Project 7 of 12 for long-term marital and co-parenting satisfactions
	Overview: Courtship PROJECT 7 Choose the Right People to Commit to,  for the Right Reasons, at the Right Time By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member, NSRC Expert Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/07/project07.htm

        Clicking links below will open an informational pop-up or a full window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit site.

If you and your partner are childless, go here.        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.         These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.          Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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Project 7 Goal:  To empower each courting mate to use their learnings from six prior Projects to make three wise long-term commitment choices, and co-create an enduring, high-nurturance part-nership and stepfamily.

        These seven projects are also useful for committed (e.g. married) spouses and other stepfamily adults, including co-parenting ex mates. Options:

• view the main goals and ideas in Project 7 in this slide presentation. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this;

• use the practical guidebook Stepfamily Courtship to overcome five hazards and make three wise long-term choices for you and prior kids. It integrates Projects 1-7 from this nonprofit, divorce-prevention Web site.

        These courtship projects exist because millions of courting couples appear to make unwise choices and eventually divorce legally and/or psychologically. These needy, unaware, idealistic men and women picked the wrong people to commit to (partner + ex mate + stepkids), for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

        Two decades of clinical research with over 1,000 typical stepfamily co-parents lead me to believe that over half re/divorce for five combined reasons: partners'...

• Unacknowledged psychological wounds from childhood trauma; plus their...

• Unawareness of key relationship skills and stepfamily realities, plus...

• Incomplete grief in one or more co-parents and kids. These three factors promote...

• Need-driven, uninformed courtship decisions; plus...

• Lack of stepfamily awareness and effective support in the local community and the media.

        Project 7 uses learnings from the prior six projects to help loving partners avoid the first four of these pitfalls, and make three wise long-term choices for themselves and their descendents,

Premise - courting co-parents each need to answer these questions honestly before exchanging vows...  Who's making my courtship decisions - my true Self, or other needy personality subselves (a "false self")? See Project 1. "Why should I commit at all?" "Why commit now?" "Why commit to these adults, kids, and inlaws?" Bioparents: "In non-emergency loyalty conflicts where no compromises appear, can I honestly put our adult relationship ahead of my child/(ren)'s needs most of the time without undue anxiety, guilt, and shame?" Prospective stepparents: "In non-emergency loyalty conflicts where no compromises appear, will my partner usually want to put our adult relationship ahead of their child(ren)'s needs most of the time without undue anxiety, guilt, and shame?" "What are my other options other than commitment now?"

        From co-leading ~45 re/marriage-preparation seminars with over 400 average engaged Midwestern co-parents, I've seen that typical love-dazed, needy couples...

have no concept of the hazards they face (above) and what they mean; and they...

minimize their stepfamily identity, and/or they don't know what it means; and they...

are overwhelmed, skeptical, anxious, defiant, and/or angry upon hearing their odds of re/divorce (over 50%) and the 12 Projects they need to succeed over time; and...

the couples, their ex mates, and their kids and key relatives seem to be significantly wounded, and their ruling false selves want them to deny this and what it means; and...

most partners seem to minimize or ignore the seven Projects after the seminar. Under 10 of the 400 have requested low-cost booklets with the stepfamily information in this site in the 12 years I did the seminar. This suggests that their needs, unfounded optimism and hope, and unseen wounds outweigh self protection.

        If co-parents don't work at the seven Projects before committing (which is the norm), most can still find great value in the first six Projects after committing - unless they're in a relationship crisis. This seventh Project can be useful if they consider re/divorce and need to understand their original commitment choices (above) and current options.

        Are there alternatives to these seven Projects for courting co-parents? In 29 years' professional research, I have never found any book, tape, or re/marriage preparation service or program that proposes a meaningful equivalent of these five re/divorce-causes or the 12 protective Projects. Yes there are many alternatives. If they worked, the U.S. re/divorce rate would be dropping - and I can find no credible evidence that it is.

        When should couples begin these seven pre-re/wedding projects? As soon as either partner feels their relationship could become a long-term commitment. Projects 1 (wound recovery), 2 (effective communication), and 5 (healthy grieving) can be begun at any time, whether dating seriously or not.

       The first six Projects can be seen as a multi-year "partner-apprenticeship" program. This seventh Project is a self-administered "certification exam."

        How should courting couples do Project 7? By taking some version of these...

 Project 7 Steps

        1)  The essential first step in each of these Projects is to assess honestly whether you and your partner are each usually guided by your respective true Selves or not. If you're often ruled by a false self,

• you're at high risk of basing courtship-commitment decisions on major reality distortions, and...

• your dominant subselves probably won't want to admit that.

If your or your mate's true Self is often disabled, give priority to progress at Project 1.

        2)  Find an organization who will sponsor this re/marriage-preparation course, or download and study the course modules yourselves. Or - patiently study and discuss all these slide presentations and tailor them to fit your unique situation. You'll gain awareness and motivation to work at these additional steps together... 

        3)  Spend many months doing the first six courtship Projects together with your kids and their other co-parents. Work at having your true Selves in charge, as you do. Also help each other stabilize post-divorce child visitation, financial support, and custody agreements and co-parenting responsibilities.

        4)  Read and discuss this article on keys to successful re/marriage together;

        5)  As individuals, take the pre-re/wedding danger-signal inventory. If either of you have any significant anxiety or doubt about forming a stepfamily with this partner after doing this, I urge you to  delay commitment vows and do more work on Projects1-6 - starting with inner-wound assessments ( Project 1).

        If each of you feel confident enough, then...

        6)  Print and thoughtfully fill out these worksheets for choosing the right persons, for the right reasons, at the right time - alone. Doing them together risks shading the truth and avoiding uncomfortable realities. As you fill these out, consider journaling your thoughts and feelings without any editing. The process of doing these worksheets is as instructive as their results.

        Option - to guard against fooling yourself, use an objective helper (like a stepfamily-aware counselor) to review your process and results. Don't assume that any mental-health professional knows enough about stepfamilies, no matter how educated or experienced they are! See this for ways to assess a potential helper's knowledge, and these Q&A items for perspective.

        Step 7)  When you've both thoughtfully filled out these multi-part worksheets, make (vs. find) a lot of undistracted time to discuss together what you learned. Note the specific areas of pleasure and comfort, and any topics that cause anxieties and unease. Review your options:

If you both feel clear and confidant enough, celebrate, set the date, and share the excitement of dreaming and planning your life adventure together! Research how to plan a successful stepfamily wedding, which will be far more complex than first nuptials!

If one or both of you feel significant uncertainty or anxiety, use this dig-down technique to identify why. Then seek to learn which subselves are bringing you these feelings. Would more work on any of the six projects and/or something else (e.g. paying off debts, resolving work or moving uncertainties, finishing legal proceedings, etc.) reduce your subselves' ambivalence or worries?

        If so, work at these other tasks, and keep developing your relationship and learning about stepfamilies. Pick a time in the future and review or repeat this seventh Project to see what's changed.

        The third possibility after reviewing out the danger-signs and filling out the wise-choice worksheets is...

One or both of you may conclude that despite love and longing (neediness), a stepfamily commitment for you and the kids and other co-parents involved probably won't work, long term. Some indirect symptoms of this tough reality:

• One or both of you are ruled by well-meaning false selves, and aren't genuinely interested in making wound-reduction a high life priority at this time.

• One partner trying hard to reassure and convince the other to commit - "C'mon, you'll see - everything will work out just fine. Trust me!"

• A private hope or belief that an appealing, wounded partner, child, and/or other co-parent (ex mate) will (want to) "change" and make the re/marriage more viable.

• One partner saying "I really want to marry you, but I have to find out if it's OK with my child/ren (or someone else)." Implication - they rank higher than the potential mate.

Red lights!

Options:

• Review, tailor, and discuss these common benefits to living in a stepfamily.

• Study this real example of two typical stepfamily co-parents who didn't know what you just read, and made unwise commitment decisions in mid-life.

• If you haven't yet, mull and discuss these common courtship danger signs;

• Read these perceptive observations by a new stepfather

• Review these summary questions and answers to get a sense of what it means to choose the right people to re/wed, for the right reasons, at the right time. Then...

• Study these related questions and answers to raise your awareness, caution, and motivation; and...

• Read these articles on evaluating stepfamily advice and resources, and then scan this representative list of resources;

• Review this re/marriage-prep course, and/or buy and study the Project 1-7 guidebook Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2001).

• For practical options for avoiding or resolving common re/marital issues, scan this index of Project-8 Web resources.

• For perspective on helping other people guard themselves against the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and unwise commitment and child-conception decisions, see this series of prevention articles.

        Bottom line: millions of typical American couples re/divorce legally or  psychologically. Would you board a jet with your and/or your partner's kids if you knew the odds of it crashing were over 50%? Working together patiently on Projects 1-7 can make your stepfamily flight safe and more consistently enjoyable!

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        Notice how you feel now. Pause and reflect on what you just read, and what it means in your and your kids' lives, short and long range. Regain big-picture awareness by reviewing a summary of all 12 co-parent Projects. 

  If you partners are clear on why do this seventh courtship project and how to do it, then - go for it! See this index for all the Project-7 Web articles and worksheets. If you're reading this after exchanging vows, there's still major value in this Project if you want to see if you made three wise choices.

        If either of you didn't, working at the other co-parent Projects here probably won't help you fill your personal, relationship, and co-parenting needs. See this overview for 29 alternatives to re/divorce.

        Status check: On a scale of 1 to 10, my motivation to discuss and do Projects 1-7 with my partner now is about a ___. Can you describe the purpose and main steps to this vital courtship project out loud now?  Who just answered that: your true Self or someone else?

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U.S. Marriage Statistics

       The 11/7/07 online newsletter of Life Innovations, Inc., a nonprofit marital enrichment program, published these statistics. No sources were given...

• Of the 2.3 million marriages in 2006, about half (53%) took place in a religious setting.

• The average cost of a wedding is $27,500.

• Married households are barely above 50%. Of the U.S. 111 million households, 52% are now made up of married couples with and without children.

• 25th Wedding Anniversary becoming more rare. There is less than a 50% chance that couples currently married will reach their 25th anniversary.

• The U.S. (legal) divorce rate continues about 50%. While the average divorce rate is 50%, it is 40% for first marriage, 60% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages.

• The seven year itch continues. Couples separate on the average seven years after marriage and divorce after eight.

• Over 90% of people get married once. But those marrying are waiting until they are older and they are less likely to remarry following a divorce.

• Rate of Cohabitation Escalates. Over 6 million couples now cohabit, a dramatic increase from only 500,000 cohabiting couples in 1970.

        For more perspective, see this summary.

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise true Self or "someone else"?
 

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Updated  July 02, 2008