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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and
the best ways to use its resources. Each article is
part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
|
This is a checklist of common symptoms of
an "unresolved" divorce, for courting
partners
and their lay and professional supporters. Use
it to help make wise courtship decisions,
and/or to assess for something that
lowers your family's nurturance level. |
To get the most
from this checklist, study and discuss these resources
first...
* If you have trouble
viewing the slides, see
Premises
Divorce is a multi-phase
process that starts either
in a mate's
childhood, or when one or both
partners make
The process becomes evident well before one mate leaves, and lasts
for some years after any legal decree is filed.
Divorce is a
complex, multi-year
reorganization, not just the ending of a relationship
commitment and bond;
The complex divorce
process "ends" psychologically when every family adult and child
significantly affected by the process (a subjective
judgment) has...
-
clearly grieved all their
major divorce-related
(broken bonds), and...
-
has stabilized their inner
and outer lives after adapting to all major lifestyle
changes in personal
names, family
and
finances;
child-care; work; and key
relationships caused by the divorce.
Depending on many factors, these two divorce-recovery
processes can take many years after a separation and/or
legal divorce. This is specially true for divorcing parents
with one or more minor children. A
study by
psychologist Judith Wallerstein concluded that some families
can take over 10 years to adjust and stabilize. Each family member
progresses at their own pace in these two concurrent tasks,
which can be slowed but not sped up.
Family members'
language can be a recovery-status clue. If they say "John and Mary are
divorced," it implies the speaker doesn't appreciate
that the two divorce-recovery processes above are probably
not finished.
If a needy suitor commits to a partner whose family is not well along in
these two tasks, the couple risks committing
and encountering a number of serious partnership and family-relationship
This is specially likely if there are kids and/or
grandkids involved.
Implication: when one or both courting
partners have ended a prior committed relationship,
each partner needs to judge
honestly how
each divorcing family (not person) is doing in the
two recovery processes above. To do this accurately,
each partner needs to...
-
be usually
by their
or
committed to
that;
-
(a) clearly understand the
three-level
process, and know (b) the common
of incomplete grief, and (c) what to
about those. For more perspective on this, see
-
can clearly describe the two
divorce-recovery processes above in some detail, and...
-
know (a) when family members
need professional help in recovering, and (b) how to
select qualified helpers and
supports.
|
Many
couples (a) don't (want to) know they
need these four factors (and others), or (b)
they know but and ignore
or minimize them. Psychologically-
partners are at high risk of
without knowing it to meet current short-term needs.
Divorce strongly suggests mates are unaware
of - and significantly affected by - the toxic [wounds + ignorance]
. |
Symptom Checklist
Premise - an unfinished divorce process has
recognizable family-system symptoms - so assess the whole
multi-generational divorcing family for these signs, not
just the couple or any kids.
The more symptoms a family has, the more likely
they have not fully recovered from divorce.
This checklist
is illustrative, not comprehensive - each family may have
unique symptoms.
__ 1)
One or both ex
mates shows significant behavioral
signs of
(wounding),
and is not genuinely committed to personal
__ 2)
One or both ex mates are often hostile, critical,
disrespectful, distrusting of, and/or dishonest,
codependent, and/or seductive or sexually intimate with the
other.
__ 3)
Ex mates often avoid direct contact with each
other, specially if they are parents. If so, each may
justify this by blaming their ex ("S/He's just impossible to
deal with.")
__ 4)
One or
both ex mates and/or one or more children are...
-
probably or
surely
to...
-
chemicals (including sugar, fat,
and nicotine), and/or...
-
activities (e.g. gambling, working,
exercising, traveling, eating, Web-surfing, worshiping, pornography, shopping, etc.);
and/or...
-
excitement, and/or...
-
a relationship
and...
-
their family denies or
minimizes the addiction/s and their personal and family
effects, or...
-
the addicts and any
co-addicts (codependents) (a) have not hit
and/or (b) are not genuinely committed
to achieving and maintaining "sobriety."
__ 5)
The legal divorce process has not been finalized for
at least 12 months.
__ 6)
There are
significant recurring disputes between ex mates about
financial responsibilities, money; property, asset and debt ownership;
values; co-parenting
child-custody; and/or other personal or family conflicts.
__ 7)
One or both ex mates have recently or chronically
threatened to take the other "back to court" over some
issue/s.
More typical symptoms of a psychologically-unfinished
divorce...
__ 8)
One or more children
of the divorce are significantly _ angry, _
"depressed," _ have chronic physical, sleep, and/or eating
complaints; are _ "hyperactive" or _ "have trouble
concentrating;" and/or _ feel overly responsible for a
parent, sibling, or troubled relative.
__ 9)
There is significant
antagonism, hostility, distrust, disrespect, and resentments among some relatives
of the divorcing couple - specially parents and/or siblings.
__ 10)
One ex-mate
and/or one or
more children have significant fantasies about their couple
and family reuniting, and/or are compulsively trying to make that
happen despite clear evidence it's not possible.
__ 11)
There are one or
more stressful relationship
among family members that seem to
relate to the divorce's causes,
process, and/or impacts;
__ 12)
one or more family
members chronically avoid...
-
talking about divorce causes,
losses, conflicts, and/or impacts; and/or...
-
physical or emotional
reminders of the divorce (e.g. places, music, mementos,
rituals, holidays, etc.); and/or...
-
speaking honestly about their
divorce-related opinions, feelings, needs, and reactions;
__ 13)
One or more family
members feels significant
about the causes, process, and/or effects of the
divorce process.
These are usually symptoms of false-self
not just incomplete divorce recovery.
__
14) One or
both ex mates are isolating and avoiding normal contact
with family, friends, and their religious community, if any;
or one or both are compulsively busy and
avoiding solitude.
Do you feel that these are probably reliable clues that a
family-system divorce adjustment isn't finished yet? Can you
add any symptoms?
Recap
Recent U.S. Census data suggests that almost half of typical
legally-married Americans eventually choose to divorce.
Uncounted other millions of couples never married,
and/or choose to live with psychological divorce. Over half of
these couples are parents and grandparents.
The multi-phase, multi-year psychological / legal divorce
process causes significant personal and family-system losses
and changes that take time to understand, accept, and
adjust to. If one or both courting partners are
"divorced" (divorcing), they each need to assess how the
divorcing-family is recovering from their many losses
(broken bonds) and traumatic personal and family-system
changes.
From my professional research and clinical experience with divorced and
remarrying couples and families since 1979, this checklist
offers common symptoms of a psychologically unfinished divorce. That is,
one or more members of the divorcing family has not yet...
-
clearly grieved all their
major divorce-related
(broken bonds), and/or not...
-
stabilized their inner
and outer lives after adapting to all major lifestyle
changes in personal
identity, names, family roles, rules, and rituals;
hopes, goals, finances; spirituality; child-care; work; and key
relationships caused by the divorce.
These symptoms augment
other indicators of up to three unwise
courtship-commitment choices that needy, love-struck
partners need to guard themselves and any dependent kids
against. All of the symptoms in this checklist suggest one
or both partners are affected by the pervasive [wounds +
ignorance]
- and probably don't
(want to) know that, or what it
Also see these other common courtship danger signs,
and courtship-questions
co-parents need to ask (and answer)
A well-respected divorce-recovery book is
Rebuilding - When Your Relationship Ends,"
(3rd ed., 1999, with a related workbook) by Bruce Fisher and
Robert E. Alberti.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article.
Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If
not - what
you need? Is there anyone
you want to discuss these ideas with?
Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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