Caution - there’s a high chance you’ll respond to these worksheets with what you want to believe, vs. what is - so consider getting an objective opinion on how you answer.
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The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/07nc//rt-time.htm
| The more of items below you can check, the higher the odds you're choosing to commit at the right time. Caution: even if you mates are each choosing to commit at the right time, one or both of you may still be committing to the wrong people for the wrong reasons... |
Thoughtfully check each sub-item and main item that seems "true enough" now:
Project 7: "Is This The Right Time to Commit?" |
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1) Partner Readiness Factors |
Me | You |
| 1) S/He has lived alone as an adult for at least two years (more is better). Living alone promotes discovery of one's true Self and Life purpose, self-confidence, and starting real inner-wound recovery if needed. | ||
| 2) S/He has had enough time to progress well on grieving major broken bonds (losses) from childhood and adulthood. Men need to grieve too! | ||
| 3) S/He has had time to _ honestly evaluate whether s/he has significant psychological wounds or _ s/he is clearly self-motivated to do that within the next month. | ||
| 4) If s/he does identify as a Grown Wounded Child, s/he can now _ clearly name the specific inner wounds s/he needs to heal, and _ has clearly begun implementing a Self-motivated, viable, recovery plan to do so. | ||
| 5) S/He has had a stable set of true friends, acquaintances, and supporters for at least 18 months, vs. being socially isolated. | ||
| 6) S/He has had enough time to adjust and stabilize from any major physical, emotional, occupational, financial, geographic, or other life changes. | ||
| 7) S/He has had enough time to evolve a clear idea about what her/his life-purpose or mission is now, and is pursuing it; or s/he is now actively seeking to clarify that. | ||
| 8) s/he has had enough time to discern _ the personal needs that s/he wants our relationship to fill, and _ the key ingredients of a high-nurturance primary partnership. | ||
| 9)
If s/he probably or surely has
an active
addiction to a substance (including nicotine,
caffeine, sugar, fat, and/or starches), an activity (e.g. workaholism), a person
(e.g. co-dependence), or an emotional state (e.g. rage or excitement),
s/he
(a) has clearly dissolved
her/his protective
denials, and (b) is obviously working steadily at a high-priority, Self-motivated
personal addiction-management
plan. Many re/marriers are survivors of low-nurturance childhoods who were or are addicted to reduce their relentless inner pain. Do you know the progressive signs of an active addiction to any of these four strategies? |
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| 10) S/He now consistently has high self-esteem: i.e. s/he believes that her or his personal feelings, needs, opinions, dignity, and rights are just as important as those of other key people. | ||
| 11) S/He can now (a) clearly describe the seven Project-2 communica-tion skills, and is (b) working actively on developing and using them now with all our kids and co-parents; or s/he is (c) clearly committed to learning and applying these skills with all our stepfamily members and supporters. | ||
| 12) S/He understands the difference between surface problems and the underlying pri-mary needs that cause them, and uses this knowledge to resolve current personal and interpersonal problems effectively. | ||
| 13) S/He can now clearly describe (a) what a relationship triangle is, (b) why it can be significantly divisive and stressful, and (c) s/he has evolved an effective strategy for preventing - and identifying and resolving - triangles in and between our family's homes. | ||
| 14) S/He has been (a) financially stable for at least 18 months, and has (b) no major debts now; or s/he is working a clearly effective, self-motivated plan to eliminate major debts. S/He is (c) clearly able to financially support herself/himself now. | ||
| 15) S/He is clearly (a) well along in grieving significant losses of key relationships, dreams, rituals, securities, belongings, and identity; and is (b) clearly getting on with life in a wholistically-healthy way. | ||
Right Time, part 2: Courting-Couple Readiness Factors
My partner and I __ know what values conflicts are and __ how to resolve them effectively, and
__ we have had enough time to reach thoughtful, stable agreement on…_ 16) where to live together: my place, theirs, or a new home?
_ 17) (a) whether to conceive children together, and if "yes," (b) approximately when to do so.
_ 18) when family loyalty conflicts arise, each of us freely ranking our relationship second (after personal wholistic health) above any other relationships and responsibilities except in emergencies.
_ 19) (a) any pre-nuptial financial contract/s either of us wants, and (b) resolving major debts or legal matters either of us currently has or expects.
And as a couple, we've had adequate time to...
_ 20) if appropriate - identify and resolve any major values differences on...
child discipline values and practices
religious and spiritual beliefs and worship practices; and...
the frequency and priority of, and boundaries with, relations with key relatives.
_ 21) We have had enough time to reach thoughtful, stable agreement on...
retirement and estate plans (wills and trusts);
life and medical insurance coverages; and...
legal debt and asset-ownership titles - e.g. property mortgages, vehicle and real estate titles, retirement and savings accounts, notes and loans, credit-card debts...;
_ 22) And my partner and I now know clearly ...
what the three levels and phases of healthy grief are,
what the key behavioral signs of incomplete grief are,
why knowing these is essential for our family’s health and success, and...
specifically what our household’s "good-grief policy" is or will be; and...
what our home's anger policy is or will be.
What are you aware of now -n What did you just learn? Is there anyone you want to show this to and/or discuss your results? If you haven't yet, fill out the right-partner and right-reasons courtship work-sheets now.
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Updated August 25, 2008