Project 7 of 12 for long-term marital and family success
	Courtship Safety Check for Childless Partners Are you committing to the right people,  for the right reasons, at the right time? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/07/nc/courtship-qs.htm

        Clicking links below will open a brief informational popup or a full browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit site.

         This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        This questionnaire is for couples without kids who are considering full-time commitment to each other. It complements this summary of 12 common courtship danger signals.

        Premise: Each partner in a satisfying long-term primary relationship commits to the right persons, at the right time, for the right reasons. America's recent tragic divorce epidemic suggests that over half of typical couples don't make all three choices wisely.

Premise: this tragic epidemic is caused by four or five preventable hazards that most needy, courting couples aren't aware of. These hazards are symptoms of an inherited [wounds + unawareness] cycle that seems to be inexorably spreading and weakening our society. This nonprofit Web site exists to help break the cycle and prevent divorce.

        The questionnaire hilights key issues that stress typical committed couples and may promote psychological or legal divorce. In 28 years' full-time professional searching, I have never found any other marriage-prep resource that acknowledges this toxic cycle and related hazards and proposes what to do about them. 

        "Fudging" your answers here is not in your or your descendents' best long-term interest! Don't check a main item as true unless you can check each _ part of the item. Use "?" if you're, unsure or need to qualify your answer. Unchecked factors are targets for your growth.

 Directions

         Get the best results here by first reading and discussing these...

• An introduction to high-nurturance families

• An introduction to normal personality subselves and psychological wounds. If you have troubled viewing these slides, see this, and/or read this equivalent text article

• A summary of what these wounds usually mean

• A summary of common true Self and false self behaviors.

• A proposal of requisites for a healthy relationship

• 14 common courtship danger signs

        Option - scan the full suggested reading list.

        If linked Web pages in these articles interest you, read them first also. The more you know, the more this and the related worksheets will make sense to you and your partner. Ideally, you two will be doing this worksheet after investing considerable effort in divorce-prevention Projects 1, 2, 5, and 6. Impatience with, or major anxiety about, reading and discussing these articles suggests you may be ruled by a protective false self.

        Print this page and find at least 30" of undistracted time. Choose attitudes of curiosity and "this is a win-win-win investment of my time in responsibly evaluating a complex long-term decision."

        Check to see who's directing your personality. If it's a well-meaning false self, expect your results to be misleading.

        Take time to reflect thoroughly on each item below. First focus on you, then on your partner, and then circle T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm unsure). Circle "T" only if all sub-items are true. Options: record your thoughts and feelings as you do this self evaluation. Star or highlight any items you want to learn more about or discuss.

        Add or edit any items to fit better. Be aware of whether your true Self is the editor, and why s/he wants the changes..       

        If you fudge your answers, you risk hurting yourself, your partner, and any descendents.

        Invite your partner to (a) read the articles above and (b) fill out copies of these Project-7 checklists. When you're both done, discuss your findings thoroughly together, and see what you want to do. At the least, fill out and discuss this right partner worksheet.

       The more items below you rate as "True," the higher the odds you're each (a) ready to commit, and (b) are picking the right partner. That does not mean you're committing for the right reasons, at the right time!

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A) Is My Partner the Right Person to Commit to?

        Option: answer each of these questions for your partner and yourself.

you / me

__  __ 1)  I love this person deeply for many reasons, and _ I feel consistently well-loved by her or him.
_ We're both very clear on the difference between loving someone and needing them.

__  __  2)  S/He _ can clearly describe what false-self wounds are, and _  their key symptoms. S/He has _ used the 12 Project-1 checklists to thoroughly evaluate whether s/he comes from a significantly low-nurturance childhood (home + school/s + church), or s/he plans to do so in the next several weeks. 

        If s/he has many false-self symptoms, _ s/he's now working a Self-motivated wound-reduction program that I trust is effective enough; or if s/he's not doing so, _ s/he's willing to talk with me openly and seriously about what false-self wounds mean to us. _ S/He is genuinely interested in studying and applying the ideas in Project 1 with me now.

__  __  3) S/He is genuinely and consistently _ self-nurturing (vs. neglectful), self-respecting, and self-loving for her/his own reasons, not to please me or someone else.

__  __  4)  S/He can _ clearly describe each of the seven communication skills, and _ is working steadily to become more adept at them with me and others. We _ consistently problem-solve our differences well enough now, vs. fighting, withdrawing, minimizing, or avoiding. S/He _ scores well on this communication quiz. (Ref. Project 2)

__  __  5) S/He _ listens well enough to my needs and feelings, and _ usually tries to meet both of our  current primary needs equally, vs. often putting her/his needs first (self-absorption) or last (self neglect). 

__  __  6) S/He can clearly describe _ values conflicts, _ loyalty conflicts, and _ relationship triangles,
_ why they may stress our relationship, and _ what to do about them with me and other people involved.

__  __  7)  S/He can clearly define _ the three levels healthy grieving, _ the main phases of each one, and _ what some key signs of incomplete grief are. _ I see no significant symptoms of incomplete grief in him/her - or _ I believe s/he's working effectively to resume healthy mourning progress now. My partner scores well on this good-grief-quiz. (Ref. Project 5).

__  __  8)  S/He wants to put our relationship ahead of everything but his/her personal integrity and wholistic health; and _ I solidly trust this won’t change; (ref. Project 8)

__  __  9) S/He has healthy attitudes about sensuality and physical intimacy, and _ is open to discussing these with me now. _ S/He has no currently active sexually-transmitted diseases, and is careful enough with personal hygiene and safety. We share a satisfying level of sexual desire for each other now, and _ trust each other completely about sexual faithfulness.

__  __  10)  I respect my partner's spiritual and religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices, and _ I feel s/he accepts and respects mine well enough.

__  __  11)  I trust my partner to _ disclose current key needs and feelings honestly and promptly, and to _ usually feel genuine interest in my needs and feelings.

__  __  12)  S/He is clear on her/his Personal Rights as a worthy person, and is consistently effective at asserting current primary needs with me. _ I'm steadily comfortable at asserting my needs and opinions to my partner, and usually feel well-heard, even if we disagree or clash.

__  __  13)  S/He is not addicted to a substance, activity, or person, including me (codependence); or if s/he is or was, _ s/he's solidly in a self-motivated recovery program that seems effective enough to me. (Note - addiction is usually a major symptom of false-self dominance. Addiction "recovery" (sobriety) makes reducing false-self wounds possible, but does not include it.) 

__  __  14)  S/He is someone I want to live with, and could live well enough without if I had to.

__  __  15)  S/He's had enough contact with each of my key relatives and friends to form enough _ knowledge of, _ interest in, and _ respect for them, and _ they for him/her.

__  __  16)  S/He and I _ understand each other's values and priorities about conceiving or adopting a child, and _ we have progressed well in comparing our values and priorities about child raising, including discipline styles. My partner is genuinely motivated to evolve a high-nurturance home and family with me over time.

__  __  17) S/He and I _ understand each other's values about earning, spending, saving, investing, and managing money, and _ we're clear enough on how to share financial, asset, and debt management responsibilities in our relationship.

__  __  18)  Our _ socializing needs and styles are compatible enough, and _ we each are comfortable enough with the other having shared friends and non-shared friendships with other women and men.

 __  __  19)  If either of us has major financial debts, we have the means and the will to pay them off soon enough for me;

__  __  20)  (Add your own right-person criteria)

__  __  21)

__  __  22)

        Pause and note how you feel now, and where your thought go. Who just responded to this part of the inventory - your true Self or "someone else"?

 Thoughts / Notes

 

 

        Recall - this courtship questionnaire invites you to reflect on attributes of the right person to commit to, the right time to commit, and the right reasons to do so. Do you need a break before continuing?

B) Is This The Right Time for Me to Commit?

__  23)  Each of us has lived alone as an independent adult for at least 18 months or more.  

__  24)  Each of us has had enough time to _ fully separate emotionally, financially, and socially from our parents and/or other caregivers and relatives, and to _ progress well in grieving related losses (ref Project 5);

__  25)  Each of us has taken the time to (a) thoroughly study Project 1, and (b) honestly assess ourselves and each other for significant false-self wounds.

__  26)  My partner and I have had enough time to thoroughly discuss and agree on...

_  our respective current life goals and priorities. If one or both of us is significantly wounded,
    personal wound-reduction is among our top five non-emergency priorities;

_  whether we should conceive a child together;

_  the kind of dwelling we want, and _ the location we prefer;

_  how we’ll resolve major _ values and _ loyalty conflicts and _ relationship triangles;

__  27)  We have a solid-enough _ spiritual and _ social support network in place, or _ we are actively evolving each of these.

__  28) 

__  29) 

__  30)

        Pause and note how you feel now, and where your thought go. Who just responded to this part of this courtship inventory - your true Self or "someone else"?

 Thoughts / Notes

 

C) Are We Re/marrying for The Right Reasons?

__  31)  We have _ each thoughtfully filled out the right-reasons questionnaire and _ discussed the outcome honestly with each other.

__  32)  We each have studied this summary of the typical needs people like us try to fill by committing to each other; and _ we each have decided which of those needs are key to ourselves and each other, and _ we have discussed this with each other thoroughly and honestly;

__  28)  We each _ have honestly reviewed the traits of codependence (relationship addiction), and _ each of us feels sure that the traits don't apply to either of us; or  _ if they do, we're solidly working together in a joint plan to reduce that symptom of false-self dominance, over time.

__  29) _ You and _ I each genuinely commit to forming an interdependent (vs. independent or dependent) partnership, to support and nurture our respective personal growths as special people.

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__ 30)  I believe my true Self was guiding my personality as I filled out this checklist.

__ 31) 

 

Compared to how I felt when I started this, I now feel...

 

 

Right now, I’m aware of …

 

 

and I need to...

 

 

        See the other Project-7 links and all six prior courtship Projects to explain and expand on this summary courtship-commitment questionnaire. Also see and discuss these courtship questions and answers, and consider investing in the practical guidebook for divorce-prevention Projects 1-7, Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2001). Most of the book applies fully to childless partners and their supporters.

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        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or "someone else"?
 

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Updated November 30, 2008