form genuine bonds experience losses – broken emotional / spiritual attachments. Losses can be planned, foreseen, or unexpected. Losses can be tangible (physical things) and intangible (e.g. dreams, securities, relationships, freedoms, identity, rituals, roles, ideals, etc.). Tangible and intangible loses can have equal impacts. All losses are changes, but not all changes are losses. The personal impact of losses ranges from minor to massive Many small losses can combine to feel major Different people experience losses differently – e.g. a lost pet may be minor to an adult and devastating to a child. The automatic human reflex to significant losses is grief or mourning Well-grieved losses always make room for new attachments to form
6	Losses from Divorce, Death, and Stepfamily Formation Divorce, a parent’s death, and stepfamily formation can cause healthy adults and kids major losses like these:
7	What you need to know about “Good Grief” Fundamentals Grieving (mourning) is a normal human reflex, like breathing, sleeping, and digesting. Some other animals seem to grieve, too. Compare these realities to what you were taught: Grieving helps adults and kids to accept significant losses se we can regain our wholistic balance and form selected new bonds All of us need to grieve many tangible and intangible losses, not just someone’s death!. Grief occurs on two or three inter-related levels: mental, emotional, and spiritual Each level has several normal phases, which can help track our grieving progress Grief “ends” when a person solidly accepts a significant loss on all three levels To allow grief to run its normal course, people need six things Without enough of these factors, grief can become frozen or blocked Blocked grief promotes significant psychological and physical problems Ignorance + psychological wounds from childhood neglect promote blocked grief Blocked grief causes observable symptoms in kids and adults Once identified, wounds can be reduced, and blocked grief can be freed up!
8	The Mental Phases of Grief When a significant loss occurs suddenly or is first foreseen, typical adults and kids experience this sequence of mental grieving phases, as well as concurrent emotional and spiritual mourning reactions: confusion and “mind racing” – a cyclic welter of questions like these: What happened? Why? What am I losing? Did I cause this loss? Could I have prevented it? Can I get what I’m losing back? If so, how? What does (the perceived loss) mean to me and others I care about? Clarifying question like these, meditating and discussing them, and forming trial answers to each one over time; and… Reality-testing the trial answers, and forming stable final answers; and… Gradually reducing mental focus on the questions, and letting them go; and… Fully accepting the answers to each loss-related question, and focusing on other life matters.
9	The Emotional Phases of Grief Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross studied common reactions to the death of a loved one, and noted a sequence of common emotional phases: Shock, disorientation, and/or numbness Anger < > rage Deep sorrow < > temporary despair Sad, stable acceptance; and a return to normal life energy and emotions With any major loss, Each adult and child moves through these phases at their own pace – there is no “normal time.” Many factors seem to affect the pace and progress toward stable acceptance. Some people repeat phases and/or move back and forth from phase to phase over time, until they accept their losses on all three levels. Each emotional phase promotes thoughts that shape the quality of, and progress with, the mental level of mourning. Grievers can get “stuck” (blocked) in the anger or sadness phases of this level. People with clinical or chronic “depression” may really be ruled by false selves, and blocked in grieving major losses
10	The Spiritual Phases of Grief
11	Recap - the Levels and Phases of Healthy Grief
12	About “Permissions” to Grieve
13	Six Requisites for “Good Grief” Grieving broken bonds (losses) is a normal human reflex. It “works” (leads to stable acceptance and rebalancing) if a griever has enough of these essential factors: Significant progress in healing any false-self wounds Accurate knowledge of… these good-grief basics, including the three grief levels and phases, what specific tangible and intangible things were lost, and… the main impacts of each loss on ourselves and key others; Confidence in the grieving process (“This will end…”) “Pro grief” personal and family values and policies Genuine inner and outer permissions and encouragements to move through all three grief levels in our own time and way Undistracted time to reflect, meditate, experience, and express (vent) grief-related thoughts and feelings When a mourner lacks these requisites, s/he is likely to get “stuck” moving through the grief phases. Common symptoms are “rageaholics,” addictions, obesity, approach-avoid (or no) relationships, and chronic “depression.” Most kids are not taught these requisites or how to acquire them. Therefore, blocked grief is ignored and probably widespread in our families and culture – specially in low-nurturance and divorced families. Could this be true in your family?
14	About “Grieving Policies”
15	What is a “Pro-grief” Relationship and Family? The natural healing process of grieving our losses is strongly affected by personal and social factors. Factors that promote and encourage healthy three-level grieving progress in persons and families can be called “pro-grief.” Restated: relationships and families that steadily promote each mourner acquiring the six requisites for healthy mourning are “pro-grief.” The alternative is “anti-grief” (low nurturance) environments which hinder or block… forming healthy interpersonal bonds, and/or… Progressing through the three levels of normal grief. Anti-grief relationships and families are usually caused by significant unseen psychological wounds, and ignorance of the wounds and the basics you’re studying here. Both of these can be corrected, once people are aware of (a) who usually governs their personality, and (b) the six requisites for healthy grief. Were you raised in a pro-grief family? Does your present family encourage healthy three-level mourning for all members?
16	Common Signs of Blocked Grief Tho every griever is unique, there are common behavioral clues that suggest frozen mourning like these… Seeming "forever" sad, angry, or depressed, or often feeling numb or "nothing." Minimizings or denials – “Oh, (the lost thing) wasn’t that important to me” Chronic weariness, sadness, or “depression,” despite medications Addictions to mood-altering substances, including sugar and fat; and/or compulsive activities (like gambling, sex, or overwork); and/or some rituals, causes, or relationships (codependence) Repeated avoidances of reminders of the lost thing/s, including people, places, sounds (e.g. music), words, pictures, discussions, and mementos; Some (psychosomatic) chronic pains or illness – e.g. muscle tension Some non-organic obesity. Someone has proposed that “every fat cell is an unshed tear.” Significant loss-anniversary “depressions” or “funks” Enshrining or compulsively purging some mementos of the lost person or thing Having notably strong emotional reactions to reminders of the loss/es
17	Options for Freeing Up Blocked Grief Once people identify symptoms of blocked grief in themselves or another person, they can choose to take specific actions to help free it up, like these... Educate relevant family members and supporters on the [wounds + ignorance] cycle and these good-grief basics; Assess the blocked person for false-self wounds, and commit to (or encourage) personal recovery from any you find; Identify the specific invisible and tangible things the blocked person has lost, and assess (a) how well each one has been mourned, and (b) what, if anything, is hindering grief progress; Assess the grieving policies of the person’s (a) childhood family and (b) present family. If either policy discourages healthy mourning, work to adopt pro-grief attitudes and values; Evolve or encourage a meaningful Bill of Personal Rights, and choose to live by it without guilt or shame – even if this causes key people discomfort; Identify significant people who discourage healthy three-level mourning, and decide whether to (a) respectfully confront them on this, and/or (b) reduce or end contact with them. Choose to be with people who understand and encourage healthy grieving; consider using a professional grief counselor, and/or join a grief-support group like Rainbows or Compassionate Friends. Search the Web for “grief support.”
18	Recap: Good-Grief Basics
19	Suggestions and Options – p. 1 Pause and reflect – why did you study this presentation? Did you get what you needed? What do you need to do with these good-grief basics? Suggestions: Review this presentation on the prevalent [wounds + ignorance] cycle. It can significantly hinder healthy grief. Commit to reducing the cycle’s effects in your family and protecting your descendents from them. Ignoring this will hinder or block your efforts to evolve a pro-grief policy. Invite other family adults to study and discuss the cycle and this presentation so you all share the same knowledge. The Web address of this presentation is http://sfhelp.org/05/slides05.htm . Options: invite other adults to read this overview of Project 5, and/or Read and discuss these Q&A items, and/or… take the grief quiz at http://sfhelp.org/05/grief-quiz.htm to raise their interest and awareness. Assess whether your personal, household, and family grief policies promote or hinder healthy three-level grieving. Option: use this worksheet to help. If your family adults’ policies don’t promote these six requisites for all members, upgrade the policies. Continued…
20	Suggestions and Options – p. 2 Check each family adult and child for symptoms of significant false-self wounds and blocked grief. If you find any, evolve a plan to reduce them together (in that order) over time – as adult teammates with common nurturing goals. Option: include spiritual resources in doing this. If your family adults aren’t genuine (vs. pseudo) teammates now, consider applying the ideas and options in Project 10 to reduce these common barriers. Practicing good grief is a family affair! Option: use these loss-inventory worksheets to help you identify what each family member has lost due to divorce, death, forming a stepfamily, and other events. Then use symptoms like these to assess how well each member has grieved each loss. If someone seems blocked in their grief, help each other free her or him up over time, by using options like these. Consider alerting other people you care about to the wounds + ignorance] cycle and these good-grief basics and options. Few people know about them! Whatever your situation, consider using the relevant Projects in this guidebook (Stepfamily Courtship) to strengthen yourself and those you care for, and protect your descendents from the [wounds + ignorance] cycle.